littleroom Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Recently something occured to me and I was struck by it. My mom also had an emotional affair with someone when I was a teenager in high school. She told me about it (my mom and I are very close) and she was ashamed. She only kissed this individual. My parents have always had a rocky relationship and at the time I remember telling her that I didn't blame her (because my dad was kind of an ass). Things now are completely different because they are older and my father has completely changed. He used to be a intimidating man who was quick to anger. Now he is like a big softy! Anyway... I realized, OMG! I am doing the same thing my mom did. But in MY case I am not unhappy in my marriage and I have a great husband. It actually blew me away when I realized it. On a separate note, I just wanted to tell everyone on here THANK YOU for allowing me to speak out and vent my issues. I have no one in my life that I can talk about this with. Thank you for listening! --- littleroom
JackJack Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I don't know for sure if its something that can run in a family or not, I guess its possible. However, reguardless of wheather it does or not, people have a choice as to what to do. Have an affair or not. I have a buddy in a similar situation whose father was a big time cheater. He once told me it would be really easy to follow in his dads foot steps but he didn't want that kind of life for himself or family. He has been married to the same woman for alomst 25 years now with 2 teenage boys and so far it seems he has stuck to what he has said. "In MY case I'm not in an unhappy marriage and I have a great husband." I would think if this were the case you might not be feeling the way you do. Perhaps you see other quailties in this other person your husband doesn't have and you wish he did. I think thats human nature, to see that in other peole, but to act on the feelings is a whole new ballgame. JMO.
Chump64 Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I think infidelity runs through humankind, period. There is so much of it that goes on. I'm not saying humans aren't built for monogamy. The science on that seems to be 50-50. But either way, there are choices involved. My dad cheated on my mom, and yet I've been the faithful one in my marriage. (shrug)
sylviaguardian Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I posted about this in the OW/OM board. I believe it does have a lot to do with parents because people subconsciously assume some of the same attitudes that parents had. My husband cheated on me with a co-worker. His reason: we got on so well I couldn't just walk away from it. His mother cheated on his father several times until she found her Mr Perfect and left his father in s***ty circumstances. His take: well, she wasn't happy, she found someone who made her happy. Very recently, I found out that my husband's brother also cheated on his wife, so I think, yes, it does run in families. The thing is though, that both my husband and his brother would say that their father was quite aloof and angry so they obviously sided with their mother. When that's the case, it's easy to justify her behaviour and do the same thing. It is/was very frustrating for me because at the end of the day, she slept with men behind her husband's back and then left him when he had no clue that she was even unhappy. To me, that stinks. Why bother getting married in the first place if that's how you treat someone. But I know to them it's totally justified because 'she was unhappy'. Other people's feelings just don't figure with some people.
Chump64 Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 I think it has as much to do with the model our parents set as marriage partners than it does with whether or not they actually cheated. My husband's parents were very kid-focused. His dad was almost like an outsider vs. the mom / kids. That's the way I felt with regard to my own family. It was my husband and the (older) kids vs. me. Them and their sports activities every night, vs. me and the dirty work (keeping the home fires burning, minding the toddler, etc.). It also has to do with individual personalities and how we were treated as kids. My husband was an only son and was very smart growing up, a good athlete, etc. He was the "golden" child and heard a lot of praise. We got married and I settled into the usual wife role where he didn't hear me praising him day in and day out. That just doesn't happen in the typical husband-wife relationshiop. BUT. The OW did that for him, because she only saw him at his best. When he was at work, dressed in a shirt 'n tie, clean-shaven and looking all neat and handsome. They chatted on and off during the day, had sex 1-2 times a week at noon, etc. Never had to deal with any of the real-life bullsh*t that married couples deal with, like paying bills, taking car of puking kids, figuring out the logistics of taking Junior to piano lessons or getting the oil changed, etc. It's not just about what the parents did or didn't do in their own marriage. It has a lot to do with individual personalities and what influenced the development of those personalities, growing up. And this is in NO WAY an excuse or condoning of infidelity. I am talking about possible explanations of errant behavior, vs. excuses.
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