If you are/were a Betrayed Spouse, did you discover it or did your partner confess?

June 9, 2006

So watching some postings of late, it seemed like some people thought it was better for the BS (betrayed spouse) if their WS (wayward spouse) confessed rather than being caught. If you are/were a BS what happened? What do you think?

When I was the WS, I was caught. Fast forward a number of years, as the BS I did not "catch" he confessed. Sometimes I've been so glad he confessed, other times I wish I would have caught him.

June 9, 2006

Sometimes I've been so glad he confessed, other times I wish I would have caught him.

oh gawd, you sound like me!! My H confessed. I'm glad he did, as opposed to me going through life not knowing, but there are times that I wished so BAD that I had caught him instead.

He said things like "you won", and I said I didn't even know there was a competition going on. Then he said that makes it even more of a win for you (me) because you were competing without knowing it, and you STILL won. I guess that makes some sense, but at the same time. . . oh sometimes I guess I'm just confused.

We're doing good now, and that really IS all that matters.

June 9, 2006

Why would you two have preferred to catch your husbands? This is such a sore spot for me. I would love not to be in this situation at all, but things would be so much better for me (IMO) if my husband had confessed. He even thinks that he may still be carrying on had I not busted him. (He has issues with passiveness and avoiding confrontation.)

Anyway, ouch. Hot topic for me lately. I had to nail him. This is a huge problem for me. He swears on his life that he loves me and wants to stay with me. I question the sincerity and wonder if he has other motives (not wanting to split up the house, custody, save face, etc.). He also claims to be relieved to be caught.

This is a long story and others have heard it repeatedly, but here goes.

About a year ago, I found two suspicious emails when he left his work email open on the home computer. I thought it was my work email and got all confused about why I’d be sending these lovey dovey messages to this woman. DOH. He lied his way out of that even though I kept bringing it up. I said repeatedly, “It will only be SOOOO much worse if you are lying to me and the truth comes out later.” He swore up and down that there was nothing to “come out.”

About 5 months later I found his work phone busy for long periods, usually around noon and again late in the day, right after everyone else left work. I called her work phone and it was also busy. Their phones both let up at the same time. I went into ‘investigation’ mode. I obtained computer passwords, tapped phones, left voice recorders in his office. In December, he found a voice recorder in his office and said nothing to me. NOTHING. He claims to have been scared to death and not being able to move b/c he wasn’t sure “what I knew.” I keep wondering about his motives and why he didn’t come to me. (I didn’t know he found the recorder until about a month later.) After the holidays I had all my evidence collected (print outs of emails, voice recordings) and confronted him / offered him a divorce.

This business of having to be caught vs. confessing raises so many questions. He claims that after the first suspicious emails were brought up, he was going to quit the affair and hope I never found anything out. He also claims he hid all this stuff b/c he was protecting his marriage (though he realizes the contradiction of that whole effed up line of thinking).

As far as the OW in my situation, I sent her an email and told her I hoped she had the decency to tell her husband before I did. I then followed up with the husband by sending him a print-out of that exact email. He thanked me.

June 9, 2006

The sane part of me says that it is sooooo much better that he quit the A, felt bad and told me about it.

The insane/insecure/jealous/angry/etc part of myself, says 2 things:

1. If I'd caught him it wouldn't have gone on as long as it did (approx a year communication, 4-5 months "romantic")

2. If I'd caught him I wouldn't have any doubts (ever) that he prefers me to her. When I get really down on myself I think "but maybe he left her, just 'cuz he didn't like her, not 'cuz he loved me...."

I know that's crazy, but unfortunately, at times it's true..

If my husband read this he'd be soooo unhappy. He's been working so hard to convince me that his heart is mine.

June 9, 2006

I often wonder how many WS's confess because their OP's spouse found out about their affair, and has threatened to expose them.

I wonder what kind of person it is that would actually confess to an affair, simpy with the motivation to make things right in their marriage.

I would have LOVED it if my H had admitted to anything, without having to have black-n-white evidence presented. HE knew what he did, why add to it by lying?

And unless you're super-sleuth like Chump, you'll never know if you actually got the 'whole truth'. It feels like such a personal insult too, when you're crazed with emotions and they have the complete lack of respect to continue lying right to your face.

Whatever the motivation, I know that I (as a BS) would've felt at least like I mattered to my husband if he had confessed and/or admitted things without requiring a CSI-type scene. I would've felt that he wanted to repair it and that he was genuinely concerned for me too.

June 9, 2006

I was told by a lover of my ex H. Honestly, it made me realize I wasn't crazy. I confronted my ex...he spilled the beans. But, it never stopped him.

June 10, 2006

I often wonder how many WS's confess because their OP's spouse found out about their affair, and has threatened to expose them.

I wonder what kind of person it is that would actually confess to an affair, simpy with the motivation to make things right in their marriage.

Well, I do know that my H confessed purely out of making our marriage right. The OW was not married and lived in a different state. (It was an EA). And in all honesty he is truly a wonderful man - but even though we are doing very well, I still get scared on occasion.

June 10, 2006

I had the misfortune of being a little too smart for my own good. I discovered my wife's affair after doing some digging. There were some red flags, ie. strange purchases on credit cards, text messages on the cell phone, and then having grounds for snooping I found a "secret" e-mail acct. that contained very sexually explicit messages to/from her lover. Upon confronting her about this, she denied it until I threw the stack of e-mails in her lap. The divorce was finalized a few months ago. I'll get more detailed along with my own questions in my own posting.

June 10, 2006

Upon confronting her about this, she denied it until I threw the stack of e-mails in her lap. The divorce was finalized a few months ago. I'll get more detailed along with my own questions in my own posting.

Did you two try to work it out? Go to counselling? I mean, some cannot forgive cheating and can't give the cheating spouse another chance to make things right again, gain back the trust...

June 10, 2006

I got caught by my soon to be xH. I only confessed after being caught, and would have never openly told him. I guess the main reason was because i wanted to keep doing what i was doing, and if he knew, he would have obviously tried to put a stop to it. He is a very needy, clingy, yet controlling guy. Very jealous, although i understand why......my family, my friends, his friends, all could never understand what i saw in him, EVER! Even after he caught me, he wanted to work things out, but i was unwilling. I had tried at least 5 times to leave him, and this was my chance to get out.

Needless to say, i'm still with the man i cheated on him with. And no, the OM was NOT the reason i left. I left because i was very much unhappy, and had been for 3 years. I was afraid of hurting my H, but i wanted to be happy too, so instead of doing the right thing first and leaving him, i cheated on him. And i don't regret any of it, except for the fact that i hurt him, but that would have been the case regardless.

June 10, 2006

Stillhere, just curious about something. Why would you continue to hide it if it ultimately gave you the "out" that you wanted? Why waste your time hiding it when it was the ticket you needed to leave?

June 10, 2006

Did you two try to work it out? Go to counselling? I mean, some cannot forgive cheating and can't give the cheating spouse another chance to make things right again, gain back the trust...

Having just become a Christian months before then, I insisted on going to marital counseling and even speaking with the Pastors, but she refused and said she just didn't want to be married any more. After 12 years of marriage, 2 sons under 5 years old, and having built 2 homes? Turned out her lover was an ex BF from high school. She didn't marry HIM b/c he was serving 10 years in prison for being an accomplice to murder during a robbery. Once he was finally released, I guess she decided to look him up. I can only say that I feel like I was option B.

June 10, 2006

Although i was miserable, i felt extremely bad for him. I do care about him, and he is the father of my child (which made it harder having a child with him), but i knew that he would have a very hard time "replacing me" by finding someone new. I guess in a way, i was not being as selfish as i can be at times, but i did not cheat on him until the last year of those 3 years that i was trying to leave him.

I was trying not to hurt him, although i knew it would eventually, i guess i was aiming for him to leave me if i made life miserable for him as well. Then it would take away some of my guilt of not loving him anymore.

June 10, 2006

The sane part of me says that it is sooooo much better that he quit the A, felt bad and told me about it.

The insane/insecure/jealous/angry/etc part of myself, says 2 things:

1. If I'd caught him it wouldn't have gone on as long as it did (approx a year communication, 4-5 months "romantic")

2. If I'd caught him I wouldn't have any doubts (ever) that he prefers me to her. When I get really down on myself I think "but maybe he left her, just 'cuz he didn't like her, not 'cuz he loved me...."

I know that's crazy, but unfortunately, at times it's true..

If my husband read this he'd be soooo unhappy. He's been working so hard to convince me that his heart is mine.

See, now I was going to question why but see Chump already did. I guess like you said its the sane intellect part of you and the other, sometimes wondering part also..

There is one factor I didn't see mentioned (although I haven't read the thread completely yet) but he could have also followed a thrid scenario. He could have ended things with her and never mentioned it at all. Life would have went on but there is something that he obviously feels for you that wouldn't let him do it that "easier' way.

June 10, 2006

Having just become a Christian months before then, I insisted on going to marital counseling and even speaking with the Pastors, but she refused and said she just didn't want to be married any more. After 12 years of marriage, 2 sons under 5 years old, and having built 2 homes? Turned out her lover was an ex BF from high school. She didn't marry HIM b/c he was serving 10 years in prison for being an accomplice to murder during a robbery. Once he was finally released, I guess she decided to look him up. I can only say that I feel like I was option B.

That's really sad. And one day, she is going to REGRET not trying her best to fix the marriage. She certainly gave up alot for a past flame who sounds like a real loser.

I don't mean to pry, but I hope you got custody of the kids. As hard as it probably would be living away from their mom, atleast they'd have a stable, loving and safe home with you.

Not sure how long ago this happened to you, but I hope you're on the mend now.

June 10, 2006

That's really sad. And one day, she is going to REGRET not trying her best to fix the marriage. She certainly gave up alot for a past flame who sounds like a real loser.

I don't mean to pry, but I hope you got custody of the kids. As hard as it probably would be living away from their mom, atleast they'd have a stable, loving and safe home with you.

Not sure how long ago this happened to you, but I hope you're on the mend now.

As a result of it all, I went into an acute depression, lost ALOT of weight, developed sleep disorders, ended up on heavy duty meds to get me to sleep, lost my job, lost my apartment, and eventually took a job as a traveler with a surgical agency to make the money to pay support for the kids, and to pay off the debt incurred going through the divorce. She earns a high income, and is still in the marital home until it sells. Next week will be 1 year since I discovered the affair.

June 10, 2006

As a result of it all, I went into an acute depression, lost ALOT of weight, developed sleep disorders, ended up on heavy duty meds to get me to sleep, lost my job, lost my apartment, and eventually took a job as a traveler with a surgical agency to make the money to pay support for the kids, and to pay off the debt incurred going through the divorce. She earns a high income, and is still in the marital home until it sells. Next week will be 1 year since I discovered the affair.

Why does it ALWAYS seem people who betray the other spouse get off scott free with everything, and the betrayed is left broken and destituite?

If I remember correctly though, the bible does say that God shall avenge. It makes you wonder, how, or what God would do to the betrayer. I hate to say it, but she doesn't have ANY clue what God IS capible of doing as far as avenging his people, funny thing is though, neither do we.

June 10, 2006

For my wife's first affair (about 10 years ago) she revealed it to me, although she revealed the facts slowly and painfully, and to some degree as the affair unfolded. But at the time I felt like she had pretty much offered it up.

Fast forward 10 years and 2 kids. She's just left me, there's been an OM involved for 2 years, to this day she claims they're "just friends", even though I found cell phone call patterns going way back, text messages signed "I love you" with intimate details beyond what I've ever said to a "friend", and other stuff... In this case, I found out and busted her, but I was only driven to investigage after she had expressed that she was tired of being married, and I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on. She revealed nothing and insisted on continuing to hide it, claiming the "just friends" defense, claiming that it had nothing to do with our marriage situation, and therefore, acting to a large degree as if it were none of my business. Well, not anymore, I guess...

I tried - I wanted to stay together, I would have done anything, but she made it clear that it was too late for her and her mind was made up. The turning point for me was her telling me, with a somewhat defiant tone, that if the first affair hadn't been at risk of exposure (by virtue of the OM telling his wife; we all ran in a close social/professional circle) then she wouldn't have told me about it. I remember that moment very clearly - I had always thought that she told me out of some kind of contrition, remorse, and/or desire to heal our marriage. At that very moment, my perception of her shifted, and to my sadness, I have never seen her, or our marriage, in the same way again.

As far as I can tell, my wife's experience parallels stillhere's from a few posts up in this thread. With the exception that stillhere talks about having one child (instead of the two that we have), and the fact that she describes her H as needy, clingy, controlling, and jealous, virtually everything else in her post sounds like a direct match. (although I'm sure I was needy and clingy for a while immediately after she announced she wanted a divorce , and I'm also sure I was jealous while she was f**king another man... ) I have wondered how I would feel if I came across a post here on LS that I thought was my wife, and this is the closest I've come.

June 10, 2006

As far as I can tell, my wife's experience parallels stillhere's from a few posts up in this thread. With the exception that stillhere talks about having one child (instead of the two that we have), and the fact that she describes her H as needy, clingy, controlling, and jealous, virtually everything else in her post sounds like a direct match. (although I'm sure I was needy and clingy for a while immediately after she announced she wanted a divorce , and I'm also sure I was jealous while she was f**king another man... ) I have wondered how I would feel if I came across a post here on LS that I thought was my wife, and this is the closest I've come.

No, my soon to be xH was always jealous because of the fact that i am pretty, and i have always gotten attention from other men. I'm not a habitual cheater. I would have never thought to cheat on him before, i knew it would hurt him. But i didn't want to live my next 50-60 years miserable, and i didn't know how to get out. I wanted to leave before my OM came into my life.

I feel for you Trimmer, i really do. I know i smashed my H's world into a million pieces, but what it came down to for me was, do i allow him to think that everything is ok, or do i start thinking about myself and my happiness. Because i was unhappy, i was intentionally making him unhappy as well. Then he would want to have a "talk" every day, because everything was my fault because i wasn't trying to make it work. It got to the point that i dreaded going home every day. If i din't show up 5 minutes after i punched out at work, he was calling my cell demanding to know where i was. I couldn't take it anymore.

And about the jealous part too......he was jealous of my girlfriends!!! If a friend would come over, and she sat next to me on the couch, he would glare at me. If they got up for any reason, he would run over and practically sit on my lap!!!!! He literally made me sick. I'm sure you are not psychotic like this Trimmer!!!!

June 11, 2006

I'm sure you are not psychotic like this Trimmer!!!!

lol no, I don't think so, anyway. I had always thought it a sign of strength, both individual and of our relationship, that there were some components of our lives that we persued independently. The night 10 years ago that I began to learn of her "first" OM (a co-worker of hers) he called and asked her to meet him. As she left the house, she told me that he was having some trouble in his marriage and needed to talk. I actually thought to myself (and you're going to find this amazingly naive, to the point of being pathetic, or at least I do now) "what a nice person my wife is to 'be there' for a friend in distress." Boy, that was a very long time ago... Even on this latest one, and after the earlier experience (hmmm... Fool me once?) I still gave her the benefit of the doubt for what seems, in retrospect, like an amazingly long time.

I apologize if I was projecting my STBX onto you - you sound more different now than it seemed before, and I didn't mean to come off huffy, if there was any of that in my response. It was just an interesting thing wondering how I would feel if I ever came across a post that I thought was really my STBX... Kinda like seeing someone in the supermarket aisle that you really want to avoid.

So anyway, back on topic: On the question of confessed vs. busted, you can count me as "one of each."

June 11, 2006

I apologize if I was projecting my STBX onto you - you sound more different now than it seemed before, and I didn't mean to come off huffy, if there was any of that in my response. It was just an interesting thing wondering how I would feel if I ever came across a post that I thought was really my STBX... Kinda like seeing someone in the supermarket aisle that you really want to avoid.

No offense taken my dear, i can understand how you feel completely. And never once did i feel you were directing anything at me!!

I hope you can learn to trust again the way you did before all this came to light. All women are not like your ex, and although i'm saying this as a cheater myself, women can be trusted. I'm not a bad person, i made a few mistakes, and i've learned a lot from them.

June 12, 2006

I wonder what kind of person it is that would actually confess to an affair, simpy with the motivation to make things right in their marriage.

I confessed two weeks ago. There was a 0% chance of getting caught. No evidence (no chats, no phone calls, no emails). I came clean because I loved my wife and wanted to be honest about everything.

Let me pose a question: If the WS ended the affair and never did it again, would you want to know?

Is it better to open up so much hurt, or just burry it?

June 12, 2006

I'm the BS, and I found out. I'd seen some questionable behavior in the online game we played...had that all around 'gut feeling'. Finally caught her trying to close an IM session so that I couldn't see it....she got it closed, but it was a huge red flag.

I asked her that day if there was something going on with him that I needed to worry about. She said "you have NOTHING to worry about!".

I got my proof four days later by logging her IM account. When confronted with me 'knowing', she didn't try to deny it.

June 12, 2006

Let me pose a question: If the WS ended the affair and never did it again, would you want to know?

hey, guest, I hope you will register and give youself a screen name so that we can come to recognize you and follow your story, if you are willing to share it...

"Would you want to know" is a really interesting question, touched on somewhat in this thread, and also in a longer and somewhat more "vigorous" discussion in this thread.

My answer, basically, "yes."

Is it better to open up so much hurt, or just burry it?

I will pose the question to you in a different way. I think if you bury (hide) it vs. opening it up, you will end up with two distinctly different kinds of relationships, in the long run. So my question to you is, irrespective of the difficulty of getting there in either case, which kind of relationship would you prefer to have in the long run?

Personally, I come down on the side of greater intimacy and knowledge of each other, instead of hiding and burying significant things over long periods of time.

The other thing I will suggest you consider: You state your premise based on the assumption that it would never happen again. I'm sure this is a common refrain among WS. However, at the time of making the decision to "bury" it, a WS is looking into an uncertain future, with an unstable mind and heart, and really can't make that promise honestly, can they?

Further, the idea of burying it so it won't affect the relationship going forward requires that we assume the affair can be isolated from the relationship as if it could be surgically removed, cut out, "anulled" as if it never happened, and never will again. In fact, a lot of (most? I'm no expert...) affairs stem from issues that are indeed a part of the marriage - unmet needs, buried resentments, etc... I believe that if you don't deal - within the marriage - with those issues that led to/caused/created the conditions for the affair, then "burying" an affair just leaves dysfunction in place which will eventually take its toll in some way, either in another affair - best intentions be damned - or in some other collapse within the relationship.

Not that my situation is the template for generalizing about all relationships, but I believe this (failing to address the real reasons and causes for an affair) to be the overriding cause of the demise of my marriage.

June 13, 2006

I confessed two weeks ago. There was a 0% chance of getting caught. No evidence (no chats, no phone calls, no emails). I came clean because I loved my wife and wanted to be honest about everything.

Let me pose a question: If the WS ended the affair and never did it again, would you want to know?

Is it better to open up so much hurt, or just burry it?

Yes, I'd want to know. My H also confessed because of wanting to be honest and fix things. Like you, zero chance of getting caught.

The thing is, an A is really evidence of the fact that there are things badly wrong in the marriage. If the BS never knows, he/she never fixes her/his side, and the things that are wrong are never truly fixed. So whatever caused the problem in the first place are still at least somewhat of a problem. May not lead to another A, but may lead to other issues that are at least as bad.

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If you are/were a Betrayed Spouse, did you discover it or did your partner confess?

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