Nur Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 My boyfriend and I are a little different personalitywise. He likes to do everything on the spur-of-the-moment. While I think a little bit of spontenaity is fun, having it all the time is much too chaotic. I am far more of a schedule person. The result hasn't been too good. When it comes to seeing one another, I am always the one calling him, trying to make plans. We both decide what to DO when we're actually together, but I am always the one nagging about if we'll see each other, and when. It makes me feel like I am the only one between us who cares whether or not we see each other at all. Often, he won't give me a time, but will say something vague like "later..." so I feel obligated to sit around waiting for his call. One time I just went to a movie with a friend when he suggested going, and just as I was about to walk into the theatre, my boyfriend called. I told him I would call him back when the movie was over. It turned out that one that particular day he'd done a nice surprise for our annviersary, and had to sit there waiting while I was at the movie. The thing is, I was so used to his spontenaity that I didn't even think twice about possibly having plans that evening. I didn't know WHAT was going on, and was tired of being constantly available for his leisure. I've talked to him about this, of course. I told him that if I know what time we'll be together, I can make sure and be available. It requires a bit of organization on his part, yes, but it'd do him good anyway. He is horrible at time management. But for him, he just does whatever he feels like at the time, and comes over or calls when he's bored, or when its convenient to him. He says it doesn't matter because I have nothing to do anyway, but it never occured to him that sometimes I avoid making plans on the off-chance he'll call or show up. I don't want to hurt his feelings by making him think I'd rather hang out with my friends than spend time with him, since I do prefer being with him. Sometimes I feel like I am supposed to parrot his emotions as well. Just as he can't put himself out to schedule his time so I can schedule mine, he is the same in other areas. One time he was bugging me to make out with him. His sister was right down the hall, and it made me feel uncomfortable, but he was insistent and I didn't want to make him feel rejected, so I went along with it. Just as I was getting into it, he pointed out his sister was down the hall (like I hadn't been saying that the whole time) so we should read a bit till she went to sleep. I was excited by now, so I opened my book, but before I even finished a CHAPTER he announced he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. Annoyed, I got up to leave, and he made me give him a hug. He didn't even get UP to give me a hug, but kept laying there. So I had to get back in bed, give him a stupid hug, and THEN leave. HE wanted to make out. HE was tired. HE wanted a hug. I talked to him later, and told him I thought he was being pretty selfish. He seemed surprised by this accusation, and said he was just being honest. I told him he should take my feelings into consideration once in a while. Didn't change much, though I hoped talking about it would. Yesterday I mentioned going out on my family's boat. Excited, he asked if he could come, and I agreed and told him it'd be a lot of fun. Today he was going to come over before work, and called me. I asked him if he was coming, and he said no. I asked him what he would do instead, and he said he might watch the soccer game or read a book. Then he told me he doesn't know if he wants to go on the boat tomorrow, either. I was hurt from both announcements (that he would rather watch TV then spend some time with me, and that he was going back on his boat plans, too) and reminded him how much fun we'd have. Then he remembered my dad was going to teach him to park it, and agreed to go. Not to spend time with me. To learn how to park the boat. Even making out has stunk lately. Yesterday we made out twice. One led to sex. He did a bit of foreplay, but I had the feeling that he was rushing through, trying to make me wet, so he could stick it in. After he had his pleasure (he never lasts more than a minute, by the way) he went down again, but I could sense that he was halfhearted about it, so I didn't get an orgasm. Later we made out again (I was tired, but didn't want to reject him, again -- trying to be sensitive to his feelings) but I felt like he was using me. He went home before that, and only came over late at night to spend the night, and had to leave early. Rather than just going to sleep, he was horny, so it was like it was my obligation to satisfy his every whim. I couldn't get into it, so I just gave him a bj, and I guess he just forgot about my turn. Not much incentive to keep making out, especially since he wants to do it all the time, so I feel like he never lets me initiate (I never have a chance!). It's all about him and his moods. I know I might have painted him as sort of a jerk, but he's really not. I am serious when I say he's one of the nicest people I know. It's just that he doesn't like to be tied down by schedules, so when he changes plans according to his every mood and whim, it hurts my feelings. When he fails to make plans entirely and makes me call him time and time again, it makes me feel like he doesn't even care. And when I feel this way, I don't feel particularly sexual, but don't want him to feel rejected either. It seems like I am doing so much in this relationship. I would rather spend time with him than watch TV any time! Even if I'm tired, we could take a nap together. Or read together. And if I make plans I stick to them unless I am literally sick. I don't understand why he just doesn't give enough of a damn to return the consideration. I've told him how it all makes me feel, but he hasn't changed. I don't know what to do.
norajane Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 He doesn't see a problem, so he's not likely to change anything. That leaves you to figure out whether you can accept things the way they are. Write down the things that make you feel good in this relationship, and compare and contrast. That might help clarify your thoughts.
basscatcher Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 he sounds young. what he is doing is immature, inconsiderate and selfish. I have been with men whom I've been in your shoes with. Those relationships didn't last. I wasn't happy. I want more harmony and respect in the relationship. I wont cater to a man just because he wants it when I don't feel anythign but resentment towards him. I found that if I do what he wants without feeling a bit of wanting to participate then I build up anger towards him and myself for submitting. I am no mans servant.. If I want to serve it will be my choice to do it because I WANT to not because he expects me or orders me too. Planning is good. spontinaity is good too. There has to be a healthy balance of it to keep things in order. He just sounds immature and selfish to me. He seems to not be slowing down enough to pay attention to you he is taking advantage of you.
johan Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I don't think it's his behavior that is the problem. What I see is that you aren't that into him. If you were you'd overlook this stuff and find a way to deal with it. Instead you're making it clear here, and probably with him, that you are irritated and turned off. You're just finding stuff to complain about to make it about him. Maybe not on purpose. And I'm not saying you're being mean. But little things become really irritating when you're on the edge with someone. And that's where I think you are.
Author Nur Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 He is young -- six months younger than me in age, but remember guys tend to be more emotionally immature than girls as well. The biggest problems between us have stemmed from his immaturity. If he simply were being a selfish prig, though, I would break up with him. In fact, a few weeks ago, I mis-read his actions and almost did. (In my previous posts, I believe). But I know he's not doing any of that intentionally. When I have a problem, he is 100 % there for me. If I were in trouble, he would help me without a second thought. Trust me, I am not the type of girl to sit around being stepped on my some chauvanistic pig. Like I said, when I thought he was being purposely distant before, I was completely ready to end it. I know I can't MAKE him change, and I don't think he thinks he's doing anything wrong. From his perspective, if he's tired, then he should be honest, right? Right... but he doesn't think that I might be annoyed at being expected to passionately fall into his arms one minute and tiptoe out the next after giving him his precious goodnight hug. I don't think he understands. After I got mad at him for feeling used, he asked, "Why do you have to be like this?" Like my reasons for being annoyed were without validation. What he did today, about rather watching TV, was very unlike him, though. I do appreciate his honesty, but sometimes shouldn't he just suck it up and come over anyway? Just because he knows that he planned to, and that I was expecting him? It hurt extra bad because I made sure my hair looked nice, and wore a really cute skirt just so I could look nice for him. When I told him, he said, "Well, can't you wear it tomorrow?" I think he missed the point entirely. If he was doing this purposely, or being malicious, I would drop him in a heartbeat. But I think he's doing his best to be a good boyfriend. He even used to be an hour to an hour-and-a-half late, every single time in the beginning of our relationship, until I told him that I would break up with him if he didn't become more reliable. He has always called if he'd be late since. I don't know if this little flaw of his is enough to make me leave him. His redeeming qualities seem to outweigh my own annoyances. But his behaviour hurts nonetheless -- I just don't see how I can make him understand or change it. Perhaps after prolonged unhappiness I would eventually end it, I don't know. But it frustrates me that even after talking to him about this, he continues. His moods, his time, his boredom, his tiredess, his horniness, etc. Talking won't work... I wonder if there is something I could do to get the messege through? And Johan, I am on edge with him because of his immature behavior. I am not trying to be nit-picky. I was in a perfectly good mood with him until he announced today that he decided to watch TV rather than come over like he was going to -- and that brought the still-ripe memories of his recent behavior right back up.
Agent M Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Ugghh....he sounds just like the guy I'm dating. I can almost totally relate. He has the moods and the living in the moment thing going on. He hates plans and schedules. The only time he does plans is if it's something he totally would love to do. Sunday before last, we were supposed to go canoeing and he completely blew me off (and some other friends) with no explanation. You must be going through hell. Everything according to his whim and which way the wind blows, with mixed messages in between. The conclusions I've come to are many. He has admitted his selfishness (this is very true of him). He is immature. The excuses he uses ie. I just go with the flow....are only to try to justify his behavior. He has a chip on his shoulder, and this lifestyle is one way of protecting himself from many things. My guy won't even have sex with me.....he says the reasons are as "big as this room". He's got major issues. We've even discussed them. I tried to go with the flow as much as possible. He would come close, then pull away, then come close, etc. etc. After that Sunday he totally blew me off, I've finally come to the point where I'm not waiting and wondering anymore. Who needs it? HE'S not waiting and wondering! I just go ahead and make plans for myself. I focus on myself, and I'm seeing other guys. If he calls and I'm available, great. If not, not. Does this help?
Touche Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 You keep talking about his stupid little hugs. That's so telling to me. Why are his requests for a hug stupid? If he's mostly good and you love him, then accept him the way he is or leave the poor guy alone. You're NOT going to change him. So you either have to change your reactions to it or leave. Otherwise, you will drive yourself crazy. Why put yourself and him through that? Stop being so available to him. Maybe that will send him a message.
Author Nur Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 I've gotten similar advice from people I've talked to IRL. Go ahead and make plans, and don't be so available. The thing that gives me pause is that I feel like that will only create even more distance between us. Would being busy all the time help anything? And I felt like his request for a hug was stupid at the time because he'd just taken me on a complete rollercoaster ride of his whims. (I want to make out. No, wait. Let's stop. Okay. Let's read. Wait. Now I'm tired. Oh you're leaving? No, now I need a hug). And he wouldn't even get off his lazy ass and meet me halfway. I had to get back into bed, hug his supine form, and get up, then leave. Him, him, him. It annoyed me. Anyway, I guess the advice of not being available is worth a shot. It's sad, though. I have the most fun when I'm with him. If I liked hanging out with all of my guy-friends so much (I am an engineering student; nearly all of my friends are guys) then they would be my boyfriend, not him. During school we only see each other on weekends, and here we are, with summer streching before us... do I want to spend my time after school with him? Or with a bunch of friends who I usually see more often than I see him anyway? I was really excited to see him this summer. I guess he doesn't feel the same.
Agent M Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 He sounds confused, like the pieces of him are scattered all over the place. What I am finding by being less available is that I'm taking more stock in myself as a person, and that I am less easily swayed by the whims of others. I was afraid at first too....but the only difference is that I'm out enjoying myself instead of at home waiting for him to call, and that if I am not available, an opportunity does eventually arise for us to get together because he makes sure it does.
Touche Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 You ask if being busy all the time help anything. Yes, it WILL. For one thing, you'll be too busy to miss him hopefully. You'll be out having fun. And secondly, right now he's taking you for granted. You're TOO available to him. Make your plans. You must re-train him. You must teach him how to treat you. As it stands, you've been teaching him that you're available whenever he wants you. You need to change that. If you're always there for him, he might just start valuing you more and choosing YOU over TV. Try it. What do you have to lose? Bet it works.
Outcast Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 There are people who plan easily. Others live their lives on impulse. Some of the latter have ADHD or other impulse disorders; meaning they are bad at planning, time management, remembering lessons from before and applying them, and considering the consequences of their actions. The part of your brain that controls all this stuff doesn't finish developing until early adulthood and in some people it remains problematic. They don't do these things on purpose; they just are that way. You were all about this guy until you two had sex and you started having problems. So ask yourself is it that you were ignoring all these issues before because you were so into the physical part. You'll have to decide whether you can handle dealing with an 'absent-minded professor' type of guy. It's not that he doesn't love you. It's not that he's a jerk or inconsiderate or anything else - it's just that he's not able to plan and organize and foresee the future. So either you decide to put up with it and learn how to manage or you explain to him that you need much more structure to your life and that this is too big a difference to overcome and end the relationship. Hoping for him to change will only frustrate you both; he can't make himself a different brain.
BeFree Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Nur, my bf was almost exactly like this when we started dating 3.5 years ago. He is much better now but damn if that did not drive me nuts. You can go two routes with this: 1) you can just accept him for who he is and know that you two will slowly learn to compromise over time. You will become less structured and he will become a little less spur of the moment. 2) You can teach him to make plans ahead of time by making plans with your friends when he has not made plans with you. After a few times of you going to the movies and him calling wanting to see you after it's too late. He will either shape up or ship out. He may just figure your not that into him and walk away. I did a combination of both and what I learned is that I have made a good impact on my BF, his family even comments on how he is always on time now. Your bf actually sounds like a nice guy. Hang in there.
johan Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 You all go ahead and take your time writing up your carefully thought-out responses if you want. The fact is it's a waste of your time, because I was right in my first post: This is a lost cause. Here's what you need to see: the instant a horny 19 year-old girl (or however old she is) starts posting about your shortcomings, there's no saving it. She's about to lose about 150 pounds all at once. And he's going to wonder what happened to his comfortable little world and why has his cute little sweetheart suddenly turned into a cobra. This one isn't going to be fixed with patient communication and fine tuning.
BeFree Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 You all go ahead and take your time writing up your carefully thought-out responses if you want. The fact is it's a waste of your time, because I was right in my first post: This is a lost cause. Here's what you need to see: the instant a horny 19 year-old girl (or however old she is) starts posting about your shortcomings, there's no saving it. She's about to lose about 150 pounds all at once. And he's going to wonder what happened to his comfortable little world and why has his cute little sweetheart suddenly turned into a cobra. This one isn't going to be fixed with patient communication and fine tuning. Only 150 pounds, WOW he is skinny!
johan Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I don't know how much he weighs!! I was just guessing. You're missing my point!
BeFree Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I don't know how much he weighs!! I was just guessing. You're missing my point! No, I making fun. I get your point, but I don't really think that is the case. I think it's a fairly new relationship and she is feeling insecure. As women, we have this fear that we are going to be taken advantage of by a man. When a new guy is not perfect, our girlfriends and sisters are quick to point out how this guy may be no good. So we start to over think everything he does. We compare our relationship to our friends and then this vicous cycle starts.
Art_Critic Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Only 150 pounds, WOW he is skinny! Hey.. I'm about 150 lbs.. I don't think skinny sums me up
BeFree Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Hey.. I'm about 150 lbs.. I don't think skinny sums me up I never met a skinny clown before. HOT!
RarePearl Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I see two different problems listed in your post. 1. He doesn't like to be tied to schedules. So don't tie him! Make plans without him. Next time when he calls you at the last minute, tell him that you two didn't have any plans so you decided to do something else. Show him that you're not waiting for him. Not for the sake of playing games, but really, you shouldn't tie YOUR schedule around his. You should have your own life. The lack of schedule is also a result of him wanting some space. Perhaps you want to spend all your free time, every day with him, but he doesn't. The fact that he would rather read a book than be with you is hurtful for you, but is not an objective fault of his. It doesn't make him inconsiderate. If you wanted to read a book or watch TV and relax and he wanted to spend time with you, maybe you would rather be with him, but if you wouldn't then you'd find him clingy. He needs space - give him space. And give it to yourself too. Girls are not interesting when they are clingy. Once he sees you have your own life, interests, friends, and activities, he will start chasing you - instead of you chasing him. 2. The other problem is the sex. My ex-BF was very quick and didn't care about foreplay either. I hated it. At the end, I stopped desiring him at all. I don't think he can change his one-minute lasting so that's something you should accept as a non-changeable fact or break up with him. I am sure a part of it has to do with selfishness (my ex was selfish too), but that can't be changed either.
Art_Critic Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I never met a skinny clown before. HOT! Would you be interested in seeing Mr Wiggles ?
BeFree Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Would you be interested in seeing Mr Wiggles ? I don't know, is he skinny too?
Art_Critic Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I don't know, is he skinny too? hahahahaha.. I don't get to show him to many people.. they normally call the police
Touche Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 hahahahaha.. I don't get to show him to many people.. they normally call the police Yup, it's skinny! Such a crime.
BeFree Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 hahahahaha.. I don't get to show him to many people.. they normally call the police Well then stop showing him to junior high girls walking home from school while your sitting in your clown car. Dirty clown!
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