LifeinLimbo Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 I've been in a relationship for 6 months. This past month things changed and I don't know why. The first 5 months were the amazing, it was the best relationship that I've been in. He threw snowballs at my window, wisked me away after a bad exam that I had, made me dinner. My parents loved him. He wanted to be with me ALL the time, to the point where I was feeling smothered but I didn't say anything. My roomates were annoyed with the amount of time he spent at my place. Then I graduated and moved into my own place. I began a job as a research assistant and I work in the same office as him. Around this time he became "busy" and started spending a lot of time in the library, not in the office. I saw him a few times a week but it was always in the evenings, rarely on the weekends, and we'd always do the same thing... watch tv and eat dinner (that I usually made). It wasn't fun anymore and I felt like he was pushing me away. We only hung out when he wanted to (aka. when he wasn't busy). I tried to talk to him about what was going on multiple times but got nowhere. He said that he didn't think anything had changed, and yet again the word "busy" came up. We broke up for a week and then got back together two days ago. Yesterday he was avoiding me and acting all weird. I called him on it and he told me that he needs space. Just two days ago he was telling me how much he cares about me. What's going on? I don't understand.
amaysngrace Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 I don't know what happened to make him change but it sounds as if it's related to your working together. Are you making more money than him? Are you being accepted easily in the workplace? These things could all be playing on his psyche. Or maybe it's because you got your own place, does he have his own place as well?
Sand&Water Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 LifeinLimbo, It could be due to many factors. I don't know. However, I sense that he has become bored of the relationship. There isn't much fun in all entity for him. Or he sees that you've progressed quite nicely in your life, career-wise, and is disturbed by this. Ask him.
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 I'm making about the same amount of money as he is. He's got a pretty nice place which he shares with a roomate. The working situation is really kind of weird. I'm in an office with 6 other people, all of them being guys. My area of research is very male dominated, there are very few females in the entire building. His roomate also works in the office and we've been spending a fair amount of time working on a project together (the roomate has a gf and there's nothing going on between us). I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm invading my bf's (or ex-bf... I'm have no idea where we stand) space. At the same time, I've been working toward this position for the last year. I spent a lot of my final year of school studying rather than spending time with friends so that I would have the grades to get this position. He's know for the past couple of months that I would likely be working in the same office as him. He sent me an e-mail this afternoon. He was worried because he didn't see me today. He seems to feel badly for the way he treated me. He wants to talk. I'm worried because I really don't understand him right now. I don't know if he wants to talk about our relationship or if he wants to break up.
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Well speak to him and find out what's going on inside his head. He obviously cares for you. Maybe he's just weirded out because you now work together, or maybe he looks at you differently now that you are colleagues. No matter what, something has changed and is bothering him and you need to get to the bottom of it. Speak to him. Good luck!
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 I replied to his e-mail and asked him when he wants to talk. He replied saying that he wants to talk next weekend. He's taking a summer course and he's got an exam on Wed, I've got one on Friday so he wants to wait until we're done those. I don't want to spend all of next week wondering what it is that he wants to talk about, I'd rather talk about it now. I wish I could say that to him but that would probably be imposing on his "space" and he'd get upset again. I really care about him but with his moodiness and whatever's going on with him (which he won't share with me, I've asked before and he denies that anything has changed) I'm starting to wonder if I really want to be with him. He can be so self centered at times and I don't like the way that he's been treating me. So now I have to wait until next weekend to talk to him. I don't know how I'm supposed to act when I see him at work on Monday.
ashnicole Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 He spent a lot of time with you, got you right where he wanted you, and now his true colors are showing. Maybe he IS really busy, and maybe he's not... you know him better than any of us do, so why not just focus on whether or not you think he's really trying to make time for you. Maybe he's second guessing the relationship, or maybe now he realizes that he can do whatever he wants, because you'll always take him back. YOU have to make that choice as to what you think would be best for YOU.
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 He replied saying that he wants to talk next weekend. I don't know how I'm supposed to act when I see him at work on Monday. That's crap, IMO. You are suppose to wonder what's up all week?? You will be at work, that's really unfair of him. If I were you, I'd just put on a happy face and act like he's not getting to you as best as you can. Actually, if you can, shift your feelings so it's truly how you feel. Me, I'm not that polite. I would tell him to F**k Off.
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 Well... that's the end of that relationship. I woke up in the middle of the night because things were bothering me. The more I thought about him and the way he was treating me the more angry I got, in a numb kind of way, I just didn't care anymore. Today I decided that I'd had enough and that it was time to stop being "polite" as Grace put it. I've been putting up with his garbage for so long that my self esteem has taken a big hit. I wanted the last word and I wanted to let him know that I'm not going to chase after him while he ignored me. No more waiting around. I called him. He didn't pick up, like expected, no doubt because he saw that it was me who called. I left him a message saying, "I'm tired of you treating me like S**T, like I'm a F***ing object. F*** off." I rarely swear unless I'm really really mad at someone. In general, I'm a pretty mellow person who doesn't like confrontation but when I get pushed too far (and it takes a lot), the fists start flyin. So it's back to the single life for me.
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Good for you! Nobody should treat you like that! I'm very proud of you for having enough self-respect to take a stand!! Now, go enjoy the single life. Nobody needs THAT MUCH self-respect!!
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 12, 2006 Author Posted June 12, 2006 Yesterday was alright. I spent some time with a really good friend, we talked about a lot of stuff, it distracted me. I kept thinking about my ex this afternoon and I knew that just below the surface I was really upset about the breakup. About an hour ago I listened to "goodbye my lover." I started bawling and I'm still at it. We had some really good times. He was my lover and my closest friend. He was the one for me. I miss him so much but I can't be with him. It's going to be so hard to see him tomorrow.
AriaIncognito Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I'm so sorry that you're hurting limbo. It sucks. The fact that you are working in the same place makes it even worse. I'm on day 4 of no contact with my whatever he is, probably ex, and I can sympathize with how you're feeling. Do you best to keep busy, but also allow yourself to feel. Whatever you are feeling is valid, regardless of what anybody tells you. Chin up and good luck, Jennifer
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 I managed to avoid seeing him yesterday. It's now been 4 days since I saw him. It feels like I'm getting used to him not being around and things are getting easier. I know that when I see him that's going to change. All the feelings will come back. I've basically got to avoid him until Friday, when I have my exam. The exam is really important and it's not going to be easy. I'm really afraid of seeing him or breaking down and talking to him. If I do that I'll just turn into an emotional wreck again and I'll mess up on the exam. If I mess up the exam I won't be able to get accepted into my masters program. I want this week to be over. Sat is going to involve a lot of drinking. I've blocked him on msn but he hasn't blocked me. He seems upset and I don't think that he realizes that I'm serious that we're breaking up. He probably expects that we're going to talk on the weekend like he wanted. That pisses me off. It's always on his terms. At the same time, I keep hoping that things will change and we'll get back together. The first five months were amazing. Accepting the reality that he's not going to change is really really hard.
Returning Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 What's his star sign? He wouldn't be a Cancer would he?
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 Wow, you called it! He is a cancer. When he gets moody he clams up and hides in his shell. It seems like he's been in there for the past month and a half. He's also very sensitive, he can be easily upset, and he finds it next to impossible to express his feelings (he fully admits to this).
Returning Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 well, give him a slap and tell him to stop being such a t*t. Front him out, he'll get quite skittish but stick to your guns and calmly confront him with how unkind he is being. It is just a Cancer thing and can become quite boring to their partners, if you want him he's there, if you can't be as*ed move on. Just because that is the profile it should give him the ability to see what he has to put right, otherwise he's going to be one lonely miserable crab for a very long time with a trail of failed relationships behind him. If you let him get away with it, he will carry on being a sulky little narky knickers. While he was being all supportive it was good, now he percieves you have independance he wont know how to act and will scuttle off, if you start to do things for him, he wont know what to do either and will scuttle off. He won't know what he is doing himself, and as he tries to understand it he will spiral into a void of inner turmoil, he is making himself busy to avoid the issue. He will do something he should be doing, work, because it's safe ground. Good luck.
rkman Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Wow, you called it! He is a cancer. When he gets moody he clams up and hides in his shell. It seems like he's been in there for the past month and a half. He's also very sensitive, he can be easily upset, and he finds it next to impossible to express his feelings (he fully admits to this). Stop poking fun of me! Let me give you a little trick as to how to deal with people such as 'us people'. Warm up our engines if you want us to talk or express ourselves. Mostly, we can't figure out to say cause there is just too much too say! We need someone to trigger the engine to get over that first little barrier, after that we never stop talking. Our brains have about 1000 simultaneous thoughts running at once, its difficult to grab one and stick to it wihtout thinking abut how to say it first. His duty to assist this is to get you on track into talking something which interests him. You take for granted your ease of communication, we admire this, but become frustrated that our perspective isn't understood. If you are really and truly interested in knowing what he is thinking, the easiest method is to ask him to put it on paper, he'll write you a book in about an hour most likely.
Returning Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Well said rkman, I too am Cancerian, however I have lost some good women to my own daftness, I just couldn't help it.
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 I can definately see what you're saying but I have trouble understanding it. I don't get how he can be super opinnionated (sometimes this is annoying but usually it leads to interesting conversation) and he'll talk for hours about something he's passionate about but when it comes to me, he has nothing to say. He can't express if he cares about me, why he wants to be with me, or anything to do with our relationship. Actually, what prompted our first breakup was him attempting to tell me how he feels. I started the conversation and told him that I was upset, that he wasn't treating me like his gf anymore and that he'd been really distant recently. He replies by saying that he doesn't know what I'm talking about and then goes on (to firmly plant his foot in his mouth) by saying that he wouldn't be hurt if I broke up with him and that he thinks that our relationship is going to inevitably end. Nice. This really really really hurts me; so much that I break up with him. Then I can see that he is hurt. At first he was angry, he'd stomp into the office, get something and stomp out. Then he was moping around like a hurt little puppy. The reason he thinks that we're going to inevitably end is that he doesn't know where he's going to be in a years time and neither do I. I might even be moving in 4 months, we'll see. The past couple of days his msn name has been "this never happened to Pablo Picasso." Lyrics seem to be the only way he can express himself. Here's a bit more of the song: Well some people try to pick up girls And get called a**holes This never happened to pablo picasso He could walk down your street And girls could not resist his stare and So pablo picasso was never called an a**hole Well the girls would turn the color Of the avacado when he would drive Down their street in his el dorado He could walk down your street And girls could not resist his stare Pablo picasso never got called an a**hole Not like you Alright I admit, I might've laughed when I saw the lyrics. I'm not trying to put down cancerians, they're very interesting people and very charismatic. I just don't understand them. Also, he's an extreme case. He's had a rough (and I mean rough) go of life. His past really affects his present.
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 with a trail of failed relationships behind him. This comment was very true. He's dated a lot of girls but things only lasted for about a month each time. He went out with one girl for 5 months and she cheated on him. Our relationship was the longest one he's had.
Returning Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Quite simply he thinks the world of you, however it's such a big feeling to him he can't articulate it. You would have to be very calm and comforting and remind him to keep it simple when you ask him how he feels about you, reassure him everythings ok. When he is confronted with the visual of how much he feels for you he also see's how vulnerable he is, how much you could hurt him. Quote: I don't get how he can be super opinnionated (sometimes this is annoying but usually it leads to interesting conversation) and he'll talk for hours about something he's passionate about but when it comes to me, he has nothing to say. I would say at these times he does not want to be talking at all. He feels so much for you and due to the way his gender ticks he would rather be getting 'jiggy' with you, actions speak louder than words and words aren't enough to describe how he feels. However he is fully aware that he is not a sexual predator or some wild beast so he will be repressed and not just rip ye clothes off and get down to it, so his mouth gets engaged and away he goes. If you hit on him at this time he would freak out, if you dropped your skirt and sat in your knickers talking to him he would soon come around, let him come to you, put something in his mouth to shut him up. Quote: He replies by saying that he doesn't know what I'm talking about and then goes on (to firmly plant his foot in his mouth) by saying that he wouldn't be hurt if I broke up with him and that he thinks that our relationship is going to inevitably end. Nice. [He doesn't mean any of this really, it's just what he's saying, a defensive mode] Ahh Cancerians...ever the optimists...NOT. He will always see the downside of any situation immediatly after becoming aware of the upside of the situation. If you could stop his thought process at the point he acknowledges to himself what he really feels for you it would be fine. However his thought process rattles on like a train and is at the next station before you know it...what to him is the logical conclusion. He doesn't mean he wants to break up with you, he will be tortured inside when it happens. He wont show it and will retreat into his shell and apply himself to some worthwhile task. If you can tame him, or get to understand how he ticks and love him for it you will have the best most loyal partner for life, alas it can be like brushing water uphill. He may also have a 28 day cycle, you may have to keep a diary of his moods to identify what happens and in what order but at least once a month for maybe 7 days he wont want to be near anyone or anything and could go completely off physical contact at this time. If you can recognise it and work with it he will adore you, don't tell him about it just observe and take it on board, you'll save yourself a lot of heartache if he does have a 28 rhythm.
Returning Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 The past couple of days his msn name has been "this never happened to Pablo Picasso." You could counter with "This never happened to Andy Warhol" and reproduce the lyrics to 'I'll be your mirror' by the Velvet Underground I'm not suggesting you wet nurse him but you will have to push the right buttons to get onto a level playing field and enable meaningful dialogue, then you can tell him where you stand and he should respect you for it, he may even be in awe of you.
Author LifeinLimbo Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 Thanks for your advice Returning. Your posts have made things clearer. It's almost as if you know my ex. I'm considering your last post but I'm not sure that I'll do it. I've been the one chasing after him the past month and throughout the relationship I've gone out of my way to be understanding. The first 5 months he was very understanding with me and helpful but then he just seemed to retreat into himself. I try to take into account how sensitive he is when I'm talking to him and I've tried to look to his actions rather than his words as an expression of how he feels for me. It didn't feel like so much work until recently. Recently his actions, on the most part, have not been showing me that he cares. If he doesn't tell me that he cares and he's not showing me that he cares, the only conclusion that I can make is that he doesn't.
Returning Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 Hey LifeinLimbo, It's your life honey and you only get one. What will you do if... you decide to go your own way and Cancer realises what he feels for you and persues you? It may happen or it may not, either way be prepared. The main thing is your happiness and as it has been said often, only you can make you happy. I think he really cares for you as he wouldn't be in such a tizz otherwise, have you discussed you leaving in 4 mths? Be true to yourself and if he's not treating you right, drop him, you deserve better.
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