Marie Posted November 6, 2001 Posted November 6, 2001 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have had a lot of problems in our relationship, but I realize that relationships sometimes go through hard times. We have had a couple of infidelity issues in the past. He has always told me about these incidents shortly after they occur. At one point in time he suggested that I go out and find other people to be with. I'm not normally the type that cheats, so initially I ignored his request. I did not leave him because I love him very much and believed that we could work this out. After a while I started to feel neglected and for the first time, started looking at other men. I finally did act on his suggestion, but, unlike his straightforwardness, I was ashamed to tell him what I had done. He didn't know about my promiscuity until two years after the fact, when, unfortunately, it came out in a fight. He told me, when we first got together, that he would much rather hear the truth than any book of lies that could ever be told, regardless of the consequence. I guess I didn't believe that he would deal with the truth well because I had heard others state that same line and didn't really mean it. He was so furious, not because I had cheated on him, but because I didn't have the respect to tell him what I had done immediately instead of two years after the fact. Because I didn't tell him, he says that I continuosly lied to him for two years and that's exactly how he looks at it. It has been more than two years since I told him and although sometimes it seems that he has forgiven me and trust me again, when he is upset, he lets me know that he still doesn't trust me and there is nothing that I can do to ever earn his trust again. I haven't cheated on him since the argument that we had and have no intention of ever doing it again. I work with a lot of men in my office and one of the instances occurred at work, when I used to work nights. I don't know how to let him see that I am not cheating on him anymore or how I'm supposed to earn his trust. As far as he seems to be concerned, I have secret lover's all over the city. I am his first and only love that he's ever had. Is there hope? Can I somehow show him that I'm faithful to him, no matter what? Please help me as I don't know what to do anymore. I have completely stopped having a social life because I don't want him to think that I'm seeing other men, but that doesn't even seem to help. I appreciate any advice that you may be able to offer. I love him so much and it hurts so much inside because I broke the thing that he holds the most dear--his trust.
Rick Posted November 6, 2001 Posted November 6, 2001 As a guy, I would be furious too. Now as far as the trust goes. I don't think he trusts you at all. And I believe it's gotten to the point where there is really nothing you can do to change his mind. If he hasn't forgiven and forgotten by now, then it will never go away. I mean, only you know your situation. But if you really want to keep on trying, then talk to him when he has doubts. Tell him how you feel and you wouldn't do anything to hurt him. But from what you said in your message, I don't think he will ever forget. But what I don't understand is that he suggested for you to meet other people. Why is he mad at something he suggested??? In a way, it is kind of his fault. But you went along with it so it's kind of both of your faults. If I told that to my g/f, that would be a hint telling her that I was losing interest. Good luck with this!
Ed Posted November 6, 2001 Posted November 6, 2001 It should be apparent to you, after two years of trying, that you can't MAKE him trust you, even if you locked yourself away and threw away the key. You can't MAKE him trust you anymore than you can MAKE him love you. He, and he alone, decides if he is going to trust you or anybody else. Trust, like love, is one of those things that people freely give to those they deem worthy because they choose to, not because they are made to. I think this guy is blowing smoke up your butt and playing with your head. He doesn't anymore know what a trustworthy person is than a man in the moon! If he cheated on you, TWICE, he is not somebody I would want to gain the trust of. He is doing his best to lay a huge guilt trip on you and you have fallen for it because you love him and want things to work out. You should have dumped him after the second cheating incident. Of course, it's still not too late. It sounds to me like there has been some serious emotional abuse going on here. He has you tremendously confused. I think he has taken advantage of you and used choice opportunities to eat away at your self-esteem until you have little left. My advice is for you to get as far way from him as you can, but from what you have written here, I don't think you have the strength or desire to leave him. My advice is for you to talk to an experienced counselor that can help you get through this. Although talking with people on the Internet may help some, I think you are going need help with this in person. I wish you the best.
BeenThere Posted November 7, 2001 Posted November 7, 2001 Marie, I can only suspect that your boyfriend is harboring his own feelings of inadequacy about his many indiscretions. Anyone who could do that to someone they claim to love has to feel bad about what's taken place, otherwise he would be a man without a conscience. Just because he was honest about his affair(s) doesn't excuse him from the behavior. The situation has nothing to do with *honesty* at all. He is more bothered about the *not knowing* because he's more concerned about his own fragile ego than the well being of your relationship. He doesn't want to look like a fool. I would be willing to bet, although I don't know him, that he's pretty self-centered. Am I right? Making you feel bad about what you have done is his selfish way of diverting the attention away from his own shortcomings. He's pointing a finger of guilt towards you to avoid being labeled the "bad guy" himself. Don't let him do it to you. Turn it back around on him and make him face is faults. It sounds like he has MANY. Unless this guy is willing to look inside himself, he'll never be fit for a healthy relationship with ANY woman. Hold your head up and find your backbone. You've been emotionally battered enough! You found the heart to forgive him time and time again. If he can't forgive you, then you need to start asking yourself what you're in this relationship for. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have had a lot of problems in our relationship, but I realize that relationships sometimes go through hard times. We have had a couple of infidelity issues in the past. He has always told me about these incidents shortly after they occur. At one point in time he suggested that I go out and find other people to be with. I'm not normally the type that cheats, so initially I ignored his request. I did not leave him because I love him very much and believed that we could work this out. After a while I started to feel neglected and for the first time, started looking at other men. I finally did act on his suggestion, but, unlike his straightforwardness, I was ashamed to tell him what I had done. He didn't know about my promiscuity until two years after the fact, when, unfortunately, it came out in a fight. He told me, when we first got together, that he would much rather hear the truth than any book of lies that could ever be told, regardless of the consequence. I guess I didn't believe that he would deal with the truth well because I had heard others state that same line and didn't really mean it. He was so furious, not because I had cheated on him, but because I didn't have the respect to tell him what I had done immediately instead of two years after the fact. Because I didn't tell him, he says that I continuosly lied to him for two years and that's exactly how he looks at it. It has been more than two years since I told him and although sometimes it seems that he has forgiven me and trust me again, when he is upset, he lets me know that he still doesn't trust me and there is nothing that I can do to ever earn his trust again. I haven't cheated on him since the argument that we had and have no intention of ever doing it again. I work with a lot of men in my office and one of the instances occurred at work, when I used to work nights. I don't know how to let him see that I am not cheating on him anymore or how I'm supposed to earn his trust. As far as he seems to be concerned, I have secret lover's all over the city. I am his first and only love that he's ever had. Is there hope? Can I somehow show him that I'm faithful to him, no matter what? Please help me as I don't know what to do anymore. I have completely stopped having a social life because I don't want him to think that I'm seeing other men, but that doesn't even seem to help. I appreciate any advice that you may be able to offer. I love him so much and it hurts so much inside because I broke the thing that he holds the most dear--his trust.
Lauren Posted November 7, 2001 Posted November 7, 2001 This is quite a confusing situation that you are in because you followed through on a suggestion and a tinge of your dissatisfaction. I can understand your b/f's anger at your inability to discuss it when it occurred. However, he is not totally innocent either if has cheated on you. I have always said that nothing or no one can impact and/or change a relationship except the people in the relationship. Your b/f did not twist your arm or force you to be with another man. You did not send him away looking for other women. There are things that come along - including affairs - that will affect your relationship. However, how you and your b/f react to those things is completely up to you. If your boyfriend was not faithful - you were not clear on the "fidelity" issues in your relationship - it is up to you and him how to react to it. If it was a moment of weakness; or he was in someway unsure of you - or whatever - it is up to the two of you to discuss it. I think the same is true of your incident - even if it was two years ago. There is no way to MAKE him trust you - you cannot MAKE anyone do anything. Trust is earned and results from deserving actions. It comes from sticking to your guns. It may seem unfair - but I think it needs to be constantly earned. Especially in your situation. Trust for me is very deep. It means talking the talk and walking the walk. If you truly want to work things out with your boyfriend and gain an equal and mutual trusting relationship - you need to talk - ALOT!!!!! He does need to forgive you and move on - especially since it was two years ago. My boyfriend had an interest in another girl for a time while he and I were first together - we were basically friends moving into more at the time. He constantly said that she was a friend - until she became more quite suddenly over one weekend!!! I was speechless! After months of denying anything was going on - suddenly over a weekend they were going to do long-distance relationship until she could move in with the kids. Heck, he was even making plans with rearranging his house for her and the kids as well as getting the kids enrolled in school. PLEASE! You don't do that over a weekend!!! Anyway, their relationship was certain disaster - she is very NEEDY. He is very strong and secure and self-reliant. It didn't last long before he was calling me to talk and relate to. He broke up with her less than a month after they decided to make a go of the relationship. Things were slow for us - but that is how I wanted it. I also think that is the way we needed it because all of the stuff that happened with her as well as our individual lives - trust me when I say that he and I went through alot in our first nine months together!! I, honestly, didn't have much of a problem trusting him again. That may seem strange - I think it is because I knew the truth! And I became more involved with his family and friends. We talked - we still talk - ALOT!!! About everything - even stupid stuff - or stuff that really doesn't make sense. It is a very comfortable feeling. We were very nervous together a few times and talked alot about what we were feeling and WHY we were nervous. I wasn't nervous about trusting him - I was nervous about trusting myself being open to someone again. He was nervous because he wanted things to "work" - but also realized there was no agenda; we had plenty of time. He also realized that he was "nervous" because it meant something to him - it actually mattered to him how he was with me and that I was important to him. That speaks volumes as far as I'm concerned. So, be honest about your feelings with your b/f. Very honest. Focus upon yourself when you are talking - not him. Start out by saying "I feel" or "I want" or "I need" or "I'm nervous because....", "I never want to hurt you", "I feel ashamed". You gotta get really deep - it will start flowing more comfortably once you start talking. You will be making yourself very vulnerable - so you have to be prepared for any type of reaction from him. My b/f and I went through this when we realized that our relationship was progressing and that we both wanted to take it to the next level without going too fast. Amazingly - we both (literally I was reaching for the phone when he called) were ready to talk more indepth about our relationship. I figure, if he and I can do it - ANYONE can! Good luck! My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have had a lot of problems in our relationship, but I realize that relationships sometimes go through hard times. We have had a couple of infidelity issues in the past. He has always told me about these incidents shortly after they occur. At one point in time he suggested that I go out and find other people to be with. I'm not normally the type that cheats, so initially I ignored his request. I did not leave him because I love him very much and believed that we could work this out. After a while I started to feel neglected and for the first time, started looking at other men. I finally did act on his suggestion, but, unlike his straightforwardness, I was ashamed to tell him what I had done. He didn't know about my promiscuity until two years after the fact, when, unfortunately, it came out in a fight. He told me, when we first got together, that he would much rather hear the truth than any book of lies that could ever be told, regardless of the consequence. I guess I didn't believe that he would deal with the truth well because I had heard others state that same line and didn't really mean it. He was so furious, not because I had cheated on him, but because I didn't have the respect to tell him what I had done immediately instead of two years after the fact. Because I didn't tell him, he says that I continuosly lied to him for two years and that's exactly how he looks at it. It has been more than two years since I told him and although sometimes it seems that he has forgiven me and trust me again, when he is upset, he lets me know that he still doesn't trust me and there is nothing that I can do to ever earn his trust again. I haven't cheated on him since the argument that we had and have no intention of ever doing it again. I work with a lot of men in my office and one of the instances occurred at work, when I used to work nights. I don't know how to let him see that I am not cheating on him anymore or how I'm supposed to earn his trust. As far as he seems to be concerned, I have secret lover's all over the city. I am his first and only love that he's ever had. Is there hope? Can I somehow show him that I'm faithful to him, no matter what? Please help me as I don't know what to do anymore. I have completely stopped having a social life because I don't want him to think that I'm seeing other men, but that doesn't even seem to help. I appreciate any advice that you may be able to offer. I love him so much and it hurts so much inside because I broke the thing that he holds the most dear--his trust.
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