If you are/were a Betrayed Spouse, did you discover it or did your partner confess?

[jonesgirly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jonesgirly

I wonder what kind of person it is that would actually confess to an affair, simpy with the motivation to make things right in their marriage.

 

 

 

I confessed two weeks ago. There was a 0% chance of getting caught. No evidence (no chats, no phone calls, no emails). I came clean because I loved my wife and wanted to be honest about everything.

 

Let me pose a question: If the WS ended the affair and never did it again, would you want to know?

 

Is it better to open up so much hurt, or just burry it?

 

My point being, "to make things right in your marriage".

 

It takes two willing participants to make a marriage work. If you have the ability to conduct an extramarital affair without affecting your marriage, then I wonder how much of yourself you've truly 'given' to your spouse.

 

And I don't mean that you 'give up' a part of yourself, but rather, you give yourself 100% to the marriage. I find it hard to believe you could compartmentalize so efficiently.

 

How do you 'know' that your spouse/so didn't 'wonder' what was wrong? How do you 'know' that your spouse/so didn't question whether you were truly 'hers'?

 

I cannot imagine living with the guilt that I chose to selfishly indulge my desires while vowing to be faithful and loyal to another. That feeling, alone, would've made me want to confess and deal with the consequences.

 

Besides, I have enough respect for the person that I chose to marry to NOT want to put myself in that type of situation.

[Chump64]

I think about all the pain involved and how life was easier when I was oblivious. But that’s also humiliating. It’s humiliating to me not because other people may have known, but it's humiliating to me in my marriage. For some reason, it especially bothers me from the period when our older kids were little and we lived in a different house across town. He pretended that everything was hunky dory and that we were such a happy little growing family, yet he was screwing this woman in my basement twice a week, during the noon hour. Anyway, that’s a tangent I guess.

 

I think about the difference in our relationship now, already, even though D-day was just 5 mos ago. Even if we don’t survive this as husband and wife, we will know each other in a way that we would not have otherwise. Of course, I never would have wished for this to happen. If we’d had better communication skills all along – if my husband could have come to me and said, “This person has become a close friend and I think this is heading toward inappropriate” – I think we could have fixed “us” and grown a lot. I’m not sure we are fixable now, but we will both learn a lot and grow a lot. And maybe in entirely positive ways.

 

I guess I am saying, if he would have come to me before he started screwing around, and told me about the threat, I would have been devastated, but I would have wanted to know so we could work on it. That would be my ideal situation. Now, I have been obliterated and I hope I (we) can pick up the pieces. Still, I am glad to have this knowledge. I’d rather be a chump who takes her licks and moves on – whatever direction that might be -- than an unknowing chump, forever.

[Trimmer]

Even if we don’t survive this as husband and wife, we will know each other in a way that we would not have otherwise.

 

Boy, talk about lemonade from lemons... And I truly mean that as a compliment.

 

I think maybe that's why it was kind of the "final blow" to me when my wife said essentially that she wouldn't have told me about her first affair if she thought she could have kept it hidden. It felt like even after we had supposedly made it through all of that, she would rather have taken that bit of honesty and intimacy - however painful - and put it back in its box, hidden away. It was almost like she was withdrawing the last intimacy from our relationship as she closed the door.

[THX2000]

Why does it ALWAYS seem people who betray the other spouse get off scott free with everything, and the betrayed is left broken and destituite?

 

If I remember correctly though, the bible does say that God shall avenge. It makes you wonder, how, or what God would do to the betrayer. I hate to say it, but she doesn't have ANY clue what God IS capible of doing as far as avenging his people, funny thing is though, neither do we.

 

You got it. My ex and I broke up because she knew I was close to discovering what she was up to while away doing her internship and knew she would lose everything anyway. I found out anyway and she denied everything until I threw the proof in her face. Only then did she begin to admit bits and pieces. I was left with all the bills, the cars, the house, the dogs and the responsibility. She was kind enough to lighten me of close to $10 000 and lot's of my possessions though. What comes around goes around though and when it hits her I am sure it will hit her hard.

[cuckolded husband]

My wife confessed after me coming out asking her to confess and what a lot a crap it is. Because she only told little bits of the truth I know, but lived a Lie for 20 years. Would I like to do it the same way NO!!!!! HELL NO!!!! I would have liked to catch them in the act. So she could not LIE.

Sorry just venting

[Chump64]

Here's a sick thought Cuckolded: I fantasize about having caught my husband and the OW screwing in my house and throwing them both out the door with no clothes.

[p8riot7]

I didn't catch my wife in the act, but her and her bf wrote very explicit e-mails back and forth to each other. In my search for proof of my suspicions, I FOUND those e-mails. Just the descriptiveness in itself of what was taking place while I was either busting my tail at work, tending to the kids, or doing yard work was INFURIATING!!! not to mention just totally devastating. In my case, I think the way that I found out was actually worse than what it might have been if I'd have actually witnessed the betrayal. The images my mind creates may be worse than what my eyes may have actually perceived.

[ridingthebulls]

Do you have any idea how obsessive it can get to try to CATCH a cheater? It consumes your life and then chances are you might not even find the evidence. It's not even worth it. Live your life not knowing and always wondering, or finally be brought into the light?

[Chump64]

It's not hard to catch a cheater, assuming the cheating happens by phone, by computer or in a car. And if you know someone who cheats without using any of those means, s/he must be invisible or omni-present or whatever. You just need half a brain, a bit of cash, and the ability to read badly documented manuals that come with electronic devices and / or software. Obsessive? Not if you do it as quickly as you can. I started November 1 and had what I needed by Dec. 20th.

[ridingthebulls]

It's not hard to catch a cheater, assuming the cheating happens by phone, by computer or in a car. And if you know someone who cheats without using any of those means, s/he must be invisible or omni-present or whatever. You just need half a brain, a bit of cash, and the ability to read badly documented manuals that come with electronic devices and / or software. Obsessive? Not if you do it as quickly as you can. I started November 1 and had what I needed by Dec. 20th.

 

 

Sure, but after a long length of time, people get sloppy.

[Chump64]

Oh -- one thing it really does take? Balls. You have to want to find out and face the truth.

 

 

Bullcrapper: What do you mean, "get sloppy"? Are you referring to the cheater, or the betrayed spouse who is investigating?

[ridingthebulls]

Oh -- one thing it really does take? Balls. You have to want to find out and face the truth.

 

 

Bullcrapper: What do you mean, "get sloppy"? Are you referring to the cheater, or the betrayed spouse who is investigating?

 

The cheater of course.

[ridingthebulls]

and the ability to read badly documented manuals that come with electronic devices and / or software.

 

Did all those apparatuses help, or was it just the emails that made you find the truth?

[Chump64]

I obtained one-sided info with the electronic devices (meaning, I caught my husband skanking around but the person on the other end was 'anonymous' even though I knew who it was). That convinced me to tap the work phone. That and the emails (which I finally figured out how to hack after relying on recording devices) sealed the deal. This reminds me, I need to clean off my work computer soon. I should probably contact the OW's husband to see if he needs any of this info for future legal purposes, before I delete it.

 

Bullcrapper, I have given out a lot of info here on investigating. If you are interested, search my posts. I hope that info can be of use to you in your effed up situation, whatever your effed up situation is. It's very obvious that something is painfully rammed up your lone brown eye -- and hard -- with regard to infidelity.

 

Good luck.

[cuckolded husband]

C64

I would have loved to caught them, I should have known and tryed to catch them but I'll give them credit the only time they could do it was at work. When I couldn't had done anything while at work myself. When I would be 15 to 20 minutes late she would bust my chops I see why now. I guess thats all it took. Really P"SS me off to think that it was at her work.

Come to think it could have happen while I was out of town and the children were at home. I'll never know.

[cranium]

I wonder what kind of person it is that would actually confess to an affair, simpy with the motivation to make things right in their marriage.

 

I confessed two weeks ago. There was a 0% chance of getting caught. No evidence (no chats, no phone calls, no emails). I came clean because I loved my wife and wanted to be honest about everything.

 

Let me pose a question: If the WS ended the affair and never did it again, would you want to know?

 

Is it better to open up so much hurt, or just burry it?

 

Yes, I'd want to know. My H also confessed because of wanting to be honest and fix things. Like you, zero chance of getting caught.

 

The thing is, an A is really evidence of the fact that there are things badly wrong in the marriage. If the BS never knows, he/she never fixes her/his side, and the things that are wrong are never truly fixed. So whatever caused the problem in the first place are still at least somewhat of a problem. May not lead to another A, but may lead to other issues that are at least as bad.

 

 

I caught MW actively involved in her A a year before I came clean about my own A. My A was more than 10 years ago and I was not caught.

 

Once I came clean, she stopped all efforts at reconciliation. She felt I had been self-righteous and acted virtuous when I was guilty of the same. I could have possibly continued working on reconciliation without her knowing, but openness and honesty are imperative if we are to build a future. Coming clean helped me with the guilt I'd been carrying, but that was not the motivating factor for telling.

 

Also, as silktricks points out, because MW did not know about my A, she was never open to fix her side, and the things that contributed to my being vulnerable for an A years ago. The issues that led to my A (which I addressed time and again) were never truly fixed and still are somewhat of a problem.

 

Even though we had been in MC for a year, she still wasn't (to me) seriously addressing my concerns. While those issues did not lead me to another A, they most certainly contributed to MW's A. I withdrew after my EN's had been ignored for considerable time and became depressed and stopped fulfilling some of her EN's. OM stepped in to fill the void just as my OW had done years before.

[Chump64]

Cuckolded Husband:

 

I would have loved to caught them, I should have known and tryed to catch them but I'll give them credit the only time they could do it was at work.

 

 

 

Same here!! It was all during the workday and sex during lunch hours, at her house. (A few late nighters here and there, when he had to "work late.") Anyway, I snuck into my husband's office, tapped his phone and placed voice recorders in his cubicle. I also keylogged our home computer and got his work mail password. In many cases, but not all, "where there's a will, there's a way."

 

I was able to get into his building unnoticed, very early in the morning. If I had not been able to do that, I would have taken his security badge and swiped may way in at 3 am while he was asleep.

 

I was so pissed off about being lied to and taken for the fool, I did not care about the risks involved in getting the info I needed. My favorite line: "You f*ck with me, you f*ck with you."

[Milf629]

My favorite line: "You f*ck with me, you f*ck with you."

 

lololololol great line!

[Guest]

were you faithful to her during your marriage?

[cuckolded husband]

Yes

Always, We had fights but I've always loved her from the first day I saw her I told her that we would get married,the 1st day this year will be the 25th, You see she has always told me the truth I mean every little thing

and every big thing but "this" so is there anything else? Thats what hurts from Day 1 do I trust her "Yes" I guess so she has been with me this long I'm not the greatest man in the world and she stays. Sometimes I try really hard to be the best. Don't know how to forget the past I don't think the sex part of the A kills me that bad it's the fact that she went to look for it when I would gladly given her anything she wanted....... If you could understand that? I guess the friendship thing is what hurt and the years of LIEING to my face thats what P*SSES me off, if I can't trust the woman I married who can I trust?

[Chump64]

it's the fact that she went to look for it when I would gladly given her anything she wanted....... If you could understand that? I guess the friendship thing is what hurt and the years of LIEING to my face thats what P*SSES me off, if I can't trust the woman I married who can I trust?

 

 

I hear ya, believe me.

 

Really it boils down to poor communication. My spouse couldn't come to me and tell me he needed more intimacy and that he felt himself slipping away. I think THAT would be easier than getting tangled up in an intricate web of lies and damaging other peoples' lives. So now here we are, trying to figure out why we haven't been able to communicate about such basic things. I can't recall your details but if you two are not in counseling, and you are working on saving your marraige, I suggest a good counselor.

[cuckolded husband]

I don't think she did it for any other thing but to have sex and friendship I know that she keeps telling me that, do I trust what she telling me? before she confessed I would all (20 years) but now? I still love her there is still NC. I think women look at sex deffirent then men, don't they? Its more mental. That's what I don't understand why she did it. She is very smart and from a good family. I could see it happening when we were at a low point in our marraige. But at that time in our lives things were good. And no counselors are being seen she won't see one but we are working on it. She seems to be remorseful about the hole thing and trying to make me fill better. Should I tell her about this sight? She don't know.

Does anyones SO know we are on the net at this sight?

[Sup]

I don't think she did it for any other thing but to have sex and friendship I know that she keeps telling me that, do I trust what she telling me? before she confessed I would all (20 years) but now? I still love her there is still NC. I think women look at sex deffirent then men, don't they? Its more mental. That's what I don't understand why she did it. She is very smart and from a good family. I could see it happening when we were at a low point in our marraige. But at that time in our lives things were good. And no counselors are being seen she won't see one but we are working on it. She seems to be remorseful about the hole thing and trying to make me fill better. Should I tell her about this sight? She don't know.

Does anyones SO know we are on the net at this sight?

 

It ALMOST looks like she had the A just to see what it was like. I mean if EVERYTHING was soooo good, then why the A? Have you brought that up? Somehow I think that's it.

[cuckolded husband]

She said that she didn't know why she did it. Said that she liked the attention but I don't understand that she was everything to me and I went out of the way to make her happy most of the time I'm not perfect you know, we still had are fights like everyone else does. Sometimes I think that she was just exploring or something like that.

[stitch'sescape]

I wish my H had been the one to tell me. I am the one with "My best friend is the other woman". The fact that she is the one that told me and because she only told me because they had a fight made things worse. I wish my H had come to me and said I'm sorry I couldn't do this to you anymore I will do anything to make it right. In reality she showed up and told me and then it took another hour on the phone for him to tell me the truth.