mountain mover Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 My ex-husband of 4 months, filed for divorce, with really no valid reason. The divorce process, took six months to go thru. Thru this process, he kept spending time, and making efforts as if we were going to reconcile, which includes, family trips, (with our daughter), Saturday, and Sunday activities, and many nights going back and forth, spending the night at each other's homes. (in which sex was involved). Because I live in a state, that has a no-fault divorce law, only one of us had to agree to one, and he was the one that stated the marriage was irretrievably broken. As soon as the proceedings were over, I made a decision not to carry on as we had through the proceedings, and live my life. In the interim, he kept calling, emailing, and crying about how, he was going to wait on me to stop being upset, as if we were going to work toward reconciliation. 3 weeks later, I decide ok, because I am just broken inside. We try to get it back, but hurt overtakes me. I now have a grip, and he pulls away. I believe that there has always been interference of another woman (dont know who though). I believe we could reconcile, if he was true to himself, but he just will be honest and open enough to advance to that step. Because I have known him over 15 years, and had been married to him only 6 of these years, I didnt want to throw away all that invested time, love, etc. What should I do?
amaysngrace Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 I think you should move on with your life without him. Six years is nothing really, compared to some marriages. You were in the 'early stages' when he filed for divorce, IMO. I would just say good-bye, thanks for the memories, and definitely no more SEX w/ the EX!! Be strong and good luck!
Pink Amulet Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I can almost hear the pain in your words. You seem lovely. My mother left my father when he started to hurt her and become unfaithful. I am so glad. Although I remember a change in my mother over the proceeding year (sadness) it soon began to disolve and this new women emerged. She was strong and independent and watching her made me so proud that she didn't stay in an unhappy marriage because it was easier at the time. Turns out although she once loved my father deeply, she says it was the best decision she ever made. I think it taught me a little something I will soon be putting in to practice too.... Do it for your daughter, do it for yourself. Keep up your strength. P.S You seem the type to move mountains too
binevrywear Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 As a man who was in a similar situation with a girlfriend once - broke up with her but then kept on sleeping with her, and asking for her back - for your own sake, just move on. Sex with your ex is just prolonging the inevitable.
riobikini Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 MM, I understand the value of 'time' that you have pointed out, -and I understand clearly the kind of 'investment' you are referring to: one that involves all those happier memories of time shared and love being grown and built upon. But the weight of all that invested time, emotion, and the many memories can shift, unexpectedly, and all of it slide rather quickly down a narrow, dark spiralling hole, that had actually been quietly developing for some time as, at least, one or both of the partners began to take each other for granted. Taking someone for granted is, actually, a very easy thing to do, -especially, when there is at least one extremely *reliable* partner in the relationship. Over time, human behavior patterns become, well expected -and boring. And being 'reliable' and 'trustworthy', -although they are initially, desirable and looked-for traits -seems to be a sitting target for being taken for granted. I could go much deeper, here, and give my own take on how we have changed (to me, in great error) as a people who have regressed in our evolution regarding the ability to recognize the importance of relationships and the components of them, -but this post would then become something this forum was never designed to be: a chapter book. (Smile) So I'll simplify things and begin my closure with this: if this marriage died due to boredom, lack of romance, and/or taking one another for granted, it becomes a tragedy, but a common one, and you have my fullest, most sincere sympathy. But if it died because of more serious reasons, or had progressed from simple boredom to your husband having an affair and making the decision to divorce, my first thoughts are that the prime time to have *done something* about it, -like reviving it- has long since past, and if you think you can find reasonable peace and happiness without him, let things just 'be'. Marriage -or any- similar relationship *cannot* survive, lending any worthwhile effort and meaning, without *both* partners willing -and sincerely *wanting* to make it work. That's where so many get confused on these boards: they get hung up on wanting someone (chasing) who does not recognize, nor even respect them as a human being worth their time, effort, or healthy emotions, and it's almost always someone who does not seem to view them as very *intelligent*, or 'on their level' of cleverness in the first place -only available physically (sexually), and certainly emotionally vulnerable. That's the kind of disrespectful mindset towards relationships -especially romantic ones- that I referred to earlier that seems to be par for the course for absolute rolling masses, in our current life and times. MM, when some walks away, does a 'cut and run' action with little or no concern for who they are hurting, or dribbles at length around the hole, so to speak, waffling on renewing commitment regarding involvement with a trusting, loving partner they have known well and spent much time with, they are showing something very obvious and disturbing to me -they're showing some of the worst of their character: arrogance, disrespect of partnership commitments (including infidelity) and the roles they are associated with, selfishness, pride, insecurity and fear, and a host of other undesirable traits, -not to mention plain, outright foolishness. If even a handful of these traits have a strong enough foothold, there is little you can do to re-connect with your ex-husband emotionally, in a way that would provide any true promise of re-building a strong, healthy, meaningful relationship: he's the one with the problem(s), -you and your daughter are now having to deal with *his*, perhaps, mal-formed decision(s). *But it's 'do-able'.* And many (before you) have learned they can function just fine with the hand of time doing it's normal thing: just ticking away, assisting with the physical, emotional, and financial changes that will inevitably begin to occur in you and your daughter's new life ahead-if you let them. MM, take a look at the thread links that I have posted to you at the bottom of this page, -they should give you some comfort in just knowing that you aren't quite alone in your dilema. And let go of this thing -don't make it an obsession- before it robs you of *even more* than you were willing to part with when your husband left you and your daughter in the beginning. *Looking back is only worth it, if there's someone looking back at you.* Take care. Hugs because you need them. (Smile) -Rio Here are the links I promised (hope they work) -read thru the original posts and subsequent reponses. They might just be some of the 'good medicine' you need right now. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=818552#post818552 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90697/
cheyenne Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 My ex-husband of 4 months, filed for divorce, with really no valid reason. The divorce process, took six months to go thru. Thru this process, he kept spending time, and making efforts as if we were going to reconcile, which includes, family trips, (with our daughter), Saturday, and Sunday activities, and many nights going back and forth, spending the night at each other's homes. (in which sex was involved). Because I live in a state, that has a no-fault divorce law, only one of us had to agree to one, and he was the one that stated the marriage was irretrievably broken. As soon as the proceedings were over, I made a decision not to carry on as we had through the proceedings, and live my life. In the interim, he kept calling, emailing, and crying about how, he was going to wait on me to stop being upset, as if we were going to work toward reconciliation. 3 weeks later, I decide ok, because I am just broken inside. We try to get it back, but hurt overtakes me. I now have a grip, and he pulls away. I believe that there has always been interference of another woman (dont know who though). I believe we could reconcile, if he was true to himself, but he just will be honest and open enough to advance to that step. Because I have known him over 15 years, and had been married to him only 6 of these years, I didnt want to throw away all that invested time, love, etc. What should I do? hay confused your not alone ive been with mey man for 23 years and drug abuse has been there off and on for both of us, now that im clean and loving it he got clean but relapsed now he says he wants me out of his life its breaking my heart thank god no children are involved im really confused because i know that the drugs are talking for him. what do i do?????????
Author mountain mover Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 My ex accepted a job, that is 5 hours away. While I am happy for him, no mention, about my daughter, and what we will do as far as visitation. He has been asking my opinion from the time he desired to put the application in, until his acceptance of the job 5 hours away. I am not sure If I should read anything into that, but he will be gone for good the beginning of August. While this is very new to me, I have some anxiety over this. Not one time, abandoned, but now two times. Help. What will my daughter think?, What should I do? My love is still there for him, and it seems as if he doesnt care. HELP!!!!
Recommended Posts