Why do people keep marrying?

[johnlucas]

I pondered the institution of marriage before in the following link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49619/

 

But I just have to ask again.

 

WHY do people keep marrying?

 

These stories I keep reading here. They never make any sense.

So much lying & cowardice. Nobody can be upfront with anybody anymore it seems. It's WEAK!

 

If they fall out of passion & don't think there's anything more to get out of the union, instead of breaking it off & looking for new mates they worry about what the family will think or just chicken out eventually finding themselves in subversive affairs.

 

"He's one of the good ones" I read in a recent thread.

Yet she won't treat him as the "good one" she claims he is.

At the very least be upfront & honest with the man about your feelings or lack of as the case may be.

Let him move on so he, this "good one" can find a "good one" for him.

 

Guys & their horrible track-covering. Having affairs behind your girl's back & not even being professional enough to deceive the RIGHT way. Hahahaha.

 

Is the tax-benefit THAT good really?

Or is it just the stable income that keeps people in these farces?

 

I'm borderline of the mind to say it's time to ABOLISH marriage listening to all these sorry stories.

It just doesn't freakin' work!

 

This jazz about it's for the kids is just wash on the hog. Mudwater off a swine.

 

Solve the kids' custody/parentage/support dilemma with birth contracts to determine parentage/visitation/financial support. Complete with DNA testing.

I think kids MAY grow up better if the home is "broken" from the start. If you grow up in a certain system, it won't be traumatic to face.

A kid who grows up visiting Pa certain days of the week/month/year & Ma certain days of the week/month/year won't have any adjustment period to go through. It'll be natural to him.

 

More & more I've come to the conclusion that the bond between parent & child is the REAL stable bond. The bond between lovers/'life'partners is very fickle & very weak obviously. Hell, the bond between friends is stronger than the one between lovers/partners!

 

People involved in these southward scenarios usually end up with a mushy mind. Unable to make clear concise distinct decisions. I hear so much confusion from the individuals in these stories told here.

 

Yeah, I know some marriages do work but I think this number is like the odds on Lotto. Yeah somebody's gonna win but how many tickets are you gonna lose before you hit that jackpot & is it worth the loss in money, time & effort?

 

I believe success in marriage is & probably always has been the rarity rather than the rule. I believe it without a doubt now. Without ANY doubt.

And just because two people don't cheat on each other doesn't mean their marriage is good. Some people don't have the gumption to cheat so they just live together in misery & mundaneness for the rest of their days.

 

So many people keep doing it to please others or to fool themselves into being something they're not. Or doing it out of duty or expectation.

No wonder these things keep failing.

 

Why do it, folks? I don't understand this.

Is it because of an industry based on marriage? What would the bridal industry do if marriage wasn't promoted in society for instance? Marriage counselors would have nothing to do unless they switched over to being family counselors or individual psychiatrists.

 

Honestly people, in my opinion, I think at MOST marriage should be looked at as just another option in a vast variety of lifestyle choices.

 

I think most people should just stick to being boyfriend/girlfriend & do away with this mass illusion called marriage.

Only a few people in the world can abide by this institution so I think most people should just put it out of their minds & just have an assortment of love affairs.

That's what everybody really wants anyway so why fight it or complicate it with all this unnecessary confrabulation?

 

And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't tell me that I'm being influenced by the stories here. Stories that are "not the norm" in how marriages go.

That's crap.

These are the ones who actually sit down & DETAIL the stories for us to read & know.

Most people just do this without any narration. This goes on behind so many closed doors it's honestly laughable.

And they keep making such a big deal about gay marriage...

Pheh. What are they trying to preserve anyhow? It's all moldy spoils now anyway so what's all the noise about?

 

Yeah, I know I sound negative on this post but I'm just tired of the lies & cowardly behavior exampled in many of the stories here.

People need to learn about themselves FIRST & decide what they really want out of life. The ones who misread themselves need to REREAD themselves & adjust accordingly releasing the bonded spouse from his/her bondage in marriage. Just let 'em go for God's sakes. Let them at least get some fun before their time limit is up.

 

Somebody has to clue this young single in.

Why...Do...People...Keep...Marrying? When it just doesn't seem to work anymore as an institution?

 

John Lucas

[amaysngrace]

People marry for different reasons but the one that is probably the most popular is that two people have like ideas, like goals, enjoy one another and cannot possibly see the future without the other one in it. People get married to start a family, share a life, make a committment, and have their best friend by their side while doing so, in hopes that their life will be easier and more enjoyable when it's shared with the one they love.

[jonesgirly]

I really didn't want to get married. I have a personal theory; as soon as you 'marry them', they feel compelled to 'look around.' It seems like if the option is always there to leave, they don't! It becomes a 'choice' to remain in the relationship, as opposed to a 'obligation'. Some people just don't do well when in that kind of a situation (unrealistic thinking as it may be!).

 

My husband, on the other hand, cited all kinds of legal 'rights' - what if I were in a car accident? He wouldn't even be allowed in the emergency room!

 

I already felt that we were the proverbial 'soulmates,' so why wreck it?

 

But because I knew we'd be together forever, I went along with it.

 

So, he set it all up (small, private ceremony at a chapel), and I grabbed a dress and went.

 

How romantic huh? He did all the work and everything!

 

A year later, he decided that he should pursue a 24 yr old girl from work, because she 'looked up to him.'

See what I mean?

[UnknowingOW]

People do marry for all the "right" reasons. The problem is people change. Their expectations change, their views change, their bodies change, their hearts change, their sexual preference can change.

 

I think what I find most amusing about your arguement was the following quote; "More & more I've come to the conclusion that the bond between parent & child is the REAL stable bond. The bond between lovers/'life'partners is very fickle & very weak obviously. Hell, the bond between friends is stronger than the one between lovers/partners!"

 

Why is it we can keep friends for life, but a lover and a partner we cannot? But friendship can change too. I've seen plenty of people who have had long-term friendships that disolve. I believe its when we grow as humans we find our needs and personalities change. And I beleive socieity today doesn't hold divorce or marriage in high regard as it once did.

[ridingthebulls]

RELIGION.. that's why! It has ALWAYS BEEN THE REASON.. RELIGION and to look good in society eyes. why do you think marriage started in the first place and need? "sex out of marriage is bad", "you should be ashamed of yourself for living in sin" "you should be a virgin when you marry".. ha.. marriage REALLY serves no other purpose than a tax benefit or in effort to "tie" somebody down. but we all knows what happens to a caged monkey once you let it free... it goes wild and exercises to hell to make up for the jailing. marriage is like psychologically jailing a man and then you wonder why they feel the urge to cheat. a piece of paper doesnt mean s***. if he loves you, he doesn't need a legal contract to stay with you.

[catgirl1927]

Reading this site is NOT a good place to get information about relationships. It seems everyone on here is all about cheating, spying, lying, being suspicious. The fact is, most of us were drawn here because we have problems. It's healthy, I think, to come here and vent, and some of this can be pretty entertaining, people's ignorance is amazing. Sometimes people come here for support, and while there are a few judgemental, mean spirited people who make themselves feel good by calling each other names, most people are pretty supportive. That's why I'm here, there are a few people who can be really nice, esp when you're having an attack of low self esteem. But I don't recommend basing your impressions on real life on what you read here, and I would seriously think long and hard before taking any advice you got from here. The distance and anonymity of the internet make it easy for people to give REALLY bad advice and then attack you for not taking it.

[amaysngrace]

marriage REALLY serves no other purpose than a tax benefit

 

I was a single mom and I did really great on my tax returns but once I got married...shkwazool. It's like I was penalized for being married.

[Chump64]

John Lucas, what is your story? What is your background? I noticed that your posts are almost always anti-marriage. If I recall correctly, you started one thread on 'what is the point of marriage counseling?'

 

Did you have a bad experience in marriage?

[UnknowingOW]

RELIGION.. that's why! It has ALWAYS BEEN THE REASON.. RELIGION and to look good in society eyes. why do you think marriage started in the first place and need? "sex out of marriage is bad", "you should be ashamed of yourself for living in sin" "you should be a virgin when you marry".. ha.. marriage REALLY serves no other purpose than a tax benefit or in effort to "tie" somebody down. but we all knows what happens to a caged monkey once you let it free... it goes wild and exercises to hell to make up for the jailing. marriage is like psychologically jailing a man and then you wonder why they feel the urge to cheat. a piece of paper doesnt mean s***. if he loves you, he doesn't need a legal contract to stay with you.

 

Ridingthebulls, I got partially though your post and was thinking WTF??? You are nuts. Trust me, marriage is also the psychological jailing of a woman...I'm sure there are plenty here which would agree.

[Magister]

The difference between the parent-child relationship and the relationship between lovers is that, when a child starts to pull away from his parents, the parents pull back. Lover sink into a depression and spend all their time crying, doubting their self worth instead of fixing the problem.

[johnlucas]

John Lucas, what is your story? What is your background? I noticed that your posts are almost always anti-marriage. If I recall correctly, you started one thread on 'what is the point of marriage counseling?'

 

Did you have a bad experience in marriage?

 

No, have never been married.

It just bugs me to hear the types of stories I keep hearing here & how people are just so low down. Selfish people who seem to look for pity parties when they dirted someone else.

 

And another thing that bugs me is the lack of clear vision from all participants involved. So much cloudy obtuse thinking.

A man has a warehouse-full of proof of his wife's many liaisons behind his back yet is still offering the chance to "work things out"???

There ISN'T anything to "work out". Work her arse out the door, that's what you do. If someone is so repeatedly betraying your trust without any semblance of regard to you you still keep trying to hang on to such an unworthy person?

 

The story about the man whose wife had genital warts or something I read around here. What? Is he waiting to get herpes, chlamydia, or HIV before he makes the clear call??? Is he waiting for the woman to get pregnant by the other man, have birth, & find out 6 years down the line that the kid isn't his?

 

The mush-brained thinking from the betrayers & the betrayed puzzles the hell out of me. It's almost like it's brain damage. I think it is.

 

Then all the "spywork" people go through to see if their mate is true to them.

I find that sad. A person had to "keylog" & "rifle through personal items" & snoop around just to confirm that love is real???

Love CAN'T be real if someone has to go through all that. I mean it gets comical sometimes listening to the lengths people go through checking up on their mates.

 

And most of all it's the poor reasons people find themselves in these scenarios.

So many people are obviously not cut out for the marriage lifestyle yet they keep on doing it. And if things go south they don't break it off! They just add more confusion to the puzzle instead. So cowardly. So weak.

 

I knew someone was gonna say that this board is a poor place to example human behavior in relationships but I have to disagree.

The board is actually just a taste of what REALLY goes on with people around the world. Like I said the people posting here both betrayed & betrayer are simply the few who detail their stories & feelings for us to look over.

Most people just do this stuff like I said without narration.

 

No, I'm not absolutely jaded to think NO marriage can work.

But it looks to me that the grand majority don't. And I really think it's time for society to redefine its stance on marriage.

 

They worry so much about gay marriage but marriage in general is in serious need for review.

 

I think I can finally say with 100% certainty that I will NEVER marry.

I always left 1% room for error but I think it's solidified now.

 

It's not just this board that shows me this but people in real life I have seen.

Any so-called benefits that marriage is supposed to bring are tremendously outweighed by the costs & liabilities.

 

It just doesn't seem worth it knowing the stories I've seen & heard.

Not that I would ever put poxes on someone else trying out this arrangement. I always wish the best of luck to any union. But it'll be a snowy day on the sun before I ever even CONTEMPATE undertaking this perilous practice.

 

I just can't live in a world of lies & false faces.

I can't let my mind become mush as a result of some relationship. Too much respect for my mind to allow that to happen.

If you're gonna play a game with longshot chances for success, stick to Lotto, the Casino, or the Riverboat.

At least then all you would have wasted are just your money & your time.

And you'll gain funtimes in the process.

 

Sorry, Chump64 for my negative tone on this subject but when things don't make sense to me I have to ask myself...'why?'

John Lucas

[Woggle]

There is much truth to what you say about marriage but if a person finds a relationship worthy of marriage I still say it is worth it.

[Chump64]

John Lucas, thanks for the explanation.

 

It seems like there are a couple of things bugging you: (1) Why do cheating people come to LS and have pity parties for themselves when they are betraying someone else? and (2) Why do people who are repeatedly and knowingly betrayed TAKE it?

 

I can't answer either of those questions. Except I will say that for #1, I think a lot of people are trying to get OUT of that situation and are looking for support.

 

It doesn't seem like marriage bugs you as much as people who let themselves be walked on, or people who do the walking. That stuff happens in long term relationships, regardless if there is a legal document connecting the partners. (And regardelss of hetero or homosexuals.)

 

Which leads me to this, which I think I said on another board recently: It's not couple-hood or marriage that is screwed up. It's individual people. There are a lot of reasons why people do what they do. IMO, it boils down to: humans are stupid and life is messy.

 

You say you will probably never get married. Does that mean you will also never be in a romantic relationship? Because, again, I contend that this kind of crap happens in many relationships, regardless of whether there's a legal document involved.

 

As for the spying comment, I think that may have been directed at me. I don't advocate spying without good cause. But if you suspect a spouse is lying to you, and you have no concrete proof, how should you handle it? Walk out on them because you *think* they are lying? There are times when you need to go balls-to-the-wall to get the truth. It's no way to live permanently (and I won't and haven't, since I confronted my cheating husband). But to deal with a problem, you first need to identify and verify it. I was furious about being lied to, but I had no proof. I advocate spying for anyone in that sitaution. Now I know I sound defensive about this topic. I probably am.

[alfagrl]

I went to a wedding (childhood friend of my brothers). He had been dating his gf for 3yrs off and on, they always had problems. the groom to be even confided in my brother (the bestman) that he was having douts but the wedding and all the activities that go along with the wedding continued. NO one thought they would make it. Six months later they got divorced. I think your right in the since that it is pressure. Pressure Its the pressure of society and expectation. Also I think its everything amaysngrace said. who wants to 65 and heating TV dinners alone while looking across the street and seeing a warm loving family cozied up by the fire. (ok thats alittle dramatic) but you get my drift. Everybody needs somebody ...its just finding the right one.

 

BUT my question is do I have the right to ask for my gift back...come on six months?

[quankanne]

why get married? because the folks who do can see a future with someone, and are willing to place their trust in that. it's not to say it's perfect 100 percent of the time, but it's very much worth fighting for if it's where you want to be.

 

I think maybe you're looking at just part of the whole story, JL – what you read here on the 'Shack is a small sampling of the kinds of relationships there are. And often, people come here to find information they're afraid to ask for in real life, because they don't want their private lives made known to family or friends. It's much, much easier to ask a bunch of folks in cyberspace for advice because you know their thinking is shaded by their knowledge of you. There are people out there who are contented in their marriages (and by that, I'm talking about the kind of happiness that is well-grounded because you are sure of your relationship with your mate, and you know happiness isn't fleeting), but this is less a place for folks to toot their horn about how good it's been/is than a place to ask for ideas/thoughts on problems folks face.

 

why do I do it? I'm married because even when I think I've married a boob, he's MY boob, and I'm content with what we have ... I know that I'll never replicate what I've got with him, and that awes me, because I realize we're meant to be … I was the one who was planning on having lots of kids, but never really considered being married, even though how I was raised told me otherwise. I hang out at the 'Shack because I've found this is a good bunch of folks who are willing to go out of their way to show support when you need it most, who will give you good cause to laugh or smile when you least want to. And I want to give that back to someone who needs when they're hurting or have questions they can't find answers to in real life.

[sylviaguardian]

Well, I suppose most people get married because they assume there will be a happy ending. Personally, I got married because I did not want my children to have a different surname to me. I wanted to be 'a unit'.

[Tony T]

I think many people get married because they like wedding cake. Personally, I just order one every once in a while, eat what I want, give the rest away and forget the ceremony.

 

Some people get married to have children....but it's so much easier to send $50 per month to a reputabel charity to adopt an orphan overseas. Those kids are really grateful and they don't try to kill you when they're older.

[Butterflying]

Since I am a single woman who has never been married, but engaged twice. The first time I was engaged, I fully loved the man and believed I could spend the rest of my life with him. But when I look at how many changes have taken place since then, I realize that it was impossible for us to remain married, forever. Despite the reasons we broke up, somehwere down the road, we would have gotten a divorce anyway.

 

I was skeptical about the second engagement. My Xfiance was more eager than I was about getting married. I just went along with everything until I disovered that he had been completely betraying me. He was living two separate lives. One with me, long-distance, and another with someone else locally. That man actually tried to convince me sex wasn't cheating. He wanted me to ALLOW him to have sex with other women. He said that loving more than one person at the same time is cheating, and he promised to love only me, forever.

 

After all this, and dating A LOT of married men (unknowingly), I have totally given up on marriage. I do want to love someone and be loved by someone. I don't want to be alone for my entire life. But I KNOW that marriage is the the solution for that. Keeping and open mind, and an open heart is my key for living a more happy life. But marriage is simply not an option for me.