j.carsey Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 There is a lot of WORRYING going on in this thread! "What if she..." To the original poster, if I was one of your guy friends from highschool I would probably say something blunt like this: she's a stranger anyway, who cares what she thinks. This is virtually a zero risk situation. Yesterday you didn't know her. Make a move and see how she responds maybe it will be GREAT. If she shoots you down mildly (perhaps still giving a signal of interest) then maybe ease off and give it some more time, then make another move. If she totally shoots you down, so what?? Maybe she will pull out the "I think of you as my friend". Hell you've got plenty of friends already, nobody is forcing you to waste time on her then. Don't let her string you along in that case. If it goes down like that, you just give up on her. Like I said she's a stranger anyway you've got nothing to lose
j.carsey Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Anything can happen! noclobber, listen to norajane she has good advice and summed it up beautifully in that one line: anything can happen She is absolutely right. In my case, the last two women I've been with both started off as boring old "just friends" ! One of them blossomed into a fantastic relationship, still the best I've ever had to date and we are friends even after breaking up. The second one spurred some intense physical attraction, also (long) after she originally told me no. So look at this another way: sure, she might say no. BUT no doesn't always mean no. And if it seems like you're getting stringed along and it's not happening, just give up and stop spending time with her.
Author noclobber Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 Thanks guys I am sure most of you are surprised why I am worrying so much about a situation that I am actually supposed to be happy about.... Normally just like any other guy I would feel happy.... b'cos here is a guy that meets a girl in a public place, talks to her, they happen to meet again, and then the girl asks the guy for a baseball game.... That's something to feel joyful about especially b'cos of the fact that I am an Indian and the girl is an American. The underlying factor that is the cause for all my turmoil is that I faced an identitical situation last year... Back then I agreed for the date... thought it was a date, felt happy about it, only later to hear that she actually wanted just friendship from me and she had basically approached me only with the intention of "just friends".... It's a long long story that many members here on LS know about... Long story short -> I got emotionally scarred... As I mentioned earlier, I am from India, a place where dating is non-existent, so that makes me very inexperienced when it comes to dating. But still in all my right mind I thought in American culture when one of the two people that met just recently ask the other out they mean it as a date.. I was so happy and then got crushed when I realized that she actually wanted only friendship from me.... Because I had already crossed a certain emotional set-point I couldn't back away from her after knowing that she only wanted friendship... I continued hanging out with her and got ruined emotionally.... That's the reason why I am having all those unwanted thoughts now..... May be I am just trying to protect my heart that has become so fragile now b'cos of the bad experience I had with the previous girl.. Indians are very emotional people and I am no exception... I believe that its human nature to conclude that good things can never happen in their lives b'cos of a string of bad events that happened in the past. Simply put, I am letting my past get in the way of my future!!!!!!! And I don't know how to shake it.... If you guys can give me some advice about how to deal with this I would greatly appreciate it!
j.carsey Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 noclobber although I live in Canada, my background is also from a middle eastern country. Don't worry too much about that, speaking candidly with similarly aged people in "repressed, backward" areas of the world I have discovered that we are all the same, we have the same fears and desires. Sure westerners are a bit more easy going but it's not shockingly different in other parts of the world. We immigrant types however ARE a bit more sheltered as we are raised, because we generally have caring parents and strong family values But what you're describing, letting fear or past pain control your future actions, has nothing to do with your culture or upbringing but it is a psychological condition (learned response/behavioural conditioning). You CAN get over it if you force yourself a little. When you wrote "I got emotionally scarred". I read that and think, this is a judgement this man has made about himself and it is overly harsh, and it is not productive. Can you think of it as just a "bad episode" or an "unfortunate series of events"? Recognize that it is not a lasting chronic condition. It is totally within your power to define how you see that past unpleasantness. People are unpredictable, every situation you encounter with another human is unique and novel! I took a university class once within a marriage/family department and the professor made a point of this: everyone is unique. If you think about that for a bit it is really an eye opening observation, and can bring you a lot of peace and optimism. (Or at least it did to me) You will have your best chances in relationships if you can approach each situation with a fresh start, without bias, fear, contempt or prejudice. As they say in the financial world, past performance is not a predictor of future results.
Author noclobber Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 Thanks Carsey! I can't agree more. To be frank, it's not that I am having this attitude when it comes to relationships alone... I am viewing life in general with these twisted thoughts. I had to struggle a lot to get some things that my friends and other people could get without any problems... With such events repeating on a regular basis I have started to believe that I am an unlucky guy... It was exactly at such a time that I met the girl last year. I was so happy when she asked me out only to learn later that she was only interested in being friends with me. That kind of reinforced the idea that I have about myself -> I am an unlucky guy and good things will not happen to me!!! We immigrant types however ARE a bit more sheltered as we are raised, because we generally have caring parents and strong family values. But what you're describing, letting fear or past pain control your future actions, has nothing to do with your culture or upbringing but it is a psychological condition (learned response/behavioural conditioning). You CAN get over it if you force yourself a little. When you wrote "I got emotionally scarred". I read that and think, this is a judgement this man has made about himself and it is overly harsh, and it is not productive. Can you think of it as just a "bad episode" or an "unfortunate series of events"? Recognize that it is not a lasting chronic condition. It is totally within your power to define how you see that past unpleasantness. People are unpredictable, every situation you encounter with another human is unique and novel! I took a university class once within a marriage/family department and the professor made a point of this: everyone is unique. If you think about that for a bit it is really an eye opening observation, and can bring you a lot of peace and optimism. (Or at least it did to me) You will have your best chances in relationships if you can approach each situation with a fresh start, without bias, fear, contempt or prejudice. As they say in the financial world, past performance is not a predictor of future results.
jerbear Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 I had to struggle a lot to get some things that my friends and other people could get without any problems... With such events repeating on a regular basis I have started to believe that I am an unlucky guy... It was exactly at such a time that I met the girl last year. I was so happy when she asked me out only to learn later that she was only interested in being friends with me. That kind of reinforced the idea that I have about myself -> I am an unlucky guy and good things will not happen to me!!! Noclobber, first you are not unlucky. There are many people, out there that took years to figure it out. I had one in college where I was "stuck" for 2 years and lost out on a few opportunities. I do have to say one thing, when a door closes a window opens up. She asked you out, now IF you are interested then go. This is a bad idea but I will suggest it. If you are slightly interested, let her know of your situation and let her decide. In your current state, I would suggest avoiding serious relationships for now. Rejection unfortunately is part of life. We reject our parents views, yet sometimes still obey their wishes when younger.
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