whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Nur, you two are different. Accept that. And I say this with good intention only, but I think you need to stop "expecting" certain reactions from him so you won't get disappointed. You seem to have the bar raised high and he isn't going to go to that level you want him to be at. Being different is a good thing - You two should be able to compliment eachother in personality. Bring the good out in eachother. I don't know if this relationship of yours is a forever thing, a long term thing or will end in 6 months - I just see the same problems again that were there afew months ago. He is who he is and you are who are you. Not enough effort made on his behalf that will make you happy, and you can't just let go and lighten up - Go with the flow. Noone should have to change WHO they are to make someone else happy. Sooner or later you two have to really talk about these issues otherwise it's the beginning of the end...Or learn how to compromise - Together.
Author Nur Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 I talked with him again, and he made kind of a wierd suggestion. See, we are different in this, too. If someone discusses a problem with me, simply TELLING me how it makes them feel and why will be enough for me to understand and stop the behavior. With him, he needs to be shown. For example, I used to tell him it's not good to say "that's gay" when he doesn't like how something is going. English is his second language, so he picks up on a lot of terms like that. I told him several times, but he kept on doing it. Then, one day, he did it in front of a team member who he didn't know was gay. The team member got his feelings hurt, and my boyfriend has never used the term again. I could TELL him till I was blue in the face, but the second he actually felt guilty about it, he stopped. He's more emotional, while I am logical. He said he hates seeing me unhappy, and that he knows his lack of time management is only going to hurt him when he starts college. In the past he's been frustrated and angry with himself for not working to his full potential. It's mostly about willpower. For example, I am able to make myself study or do homework every single time, never late, but can't help myself when passing a tray of brownies. He can control his diet and exercise amazingly, but is a hopeless procrastinator. Even though he KNOWS he should be studying, and I've told him he'll have a lot more free time if he just does his homework first, he always pokes around until late in the evening because he needs the pressure of "oh my gosh look how late it is!" to get started. Anyway, he told me that I should do the same thing to him that he does to me concerning changing my mind at the last minute. I was against the idea at first, since usually I go out of my way to make sure I DON'T act like that, since I know how much it hurts. But he said it's the only way to make him understand how I feel, and for him to be able to think twice before being so impulsive or whimsical. He says that if he gets mad at me, I should point out that it's exactly how I feel every time he does that, and only then can he really understand. Now, if he hadn't told me to do that, I really wouldn't naturally. I don't think that "getting back" at your boyfriend is going to bring the relatinship closer. But if he understands why I am doing what I am doing, then maybe it's worth a shot. Kind of a unique suggestion, but he knows himself better than anyone else. We talked about why he'd rather watch TV the other day by the way, since that was so unlike him. It turns out there was actually a soccer World Cup on that only comes on once every four years, and South America was playing. Of course, he didn't explain it in detail at the time, but made it sound really casual and careless, but once I understood that this was something important to him that he really wanted to see, I didn't mind at all.
alphamale Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I am far more of a schedule person. most women are NUR....I know these women who run a singles group in my area and they are always complaining that many men sign up for their events at the last minute or even show up without RSVPing. Women, they say, sign up 3 or 4 wks in advance.
Author Nur Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 Being different is a good thing - You two should be able to compliment eachother in personality. Bring the good out in eachother. Oftentimes, we do. Alone, I tend to be a study-a-holic with little social life. Of course, college itself changed that a lot in me, but my boyfriend helped too. He is super supportive when I get stressed, he helps me feel more often (I used to be strictly a thinking person), and he sort of softens my sharp edges. He makes me have fun. I help him too by showing him how to structure his world a little bit. It was me three years ago who inspired him to work harder in school and get into AP classes (he confessed this to me later). He's a lot like my little sister (maybe it's a younger sibling thing?) where he cares much more about the PEOPLE than the SCHOOL. But he respects my work ethic and how far I go, and I think that's helping him achieve his dream of becoming an engineer. The problems are the road bumps. The same differences that compliment each other sometimes clash. I hope we'll get to the point where we can meet each other halfway.
Touche Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 He should have asked you to come over and watch it with him. As far as doing to him what he's doing to you...I never suggested it to "get back at him." You chose to look at it that way. Sounds like you might be able to fix some things with him. Although, I DID think Johan had a point. You had a laundry list of complaints and that's usually not a good sign. Sometimes, it's best to just cut your losses early on. I myself wouldn't continue a relationship where I had that many complaints about the other person. Well, good luck!
Author Nur Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 He didn't ask me to watch it because he knows I think sports are kind of boring. And I think Johan's pretty much off the mark on this one. Having complaints with him as been no sudden thing. It's been that way a while. Have the complaints been lessening? Yes. Is he a much better boyfriend than he was back in the "completely unreliable, never calling" days? Definitely yes. I am not seeking to change who he is, just some of his unhealthy habits. Guys learn how to deal with girls through experience. What do you think this experience means? It means they learn about things, like being on time is good, or that girls like to talk to their boyfriends. Since he is so young and I am his first serious relationship, there are simply a lot of things he doesn't know or hasn't realized. Sometimes he doesn't understand that certain actions on his part hurt. If I didn't believe that, in time, he will learn to be a little bit more mature about his actions in this relationship then I wouldn't stay (truthfully, a year ago, I was every bit as thoughtless and self-centered -- not out of maliciousness, just out of immaturity). But I think his heart is in the right place. I've changed my way of communicating according to him (I talk in terms of how I feel rather than what I think) and he should learn how certain actions or words might make me feel as well. I don't think that just because we are not magically compatible in every single way the relationship is not worth fighting for. The good outwieghs the bad. All I am doing is showing him that his behavior (however unintentionally) is hurtful. He's already made dramatic improvements, as have I. These have made us both better people and given us relationship experience. I don't think that just because there is some conflict we should call it quits without attempting to solve what is bothering each other. I think most relationships have their conflicts. We have barely been dating a year; I don't think everything is supposed to be perfectly worked out this soon.
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