Broke up over a month ago..

[beautifulearth83]

Hello everybody. I'm new to this forum, but I've been coming across it a lot in my searches for answers and elightenment over the past couple months. I finally decided that I would just reach out to fresh minds, because it can be hard to speak with those you're always surrounded by when they've heard the same cries over and over. My story may seem pretty long, but it is thought out and very important to me. I'd like to see who can relate. Hope you can help. Hope I can too.

 

More than a month ago I broke up with my girlfriend. I had been in a few hurtful relationships before I met her and had stayed single for 5 years, not looking to get too involved. I can't stand the idea of two people closing out the world and almost destroying eachother. It seems too easy to do with the right elements, no matter who you are. But I couldn't resist her. She had become a challenge, a goal. I wanted what I couldn't have. She probably knew that. Well we had hung out a couple times. I chased her a lot. I felt a bit strung along, and I found out that she had been seeing somebody. So by then I just felt like I was waiting in line, so I backed off a bit. I didn't want to get in between two people either. But of course, backing off a bit led her more toward me and we had gone out again and kissed. Again I was really confused with what was going on and always felt like I needed to make all the first moves. I would call her on occasions like holidays and new year's from out of town, and try and communicate with her online. It just seemed like so much work without anything coming back. It got very frustrating and I wouldn't hear from her for weeks. So again I backed off, tried to just get over it and move on with my life. Well, she invited me to her birthday party weeks later. I ditched a friend's party and decided to go and I told her that I had quit smoking cigarettes. She seemed excited about the news and we kissed. After that she was approaching me more and more and giving me more attention. It was like a high, a privelage. I didn't know that something like quitting smoking could really make that much of a difference. Although I feel it's fairly shallow to think that it's the only thing coming between two people. But for nonsmokers it is pretty disgusting.

 

So from then on we had started hanging a bit more. She started coming to my house to watch movies and cuddle and such. We listened to and played music, ate fast food. Good times. Things were going fine, but then I had lost my job. I started to get really depressed and I felt inadaquate to her. I cried and seeked support from her, but she always just seemed kind of weirded out by it. It made me feel like being sad and expressing my feelings was a problem and that she was perfect. I started to get insecure and I was unable to have sex because of how I was feeling. I felt like an emotional wreck and didn't feel like she was recieving, or being perseptive of how I was feeling. So I went on anti-depressents again for a little bit. I hadn't been on them since high school. But for the couple months that I took them this time, they helped. I found a new job and I moved into my own apartment. She would sleep over a lot. Anytime I would ask her if she wanted something to drink she would say no. She would always get nervous while I'm driving and comment on how close I am to certain cars. When anybody I drive with tells me I'm a great driver. One day we went to the market and I told her that I was gonna make some tacos. So I bought all the necessary things and we got back to my apartment. I told her that I needed to go back to the store to get the spices and so I did. I came back and said are you ready to make some tacos? She said "I'm not gonna eat any tacos." I said "why? I thought we were gonna make some". She replied "well I'm just not really a taco type of person.". That just blew my mind. Especially since I'd seen her eat tacos and burritos before. I mean this was something that I wanted to share with her. I wanted to cook with her or for her and enjoy a day in my new pad. So I didn't even make tacos. We had two salads and I tried not to get angry and smiled. A few days later she went to her friend Kathy's house. I talked to my GF on the phone and she said that she was just getting back from Kathy's and that Kathy had cooked the most wonderful mosticolli in town from a celebrity cookbook. So I was a little torn apart and I asked her "well if my tacos were from a celebrity cookbook, would you eat them?" And she said and laughed "yeah, probably."

 

Now some of you may think, big deal. But it was a big deal to me. There were so many little situations like this where I was just left feeling useless. I always wanted to open up and share myself and share things with her. But I always felt like she didn't trust my judgement. It hardly felt like we shared control over things. She had to be right and had to be in control. But don't get me wrong. She has said and done wonderful things. I believe she is a beautiful person when she allows herself to be and I've only wanted to bring it out of her more and more. And I believe that I have. Although I'm not sure she'd ever give me much credit for it. I put her on a pedestal and gave her credit for all the beauty that surrounded me. I gave her control. But not intentionally. My intents before, throughout, and after our relationship have always been to just give love, and be a good person. But I always felt so empty doing it. It didn't feel reciprocated. I didn't feel the guidance and support that you get from a lover. I felt flawed and felt that I needed to live up to her standards. And it became ever more frustrating when I started to realize that a lot of her standards and tastes and quirks were things that have always been part of me. It was like I was able to watch somebody else enjoy their life the way that I've always loved enjoying it, while I sit and feel like I'm on the sidelines. It didn't feel shared, it always felt like it was about her. I made her my world and related everything to her. I was infactuated and it showed. I feel like such a sucker because I felt that I was lifting her and lifting her, sharing my life experiences and my art and family with her, only to feel like a stilt that was to fall after her plane came for her. What about my plane? It's pretty and full of gas and it's ready to go. Can't you follow for once?

 

Anyway, these thoughts and feelings built and built upon eachother and bottled inside, ready to explode. I would get rather hostile and she would get more closed, expressing less to me. She told me that she prefers to be mysterious. That's fine and I understand, but there is a certain amount of communication that's needed for a relationship to work. Her silence and self-preservation would only lead me to suspicion and frustration. Especially being that she is somebody who goes to bars a lot and has big groups of friends, when I just like to have small gatherings and make art. I shared so much with her and told her that I believed in her. I told her I trusted her judgement and I told her she was beautiful every day. I suprised her with bacon in bed one day. I was respectful and got along with her friends well. I'd follow her to any event she wanted me to. I was nice to her family and welcomed her into mine. Although she didn't get along too well with mine. Which didn't make sense because my parents are cool as heck.

 

I would always have to hear about how she got hit on by this guy, or this guy touched her ass or put his hand on her leg, or how she felt really good after that one girl winked at her at the gay bar. I know people get hit on and you can't always control it. But to some level I always felt like she invited it with her eyes and actions. Why couldn't she just buy her own drink once in awhile instead of selling herself for one, why couldn't she just lay in the grass with me. Why did I always have to force it or second guess myself with her, while she's out on a high from the love I was channeling.

 

I would never ask her to change and I think that she is just amazing in many ways. But she has had all these negative affects on me, or perhaps the relationship just did. But, aren't there things there you're supposed to sometimes just bend to cater to the other person that you supposedly care about so much? It always seemed like she was able to be free and be herself while I would self-loath and do all the thinking.

 

So about how it ended. My grandfather had passed away, so we had a funeral. She attended it throughout. I mingled with so many people that day. It was awesome. I saw so many people that I hadn't seen in so long. I just kept talking talking talking. She didn't say too much and was at kind of a distance. She had mentioned how mad she was about how I acted like she wasn't even there. But it was my grandfather's funeral. It wasn't about her. I was talking to family and friends and she was more than welcome to stand up and walk with me and be by my side. But like always I would have to go to her and ask for it. It's so frustrating. So one of the girls that was at the funeral worked for my mom. I had seen her before but never really got to know her. She was really sweet and affectionate. She just felt like somebody that I could get along with and talk to. Even just as a female friend. Well weeks had passed and I guess that she somehow got my phone number from somebody. She sent me text messages and I sent some back. Just talking about whatever. It felt nice to feel interested in and it felt like good support during the times I was having.

 

Then a few days later it was my birthday. I didn't know what I was gonna do for my birthday and I was just with my family. My GF had decided to go to a bar that her sister was at and ended up coming to my place at 3am, drunk and stumbling. I asked her where my present was and she said she didn't want to bring it to the bar because "it wouldn't be attractive". I was a little fed up and I just went to bed and she layed beside me. I could tell that she knew I was a little irritated. So the next morning came and I went on the computer while she was in the living room. She came in and asked if she could use my cell phone because her's was dead. Well it turned out that she only borrowed it to look through my phone, which I had done with her before and found messages with exboyfriends and alike. She had found my text messages to and friend my new friend that I met at the funeral and started asking me questions. She suspected me cheating on her which I didn't do. Then she asked me if I liked this other girl, and at this point, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't answer her. Something in my heart just said, "I don't know". So she cried. I cried. She demanded I drive her home. We drove in silence. She gave me my birthday present when I dropped her off and we didn't talk for a few hours. I talked to her on the phone later that night and we just cried. I told her I don't know what to do and neither did she. I felt like it was at once coming to an end and we just sat on the phone. Like we were waiting for the other to break up. So something inside me said do it. So I told her that we can't do this anymore.

 

I felt a bit of relief that I hadn't felt for awhile. But, I still missed her. She wrote me a nice letter explaining thanks for some of the things I had done and some of the things that were bothering her. I wrote her back saying thanks and sorry and that I care about her and I always have. She wrote back saying that i'm just saying it to make myself feel less guilty. etc. I broke down a few times and called her. She called me a couple times. Last time we talked, she came over and it ended up being me crying on my kitchen floor with my hand bleeding from a fit that I had on my sink. I tried explaining to her all these things that led up to us not being together, but she just wasn't having it. She had thrown reason upon reason at me for why I'm wrong and she's right and perfect and she's hurt. I understand that a break-up hurts. I really do. And I feel for her. But what about the hurt that I went through little bits at a time throughout our relationship? Doesn't that count for anything? Why am I to blame? It's only making me beat myself up and put her even higher on the pedestal. So now I'm not sure whether I feel better or not. And this newer girl is just amazing to me and wants to be a part of my life, but I don't feel like I can rush into anything. And I'm too busy feeling guilty about dumping somebody, as I've been so used to a mutual break-up. I'm 23 right now and I've gotten to know myself and other people better and better. I've only ever wanted to make things right for me and others. Sometimes especially others. Am I really that bad of a person for following my intuitions and doing what I felt was best for two people?

 

To all of you that have read this. Thank you. It feels really good to communicate all of this and I look forward to any insights.

 

Love

[beautifulearth83]

please help

[RealBroken]

Just dont jump straight in with this new girl.

Firstly coz it will be rebound, and second it wont be fair on your ex. U may think you can keep quiet but she will find out, and its really horrible to discover something like that.

If you still have feelings for your ex, why would you want to be with the new girl right now anyway.

 

Just back off, have some time to yourself for a while. Like a few months.

 

If you do the right thing, you wont feel guilty will you.

 

Guilt is not something someone gives us, its our own judgement in our own minds of have we done right or wrong. So you already know deep inside.

We feel guilt because we create it. As the saying goes "you can only feel guilty if there is soething to feel guilty about"

Gettin reassurance from others that your not guilty is not figuring out your own emotions.

 

I think you need some time to reflect before you jump into anything

[overseas2004]

Well I read your entire post and it was really long but I made it. I wanted to tell you that I have just been through something really similar. I met a guy online whom I started dating. We got serious fast (we are a bit older) and we talked about marriage and having children. Ours was a long distance relationship and so we were apart alot. But I was the one who had to do the calling. He had a whole hord of female friends and even some of them were his exes. Unlike you I wasnt really bothered by that. I felt confident enough in myself that I knew they weren't competition.

 

But i was bothered by the fact that everytime we saw each other, it was my effort. I also called most of the time. He could go for days sometimes even a week and not call if I let it go that way. Sometimes I would text message him and he would not answer for hours. Once even for a whole day. On numerous occasions when I had business trips in Europe (where he lives) I made the effort to detour from my business trip to see him. Like you this guy made his time so scarce that it started feeling like a contest to get to be with him.

 

What got me confused in all of this is that he promised me that we were going to marry. He asked me to move in with him in September. He asked me to quit my job to come and live with him. I was going to do all that for him. I loved him and could hardly wait to live with him.

 

Then it all fell apart.

 

Two weeks ago we broke up. We had a fight one night. And he ended it right after our fight. The reason we fought. Well he told me he wanted me to have an AIDS test so we could sleep unprotected. He promised to take one too. When I asked him "what if I get pregnant" He said that would be ok. That night when I thought we were going to make a baby ... he pulled out at the last minute. He told me that I misunderstood. He didnt mean that we were going to have a baby now. I just flipped not so much becuase he didnt make a baby with me right then and there but because I lost trust for him. In fact I probably never had it from the beggining.

 

The reason I am telling you this story is because its important to feel equal in a relationship. NOt all relationships are always 50 50 %. Sometimes you do have to give more and take less. That happens to all of us. But when the balance is so uneven for such a long long period of time, like what you and I experienced the emotional turmoil and hurt that this causes is too much for any normal human being to bear. Especially if you have some self respect.

 

I know I've been there. I felt like he was out of my league. While he was good looking and all that and very smart. I look like Angeline Jolie and I am a diplomat. Not that this stuff matters in the long run in a relationship but I guess what I am saying is that I was and should have been a catch for him and he should have treated me that way. The way I chased him never allowed for him to chase me. It remained an uneven relationship for the majority of the time that it lasted. And finally I flipped out.

 

You know what else. The stuff you were telling me about how she tells you she is always being hit on. He did that stuff to me too. One night he told me that every week a woman asks him to have his baby. You know how that made me feel? Especially since I am like a continent away from him. It made me feel like cr*p. Then there was the time that the cop on the street corner in front of his house kept telling him that two women were driving by looking for him one night. They asked the cop whether he was coming home alone. I asked him if he had someone else. He denied it saying it was probably some of his female friends joking around.

 

I wonder sometimes whether he is ever going to think that he did something wrong to make this relationship deteriorate.

 

I guess what I am telling you is that you shouldnt feel bad. No human being can withstand that kind of pressure. I couldnt and I am much older and wiser than you. We all want to be loved and relationships should at a certain minimum be somewhat equal. Not always equal 50 50 every day. But the big picture should be equal.

 

What was she doing out on your birthday? That is BS. Why is she not being supportive at your Gfather's funeral. Why is she telling you about all her exes or being hit on. I asked myself very similar questions to the ones you are asking. Just in a different form. Mine were, why do I do most of the calling? How come he doesnt answer my sms. why is he not making an effort to come see me? Why is he always saying he is taking some mysterious trip. The answer I believe is because they are insecure. Dont let that hurt you anymore. You acted the way someone is supposed to in a relationship. And on some level I do get teh impression that your gf cared about you. I know mine ex did. There were many things he did like your gf that showed that he cared.

 

But its got to be back and forth and more equal or its doomed to fail.

 

I dont know if you will get back together with this girl or move on to the next. But try to keep your head cool and show your feelings less next time until that time where the relationship is more established. This is the lesson that I learned from this and believe me its a hard lesson to learn when you are 38 like me.

 

Good luck to you. And if you need to talk more you can write me at [email protected]

[beautifulearth83]

Thank you for your responses. Indeed some good words. And I feel for you with what you're going through and I wish you the best.

 

I'm just so torn right now between being mad and bitter toward her and missing her. I think about her all the time, but I can't get myself to be the one to inch toward her again. I feel like all it would take is one sincere moment where she looks me in the eyes and tells me that she loves me. Tells me how much I mean to her. Maybe tell me I'm wonderful and she wants to work it out.

 

But now I know she's out having a great time, on some sort of high from being the one who was dumped. She doesn't understand me. And if she knew me like anybody else she would see the goodness in me. I don't know what to do.

 

This one girl I'm talking to now is amazing and says all the right things, but I can't stop thinking about how much I care about my ex and certain things I miss. But I'm stuck because I know how much about that relationship bothered me and made me sad. Wasn't healthy. I don't know if it will ever pass. sigh

[overseas2004]

Listen, if you inch towards her it will all go back to teh way it was with ONE big exception. It will be worse. Dig deep in your heart. Do you not find the truth in my words?

 

I wanted to tell you that my ex texted me last night. He had the audacity to say that he was angry at me for not writing back.

 

If you are to get back together with this girl, it has to be her initiative.

 

In the meantime, you are lucky. YOu have someone else. I wish I did. It would definately help to keep my mind of mr a**H*le.

[beautifulearth83]

Yeah I feel for you buddy. That has to be hard especially with the distance. But you seem like a nice person and you should find somebody who is local and wonderful.

 

I just hate thinking about the fact that I broke up with her. I know this sounds crazy but I would have rather been dumped. When I first met her I was always positive and outgoing and happy. Now she only thinks I'm insecure and confused. It's like she's completely turned the tables on me. I feel mentally and emotionally abused.

 

There are so many great things about her, but the way she has infected my brain as of lately is so hard.

[mrniceguyclimber]

hi mr. niceguyclimber here . i just want to tell you . please do no contact with her for at least one month . she needs to miss you and feel for you . she is too selfish and not concerned with you now . if she sees you are gone , she may reconsider her ways ? ok m, good luck , mrniceguyclimber

[mrniceguyclimber]

overseas , you sound like a wonderful insightful young woman of 38 . i am impressed . i am in my early 40's , but i must say you are on the mark with your thoughts . i had the same experience as you and i agree with your views . sometimes people do not realize how great you are , until you are gone , it is sad , but true . i think your advice to beautifulearth is perfect . i agree . beautifulearth do not get down , this girl does not see how great you are . but in time away from you , she probably will . ok need to go . talk soon , mrniceguyclimber .

[beautifulearth83]

thank you so much for your replies and good words...this is starting to help i think.

 

i really just beat myself up so much. yeah i did things in the relationship as she did, but i just always felt like i was alone....she is so beautiful and so wonderful but she knows it, and i didn't ever feel like i was allowed to be the star, i wanted us to be stars together

 

i miss her so much sometimes, but my dignity and the advice i get from other people won't allow me to. everybody, even my family told me to let her go.

 

i know it's not about what other people think, but those opinions and views mean something to me. i'm so confused.

[overseas2004]

Thanks Mrniceguyclimber. Those were really thoughtful words and sometimes when you feel really really down a nice word from someone is the best medicine.

 

I just wanted to let beautifulearth know that I would give my right arm if my current bf made me tacos and treated me the way you treated this girl. Look, I am not a taco girl either but for a guy like you I would have ate them with grace.

 

Ok so chin up. You did what you were supposed to do. Just invest less next time until you know she is yours.

[beautifulearth83]

Thank you. You've been swell to me on here. I don't mean to get intense. It's just hard. I can't really enjoy anything lately because i'm sitting around feeling guilty and sad. I keep pondering if i should write a letter or not...or call her...but i'm scared to give in

[mrniceguyclimber]

beautiful earth you deserve a wonderful girl who will stand by you in good and sad times . she is selfish . i know you are hurting . she is not seeing the light . she thinks there are plenty of guys like you out there . guess what ? she is wrong . the good guy is the minority . the sooner she realizes , the better for her . otherwise she will probably lose you . because in time you will find a special person with a good heart . i feel your pain guy . i understand . good luck . overseas , good luck to you too . you seem pretty special . do not let this ex get you down . you are the one with true love in your heart , not him . mrniceguyclimber .