Guest Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 I have been posting for the past couple of days and I have gotten so much great advice. Thanks you guys! But about my question...my boyfriend and I are not together as of right now after eight months of a wonderful relationship. Well, now he wants to come back. He had his "awakening" at church about two weeks ago and it goes something like this. He had gone to church and was listening, I mean really listening, to what the preacher was talking about. The preacher was talking about regrets. The church members were then instructed to write down their regrets on a piece of paper, and then shred it. The members were then told to bow their heads and listen to a song. Well, my boyfriend did this and then had a major breakdown. He was so emotional and crying really hard. Well, I learned about a week and a half afterwards that my boyfriend had said how much he wanted to change or make changes in his life, such as becoming a better Christian, changing an issue in one of his friendships, and also rebuild our relationship back to the wonderful thing we had before. He knows how much he hurt me and he is miserable about it. He says "this is all my fault" and he is trying desperately to change his ways so he can come back to me. I am in such disbelief and shock, but I am trying to look deep in my heart and forgive him for hurting me so. I am getting better each day, but I still don't TRULY forgive him yet. I have been told that men will sometimes go through a period in their life where they need to grow as far as maturity. I just wanted to know if this is true. I mean, I had never known a man to have to leave a relationship because they "can't handle it right now". Any advice?
riobikini Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 re: Guest: ". I have been told that men will sometimes go through a period in their life where they need to grow as far as maturity. I just wanted to know if this is true." (Smile) It's true of everyone. Men included. -Rio
lynni31 Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 This sounds way to familiar to me. Maybe we have been seeing the same man ....lol.
Guest Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 This sounds way to familiar to me. Maybe we have been seeing the same man ....lol. LOL...thanks. I am just trying to be patient with him and allow him to mature. I don't understand what happened, because he just started acting differently about 6 months into our relationship and then BOOM!....he breaks up with me. Well, I am waiting for him. I am moving on emotionally, but I am still not giving up on him. He even said he was mixed up really badly and that he just needed no relationship for a while. I have been praying and praying about this, and I haven't given up. I am so glad to find out that he wants to "rebuild". He wants to "start over" so-to-speak. He already considers me his "true" friend and he wants to build it up to be something much more. I know Rome wasn't built in a day, but I just hope everything works out.
RealBroken Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I'm a guy, and dont understand it. Unless he is really young like teens or early twenties. Or maybe he's older and its yet to come for me ha ha.
lynni31 Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 The same exact thing happened with the guy I was seeing, two months ago.. as I put it POOF.. overnight he changed, started going to church ALOT ,started working out obsessively.. said he needed to "focus" on other things ( finding a job ) and being a better person and couldn't do it while he was seeing me. Most people don't just shut feelings off overnight like that and I think that is why we are so confused.
jerbear Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 From my personal experience, I just outgrew the phase, her, realization, whatever. I realized that for me to get the woman I wanted, "she" tend to want a educated man with a higher degree. When my determination and life goal kicked in, I got my degree and while learning about leadership and influence including defending my points of view in the classrom and public forum. I realized that I do not really want the woman I was originally after. After that I had a talk to her about mixed signals want to date her and she said I would oneday exceed her. At some point later, I realized I did grow up and I think I have started to exceed her. I tried to get out of the vicious family cycle of broken this, middle class thinking, and old customs holding me back. I'm on my way out. So yes, for this guy at least, we do sometimes grow up. Or even wise up to a woman's charms.
rkman Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Overall, he is on the right track. Support him and you may both see excellent benefits. For you to forgive him completely, the following must occur. 1 - He must realize his faults 2 - He must regret them 3 - He must find a way to better himself 4 - He must forgive himself 5 - He must ask for forgiveness Too many people hand out forgiveness as a gift.
Guest Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Overall, he is on the right track. Support him and you may both see excellent benefits. For you to forgive him completely, the following must occur. 1 - He must realize his faults 2 - He must regret them 3 - He must find a way to better himself 4 - He must forgive himself 5 - He must ask for forgiveness Too many people hand out forgiveness as a gift. Well, as far as this little chart goes, we are on #3. He is working on this right now. We are both 17 years old, and are trying to build a future. He wants to be with me. He has made it clear, but he has to, I am guessing, "mature" right now. He has a lot of insecurities about himself and he is working on his problems. I am just hoping things will get emensely better soon. I am supporting him and he talks to me everyday because we both have drama together. In fact,that is how we met. I just keep looking for the positives and giving him the time and space he requested. In fact, I had been doing this and feeling as if I was getting no where, but I actually made great progress. I had been so patient (and I still am) and just being his friend for right now as he requested and he began to come around. He now wants to focus on our relationship and rebuild everything. I know this "rebuilding" won't be overnight, but I have faith and I am looking for the positives.
Bullgator Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 My take on this is that he had a genuine religious experience. The question which remains is just how much of what he has learned will stick. Not only do men (and women -- hat tip to riobikini) experience times of growth but also times of backsliding. Depending on your own situation, you may wish to proceed cautiously, looking for further external evidence of his change before making yourself vulnerable to him again. JMHO
riobikini Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 (Smile) Hat tip acknowledged, Bullgator. Good to see some 'Tennessee' in the boards. -Rio
Buttaflyy Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I have been posting for the past couple of days and I have gotten so much great advice. Thanks you guys! Why not sign up? Give yourself a name:D
Guest Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 I had never known a man to have to leave a relationship because they "can't handle it right now". Any advice? oh it definitely happens...........it's usually when a relationship dredges up feeings in themselves that they are not ready to deal with. In my case, I think my relationship was bringing up issues about showing emotion and being a better communicator, and he was not ready to deal with that. Not ready to face the "skeletons in his closet". The reality is, i am looking for someone that wants to work through issues. Everyone comes from some sort of dysfunction in their lives, and it is important to nreak cycles. But if someone is afraid to deal with their issues, or it's just too much work, or they run from conflict or commitment, there is just nothing you can do for that person, no matter how right they seemed for you. It was ironic, becuse the week before dumping me, we had discussed his past relationship outcomes and he said that he felt he always broke up too soon (except in one case where the girl told him he actually "waited too long"). I am very very sad, but i am going 100% no contact, and i know he is going to regret his decision. I am tired of trying to work things out with people that aren't willing to see their own flaws, and own patterns, and only run from them. He had even clearly said that "this is one of those things I just really hate about me, but have no clue what to do about it. Whenever it seems like someone expects something of me, it makes it the thing I am least likely to do. So when I feel like something is expected of me, I can somehow justify not doing it in the moment, then look back on it and see what a selfish little jerk I was. I really blame my father for this, as it is him to a tee, which makes me hate this part of me more. But I am trying to get out of this trap, just telling you about it is a first for me. I have always kept this feeling as my secret, my damn skeleton in the closet if you will. And I'm not saying it as an excuse, because it's not , I was wrong, and I accept full repsonsibility for that, I am just telling you this so maybe you can help me to stop being so selfish sometimes " and then BAM.......a situation like that comes up and he chicked out and ran. What can you do? people have to be willing to work on themselves......
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