How Can A Guy Just Disappear???????

[horsekiss]

someone please give me some insite-losing my sanity!

guys! -out there

can you please explain to me how a guy can just literally disappear for no explained reason after being in a long meaniful relationship-\out of the blue just never calling again!

 

how can you not care-how can you not miss the person

after being in a great relationship for 8 years

can a man be so afraid to commit to marriage-thats what i have been wanting -have such cold feet to disappear-

i have posted early -about my relationship of almost 9 years

we were so close-shared so much in common always had a great time and chemistry together

literally together one day -pfft gone the next

he left me in shambles and ruins

3 months now-not a word

this time i too havent made any efforts to contact him

i feel he did this becuase he wanted too

i am not going to be a doormat to beg for his love!

he should want to be with me-and wantto marry me without -me forcing him

guess he ran

he doesnt want marriage

hard to accept fact-love is damn blind

 

but HOW CAN A MAN DO THIS-WITHOUT ANY WORD OF EXPLAINING

HE ISNT A TEENAGER-HE IS 40!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PLEASE GIVE ME SOME INSITE

CANT SLEEP OR EAT OR THINK OF ANYTHING!!!!!!

[Guest]

The unfortunate truth is that people are extremely selfish these days. If/when he returns, be strong, be sure he learns a lesson if you have any inclination to forgive him.

[riobikini]

One word: *Commitment Phobia*.

 

Search these boards by using the search feature; just type in the word and it should bring up alot of info on the subject.

 

Hugs to you, -and well wishes.

 

-Rio

[horsekiss]

thankyou for responding quickly

i am covinced it is comittment-phobia!

i have read 2 books on this topic and it fits to a t

but i guess you read it and it fits but you cant accept it!

getting advice from someone who doesnt know me-hits it to reality!

 

i guess my warning signs have always been there

but as a woman i thought-i could change him

this happend to me about 8 times through our 8 years together

he wouuld disappear-for short periods of time-4-5 wks

and come back saying he missed me

and we would start right back at square one-like it would be a fresh start...

then he would pull it on me again

and i would take him back-cuz i loved him and missed him

as mentioned i am in my early 30's and he is 40!

40 never been married

and looks like he wont be!

do you think

a commitment-phobic can change

or do these men stay single forever???

thanks again!

[lovernotafighter]

this is absolutly horrible what he has done to you! leaving you no clouser what so ever is just cowardice on his part.

 

he couldn't face commitment and he couldn't face telling you the truth.

so he ran like a little child..what a wimp..no offence...but what a p*ssy!

 

I knew a man who was in a great relationship for five years and up and

left his GF one day while she was at work (they were living together) when she finally tracked him down and asked him why..he couldn't even tell her the truth! he was a assh0le and told her "it was because her cat didn't match HIS furniture"

 

why because he was a coward to tell her the truth and wanted to hurt her..he told me he felt hurt for years and felt venomous toward her and she deserved it.

 

but she didn't...men sometimes has very twisted logic,I'm sorry but it sounds like deep down your man is one of those men.

[horsekiss]

he always was this way

afraid of confrontation

your so right!

ran like a child!

p***y! is right! your so right

but the fact that he could just turn me off like a switch

is what is killing me right now

if we didnt talk twice daily -he would say the next day i miss you! where were you

now 3 months -nothing not a word!

its like he is a different person

a person i dont know!

he is such a p****y cant say yes cant say no!

he CANT EVEN COMMITT TO WHY HE IS LEAVING!!!!!!!!

CAN ONE BE THAT AFRAID OF MARRIAGE?????

but your right

the male psyche is something strange-guess he views me as a TRAP!

AND I WANT TO CAGE HIM

MEN SUCK

[GW7147]

Hi Horsekiss,

I wish I could give you some insight to your situation. I too am a 40 year old guy however, I couldn't imagine treating somebody like your ex has treated you. I was recently dumped by my ex. It's been about 7 weeks now and I've maintained strict NC. I could never understnad how somebody could care about another and then just treat them like they never had anything together. I understand there are those who get scared or their "feelings change" but I believe if something happens in a relationship there should be a display of respect and an explanation should be offered as to how a person is feeling and why they are feeling the way they are. I know, sounds as if I'm trying to live in a perfect world. I don't but, I think it's crappy to be with somebody, claim you love them and then when they leave, they don't even have the decency to show a little compassion. I've been confused about my break-up (although, things are getting better and I'm bouncing back). I ran into a friend yesterday. I hadn't seen him in a while. He asked how things were going with me my gf. I told him we broke up. He knew my ex before we started dating. He was confident that eventhough she had very strong feelings for me,she got scared and had to walk away. He said, it doesn't do anything for the relationship but she wouldn't have to deal with the confusion of how she was feeling and at least she would know exactly where she stood by walking away. Doesn't make sense to me (I couldn't do that) but, it seems to make sense with what happened to us and it fills in some of the blanks for me.

So maybe, your ex is afraid of commitment, is confused or just can't deal with the relationship. I wish I could tell you what he's thinking but, I can't relate to that line of thinking. I always took relationships as something that shouldn't be taken for granted. Maybe your ex will pull his head out his ass one day and realize what he's done!!

I wish you all the best.

GW

[horsekiss]

your response GW

gives me hope!that there are super nice guys out there

 

thankyou!

he was the love of my life

and i stuck by him through so many things-the most gruelling being

an mba program-that took up so much of his time-and i understood

always encouraging him and standing by him when he was frustrated or down.

its been 3 months of no contact

i am dying inside!

but fighting with every vein of strength i have not to contact him

when he pulled these disappearing acts in the past

i was the first one contacting him and trying to get things back together-

this time

i feel i have had enough

why should i beg for his love

he is doing this and i cant change him-i cant make him love me...

 

dont know if you can answer this but

why would he be with me for so long-if he didnt think anything-long term-

we looked at homes the last few months and were planning to buy

was this all a front? for what????

thanks again

your words give me some strength

[Diver012]

It always hurts when the person who has been telling you they love you, suddently and without warning or explanation, "Turns it off" From my perspective, its like a light switch. The truth of the matter is that they had been feeling this way for a while, and finially reached a point where they couldnt handle it anymore. I truely believe that this is a commitment phobic response. It just happened to you, its happened to me recently and a lot of others on this board. I think its one of the most painful experiences someone can go through.

 

I would tuck your heart away as I am doing to mine. Its to precious to allow it to get hurt again, atleast not by this person. They are not worth your time any longer. Its only been a month for me and I cant stand the sight of my Ex. Not after what happened. Makes No Contact a lot easier.

 

You will still cry, I do. I just finished as a matter of fact. You will feel the pain for a while. Remember the lessons learned and apply them to your next relationship.

 

Ill pray for you tonight...

[Outcast]

this happend to me about 8 times through our 8 years together

he wouuld disappear-for short periods of time-4-5 wks

and come back saying he missed me

 

This was your Big Red Flag that this guy was not a good deal. You should have kicked him to the curb the first time he 'disappeared' and never allowed him back.

 

Do NOT allow a man to use you ever!!!!!! This was inexcusable and unacceptable behaviour. He could be one of those people with another wife and family someplace, a binge drinker, even a drug runner.

 

Do a happy dance that he's gone and spend not one second more being sad about it. It's a good thing he's out of your life. No go find a good man and never allow yourself to be treated that way again!

[horsekiss]

its worse than death

i know it sounds awful to say that but its true

there is no closure!

my friends keep saying write him a long letter! i refuse!

why would i

its like i was dumped

he doesnt care one bit and i am going to write him a letter?? no way!

i guess after 3 months

i still hope he trys to come back

i know i cant take him back! i am setting up myself for repeats-

my heart has been wounded so much it cant take anymore

but i guess in my own little convoluted way

I AM STILL WAITING...FOR HIM

ugggggg

[GW7147]

Horsekiss,

The two of you have spent a significant amount of time together. Eight years!! Although, my relationship was only 6 months, it was still long enough for me to fall for her and our conversations often involved discussions of spending the rest of our lives together etc... We hit it off right from the start and things were fantastic. We went on a trip to Cancun and 4 days later, she pulled the rug out from under me. While on our trip, we were sitting on the balcony of our room. I got up to go inside to get a drink and my ex grabbed me by the arm and said "Hey". I looked down at her and she said, "I REALLY love you!" It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I spoke to her friend just after we broke up and her friend could not understand what was going on. She told me my ex walked up to her about 2 weeks before we broke up and thanked her for introducing us!!

Of course, I don't know your ex and I would gather he is a commitment phobe but are there other factors that could possibly come into play?? Has he had any major things happen in his life lately, (ie: job, family etc...). I'm not looking for excuses for him. Just trying to give you something to think about....

I will tell you this, I've sat around for the past several weeks trying to make heads or tails of my situation, which I'm begining to realize is a waste of time. I'm not going to find the answers I seek. I decided to concentrate on me. Working out, riding bicycle 20 miles a day, golfing etc... I'm feeling better about myself and started to realize, my ex is the one losing out. I know I treated her very well and she always told me that. I never wanted to be thanked for how I treated her. I did it because I loved her and enjoyed being there for her and being supportive (she's a single mom). I've adopted the feeling that maybe she did get scared and left. Her ex husband treated her like trash. She told me when we broke up that she had never been treated so well by anybody like the way she was treated by me. I said to myself "Then why is she leaving?"

Do yourself a favor (You'll hear it time and again and it's probably not the answer you're looking for). Take care of yourself. Try and do anything possible to make yourself feel better and get through this difficult time. I never thought I would begin to feel better about my situation, but I'm begining to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm feling better about myself. You can do the same. To be honest with you, I have a really hard time believing after 8 years together, your bf walked away and doesn't think about what happened. There's no way that's possible. I would bet money, he thinks about you and what has happened between the 2 of you. He'll end up kicking himself in the ass!! Give it time. Time to heal yourself and feel better. Leave him be and let it sink in what he's lost (his loss by the way). He didn't spend 8 years with you out of boredom and he's not a 21 year old kid (although some 40 year old guys act like it sometimes!!). As tough as it is, practice NC in order to get yourself through. I assure you'll, you'll start to feel better after a bit of time passes (Time will be your biggest ally at this point). I'll be honest, it won't be easy to maintain NC but, it's probably the best think you can do. I've had many sleepless nights, lost 25 pounds and felt pretty miserable. I never thought I'd feel better but, it's happening. I begining to walk with my head up again and feel confident that I can make somebody happy. Doesn't seem like it will be my ex but, if she doesn't want to be with me, I'll meet somebody that does!! Hold your head up and be strong. You're a great person and don't let anybody make you think otherwise. Remember, HIS LOSS!!

I'll keep an eye on your posts.

Regards, GW

[Diver012]

its worse than death

i know it sounds awful to say that but its true

there is no closure!

my friends keep saying write him a long letter! i refuse!

why would i

its like i was dumped

he doesnt care one bit and i am going to write him a letter?? no way!

i guess after 3 months

i still hope he trys to come back

i know i cant take him back! i am setting up myself for repeats-

my heart has been wounded so much it cant take anymore

but i guess in my own little convoluted way

I AM STILL WAITING...FOR HIM

ugggggg

 

The letter isnt so much for him, as it would be for you. I have written my Ex 4 letters. I havent sent any of them yet, doubt I will even bother to be honest. If she even does read them, I doubt it would mean a single thing to her.

 

Sometimes putting your thoughts on paper is theraputic. Start writing a journal.. it helps.

[Guest]

your response GW

gives me hope!that there are super nice guys out there

 

There are! We just keep getting stuck with the wrong people as well.

[riobikini]

Dear HK,

 

Please *do* look up info in this site (suggested earlier) on 'commitment phobia'.

 

It should be first on your list of 'Things To Do', and will give you plenty of insight into real-life cases of actual people who have gone through the CP thing.

 

I am one of those people, by the way.

 

Cp's are complicated, on one hand, -but the answer to solving the problem usually winds up being one we don't like to hear: get out of the relationship, for your own sake!

 

You have already been left in the lurch, -as Outcast urges you, *do a happy dance* that he's left you.

 

You are so much better off.

 

Really.

 

-Rio

[Gunny376]

Hate to be the one to break the news to you ~ but there is actually a school of thought among men ~ that goes something like this:

 

1. Why buy the cow ~ when you can get the milk for free.

2. Find em', use them, forget them (this is the more sanitary version)

3. Its last forever how long it last ~ or until I'm ready to move on to the next one.

 

A lot of men reason that the only reason for getting married is to have and raise children ~ and if you're the kind of man that has already had and raised children ~ or don't want to have and raise children ~ then why get married.

 

Another significant part of this is his completeling his MBA. He's thinking ~ I've completed my MBA ~ and I'll either move up and on where I'm at ~ or will seek out other job opportunities. Possibly in another region or area. With that will come a higher income ~ better lifestyle. In short ~ the money and NOW the freedom to move on.

 

In the Marines ~ we had what we termed "duty-station p***y" What that means is you date and mate with a local girl at the duty station that you're currently assigned to (three to four years) and then you dump her once you've got orders to your next duty station ~ where you start all over again. This is how my divorce came about ~ my XW was DSP, to a guy that was 14 years younger than she was. As soon as he got back Stateside ~ he dumped her because he had to marry his HS sweetheart, because he had gotten her pregnant ~ and he HAD to do right by the child.

 

Some people are just that shallow ~ just that abusive.

 

In closing I will quote Dr. Phil ~ "The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior!" If you ever take this guy back ~ well...................

[riobikini]

Gunny, read your post with interest....and you hit the heart of this whole thing right on the nailhead.

 

Great advice, included.

 

-Rio