Walk Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 My bf is now pissy with me, and I supposed I understand why, but a large part of me is pissed back at him. My bf got a new crank for his bike, and you have to adjust the derailer so the chain will pop into the different gears again. Bike shop guy was telling my bf about it, and I know (basically) how to adjust them so I let him know it wasn't anything big, we could do it at home. Ok. We get home, he gets the new parts on, goes to adjust the derailer, and it's getting worse and worse. Not that the bike was every adjusted properly to begin with.... but he rides around for 2 minutes, tells me he's done with it. (Basically he had two gears that worked. Out of 18.) I suggest we go for a short ride, just around the block. He says no. Starts going inside. So I started fiddling with it, trying to get it so he could use all gears.... Granted, I screwed it up more before getting it to work correctly, but he got pissy before I got it right. Now he's sulking upstairs. Whatever. The bike works the way it should now. Actually shifts into ALL the gears, not just stuck in the one on the middle. I only did it because I want him to have an enjoyable time riding the bike. If he hates it, then he's never going to want to go with me. To his benefit, I know I hate it when people mess with my stuff, but he said he didn't know how to fix it. I do. He asked for help at the beginning. Am I supposed to just pretend I don't know how to get it to work in order to save his masculinity? Be the stupid girl who don't know nothing bout no mashinary. I fixed mountain bikes for 4 years. Everything on them. It's been a couple years since I've really done much with them, but it just takes a minute to remember how it was done. But I'm the bad guy. Can't tell you how many times I have men take over something from me that I was more then capable of doing myself. But you do it to a guy, and they act like little spoiled children. They pout, scream, get angry.... fine. screw it. I'm just irritated right now. I'm stressed and unhappy with school and life in general. My bf quit his job last Friday, and he's been moody. He's making comments that just piss me the hell off, and I'm supposed to be understanding and shrug them off... And the last two days he's telling me our sex life has been dull for a while now. That I don't put enough effort into it. I don't even want to HAVE sex lately, and I'm still putting everything I have into it. But hell, if I told him how unmotivated towards sex I am right now, then he'd be hurt, and I'd have to soothe his ego. And part of it is because I'm stressed, but a large part is because of these f***ing comments he makes! He was ragging on me for not doing the dishes cause "you only spend 6 hours a week in class". Yeah. Ok... It's really 15/wk, but that doesn't take into consideration the HOURS outside of class. Its friggin' summer semester. 12 chapters of programming in 3 weeks. Guess that's easy for normal people. I'm retarded though. I must be since the instructor treats me like that too. But then the bf says he shouldn't have to do the dishes because he put in 2 years of 90 hour weeks. That he deserves a vacation. I'm going insane! I hate my life right now. Not just a little, I'm really failing to find any value in my life at this moment.
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 Sounds like you need a punching bag! He's acting like a baby. Moody and pouty - So, just let him be so he can go sulk into his pillow.......... Do some yoga or go for a brisk walk to pick up YOUR mood. Don't let his mood ruin your day.
Vertex Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 If it makes you feel any better I can teach you programming in a jiffy -- you wouldn't need to spend a whole bunch of time outside of class In general though it appears that he is a little snappy. I'd be happy that you fixed my bike -- not angry that it was tampered with, especially considering that you have expertise and experience in that area. It wouldn't be like me leaving my bike with a complete newbie who didn't know what she was doing, running the risk of furthering my bike damage with high probability. Not only did you fix his bike but you saved money by not having someone else do it, and you guarantee that the job was done correctly since it was by your own hands. As for the sex, if you are generally unmotivated it is hard to have genuinely good sex. It's "artificial" and not driven by an actual passion, love, or lust, whatever. If your lives are stressful it becomes harder to have a good sex life, but I disagree with the way he handles it. By discrediting your efforts it will only make it worse during times of stress, but realize that during times of stress people are oftentimes illogical and rash, which adds even more stress. "But then the bf says he shouldn't have to do the dishes because he put in 2 years of 90 hour weeks. That he deserves a vacation." You have to give him some credit here though -- those are extremely long hours to work for an extended duration. He is probably frustrated that things aren't going his way, coupled with the job issue, etc. I do not agree with the concept of a man working and leaving it at that -- especially if you stay at home, your day does not end when the man returns from work and neither should his, on that same token. But alas you have class on top of all this and so it would be wise for him to also be understanding of the time you spend doing other things. "Doing the dishes" is a quick and nearly effortless task that should not be the subject of a fight... it's something you both could be doing. Telling someone else to take care of them all the time because it's too much to handle is a little immature in my opinion. It's just something you both should do once in a while. It almost seems like he is acting like a baby, if I may say so, getting mad at you for fixing his bike, sex, and tasks around the house deriving from time spent not working. It sounds like a lot of his moodiness comes from his work -- that work stress can do a number on the other aspects of things. I think it might get better as the summer comes near a close and he finds another job that is not so hour-intensive. I don't have enough information about your background to make an accurate prediction but it just seems like it's in a stress-slump -- such things are usually resolved with time and patience. You both need to be empathetic to each other and understand that you are both busy people. Speaking to each other calmly will do more than stupid comments, which your bf needs to cut out. If he's moody, tell him to take it out on something else (exercise perhaps etc) because you'd rather alleviate the stress and not add to it. Sex can also be a good way to alleviate things if it's actually done for the right reasons. Just keep a level head and try to get through to him with reason. Let him pout and whine if he absolutely cannot help it, as it'll diminish soon enough anyhow.
Art_Critic Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 I've always felt that you need to have a knock out drag out with him and get it all out in the open.. you both seem to go thru these phases.. It seems that something underneath the surface that neither of you talk about causes the little flare-ups you guys have.. Don't make excuses for his piss-poor behavior towards you..
Author Walk Posted June 9, 2006 Author Posted June 9, 2006 I wanna try to give as unbiased an account of this as possible. Can you respond and tell me if I was to the ass in all this? Maybe I'm just being defensive because I don't want to be wrong, and an unbiased opinion might help. So I explained about getting the parts on the bike. He rode the bike around for a bit, says he can't get it into fourth gear. I didn't know what to tell him, so I just said "really?" He rides around a bit more. Stops, says something about how that's good enough, or something along those lines. He lets me try it out. Like I said, wouldn't shift into most the gears. I was fussing with it. Then he says, "I had it the way I wanted." Then he goes inside. I follow him inside, but he won't say anything to me. Nothing. He sits on the couch. Not a word. 20 minutes of this, and then he says he's going to take a nap. So he wakes up, and STILL won't talk to me. I ask how his nap was. He says it wasn't that good. Then nothing. Nothing at all. He calls his buddy on the phone and they talk for a few minutes. He hangs up, and then silence. Then he starts searching for a DVD, and he spends 15 minutes looking for a specific one. Still not saying anything. Then he puts the DVD in and starts watching it. The silent treatment PISSES me off!!!!!! Seriously. I wanted to hit him. So I left with out saying anything and slammed the door on my way out. Now I feel like I sunk to his level, but I'm so friggin' pissed off right now! Am I over reacting to this? I guess I shouldn't have touched his bike and just let him deal with it the way it was. Should I just swallow my anger and apologize for touching his bike?
Nur Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 He doesn't even sound mature enough to be in a relationship. I am surprised you put up with stupid, sophomorish things like the "silent treatment." Even though I am only nineteen, I am old enough to know that in mature relationships you talk about problems. You don't stonewall your partner. Like an earlier poster, I think there must be some underlying cause. Either that, or he is just using you to vent out his stress. This whole thing needs a serious talk between you two. And if he continues to deal with his problems by walling you out or snapping at you, I think you deserve a guy of better quality.
Vertex Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Nur, 19? Where can I find girls as mature as you are? Haha
kitten chick Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 You have another year before he can retire or at least take a long break from working. Can you live like this for another year? I hate seeing you go through this over and over again. Can you guys maybe sit down and figure out your other options? Maybe him finding a different job for the year, one that is less stressful or getting conflict resolution help. Honestly, there's part of me that wishes you would just up and leave him because I can't even imagine you being in a situation that would make you less happy. You're such an amazing person, I wish you had someone who appreciated you.
Author Walk Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 Like an earlier poster, I think there must be some underlying cause. Either that, or he is just using you to vent out his stress. This whole thing needs a serious talk between you two. And if he continues to deal with his problems by walling you out or snapping at you, I think you deserve a guy of better quality. Yeah. Art_Critic and you have it right about the underlying issue. On both sides. I get so mad because everytime he gets upset about something, I have to force him to say something about what's bothering him. Feel like I'm either playing 20 questions to get the answer, or if I do think I understand whats bothering him then he gets mad when I attempt to explain myself, he says I'm justifying my actions, or I'm telling him he's screwed up. I spent an hour just sitting in my car last night trying to calm down enough about the "silent treatment" to talk to him rationally. I go inside thinking maybe we can talk about things like adults. He was in the bedroom (door shut) and about 15 minutes later comes out fully dressed and getting ready to walk out the door. Completely undid all the time I spent attempting to calm down. He didn't say a single word the entire time, and was opening the door to leave. Then I again, had to force him to talk. So then he tells me he isn't giving me the silent treatment. He just has nothing to say. And he got fed up waiting for me to talk to him, and that's why he put the DVD in. Even though both my attempts were met with one word responses. And it made him upset that I left earlier and only said I'd be back. He slept on the couch last night, then left about an hour ago without leaving a note or saying a word. Which is normal. At one point last night (he was still standing next to the door), he was telling me I was making it out that he was to blame. I explained again (very upset) that it was only about the silent treatment. Then he says in this tightly controlled, about to blow up voice, "sweatheart... you know I love you but....." Frankly, the only times I've heard him say these two things while in the heat of an argument are when he suggests we break up. So I was extremely defensive. I asked if he felt this was all my fault. He justs says f*** it and walks out. This is bunk, because if I want to work this out, then he's going to use this against me later. ("Remember how you broke my bike and then got pissed at me for being upset?") Because he doesn't understand how insulting and infuriating the silent treatment is, and he doesn't feel he's doing it. So it must be me blowing things out of proportion, again. f*** it. THis is so retarded. This week he compared me to a house with scaffolding holding up the stucco walls of the house. I have no idea what he was getting at, but why the hell would I want to have my appearance compared to a house that is falling apart?? He tells me to work harder at making him aroused, and when I do, he tells me he doesn't feel like having sex. That he has too much on his mind. I have to ask permission to do things for or with him, he just does them. Then if I get upset he says that I wanted him to, and he did it all for me so I'm not being appreciative of it. @#$%^&*()_+%$#@!!
Sapiens Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Because he doesn't understand how insulting and infuriating the silent treatment is, and he doesn't feel he's doing it. Yes, he doesn't understand. Us men work just fine without talking, for some reason women do not understand this.
Author Walk Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 Yes, he doesn't understand. Us men work just fine without talking, for some reason women do not understand this. Fine. If I don't talk, then I'm the bad guy. If he doesn't talk, it's ok cause he's a man. by the way, he left this morning at 8, and he's been gone for several hours with no note and no word of where he went. I have a feeling he went for a road trip with his buddy. but he's a guy... so i'm wrong for being upset. I'm wrong for everything. all me. f***ing bike finally works right, and I get the silent treatment.
Touche Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Fine. If I don't talk, then I'm the bad guy. If he doesn't talk, it's ok cause he's a man. by the way, he left this morning at 8, and he's been gone for several hours with no note and no word of where he went. I have a feeling he went for a road trip with his buddy. but he's a guy... so i'm wrong for being upset. I'm wrong for everything. all me. f***ing bike finally works right, and I get the silent treatment. No, it's not you. And didn't you say once that he leaves and doesn't usually leave a note? And that that didn't bother you? (Not sure if that was you or not.) I still say that's weird. And to disappear for so long without a word. Weird and very inconsiderate. He sounds like an ass frankly. I wouldn't tolerate it.
Art_Critic Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Why do you think it is that when you 2 have a disagreement that someone bolts ? That doesn't resolve anything if he leaves and the issue doesn't get hashed out. You both have a terrible method of communicating.. I think he treats you like crap and you call him on it.. then he reacts in such a manner as to shut you out because you called him on his BS.. You accept this and then think it is you that is wrong.. He has done this to women before..this is how an abusive man deals with fights.. blame shifting And when direct blame shifting doesn't work he does the silent treatment to shift the blame..
Touche Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Why do you think it is that when you 2 have a disagreement that someone bolts ? That doesn't resolve anything if he leaves and the issue doesn't get hashed out. You both have a terrible method of communicating.. I think he treats you like crap and you call him on it.. then he reacts in such a manner as to shut you out because you called him on his BS.. You accept this and then think it is you that is wrong.. He has done this to women before..this is how an abusive man deals with fights.. blame shifting And when direct blame shifting doesn't work he does the silent treatment to shift the blame.. Art, you're spot on on this. I know because my ex was just like that. That was his M.O. too. It really IS a form of abuse. And he WAS abusive on many levels. But he'd do this same thing. Walk, he's an abusive controller. Is that what you want for yourself. This is NOT a healthy relationship at all. Sure there are good times but the bad will not make the good worth it. It gets worse too. If you continue to allow it that is.
Nur Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 From an article... Signs That You Are Being Abused *twists the truth to make you feel you are to blame for your partner's actions *frequently humiliates you or making you feel unworthy (for example, if a partner puts you down but tells you that he or she loves you) *tries to control different aspects of your life, such as how you dress, what you do, who you hang out with, and what you say I think Art is right; sounds like emotional abuse. He is not acting rationally at all. If you do make a decision to leave, make sure you stick to it -- he will probably try his best to get you back, but only fall back into old habits. And if he doesn't try, then he honestly didn't care much about you anyway. Either way, I am tempted to think that you may be happier and better off without him. No one deserves to have to put up with such unhappiness.
Author Walk Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 No, it's not you. And didn't you say once that he leaves and doesn't usually leave a note? And that that didn't bother you? (Not sure if that was you or not.) I still say that's weird. And to disappear for so long without a word. Weird and very inconsiderate. I don't know if I said it didn't bother me. I might have. This bothers me because usually he calls an hour or so later and asks me to join him somewhere for a bit. For breakfast or lunch or a cup of coffee. Kind of a peace offering on his part. No call, no note, no word this time. And if he did go out of state, that bothers me even more. how hard is it to send a text saying "going to X, be back tonight."? Why do you think it is that when you 2 have a disagreement that someone bolts ? That doesn't resolve anything if he leaves and the issue doesn't get hashed out. You both have a terrible method of communicating.. I think he treats you like crap and you call him on it.. then he reacts in such a manner as to shut you out because you called him on his BS.. You accept this and then think it is you that is wrong.. He has done this to women before..this is how an abusive man deals with fights.. blame shifting And when direct blame shifting doesn't work he does the silent treatment to shift the blame.. I didn't used to be this way. I get so irritated that I have to beg him to talk to me, and then I get to listen to hours of him talking about what I did wrong. It's not like we resolve anything to his satisfaction. I can say I'm sorry, explain how I understand exactly what he's upset about, and see where I caused that, admit my fault in all of it without mentioning another word about what I was upset about., or addressing any one of my complaints/problems.. and he'll still say nothings been resolved. I'll promise to never do whatever it was again (and I keep those promises), yet he still doesn't feel it resolves anything. I ask what he wants me to do, he'll say he doesn't know. Then he'll shut me out for hours until he decides he will forgive me and then later he'll bring it up like he had to make this huge sacrifice and how he's the only one comprimising in this relationship. And how whatever I was upset about was only to shift the blame back to him because I knew I was wrong and couldn't just admit it. he told me last night that if i wanted to say something, to write a letter and mail it. I guess I'll do that. If nothing else, just to get it off my chest so I can focus on my school work.
Outcast Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Oh we have spent hours trying to persuade Walk that this guy mistreats her and that she should grab her pride and get away from him. But still she stays.
p8riot7 Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 WALK, several of the members have hit the nail on the head. This guy is prototypically emotionally abusive whether either of you realize it or not. IMO, you need to get out of that relationship as quickly and calmly as you can. If you allow this to continue, you will be wasting your time and emotions only to finally get fed up with it years later. We, as the members writing to you, are speaking as the voices of experience. "Good judgement come from experience, and experience comes from bad judgement."
DarkDwarf Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Your Boyfriend is acting like I do when something doesn't go my way. Tell him to stop sulking.
brightskies Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 Hi Walk, It sounds like you're both having communication problems and it's being compounded by the fact that you're both under a lot of stress right now. Quitting his job and trying to find a new one is probably weighing on his mind right now, and your schoolwork's weighing on yours (among other things). May I ask why you're so hooked on this man who seems to give you more headaches than happiness? This is LS and maybe you just vent more than you share your good news, but I'd just like to get a more rounded picture. From what I remember of your previous posts, you're living with him and he's financially supporting you while you're in school, is that right? His comments about how he expects you to do more housework is probably connected to that; he feels like you OWE him more, even if you have other responsibilities. This isn't necessarily fair or right -- especially if he offered to help you out. And I know that you do pull your weight --- you pay some of the bills and handle a lot of other work or chores around the house. Have you tried talking to him about his silent treatment, walking out, and constant blaming when you're both not heated? It's best to discuss and negotiate when you're both calmer and in a better mood. One of the worst times to talk, I've found, is when you're both at the peak of anger.
Author Walk Posted June 11, 2006 Author Posted June 11, 2006 It sounds like you're both having communication problems and it's being compounded by the fact that you're both under a lot of stress right now. I agree. And I'm touchier than I probably should be about anything I perceive as being ignored because that is how my professors are treating me this semester. So instead of taking a deep breath and taking it on myself to start the conversation, I refused to even initiate talking, then got more and more upset he wasn't starting it. May I ask why you're so hooked on this man who seems to give you more headaches than happiness? This is LS and maybe you just vent more than you share your good news, but I'd just like to get a more rounded picture. He keeps his promises. He comprimises. And if I say "I need", then it's done. No questions asked. Even if it causes him immense discomfort.There are a million reasons I choose to stay. I could give you lists and lists of great things that would make most women on here wish their SO's would even once do those things, and yet my bf will do them frequently. He brings me coffee upstairs while I'm studying, and refills it during the evening. He makes me breakfast and dinners, because he knows I hate to cook. He will spend his last dollar on me if I so much as hint that I kind of want something. He suggests we go visit my parents, even though he's uncomfortable around them. In between classes he'll bring me coffee, or food, if I say I'm tired or hungry. But most importantly, he wants to change how we handle disagreements and problems in communications. It wasn't me saying we had to change this. He brought it up without me saying anything along those lines. He asks for my thoughts, opinions and ideas on how to create a healthier relationship. How to improve on the areas we're having problems in. That's invaluable to me. A man who is willing to work to make the relationship better. Someone who realizes that there's something wrong, and is actively seeking a solution, not just hiding his head under the covers until it all goes away. From what I remember of your previous posts, you're living with him and he's financially supporting you while you're in school, is that right? His comments about how he expects you to do more housework is probably connected to that; he feels like you OWE him more, even if you have other responsibilities. This isn't necessarily fair or right -- especially if he offered to help you out. And I know that you do pull your weight --- you pay some of the bills and handle a lot of other work or chores around the house. I was upset about this. Sometimes feel he doesn't understand how difficult the college classes are. Or rather, how hard they are for me. To his credit, he's been cooking all the meals. Have you tried talking to him about his silent treatment, walking out, and constant blaming when you're both not heated? It's best to discuss and negotiate when you're both calmer and in a better mood. One of the worst times to talk, I've found, is when you're both at the peak of anger. We talked a little last night about this. In a more rational manner. He doesn't understand how it's punishment toward me. He said he was willing to talk if I had wanted to talk to him, but that he didn't have anything to say at the time. He was confused as to what was making him so upset, and why I would just grab his bike and start messing with it, and he didn't want to start a discussion when he didn't understand his thoughts and feelings. I tried a few different ways to get him to understand how it wasn't pleasant to be around him when he's like that. That he's withholding as a form of punishment. He didn't understand it. I don't know how to explain how it makes me feel, so I don't think I did a very good job communicating why I feel its punishment. He said he realizes I don't like it, but doesn't know what he's supposed to do if he gets in a situation like that. I didn't have any answers for that.
Sapiens Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 Art, you're spot on on this. I know because my ex was just like that. That was his M.O. too. It really IS a form of abuse. And he WAS abusive on many levels. But he'd do this same thing. Walk, he's an abusive controller. Boo hoo, the man doesn't feel he has anything to say and now he is an abusive controller? Give me a break! Why is it that women need to "talk" about everything without first giving it some though as to what they are going to say? They talk and talk hoping that by talking they will find the solution. I seem to relate to this guy and my feeling is that you wish he was pussified. Give the guy a break. -Sapiens
Art_Critic Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 Why is it that women need to "talk" about everything without first giving it some though as to what they are going to say? They talk and talk hoping that by talking they will find the solution. I seem to relate to this guy and my feeling is that you wish he was pussified. So you believe that ignoring and the silent treatment is how you communicate in a relationship ? Is this also how you Handle your women ? I grew up in a household where my Dad would use the silent treatment on his wife and kids.. I had seen him not talk to his wife for 30 days.. and he would go weeks sometimes without talking to me .. And I worked with him.. The silent treatment isn't about love.. is is about power and control and abuse Let me tell you.. even today 20 years after his death his kids still feel the pain
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 The silent treatment isn't about love.. is is about power and control and abuse It IS a form of punishment. And the silence also means "you're not worthy of talking to". The silent treatment is intentional, cruel and a hurtful thing to do to someone. Only those who have issues themselves to do this to others.
Recommended Posts