superconductor Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Brand-new to the board, needing some guidance. Background: She and I met in 1981, married in 1986. After some difficult issues with her family - her father, an abusive drunk, had died leaving a lot of issues unresolved she decided she wanted to be single, and we divorced in 1991. Since then, she's been seriously involved with a few other men, but was cheated on & ripped off by them. She's now single. As for me, I got married again in 1995, divorced in 2002. Wife #2 cheated. Good riddance. Current situation: Wife #1 and I have maintained contact, and we've been to see each other a number of times. We get along well, but there's been no intimacy. We live about a 6-hour drive from each other, so we only get to see each other a couple of times a year, but we chat on the phone about once a month. She's fearful of getting involved again, because of her past experience with some men who have treated her with disrespect. Long story short: I would very much like to be her partner again. I've been crazy about her since our first meeting over 25 years ago, and that feeling has never gone away. I've expressed this to her, but she is much too fearful of getting involved again. "I cannot go through that again," she's told me. "It's just too hard on me." She's probably right. She came close to a nervous breakdown when she discovered that one of her men had cheated on her, then emptied her bank account and left for parts unknown. I never cheated on her. I never abused her. I'm financially stable, emotionally reliable, I'm caring and respectful and deeply in love with her. I help her out when I can financially, but she's got this pride thing that keeps her from accepting help from me. I assure her that there's no hidden intent or ulterior motive, and that's true. But because of her past, she probably believes that I'm after something. I'm not. We get along well, and have always maintained good relations with members of each other's family. So, to the question: How do I approach her and frame the discussion about getting back together with her without her defaulting to the fearful feelings that have arisen out of her past? I get the sense that I'll only get one good shot at this, and if I screw it up, she may be lost to me forever. Please help.
amaysngrace Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 So, to the question: How do I approach her and frame the discussion about getting back together with her without her defaulting to the fearful feelings that have arisen out of her past? I get the sense that I'll only get one good shot at this, and if I screw it up, she may be lost to me forever. Please help. For now, I would just maintain the friendship with her. She sounds like she is still in the healing process from her most recent relationship and, if so, most likely doesn't want to be pressured into another at this time. If you truly love her as you say you do, you will give her the space she needs at this time. Otherwise, you will be acting selfishly in seeing your needs are met, not hers.
Author superconductor Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Thx for the reply. Anybody else? Women especially. Throw me a bone here!
iron_m Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Brand-new to the board, needing some guidance. I never cheated on her. I never abused her. I'm financially stable, emotionally reliable, I'm caring and respectful and deeply in love with her. you are stable, she is not.
paige367 Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 Although I have not been through quite as much as your ex I can identify with what she's going through. My advice to you to to BE THERE FOR HER in any way that she needs. Emotionally, Intellectually....She's like a wounded animal licking her wounds in her cave right now. The good news is that she come out of the cave occasionally to talk to you and see you so she must trust you. You need to find a way to just lightly touch on the subject of your feelings for her. Be easy! You're trying to coax a hurt squirrel out of a cave. Big splashy motions will scare her. Maybe just say "I have been here for you and I will be here for you" and look into her eyes when you say it. If your feelings are this strong after going through all this then she will see it in your face. Then settle in and wait, she's got some work to do on her own before she accepts you back into her heart Good luck and I would be interested in knowing how it all turns out.
Touche Posted June 15, 2006 Posted June 15, 2006 For now, I would just maintain the friendship with her. She sounds like she is still in the healing process from her most recent relationship and, if so, most likely doesn't want to be pressured into another at this time. If you truly love her as you say you do, you will give her the space she needs at this time. Otherwise, you will be acting selfishly in seeing your needs are met, not hers. For what it's worth that was exactly my answer as well. You don't HAVE to have an answer right now. If she's worth it to you then wait and concentrate on the friendship you have with her. Build on that. If it's meant to be, it will happen whether you have a "talk" with her or not. It will just naturally be an outgrowth of the friendship.
Author superconductor Posted June 16, 2006 Author Posted June 16, 2006 Thanks for the responses. She and I chatted last night on the phone, just a regular conversation about families, weather, jobs, etc. etc. Then I broached the topic about coming to see her within the next couple of weeks (we live about a 6 hour drive apart). She agreed immediately, and told me that she's got some time off next month and would be happy to see me during her vacation. Sounds good so far. Now, we haven't talked "relationship" stuff at all. I do want to take this very gingergly for fear of driving her away, but at the same time I want her to know that I care for her deeply. I just don't know how to express myself to her without her running for the hills.
dgiirl Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Now, we haven't talked "relationship" stuff at all. I do want to take this very gingergly for fear of driving her away, but at the same time I want her to know that I care for her deeply. I just don't know how to express myself to her without her running for the hills. She already knows. You are driving a fair distance to see her. But take it slow. Give her as much space and time she needs. You dont want to end up in a rebound relationship with her and right now she needs time.
Gunny376 Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Once upon a time ~ in the not so distant past ~ men wanted and needed women ~ and men wanted and need women. Men wanted women for the obvious ~ cook, clean, sex, have children ~ heck just because they like having them around. Women needed men for sex, to have chldren, as protectors against the Mongolian hoards ~ or whoever came riding over the hills, and to bring home the Wooly Mammouth meat. Flash forward to 2006 ~ we've got all these modern day convineances, and contramptions. We're more organized, have laws in place, court systems, and we've gone through women's lib, and all this touchey ~ feely ~ get in touch with your inner child crap. We've been hearing it since the Sixties ~ that men need to get in touch with their feelings, be more caring, more nurturing, more sensitive. Forget that. Most of that is media crap off of TV and the media. Thing is women don't need men like they use to ~ they've got the armed forces, the national guard, police and firemen ~ and they can hire someone to move or fix something. Women want the same thing they've been wanting all along from men for thousands, upon thousands of years. They want a protector, man that has the potential to be a good provider, a man that is confident and self assured, who is a leader, who isn't wishy~washy, who is intellegent, who has the answers to the questions, the solutions to the problems ~ whose NOT part of the question and part of the solution. Who's solid, and stable. When you ask a woman to dance, and she accepts, who leads? The man When a man and a woman ~ who generally asks who out? The man. When they do get together, whose got to come up with "a plan" for the date ~ the man. When it comes to the first kiss ~ who initates it? The man. When it comes tol being more physically intimate ~ who initates it? The man. If you want to hold a woman's hand ~ do you ask first? No. If you want to kiss a woman ~ do you ask first? No. Women want you to be kind, caring, sensative, nurturing, giving to her, little children, old people, and animals ~ to everyone else she want to kick their azz should the need to rise. Are you seeing a trend her? What I'm saying here is be the man ~ lead, initiate,..............."man up" What I'm also going to say is go slooowwww~! Pace yourself. If you've got to go walking through a mine field slow ~ so be it. Some would say I'm advocating playing games ~ not at all. Courtship is a dance. You've got to make all the necessary steps. Look at the animal kingdom ~ the females don't just let any male mate with them ~ they got to prove their the fittest (not the smartest ~ or even the best ~ but the fittest.) Even then, there's a little foreplay that's involved. A "courtship dance. As you get into the "dance" she's going to "test" you to see if you're the genuine article ~ or like all the other losers she's meet over the last 25 years? You've got to be prepared ~ the lady's been through a lot. Because of that her "jerk-dar" IS going to be wide open, and on fulll alert. There's a certain amount of haggling that needs to be done artfully, skillfully, and its part of the dance as well ~ BE PATIENT ~ be subtetle. There's a certain amount of selling ~selling yourself ~ that has to be done. You've overcome her objections ~ and their are plenty of them ~ because of other men in her life ~ and she's been wounded ~ but in every woman ~ there's a little girl looking for her knight in shinning armour. It sort of like going to look for a job ~ and you get to an interview. What you need to understand is that the person or person's doing the interview is looking for any and every reason ~ NOT TO HIRE YOU ~ not hire you. The hiring procecss from their perspective is to eliminate you and as many others as possible ~ to select the best canidate ~ same deal here. If you're over-zealous, over-anxious, too pushy, too soon, too quick you're going to end up in the reject pile ~ because you're going to remind her of all the jerks like that, that have come before you ~ then you become desparte ~ more pushy ~ and you start freaking her out. So go slow. But, in no un-certain terns let her know that you're a man that has slow hands, is patient, in control of your emotions, your desires, have self contol and self discipline, are decesive, determined, not wishy-washy, not a waffle, who can be caring, nurturing, supportative, giving ~ but also strong, protective ~ but not needy ~ patient but perseistent. And let her know in no un-certain terms that you want to be more than just friends.
Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 is there currently anyone in your life (romantically) that could be damaged by this "innocent" meeting? are you dating anyone at the moment?
Author superconductor Posted June 17, 2006 Author Posted June 17, 2006 is there currently anyone in your life (romantically) that could be damaged by this "innocent" meeting? are you dating anyone at the moment? Good question, but no, there's no one else.
SoleMate Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 I recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley for an in-depth explanation of what creates and sustains romantic love between a man and a woman. Basically, it happens when each person does a great job of meeting the other person's most deeply held emotional needs. I can't deny that you have a tough case here. Even if you did a fantastic job meeting her needs, her history means that she might still be scared. Cognitive therapy might help her have a more realistic/positive expectation of what another r/s with you would be like. A very helpful book for this is The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. After some difficult issues with her family - her father, an abusive drunk, had died leaving a lot of issues unresolved - she decided she wanted to be single, and we divorced in 1991. I think that there are some details here that you left out. It is not a typical sequence of events that problems with a father will lead 1, 2, 3 to a divorce. I wouldn't have a lot of confidence in this r/s until you both understand why the divorce happened, and the role you each must have played.
Lollie72 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Brand-new to the board, needing some guidance. Background: She and I met in 1981, married in 1986. After some difficult issues with her family - her father, an abusive drunk, had died leaving a lot of issues unresolved she decided she wanted to be single, and we divorced in 1991. Since then, she's been seriously involved with a few other men, but was cheated on & ripped off by them. She's now single. As for me, I got married again in 1995, divorced in 2002. Wife #2 cheated. Good riddance. Current situation: Wife #1 and I have maintained contact, and we've been to see each other a number of times. We get along well, but there's been no intimacy. We live about a 6-hour drive from each other, so we only get to see each other a couple of times a year, but we chat on the phone about once a month. She's fearful of getting involved again, because of her past experience with some men who have treated her with disrespect. Long story short: I would very much like to be her partner again. I've been crazy about her since our first meeting over 25 years ago, and that feeling has never gone away. I've expressed this to her, but she is much too fearful of getting involved again. "I cannot go through that again," she's told me. "It's just too hard on me." She's probably right. She came close to a nervous breakdown when she discovered that one of her men had cheated on her, then emptied her bank account and left for parts unknown. I never cheated on her. I never abused her. I'm financially stable, emotionally reliable, I'm caring and respectful and deeply in love with her. I help her out when I can financially, but she's got this pride thing that keeps her from accepting help from me. I assure her that there's no hidden intent or ulterior motive, and that's true. But because of her past, she probably believes that I'm after something. I'm not. We get along well, and have always maintained good relations with members of each other's family. So, to the question: How do I approach her and frame the discussion about getting back together with her without her defaulting to the fearful feelings that have arisen out of her past? I get the sense that I'll only get one good shot at this, and if I screw it up, she may be lost to me forever. Please help. You might suggest she try the empty chair at al-anon(call AA or go online at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ or CoDependents anonymous. She's an adult child who's been affected by drinkers.
Author superconductor Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 How's that book coming along? I read Burns' The Feeling Good Handbook some time ago but frankly it didn't do much for me. I haven't picked up the Harley book yet, as I'm hoping to be able to snag it from the local library for a couple of weeks.
Author superconductor Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Quick update: I drove the 5+ hours to see her and spent a couple of days at her place. I slept in the living room on one of those impossibly-uncomfortable pull-out couches. We talked at length. In short, the answer is no. There is no room for compromise, there is no reason for hope, there is absolutely no chance whatsoever of re-igniting anything.
Author superconductor Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 I don't want a second-rate friendship with her. It's all or nothing. So I guess it's nothing.
Lor Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 at least give her credit for being straight with you. She could have strung you along just to keep a friendly face around.
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