Guest Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Well, I have had the same problem. Except its been a 4yr relationship. I dont get it, but if he wants space, give it to him. Thats what he needs and giving him a hard time is not the way to go about it. I dont understand my girlfriend but I trust that she knows what she needs.
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 15, 2006 Author Posted June 15, 2006 Tomorrow morning is my exam and I've managed to avoid him all week. It worked out pretty well. I've been thinking about him a lot but I haven't contacted him. Actually, I'd deleted him from msn and I'm guessing that he figured that out because he added me yesterday. So I've been online a bit but I haven't talked to him. His msn names keep refering to songs. It's interesting. Apparently he was hungover yesterday, also according to his msn name. I talked to him a few weeks ago about the possibility that I might be getting a job and thus moving away. I work for the university, as does he, and I'm doing research related to the project that I'll be working on for my masters. I've got the grades and I'm working on the project so getting accepted shouldn't be a problem, provided I pass tomorrow's exam. However, the project that I'm working on hasn't really gotten off the ground. I'm really unhappy with the project and I'm really starting to question whether I want to do my masters or not. If not, I'll be moving in Sept or October. We talked all about this a few weeks ago. He didn't say a lot when I told him this. The only thing that he said was that we both know the day is coming, within a year at the latest, that one of us will be moving away. He doesn't believe that long distance ever works (even 2hrs away). So, the ball's in his court. I'm moving ahead and trying to put him behind me. I still have some hope that he'll come after me and I still have feelings for him but I'm not going to be sitting at home waiting for my phone to ring.
Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Posted June 16, 2006 Look up the word Commitmentphobe on Google. You will see exactly the problem. And it's more common than you realize. I have been dating a guy for the last 2 years off and on....it started off perfectly, we became best friends, lovers, beautiful relationship...we even worked together as well, and no problems for the first 6 months....then it started....he found excuses to not commit. Everything from "my ex has cancer" (she was lying), to "My mom needs me right now"...but after every single episode, he came back. It was like he was punishing me for getting too close. Now we are not dating....or as he put it "We're not dating right now"....which implies that soon, he will call wanting sex or companionship...and he will expect me to give in like I have every single time. My friend, you and I are love addicts. Our men are commitmentphobes. We attract each other because we crave the attention of the other....but it is the most destructive pattern in a relationship for the one that is the love addict. You need to get away from him emotionally. Sure he was great, yes, he was the one....but not like this. You deserve far better and so do I. If you don't give in, then I promise not to as well....deal?
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 17, 2006 Author Posted June 17, 2006 I checked out commitmentphobe on google (I'm assuming that you were referring to the first hit). I can definately relate to what the site is saying but I don't know that those actions are only specific to commitmentphobes. It seems to me that they are detailing the natural progression of a relationship. The first section appears to be the "honeymoon" phase when the relationship and the other person appear to be perfect (you know that nothing is perfect but can't see the faults). Then you get into the mid part of the relationship when the perfection faulters and you begin to see the real other person. They have faults, so do you, you get used to it and become more comfortable with each other. Having said that, the last part does seem to apply specifically to the commitmentphobe, however, I'm not sure that it only applies to them. I think that there are lots of reasons that a person can become distant, one of them being the fear of commitment. My ex is afraid of commitment and he mentioned that about a week ago. It's interesting because he used to worry that I was more afraid of commitment than he was. I am afraid of commitment (anything beyond a relationship) and I think that a lot of people are. Does that mean that I won't commit one day? Unlikely. I want to get married one day, just not anytime soon. My ex actually proposed to his one gf (the one who cheated on him). That relationship really messed him up, he really loved her. He was messed up for about a year after that. That relationship was his only long term relationship. It ended because she cheated. I think that my ex is freaking out because we'd been together longer than that previous relationship. The potential of me moving away is also getting closer. However, I don't completely rule out the possiblity that he's a commitmentphobe. He came out for dinner with me to meet my parents and he's seen them a few times. I haven't met his parents; I'm a very family oriented person and this really bugs me. He knows it. It makes me feel like he's hiding me and treating me like I'm not his gf. We recently argued about this. He had said that I can meet his parents but he would prefer that I didn't. In an e-mail he said that he was afraid that they would think that i was just another girl that he was dating and that he thinks that I'm much more than that. His family situation is pretty rough, his mom has some serious mental issues. He left home when he was 17, on the most part, because of his mom's problems. He lived on the streets for awhile. He's alright with his parents now but doesn't spend much time with them. He finds it upsetting to be around his mom even though he cares for her a lot. Ya, so with all this other stuff from his past, I just can't figure him out. Maybe he is a commitmentphobe. I hope not. I miss him and hope that he'll make an effort to talk about things this weekend.
SarahRose Posted June 17, 2006 Posted June 17, 2006 Where can I find out more about cancer men? There is a cycle of some type and it used to drive me nuts but now I am used to it. He is so sensitive that sometimes I fear saying something to him as I don't want to hurt his feelings and make him retreat.
Returning Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Hey sarahRose, I don't know a whole heep of stuff but I'm willing to explore this with you if you'd like. I don't know if my email addy is visable or if you want to start a new thread under an appropriate heading so we could kick it around. I have not seen any specific information on Cancerians and the drum they dance too.
SarahRose Posted June 18, 2006 Posted June 18, 2006 Thanks. I didn't see an email address. Do you want to start a new thread? I am not sure where to put it.
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 19, 2006 Author Posted June 19, 2006 Hey Returning, Would you be interested in starting a thread? I'm really interested in learning more about cancerians also. I've read up on some stuff that I found on the internet but I haven't seen anything that was that indepth. I'd really like to know about the 28 day cycle. How did you become so knowledgeable of the cancer sunsign?
Guest Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Ok a guy says they need space - pack your bags and leave before he hurts you more. If you are not A#1 on his list and he can't give you a real reason as to why he is busy I would say C-YA just like you did. Normally needing space is some strange way people have breaking up with other people and are too much of a coward just to tell the person - I am sure you are reading all of these examples of this happening on other foroums. I wish you the best of luck and I know it's hard trying not to think about it when you have such important things going on - you need closure and that's why your brain is wandering the way that it is. Who knows - you may never get the closure you need but if I were you I would make a decision to move on - why should you have to sit back and go through this while he needs his "space" and is too busy for you???
Returning Posted June 19, 2006 Posted June 19, 2006 Hey LifeinLimbo and SarahRose, I have started a thread in the General section, General Relationship Discussion, thread title: Ever dated a Cancerian, Are you a Cancerian? I've opened it with what came to mind, if it gets off the ground we can maybe try and put together a more complete profile of the Cancerian way. LifeinLimbo:How did you become so knowledgeable of the cancer sunsign? I have not read a great deal about the Cancer Sunsign, I was just being subjective and basing things on my own experience.
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