electric_sheep Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 My girlfriend (we have been dating for around 8 months now) still chats and sends e-mails to a guy she met online about a year ago. The thing is, she has told me this guy is/has been interested in going out with her. In fact, she considered the idea of meeting him and going on a date with him before she met me. She told me he is crazy about her and would drop everything to go out with her. Now he sends her a message every now and then to see how she is doing. The thought occured to me while I was driving to work ... he doesn't send her a message every now and then to see how SHE is doing, he sends her a message to see how WE are doing. Me and her. This guy is waiting patiently in the wings. Then I thought to myself ... why does she still talk to this guy ? I think part of it is boredom (a big part), but the idea hit me that this guy is sort of a "backup guy". She may not even consciously realize this is why she keeps talking to him, but on some level I bet that is one part of it. What do you think ? I got sort of pissed off thinking about it this morning. Anyway ... there is nothing I can do about it really. I don't believe in telling others what to do or not do. It just made me a tad less secure in our relationship. Sort of created a little emotional distance on my side. Am I paranoid ? Or is there some truth in my analysis of the situation ?
basscatcher Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 Speaking for myself and a bunch of my unmarried girlfriends. I have male contacts that I have some interest in. I keep in touch with them on occassion to see how they are doing in their relationships and they see how I am doing in mine. We have attraction and interest in one another but the timing is wrong. I look at them as "what-ifs", "maybe's", "back-ups" if the timing falls into place. We don't have constant contact just occasional. I have a few guys I am in repetitive contact with but haven't connected with them---YET.. I'm not racing to hook-up with these guys.. If it happens it happens. When I'm involved with someone I keep my contacts but not close.. Every 5-6 months or so to connect to see how we are doing. When I'm involved with someone I don't make contact the other guys make contact with me. If I should ever get engaged or married or live with a guy I will even sever more contact with the other men for the simple fact the more secure I am in a relationship the less of a safety net I need. I think most of us do this even without realizing it. Its natural to find people attractive, interesting and intreguing but when your seriously involved with someone you need to keep the boundries in check and loyalties where they belong. I have gfs who have several men as 'back-ups' if things should fall into place with them. I have several gfs who mess around with several regular guys because they aren't committed to any of them. Should they become exclusive with one man they stop all contact with the others.
Author electric_sheep Posted June 9, 2006 Author Posted June 9, 2006 Should they become exclusive with one man they stop all contact with the others. This is the way I have always been. I had a few "possibilities" lingering out there when I met my current gf, but I havn't spoken with any of them since I became serious with her. I think the reasons I don't need a backup are: 1) I'm fine being single, and 2) I don't like continuing with what I consider superficial relationships ... I'd rather spend my time other ways. I think I'd feel more comfortable if the guy was a ligitimate friend. She's never met him in person, and only knows him from a dating site. As you (sort of) imply, it's as if she feels like she needs a safety net. Which makes me think she doesn't feel secure in the relationship, which of course makes me feel less secure.
ronnieromance Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 As on sites like webdate, where you'll often see many more contacts on a woman's page than a man's, so it is in the real world. Power of the P. I think a really good number of women use this consciously. The rest by nature. :D Hey, be glad you're not your girl's backup guy. If it bothers you, get a couple of backup girls. She'll figure out why in a hurry. If not, chalk it up to estrogen. -R-
Cecelius Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 Basically, she's saying that she's only kind of your girlfriend... Seriously, I happen to think this is completely not acceptable. Having male friends is one thing, having male friends who CLEARLY have an interest and are just waiting around to swoop in is not. That is like putting your hand in the lion's cage. If this emailing goes on, what happens when they want to meet? What would you say? Theres a lot of ways to handle it. Ronnie's is a good one, or you could offer that the three of you get together and then just make the dope look like he's a desparate chump waiting for the scraps (oh, wait, he is), or you could just dump her and let her know you don't think this behavior is in your picture. Either way, be cool about it. The more jealous you look the better he looks
basscatcher Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 This is the way I have always been. I had a few "possibilities" lingering out there when I met my current gf, but I havn't spoken with any of them since I became serious with her. I think the reasons I don't need a backup are: 1) I'm fine being single, and 2) I don't like continuing with what I consider superficial relationships ... I'd rather spend my time other ways. I think I'd feel more comfortable if the guy was a ligitimate friend. She's never met him in person, and only knows him from a dating site. As you (sort of) imply, it's as if she feels like she needs a safety net. Which makes me think she doesn't feel secure in the relationship, which of course makes me feel less secure. Only she knows why she is having contact with other men. She may say they are just friends which I believe could be ligit but I personally don't believe a man and a woman can have just a platonic friendship. I beleive one or both have an attraction to the other. This isn't implying that they will act upon that attraction. I think women are more cautious in general then men to trust a relationship. We do have a lot of estrogen flooding our bodies typically and it does keep us more on a emotional level. When a commitment is presented and it is genuine and sincere I believe she will dump all her male correspondences from her regular communcaitons database. Don't take her talking to men as a sign of your worth.. As ronnieromance said at least YOU aren't her backup guy. Also, if she isn't constantly in contact with him he may just be a occasional acquaintance for a man's point of view for advice. Maybe about you. She could be asking him for suggestions regard how to talk, act, or to understand you.. I come to LS and look for mens opinions because they are different from most women would say. If he is a online contact it may well be innocent and just her looking for a male perspective on things. Don't base YOUR self worth on a woman..
Sevenmack Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 ^The problem with that is that the two have been dating for eight months. Not eight days or eight weeks, but eight months of spending what should be increasing amounts of time together. By this point, either one knows the relationship is going to work out at least for another year (if not marriage) or not. So all the conversations with other gentlemen callers, as they used to be described back in the day, should have ceased. It's hard to tell whether he's a gentleman caller or not. The best way to find out is to ask her to include you on their IM and e-mails. After all, if he's just a friend, then neither of them will mind having you around. If she balks, then it tells you that perhaps while you're not the backup, you're not exactly the main squeeze either. And if that's not what you want, then you shouldn't be involved with her. So you might need to sit down with the lady (since calling her "your girl" doesn't seem to match reality at this point) and find out where your relationship stands because at this point, either you're the only guy in the picture or your not. If you're not, then you'll have to make your own decisions, be it add your own set of [female] callers, ask her to cut him loose or dump her and move on.
Buttaflyy Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I really don't think you have anything to worry about. He as a man who is interested in her may be in fact checking up on you guys. But as long as she respects your relationship you shouldn't worry about it. She seems to be pretty open with you so you have no reason to question her motive. Also, she could have been with him instead of you from the beginning. As long as you maintain your relationship with her don't worry about the other guy. As long as she continues to respect your relationship you should be fine.
amerikajin Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 The thought occured to me while I was driving to work ... he doesn't send her a message every now and then to see how SHE is doing, he sends her a message to see how WE are doing. Me and her. This guy is waiting patiently in the wings. I think that's a fair assessment here. She may not even consciously realize this is why she keeps talking to him, but on some level I bet that is one part of it. I think that women (especially) like to keep 'options'. My theory on that is women choose initially the guy they want, and the guy has to go through a lot of screening initially. But the deeper a couple goes into a relationship, men tend to feel more secure in a relationship than women do - that's been my experience anyway. I think that's why women will keep options but will get very insecure and outright possessive if a man tries to do the same. It's not necessarily fair, but that's the way it is. Regardless, as a man, you have to keep the upper hand in the relationship. The moment she thinks that she has you in her firm grasp and, at the same time, she has another option that she has become interested in, you become expendable. It's a bad combination. You can handle this a couple of ways: 1) The direct approach: You could tell her straight up that you're feeling a little uneasy about it Unfortunately, not only will she probably not care, you have just given her ammunition she can use against you. 'You're too controlling.' or 'You're jealous.' Neither of which you want to hear her say in an argument. So I think you've taken the right approach. Don't ever complain about a perceived slight on her end. Instead, take matters into your own hands first, and then have a talk if SHE starts to have a problem with what you're doing. I see no reason why you can't register and meet a few people for some 'casual friendships' and proceed to tell her about it. Wonder what her reaction would be...
mental_traveller Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 My girlfriend (we have been dating for around 8 months now) still chats and sends e-mails to a guy she met online about a year ago. The thing is, she has told me this guy is/has been interested in going out with her. In fact, she considered the idea of meeting him and going on a date with him before she met me. She told me he is crazy about her and would drop everything to go out with her. Now he sends her a message every now and then to see how she is doing. The thought occured to me while I was driving to work ... he doesn't send her a message every now and then to see how SHE is doing, he sends her a message to see how WE are doing. Me and her. This guy is waiting patiently in the wings. Then I thought to myself ... why does she still talk to this guy ? I think part of it is boredom (a big part), but the idea hit me that this guy is sort of a "backup guy". She may not even consciously realize this is why she keeps talking to him, but on some level I bet that is one part of it. What do you think ? I got sort of pissed off thinking about it this morning. Anyway ... there is nothing I can do about it really. I don't believe in telling others what to do or not do. It just made me a tad less secure in our relationship. Sort of created a little emotional distance on my side. Am I paranoid ? Or is there some truth in my analysis of the situation ? You're not paranoid. You are, however, acting like a wuss. Tell your gf in no uncertain terms that she's not to speak with, email, IM chat, or phone this guy ever again, if she wants to be with you. I don't understand why men are happy to let women act this way (or vice versa). Stop being a doormat and act like a man. P.S. I should add that you can only do this if you are prepared to dump her if she refuses. If you aren't, then my "wuss" comment applies again.
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