noclobber Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Assume that you meet someone new of the opposite sex in a public place like bookstore, library, or a bus stop... You strike up a conversation and it goes well... you meet the same person again in a couple of days and talk.. After 2 or 3 such incidents if one of them says to the other "we should do lunch sometime" or "do you want to go the baseball game?" does that mean that that person is asking out the other on a date??? If its not can you please tell what exactly would constitute asking out someone? Also if the guy asks that girl's phone number and if she gives it to him what does that mean?
ash8752 Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 That is asking someone on a date absolutely. But that is good to do. It's nice to meet someone when you least expect it. When a girl gives a guy her number it could mean a couple things. One: She wants you to call her. Two: she felt bad and just gave it to you. 3 You have to pay attention to the way she acts and sounds as to whether or not she wants more than friendship. Girls really arent too hard to read. Men only think that when women arent interested as a ego blocker. Women who are interested are an open book with her gestures and actions.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Assume that you meet someone new of the opposite sex in a public place like bookstore, library, or a bus stop... You strike up a conversation and it goes well... you meet the same person again in a couple of days and talk.. After 2 or 3 such incidents if one of them says to the other "we should do lunch sometime" or "do you want to go the baseball game?" does that mean that that person is asking out the other on a date??? Means that the person is interested and sees potiential...And wants to get to know the other person. Also if the guy asks that girl's phone number and if she gives it to him what does that mean? Means more than likely she's interested. But until you call, you never know for sure. Sometimes people (both men and women) give the phone number out because they'd rather take the number and not call - Rather than say, No, I don't feel comfortable giving you my number. Call and see what happens!! I be assuming you've met someone that's caught your eye???
Author noclobber Posted June 12, 2006 Author Posted June 12, 2006 Means that the person is interested and sees potiential...And wants to get to know the other person. Means more than likely she's interested. But until you call, you never know for sure. Sometimes people (both men and women) give the phone number out because they'd rather take the number and not call - Rather than say, No, I don't feel comfortable giving you my number. Call and see what happens!! I be assuming you've met someone that's caught your eye??? Thanks WWIU Yes, I met a girl at the bus stop last week and we just happened to talk.. we met again couple more times and she said we should meet for lunch sometime... she also said "do you want to go to the baseball game?" ... i said yes and later asked for her number and she gave it to me.... Everything so far sounds good..... but only after I reached home it struck me that the same thing happened last year... this is exactly what happened with my female "friend" (you know my story)... this is how we met couple of times and she asked me for lunch and the games... I did the mistake then that she was interested in dating me... only to hear her say that "we are friends"... you know very well about the emotional turmoil that i underwent... I am still healing from my emotional wounds and I don't think i will take it any further with this new girl that i met last week.. I will just give her a call and talk myself out of the baseball game that I initially agreed to go.. Can you tell me how I can politely refuse to go with her?
alphamale Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Also if the guy asks that girl's phone number and if she gives it to him what does that mean? it means you have a way to contact her...that is all
j.carsey Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 My understanding is, this is not necessarily a date but some people might see it like that. The more non-threatening the better. Sometimes when I ask girls (or guys) from a public place like this I really just think they would be a cool friend, nothing more! One of my girlfriends used to go around asking for strangers (other girls) phone numbers in random places. And she was just seeking new friends, although she did encounter people who misinterpreted this type of thing does not necessarily mean date/romantic/sex. It could of course. As for what exactly constitutes asking out, I think there is no reliable recipe for it. Sometimes I've used the same invitation on two girls, one ends up thinking it's a serious date and the other thinks nothing even close. What an invitation and getting a number definitely means is that the person likes you, either as a potential friend or more! It's an open door, what comes next depends on so much other stuff. If you ask a girl's number and she gives it to you, maybe she just wants to be a casual friend, maybe she is attracted to you but you can't tell just from that.
crazy_grl Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 noclobber, I remember your story about that last girl. I think if you're looking to avoid a situation like that and you're interested in this new girl, you should just come out and tell her instead of simply turning her down for the game. Tell her you're interested in getting to know her better and possibly dating. If she says that she just wants to be friends, then you can politely decline her invitation with no thoughts of "what if" and none of the prolonged agony of the last girl.
alphamale Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 NOCLOBBER....did you get and read the book I told you to? It looks like you did not.
Author noclobber Posted June 12, 2006 Author Posted June 12, 2006 noclobber, I remember your story about that last girl. I think if you're looking to avoid a situation like that and you're interested in this new girl, you should just come out and tell her instead of simply turning her down for the game. Tell her you're interested in getting to know her better and possibly dating. If she says that she just wants to be friends, then you can politely decline her invitation with no thoughts of "what if" and none of the prolonged agony of the last girl. Thanks crazy_grl But I am not going to talk about dating... At this point of time I don't know whether this girl is interested in dating me or only sees me as a potential friend. I really don't want to ask her and then hear the humiliating sentence -> "I only like you as a friend" if that's what she feels. That's just too humiliating and insulting to hear it from a girl.. I would rather be smart this time and talk myself out of going out with her. In that way I can nip this one in the bud... can you plz tell me how I can call her up and say that I am not interested in going out with her in a polite way?
norajane Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Yeah, why bother getting to know people and making friends? Better to sit at home feeling bad about your last relationship. Dude, you've got a girl asking you out. What more do you want? I understand you're badly hurt from the last girl, but if you never go out with anyone, you'll always be alone.
j.carsey Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I really don't want to ask her and then hear the humiliating sentence -> "I only like you as a friend" if that's what she feels. That's just too humiliating and insulting to hear it from a girl.. I would rather be smart this time and talk myself out of going out with her. In that way I can nip this one in the bud... Whoa You've just met a girl who seems very enthusiastic about spending time with you, and you want to quickly eliminate the chance of dating her? That's crazy. I know it must be hard after your previous experience, but "I only like you as a friend" isn't the end of the world. Happens A LOT to me. Sometimes it's a defense mechanism that doesn't even mean as much as it sounds, people are very dynamic and complicated things. Pain trains people (like all animals) to avoid the action that caused the pain, that is what you are experiencing. Maybe the key is not feeling pain when you hear "I only like you as a friend". More importantly, people get shot down all the time. We all get rejected, it's not the end of the world. Maybe over time you can learn to have rejections roll off you without much pain and then you will be ready to take more risks.
Author noclobber Posted June 12, 2006 Author Posted June 12, 2006 Yeah, why bother getting to know people and making friends? Better to sit at home feeling bad about your last relationship. Dude, you've got a girl asking you out. What more do you want? I understand you're badly hurt from the last girl, but if you never go out with anyone, you'll always be alone. Yes, you are right.. it does sound stupid but don't people take a break from dating after they experience painful relationships? Don't they say "I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone now"? ... I think I am doing the same thing now... While me and the last girl didn't officially date all the dynamics were there and I have been scarred and gutted now.. I am just trying to wriggle myself out of this situation with the new girl 'cos I just don't want to hear a woman say "I like you a lot, but only as a friend". That's just too insulting and humiliating to hear...
norajane Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Yes, you are right.. it does sound stupid but don't people take a break from dating after they experience painful relationships? Don't they say "I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone now"? ... I think I am doing the same thing now... While me and the last girl didn't officially date all the dynamics were there and I have been scarred and gutted now.. I am just trying to wriggle myself out of this situation with the new girl 'cos I just don't want to hear a woman say "I like you a lot, but only as a friend". That's just too insulting and humiliating to hear... It's not insulting and humiliating when a woman says it - she's not trying to insult or humiliate you. You are the one who takes that perspective...and you can change your perspective, if you wish to and if you try. There are never any guarantees in dating. Never. Even if someone is 100% interested in dating you when they first meet you, after a few dates, they might realize (or you might) that you're not a good match romantically. Someone who isn't interested in dating initially might become so after getting to know you. That's what dating is - taking the time to get to know each other and seeing if there is a mutual interest. The key to not getting hurt is to back off after someone says they're not interested in dating and want to be friends. Don't stick around and get even more involved if you want to be more than friends and she doesn't. But none of this is relevant NOW. She asked you if you'd like to get together, she asked you if you'd like to go to a ballgame, she gave you her number. Why not go and see if you have a good time together? Who knows what might happen? Why blow your chance of maybe being with someone who could care for you in a way the last girl could not? Sure, sometimes people need to take time to get over a break-up, but there's no reason to pass up going to a ballgame out of fear of rejection. Or is it that you aren't really attracted to her and would rather just be friends with her?
Pyro Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Assume that you meet someone new of the opposite sex in a public place like bookstore, library, or a bus stop... You strike up a conversation and it goes well... you meet the same person again in a couple of days and talk.. After 2 or 3 such incidents if one of them says to the other "we should do lunch sometime" or "do you want to go the baseball game?" does that mean that that person is asking out the other on a date??? If its not can you please tell what exactly would constitute asking out someone? Also if the guy asks that girl's phone number and if she gives it to him what does that mean? Heck yeah that is setting up a date. If the girl gives the guy her number it means that either she is interested in getting to know the guy or she does not want to be mean and will still give her number out and chances are she would never return your calls.
Author noclobber Posted June 12, 2006 Author Posted June 12, 2006 Even if someone is 100% interested in dating you when they first meet you, after a few dates, they might realize (or you might) that you're not a good match romantically. Someone who isn't interested in dating initially might become so after getting to know you. That's what dating is - taking the time to get to know each other and seeing if there is a mutual interest. Okay this makes perfect sense. But there is another scenario where the girl asks you for the game and also gives out her number... but in her mind she is thinking "This guy can only be my friend. I am not going to make him as my boyfriend". In other words she is approaching the guy only with friendship in her mind. That type of rejection hurts even more isn't it? I mean the guy is not even being given a chance... The 2 scenarios that you described gives the guy a chance before a decision is made. But in the scenario that I described the girl has making a decision without even giving the guy a chance. She is approaching the guy, asking him to spend time with her, and giving her number all with just friendship in her mind. Doesn't this suck? This is what I think happened with the last girl and this is what I believe might happen with the new girl.. This is also why I think its insulting and humiliating. Sure, sometimes people need to take time to get over a break-up, but there's no reason to pass up going to a ballgame out of fear of rejection. Or is it that you aren't really attracted to her and would rather just be friends with her? I do find her attractive. And that's the real problem... I just don't want to hear those insulting words "I only appreciate you as a friend" from a girl. At this point I really don't know with what intentions she asked me for the game but it just brings back some very very unpleasant memories from last year 'cos the scenarios are eerily similar.
crazy_grl Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Well, I don't think you should do this, because I think you should give this girl a shot, but since it's what you're asking for... I don't think you want to tell her the real reason you don't want to go to the game, so just tell her you have to help your friend/brother/mom/ex move or something. Or you have to go to a funeral with a friend. Of course that may only postpone the problem if she happens to ask you out again. Also, when someone tells you they just want to be friends it's not an insult. Yes it says that they're not interested in dating you, but that just means you're not suited for them for whatever reason, not that there's something wrong with you. Wouldn't it be more insulting for a woman not to want anything to do with you? If this woman didn't think there was something appealing about you (whether it's as a friend or more) she wouldn't have asked you out. Take it as a compliment even if she just wants to be friends. It's true that some people use those words to blow people off but the people who do that are cowardly jerks, so you can take an insult from them as a compliment as well.
alphamale Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Also, when someone tells you they just want to be friends it's not an insult. some women do take it as an insult when a guy tells them he just wants friendship. I've seen it a number of times personally... men tend to fall into the "friendship" trap much easier than women do.
crazy_grl Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 some women do take it as an insult when a guy tells them he just wants friendship. I've seen it a number of times personally... That may be true, but it doesn't mean that they should any more than a guy should. It's all about whether you view things positively or negatively.
Author noclobber Posted June 12, 2006 Author Posted June 12, 2006 Ok guys... I have just made my decision... I am going to call up this girl and say that I am not interested in going to the game.. I don't know what her intentions are exactly at this point of time... may be she is interested in dating me, may be she likes me only as a friend and is approaching me in that sense. It's at 50-50 chance... the last girl approached me with only friendship in her mind... I seriously do not want another girl to show interest in me as just friends... Its just insulting... like, "I like you and love you as a friend but I will never allow you to sleep with me... that privelege is for strangers and other guys..." I really don't want this humiliation.. I guess I am just not ready to date again.... may be I will in the future... but not now!
norajane Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I guess I am just not ready to date again.... may be I will in the future... but not now! You're right. If you're not ready, she's better off going out with someone who is. You're kind not to drag her into your neuroses, and I give you credit for recognizing that.
Author noclobber Posted June 12, 2006 Author Posted June 12, 2006 You're right. If you're not ready, she's better off going out with someone who is. You're kind not to drag her into your neuroses, and I give you credit for recognizing that. What do you mean by my neuroses?????? Did you see my reply to your previous post? That's what I am concerned about and that's why I made the decision I made.
norajane Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 What do you mean by my neuroses?????? Did you see my reply to your previous post? That's what I am concerned about and that's why I made the decision I made. I did see your post - you asked about - "what if" she's approaching me and asking me out but in her head just wants to be friends? I had already explained that sometimes it's possible that a person might not be interested in dating you initially, become interested after getting to know you. There are no guarantees in dating. That's a risk everyone takes when they are trying to meet someone. To have that fear (and the belief that it is humiliating) is a neurosis...it's fear and anxiety that is in your head. Definitions of neurosis: One of the major categories of emotional maladjustments, classified according to the predominant symptom of defense mechanism. Anxiety is the chief symptom, with the possibility of some impairment of thinking and judgment. www.cmpmhmr.cog.pa.us/glossary.htm Mental or psychiatric disorder characterized primarily by anxiety. Although neuroses are not accompanied by gross distortion of reality or severe personality disorganization, normal functioning is impaired by the person's symptoms; they have no organic basis, are relatively persistent, and are treatable. depression.about.com/library/glossary/blglossaryindexn.htm
Author noclobber Posted June 12, 2006 Author Posted June 12, 2006 I did see your post - you asked about - "what if" she's approaching me and asking me out but in her head just wants to be friends? I had already explained that sometimes it's possible that a person might not be interested in dating you initially, become interested after getting to know you. Okay I am getting your point Norajane.. But this is what is my concern: She might be approaching me with just friendship in her mind. And its a well known fact that women can decided within 5 seconds of meeting a new guy whether he is going to be their friend or boyfriend. So if she is approaching me with friendship in her mind that means she has already made her decision right? And once a woman puts a guy in friendzone she is not going to take him out of it.. in other words she would never date him. So the following cannot be true: I had already explained that sometimes it's possible that a person might not be interested in dating you initially, become interested after getting to know you. And, To have that fear (and the belief that it is humiliating) is a neurosis...it's fear and anxiety that is in your head. isn't getting friendzoned by a woman an insult to the guy? Everywhere you see you can observe that its a disparaging term - oh he got friendzoned!!!! That's what I am mentioning as insult... I am sorry... I am only trying to understand things better... and most importantly I am trying to avoid the mistakes I did before..
Dagny Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 You don't even know the girl well enough and you're building all sorts of conjectures, what if she does'nt like me, what if she just wants friendship? All she did was say lets hang out, its called getting to know you. And you're already jumping to all sorts of conclusions and preempting yourself. I agree with the neuroses part. Ever figured that girls might decide to be just friends with you after getting to know you ? Since you have all these fears go into hibernation right now and be a monk. why even bother posting.
norajane Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Isn't getting friendzoned by a woman an insult to the guy? No, it's not insulting... There is instant attraction, and then there is getting to know someone and becoming attracted to them even if you aren't initially. I have had both experiences, and it's often the case that the stronger attraction (for me, in the long run) is the one that comes after getting to know someone. Then my attraction is based on real qualities that I appreciate about him as a person. Or, if he's put me off initially by his behavior, I may find out that he isn't really an ass (I became attracted to someone that I didn't like much at first because he seemed rude...then I got know him and realized he was a sweetheart, just shy and awkward around women he likes). Or, I might discover he's got a wicked sense of humor and can make me laugh in three words or less. Or he might start flirting with me and I begin to see him in a different light. Anything can happen! I don't know if I'm helping you at all, but you sound like a friend of mine. His motto in life can be summed up as: "If nothing happens, then nothing bad can happen." Um, maybe so, but nothing good can happen either! I really would hate to see you pass up a chance to get to know a great girl because of your fears. The fears, some fear or other, will always be there. But you have to make a leap of faith sometime if you ever hope to get to the good part. Here, it's just a ballgame...very tiny leap of faith required. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. There's nothing wrong with that. At this stage, when you barely know each other, if you're this stressed out about what she might be thinking, I believe you're taking it too seriously. It's probably for the best that you step back until you are more ready to leap again.
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