I am scared to death...to be divorced at 28.

[njgirl96]

I just joined and have been reading posts on this board for several weeks. I found one post I can relate to almost 100%, by aaaBBBccc on May 26th.

My life mirrors yours aaaBBBccc, except for the fact that I HAVE had the affair, and I have chosen to continue it. It was not with a co-worker, but with someone who works for the same company, but lives 1000 miles away from me.

I have analyzed myself to the point where I feel ill. I know why I have chosen to have an affair, I am not in love with my husband. I chose long before meeting my OM that I wanted to end my marriage, but I am scared. For all the same reasons in the May 26th post.

I recently spent the past 4 days straight with my OM. He told me he loves me, but I dont believe him...I feel more lust than anything. But, what we do have is passion, electricity...things I have never felt in my life, and never ever felt for my husband. I keep thinking if I leave my husband, I can find someone again that makes me feel like my OM. But what if I can't?

I want to hear from anyone, who has decided to leave. Just to see the different views. I obviously do not want to divorce my husband for a man who lives 1000 miles away and is also married. I just feel trapped. I dont want to turn around when I am 70 years old, and have regrets that I spent my life with no passion, no feeling. My best friend has suggested counseling, talking. I am to the point where I DONT want it to work. If he left me for another woman tomorrow, I would almost feel relieved.

So please, anyone out there....how did you do it? Did you? Any regrets?

Thanks, I have no one to talk to right now...

[jonesgirly]

You feel trapped because you think there are only two options: stay married or get divorced for a man who lives far away (and is married). There is more than just two choices.

 

You could remain married, get some sort of marriage counseling and work things out. Or you could be honest with your husband and divorce him for the simple reason you don't want to be married to him.

 

Allow him the freedom to spend his 'best years' with a woman who truly loves him and will be faithful to him. Allow yourself the same thing (only with a guy, I'm assuming).

 

You feel lots of things for the far-away, married guy, some of which are simply because of the situation. A marriage isn't always filled with fireworks and rockets - those things never last. Its the quiet knowledge that you love this person, they love you back, and you trust them with your safety, that keeps you satisfied. The knowing a person so well that you can be your own dips*** self with them, is comfortable. To feel that your husband loves you naked, even when you don't, is enchanting.

 

You will never find that with a married guy, especially one who lives far away.

 

Trust issues? Of course, you can't believe his proclaimation of 'love' - he's married already and is obviously lying to his wife? Do you have trust issues in general, or are you trying to determine if this guy loves you 'enough' for you to leave you husband?

 

Never, ever, get divorced "for somebody else." If you do not want to be married, get divorced. Allow your husband to experience a life with someone who wants to be with him too!

[Chump64]

I am sorry for your dilemma. The only advice I have is to find a good counselor, soon. G' luck.

[Tony T]

Passion and electricity are essential ingredients in a relationship. If you didn't have that before you got married, you should have just moved on and not tied the knot. It's called "settling" I suppose. The fireworks fizzle a bit after a while but they create memories that are supposed to jumpstart a marriage into a longterm friendship with the sizzle absent in other relationships.

 

You can't marry every person you feel fireworks for. It doesn't work that way. But you can't marry any person you don't feel passion for.

 

Move on from your marriage and only be scared if you decide to remain in a situation you aren't comfortable in. You're very young and you have a lot of time to find the right person. It probably isn't the guy you're seeing now. He's just somebody who came along at the right time...when you were vulnerable...when you really needed to feel something special.

 

Marriage isn't easy. Finding somebody isn't easy. Well, I guess I may as well just lump it all together and say LOVE is just not easy. You have to step back, get a grip, and set out to find that exact right combination that will take you to the finish line. Don't feel bad, not many folks succeed at it. You're not alone.

[Sup]

Tell your husband about the affair, and that YOU don't want the marriage to continue, I hope there are NO kids involved in this. I hope you are also not EVEN thinking of getting money from your huband for all of this, OR making him pay most of his earnings in child support (if there are kids). Because, by doing that, YOU would be making your husband PAY for your mistakes, which is SICK!

[whichwayisup]

If you're not inlove with your husband, then end it. DO NOT STAY married just because you're scared to be on your own. That's just selfish and honestly, if you're confused and not sure what you're feeling - BE HONEST and tell him. Let him know you've met someone else, and that's confused you. No point in lying to him now. Chances are he probably knows that you're not 'into' him and if he has any intuition, then his gut is telling him something is wrong. So, be the big person here, he'll respect you (as much as it may hurt him, atleast he'll respect you for coming clean instead of hiding and lying stuff from him) and have that talk. The sooner the better.

[carolineislands]

OM that I wanted to end my marriage, but I am scared.

 

 

Your actions are extremely selfish and immature. Your husband deserves the basic respect we all owe each other for the simple fact that he is a human being. Let alone the fact that he married you and committed to spend the rest of his life loving you. And you are dealing him the most devastating pain that love and marriage has to offer, simply because you don't feel the zing with him any more. If you don't feel the zing it might be because you don't know how, or haven't learned how to keep the spice in your marriage. And if a zing is all you're looking for, let the poor man go and find someone who is serious about marriage and then you can go do whatever blows your skirt up.

 

Play on, player. Just don't do it with someone who takes love and commitment seriously and has placed his heart in your hands. At least have the decency to let the man know it's a game and give him the option to throw down or get out of the mess and move on.

 

Then when you are at a point that you can respect yourself and others, maybe you'll be ready for a commitment like marriage. But its not a game and nobody has the right to rip someone's heart out without their concent. And, realize it or not -- that's what you're doing.

[pink_butter2003]

i'm turning 31 this year. i got divorced when i was 29 and like you, i was scared, too, at first. ALSO like you, i had an affair before i filed for divorce. i made that mistake at a weak moment in our marriage where there was just no spark whatsoever, no passion (then again, there never really was) and i realized i was not in love with my husband at that time, plus we were just so, so different. thank God there were no kids involved. ALSO like you, i have chosen to continue my affair, only now it is NOT an affair anymore- he asked me to marry him a week before christmas last year and we are now engaged and planning a 2007 cruise wedding, and we have been living together for a year and nine months now and we get along great and both my family and his are happy for us and can't wait for us to get married! we hardly ever fight and the only issue i have with him is that he is a smoker (i used to be, but quit) and says he wants to quit, but i don't think he tries hard enough. the BIG difference between your case and mine is that the guy you are having an affair with is married (mine was/is single and never been married) and did i hear you say that right now it seems to be mostly lust? in my opinion, these two things are warning signs that you are going the wrong way. i think you need to take a break from all this for a while and ask yourself what you really want in life.

 

if you feel like the love is gone for your husband, and that there is really nothing that he can do to change your mind (and by God, i hope you guys have no kids coz it is always more complicated if you do), i suggest that you make preparations to get out of your marriage- see a lawyer, start packing your stuff, decide on where you are going to stay- because if you feel this way about your husband, you are just wasting your time and you are being unfair to him, continually seeing this other guy on the side while continuing to stay married to another man. in my case, my ex-husband found out about my affair and the night that he confronted me about it, i admitted to it, apologized to him but also told him that i wanted a divorce, that i wanted out. a few days later, i filed for divorce and moved out for good- moved in with the guy i was having an affair with- not because of lust, but because we were both in love with each other, STILL ARE VERY MUCH- and i have not looked back. in our case, there were no kids involved and because i was the one who cheated in my former marriage, i left with only my belongings because i did not feel that i had the right to ask for any kind of support or split his property, because i wronged him. so basically, all i took with me when i left him were my clothes, my shoes, books, papers, and i even gave him back the car he bought for me and bought a second-hand car with money i had saved up from my job. at the divorce hearing, he was surprised when i showed up with no lawyer; i did not ask for any financial support/alimony, nor did i squabble over the two houses we both owned together, or the 3 vehicles or CDs in the bank with my name on them, too. i realized that i had deeply hurt him and broke his heart by having that affair, so i basically left him with all his finances intact. i guess this is what has helped him move on and adjust easier to the divorce, than if i had fought for what many people say i should have- half of everything.

 

do i have any regrets? yes, i have some. i will not lie. i will always, ALWAYS regret having that affair behind his back no matter if i did not love my ex anymore, or that he was verbally and emotionally and mentally abusive to me several times. still, he trusted me and i broke that trust. in the end, one big reason i left even if he said he forgave me and wanted to try again, was that i knew he would never, ever trust me as much as he originally did. TRUST is a big thing that a lot of us overlook. once it is broken, no matter how hard a person tries, that trust can never be restored to its original perfect state. there will always be that sense of doubt itching at the corner of his/her mind. another thing i regret is the financial stability i once had in my now-defunct marriage. it's not that i am dirt poor now, but it is a struggle living from payday to payday, even if my fiance and i help each other. my ex was quite wealthy; mine is almost like a riches-to-rags kind of story ... but then again, money can't buy happiness.

 

like i said- if the love is gone for your husband, there is NO POINT in wasting your time or his. get out of there, be brave, be true to yourself, and move on. things may be rough for a while, but everyone deserves to find the person who will make them smile on the gloomiest day, who will make their heart beat like it never did before. another suggestion- try taking the "rocking chair test." if you've never heard of it, here's what you do- imagine yourself old and gray, say like 80-some years old, sitting on a rocking chair on the porch of your house, slowly rocking away and reflecting on your life. if you stay in your present situation (married but unhappy and having an affair with a married man), can you imagine yourself happily rocking away on that rocking chair in your old age, completely satisfied and proud of the choices you made in your life? OR if you stay in your present situation, do you think that you would feel sad and very depressed and full of regrets as you sit there and rock away, with your life almost over? if you think that at that age, around 70 or 80 plus, you will feel happy and fulfilled if you stay in your current situation, then you should probably just work on your marriage and put a stop to your affair. but IF you see yourself as a regretful old woman rocking away in that chair decades from now, bitter that life has passed you by and you are too old to find the happiness that has evaded you in younger years, then it is time to make major changes in your life and pursue your happiness before you grow too old. we only have one life to live and every moment that goes by is gone, never to return.

 

my main advice to you is- stop seeing this other married man (unless he gets divorced and you guys feel you are honestly falling in love, not just lust). lust is a temporary thing; after it passes, all you have left is that same empty feeling, and you will still be at the bottom of the ladder. this is another waste of time on your part. how long before you realize that you are just an affair to him, that he really does not love you? or how long before he realizes that he is really nothing to you but an affair and wises up and gets back with his wife? how many years are you gonna waste on this one? get divorced if you feel that that is the right thing to do, apologize to your husband if he knows about this affair (if he doesn't know, i don't see why you should tell him and crush his spirit, if you plan to leave him anyway; just get divorced and move out) then start fresh and date someone single whom you can fall in love with, and you never know- you could possibly find your soulmate just as i have found mine ... goodluck, my friend!

 

joy

[norajane]

Some people haven't even gotten married by 28, so it's hardly a big deal if you're single again at that age.

 

That's the least of your worries, and you seem to have made it the biggest thing. As near as I can tell, you wanted to leave your husband before the MM, but you stayed because you won't consider leaving him until you have another man to go to...you would leave your husband FOR the MM if the MM were single, but he's not, so you have this dilemma.

 

Sounds like you are afraid of being on your own, and are selfishly holding on to your husband until someone comes along that you can leave him for. A better bet is to get that divorce, learn how to support yourself and live on your own, become an independent adult who is happy with herself and her accomplishments...THEN you will be ready for another relationship.

[michelangelo]

It is the thrill of first lust.

 

It dies down some in all relationships. experts say it lasts only a few years typically.

 

For you to transition to a longer lasting love you have to do some evaulating of what it is you seek.

 

You will be disappointed about every three years from now on until you figure this one out. In addition you will have broken many hearts along the way--first of all your current husband's.

 

Remember him?

[ridingthebulls]

The point norajane is she feels it's fairly young to be divorced already. I think she's making a big deal over it. In 2003, median age for first marriage in the us was 26.7 for men. Us census says for men it's 27.1 and women it's 25.8. Whatever the case, it used to be even much younger and you are not the first to be divorced in your 20s.

[Jessie61]

Some people haven't even gotten married by 28, so it's hardly a big deal if you're single again at that age.

 

I agree. So what if you are single at 28? If it makes you feel any better, you might note that a friend of mine was divorced at 23 years of age after 3 years of marriage. Now at 37 she is happily married for the last 8 years or so. So is her exH.

 

The important thing is to be honest to yourself AND your H. If you know that you want out, why would you tie HIM to a M, preventing HIM from finding someone who loves HIM, just because the timing does not suit YOU, ie you haven't met someone (available) to leave him for???

[Guest]

Your husband knows about the affair? Did you talk to him about it? If he does not know, tell him and wait to see your reaction and his about it. What about if your husband tell you that he is in love with someone else, What will be your reaction? I felt the same way about my husband due to our problems, but after i found out about his affair, I truely knew how much i love him, how much in pain i was and that i want to spen the rest of my life with him. He affair was a wake up call to our marriage.

[joeyr812]

everyone else sort of said this already, but if you're scared to be divorsed at 28, you probably shouldn't be banging some other guy on the side. If you don't love your husband, fine...but.....you took a vow. either work it out w/ him first or let him go and move on.

[CinnamonLee]

I got divorced when I was 27. To oversimplify it, the reason I left was that we grew into different directions/persons. He took care of me like when I was still 19 while I grew up and became an independent woman. I gradually fell out of love of him. Before I left him, among many thoughts, one struck the most was that "I'd like to have kids someday but not with him". That said something. So, I decided to leave him.

 

I don't regret leaving him because it's better for both of us (I do regret getting married at the first place, though). Not to mention myself, after all, it's fair for him to be with someone really loves him. If you still love your husband, it's worth to stay and work on it and that's what I encourage people to do. But if you don't love him anymore, that's really no point to stay. However, you will need to be more careful on your future relationship. Be responsible to yourself and your future partner. In terms of your current affair, I agree with Joy.

 

Being single again is not so bad. You'll get used to it. It's time to make some new friends and learn something new. You'll feel better if you find a new place to settle down. Good luck!!

[JCRadio]

Well, let me hit you from the proverbial "both sides of the fence". I have been in situations where I could have cheated and no one would have known but me, the woman, and of course the big man in the sky. I have also been the victim of infidelity. Too often, I hear...I am not in love anymore. I don't feel the same way. This is more passionate, I've never felt this before...all part of the same crockpot set at 450 degrees and full of s***. The fact is women and men cheat for different reasons. Men generally do it simply for sex and often with no attachment. Women generally do it for the "naughty" feeling (but some do it just for the sex). You said it...it is lust. Some confuse lust for love. Lust and love contain passion. Lust and love contain sex, electricity, energy, and whatever else you experience with lust. Love has the upper hand though, with honor, trust, commitment, dedication, and responsibility. The reason "passion" is not felt in a relationship is not solely one persons responsibility. It is both parties "job". It is work. If it is easy then it isn't love. After you have settled into that "routine"...you know the one where everything seems boring, or the same. Do not confuse that for lack of passion. It may just be a rut that can be worked through. Later in a realtionship when the jets have cooled, I have found more than anything that love is not as much of a feeling, it is more of a choice. I choose to love the people that I love. I choose to help the people I help, and I choose to talk to, or be angry at, or whatever with whomever. When you realize that you choose everything for yourself, you truly understand the power of responsibility and the damage you can cause when you try to "feel something you have never felt". If your that curious, slam your hand in a car door, that's a unique feeling, too. In the end, by cheating you are only cheating yourself, and causing pain for others. This I have experienced, and no one deserves that feeling. Quite frankly I would have rather had my hand slammed in the car door.