UnknowingOW Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I've read, and read, and read anything I could with the hopes of trying to understand every possible reason as to how all this happen. (becoming the OW). My MM is 15-years my senior. So, could this all be MLC? Possibly...this started when he was in his early 50's, and here we are 5-years later and he's stepped beyond boundaries which existed with him as well...never wanting to step outside his marriage. I never knew he was married until a few weeks ago. I confronted him with the truth. He cried and said he never meant to hurt me, that this is killing him that he hurt me. That he couldn't lose me as a friend...(we have been friends for years). That he loved me. That this is real. That they've been apart and together many times trying to make a go of it. That they are currently appart again and have been since the 1st of the year. He told me when we met he had be separated for 2-years and was seeking divorce. They were living in separate states. Why couldn't he have told me that years ago??? I have never looked at our relationship having a furture...he was too hung up in our age difference. Yet, that never stopped him from persuing me at all cost. He's told me he's wronged me and I should drop him. But is that his way of saying to me...please leave because I don't have the strength? But in the same breathe he states he cannot lose me. Yet in the same breathe he utters...I cannot let you go out of my every thought... I've finally asked what his plans were. He doesn't know. It's been struggling for years to stay or leave. I asked if he loves his W...he doesn't know. He only knows it's a love/hate realtionship. They argue over everything. Is this MLC??? He's unhappy with his looks, he's unhappy with his life. He hides in his work to make himself complete. (we are both like this). One other thing he stated was he "thought" after finding me he could break away...this statement made me think...was he using me to exit his marriage? I honestly don't know. I just know I don't like this. I keep thinking, why did he come see me last year? Why did he persue me this year into finally being together when in the past he or I said no. I keep thinking about her...and how it will kill her to know the truth of his deceit. I have made it clear. I cannot continue with a relationship with him if he is married. He agrees. He's stated he needs to make some tough decisions. To be honest, I have told him to go back and make it work with her...get into counseling...whatever it takes if he loves her. But why is it I nor he cannot get us out of our heads? Part of me thinks this is sexual for him. I've asked and he said abosolutely not! But, he cannot get pass the images of our weekend in his head. That weekend wasn't about sex...it hit a spiritual level such as the type you have with someone you love. I keep blocking and unblocking his name on my messenger. He was there all weekend looking for me, but I stayed hidden from him. I want to move away from him. I want him to have time to figure out what the hell he is looking for in his life without me being available to him, or clouding his better judgement. You see, he's a decent man who is caught up in something...either the MLC or the exit affair. I cannot let him hurt me anymore, but I cannot walk away completely. I think my reasoning is I have always been there for my friends. And if one is in crisis I will do whatever it takes to help them through.
zarathustra Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I just know I don't like this. I keep thinking, why did he come see me last year? Why did he persue me this year into finally being together when in the past he or I said no. I keep thinking about her...and how it will kill her to know the truth of his deceit. I have made it clear. I cannot continue with a relationship with him if he is married. He agrees. He's stated he needs to make some tough decisions. To be honest, I have told him to go back and make it work with her...get into counseling...whatever it takes if he loves her. yes, he needs to make some tough decisions and he needs to make it without your influence. At least, that's what I think. I also agree with you that he needs to go back and try to make it work with his wife and if it doesn't work, its not because he wants to be with you, but that he wants out. But why is it I nor he cannot get us out of our heads? Part of me thinks this is sexual for him. I've asked and he said abosolutely not! But, he cannot get pass the images of our weekend in his head. That weekend wasn't about sex...it hit a spiritual level such as the type you have with someone you love. I keep blocking and unblocking his name on my messenger. He was there all weekend looking for me, but I stayed hidden from him. I want to move away from him. I want him to have time to figure out what the hell he is looking for in his life without me being available to him, or clouding his better judgement. You see, he's a decent man who is caught up in something...either the MLC or the exit affair.He's a man who chose to get caught up in something instead of really dealing with the issues in his life. You happened to be swept into his problems for which he had no right of doing to you. I cannot let him hurt me anymore, but I cannot walk away completely. yes you can. I think my reasoning is I have always been there for my friends. And if one is in crisis I will do whatever it takes to help them through. You have to understand that friends would not put you in a position of hurt. Things don't just happen. My xMM didn't tell me that he was unhappy with life in general and that his expectation was that people around him would make him happy. He left his family for me and he wasn't happy at home thinking that I would be the source of his happiness. All it did was make him realize that happiness comes from within. Duh! Oprah could have told him that!! Didn't have to f*** up my life in order to find that out.
RealityCheck Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Firstly, I just better state for the record that I was NOT looking for a MM, it happened to present itself. You know, I'm probably one of the very few that will admit I liked my affair situation. I feel I had the best of both worlds as well because I didn't want a full blown committment. It was my exMM that got all f*cked up in the A with "falling in love" with me and having to deal with his situation at home. I went NC, he went NC now I guess we are in another phase where he has made contact and is consumed with thoughts of me and wants to continue the A. Where are my thoughts in all of this, hell yes! I really did enjoy what we had! It may not be enough for some people, but it certainly suits my needs.
Walking away Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 The best decision I ever made was to walk away from my MM and never look back. After the inital shock and discomfort of "losing" him....and yes, he still contacts me from time to time....I can say with absolute certainty that the pain is gone. This relationship was an utter waste of my time. And I have no desire to ever go back to that again. Yes, I didn't think that I would be able to walk away completely, but I KNEW that I had the strength...just needed to muster it up and walk away. And, I wish I had done it sooner. Being a mistress was NEVER me. It wasn't my style. And I am indignant now that I was led into a fairytale relationship without him disclosing his marital status to me. He took away my choices. But, I took control back into my life, and I haven't regretted one moment of that decision. I am off of that roller coaster ride. I am feeling strong again. I am happy again. ANd, most of all, I have MYSELF back again. This affair turned me into someone I didn't know. I NEEDED to get myself back again. Love SHOULDN'T hurt this much. I realized that after I got out of this situation. It shouldn't be that hard. I wish you well, but I anticipate much more heartache and pain if you stay. It is inevitable.
movinon05 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Yes, you have to remember the pain is inevitable. Rather than read and read and worry about how and why this all happened, you need to focus on getting out of it. Please continue reading the heartbreak on these boards. Because that is EXACTLY what you are in for!! You are also trying to find excuses for him. MLC . "He is a decent man". He may be a decent man, but he's telling you things to hold onto you. He got caught!!! And he deceived you from the very beginning. REMEMBER YOUR FIRST POSTS. Go back and look at them. You were ANGRY!!! He did not have your best interests at heart. You need to try to stop thinking of the nice things and excusing him for his behavior just because he is hurting now. You need to think about YOU and let him work his problems out. Do not be his Mommy and try to be there for him. He's a grown man.
norajane Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 He's told me he's wronged me and I should drop him. When guys say stuff like this, you should listen. He knows himself better than you know him, and he knows how messed up he is, and how much he's messing up your life. Let him deal with his issues on his own, or with his wife. It's really, really hard, but if this thing with his wife has been going on this long, it's not about to end any time soon.
Iwanttohope Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Ok MO...I know that's you but I keep getting tickled everytime I see that picture. I can't help but think Keith is giving advice. I'm even laughing at myself for getting tickled at it:laugh: :laugh:
movinon05 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Ok MO...I know that's you but I keep getting tickled everytime I see that picture. I can't help but think Keith is giving advice. I'm even laughing at myself for getting tickled at it:laugh: :laugh: LOL!! That is funny! Sorry to throw you off like that! I have to believe that cuteypie is one perfect man, especially when I hear what he writes and sings. I'll forgive him his past dependencies.
Author UnknowingOW Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 Sorry for not responding...I've been traveling and have finally had a few minutes to read the responses. Everyone has given me such good insight. Yes, he is a grown man and needs to make his choices in life. He was not kind when he deceived me. Ultimately I believe he will go back and stay or divorce. Like I said, never thought of us and future in the same thought. I was DAMN angry. Not so much any more, but am confused now. Putting space and distance is the best thing but it's difficult. It's funny, last night I was in aiport hell, and another married man (long-term friend) called me. I was running for the bushes thinking I've got some sticker attached to my forehead saying, "if you are a married man, call." I know that isn't the case with my friend that called. But it certainly made me feel that way. He was asking "what's wrong with you, why are you acting so strange? I responded by "How's C doing? How's married life? Any kids yet? There is such a stigma I've attached to myself regarding this whole incident.
movinon05 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 I was DAMN angry. Not so much any more, but am confused now. This is exactly what happens to virtually everyone. Its the process. There are all different aspects. And no matter how angry we are in the beginning, determined we will not falter, our anger subsides, and then our thoughts start going haywire. That is why very few are able to get out of this at the very beginning. We succumb to our thoughts and remember our initial feelings with the help of the cries of the MM.
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