Fun2BMe Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 RealBroken, I think it depends on who breaks up with who. If I break up with a guy, then it means I am no longer in love with him. Once a girl falls out of love, it's like winning the lottery to get back the in-love feeling for her. If he breaks up, and if the girl is still in love with him, it could be just as difficult as what any guy or person experiences and takes a long time to heal. Sometimes when a guy breaks up with me, it might be the way he did it or what he said, it could be anything that is over the limit that could trigger the falling out of love. That is a good thing because it helps me to get over him. Once I am in that zone, there is no looking back no matter what. Once a guy I was in love with broke up with me. I begged him to take me back and it worked. I on the other hand, have never taken a guy back even when they have gone over the top and done things to try to win me back. It's just no longer a consideration once a girl falls out of love in most cases. I shouldn't generalize, this is in my situation but there are a lot of girls who would agree with me.
RealBroken Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 Yep i understand what ur saying Just ........ bit confusing sometimes. My girl broke up with me..... but then kept sendin messages saying that even though she had broken it off, she was finding it really hard and really missing me... and said "i guess no one ever said it was gonna be easy" she would also say goodnight nite after nite. I'm guessig she broke up with other reasons apart from wasnt in love anymore???
Fun2BMe Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 I'm guessig she broke up with other reasons apart from wasnt in love anymore??? Was that the reason she gave you, that she was no longer in love?
allina Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 My girl broke up with me..... but then kept sendin messages saying that even though she had broken it off, she was finding it really hard and really missing me... and said "i guess no one ever said it was gonna be easy" she would also say goodnight nite after nite. My ex was doing the same thing to me, since we broke up a week ago, it does not mean he wants me back. It only fueled my emotions and crazyness, so I had to tell him to just let me be for a while. I don't know if there is even anything of value I can say to you because I'm a total mess right now, but he sayd the same stuff as your ex.
Fun2BMe Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 To make sense out of it, keep in mind that since they broke up with you, that they are not hurting like you. They are the ones choosing to end the relationship. If they call or email, they are not hurt and emotional because they are ok with the decision that THEY made. You are the one hurting and so for them to contact you only makes things worse on you which is why you have to either ignore all contact (why I would change my number) or else flat out tell them to not contact you and hope that they will listen. They can't break up but expect to chat like old times because that was what they were used to. They have to realize things have changed completely. If you respond to their contact, you are fullfilling their needs at the expense of healing yourself. The first step to heal is to cut contact. The part not easy for them is cutting a routine. If every night they would call or text, now they are not supposed to do it anymore so it is "hard." For you, the heartbreak is the hard part. They are not making it easier on your heart as it is. By you helping them to cope with their routine by responding, you are helping them with that issue they have, but in the process hurting yourself even more. It's bad enough they broke up with you. You have no obligation to help THEM deal with the new status by still keeping in touch with them. It will only postpone your healing. In the meantime, they could start dating someone else and stop contacting you, at which time you will have to start healing and it will be even harder to start the healing process if you wait until they stop contacting you because then you have to deal with them being with someone else too.
Author donpepot Posted June 11, 2006 Author Posted June 11, 2006 Did you not go out with this girl for long, or were you still quite young? well it was about 2yrs ago ..shes my girlfriend for about 6 months then..
RealBroken Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 no she never said i dnt love you. In fact on our last meeting she said i love you. We takled on phone at the breakup, she cried. We talked about 1 1/2 weeks later she cried again. I dont think i know the real reasons. We...especially SHE talked of our future. We then had a month of issues,,,,dissagreements,.... and she went sour. Think she all of a sudden thought is this right. She would prob have a complex about it coz her mum had an affair and left her dad and she dis owned her mum..... she has this thing that for marriage,.. things need to be a fairytale. I think it was lack of experience in relationships and her age. We'll meet again, its unavoidable, wld like to be LC frineds just so it wont be difficult. Hey maybe its not all over. Who knows. I also know her friends made it very difficult for her. We lived in different towns at that stage. Her flatmates were extremely jealous and told her over and over that they thought i was possesive because I was always spending my time with her..... thing is, SHE CHOSE to spend all her time WITH ME too. I think they made it very difficult in the end, and she just got very down. Started arguing with her friends, and prob scared of losing them. She wont be around them anymore for good in a few months as she's moving back to my home town We'll see what happens. Maybe nothin or maybe not
supersonic Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 hey everybody, wonder if any of you can give me a bit of advice, this thread seems relevant... my g/f and i broke up at uni about 6 months ago, we were living together, even after the break up, which was awkward to say the least. most of the time i was 'in control', acted like i didn't care, was genuinely happy sometimes, and she would come and talk to me and be friendly. however, the morning i left to come home for summer (wednesday 7th) i broke down in front of her, and said i loved her, which sort of damaged her perceptions of me, if you get what i mean. haven't spoken to her since, we're 200 miles apart, how do i get 'back on top' and look like i'm having fun like i was a couple of weeks ago? i'm still planning on NC at least until we go back to uni in september, but i'd like her perception of me to be a strong one, not a wussy one! how do i manage that? i regularly speak to her twin sister on myspace, hopefully my ex doesn't notice, because maybe it would feel like i'm still around. i don't want to cut contact with the sister, she's one of my best friends. any advice would be appreciated thanks
Bohdi10 Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 I wish I read this thread about a month ago. I got dumped a month ago after a 9 month relationship. I called, text messaged, emailed, and sent her stuff in the mail for a week straight. She told me we weren't meant to be and that she was interested in another guy. It took her that week to get that out of her and she ended up being mad at me and telling me that I had to stop obsessing over it. I stopped contact for about two weeks until I found out she was going to the concert I invited her to with the new guy when she told me she really didn't like the band. So I of course hearing this through friends when we were drinking , I called her nonstop throughout the night asking why she was doing this, I text her and emailed her. She text me the next day telling me that she wasn't ready to talk to me, followed by the next day her emailing me and saying that I had to stop contacting her altogether or she was going to contact the police. Man did I blow this one and feel really stupid. So I called and left a message to tell her not to call the police over something so stupid. That I was sorry for calling alot but that I was just upset. So she called my friends and told them that her dad was up visiting her and had picked up the phone and told me never to call again.(which was a lie because I just left a message) So my friends told me this and I told them it was a lie so it was just getting out of hand and why did she have to lie to make me look bad? She still had some of my things and I was still upset about all the lies and mess that was coming about from this so I emailed her a week later and was like I would like my stuff back and she could mail it to me if she didn't want to see me. I also told her that this lies and anger towards each other was stupid and that it didn't need to continue. I told her that I was sorry for all the arguments and calls throughout the break up but for her to stop trying to make me look bad. This was about two weeks ago and I'm still upset about our break up. I haven't contacted her in any way but am still down about the whole thing. Is it normal to feel this way? I go out with friends and try to keep busy but it just seems like I go out with friends who are married or engaged and it's not so exciting. She got all the power and I feel like I was left in the dust. Any advice on where to go from here? Was a wrong throughout this breakup??
Fun2BMe Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 hey everybody, wonder if any of you can give me a bit of advice, this thread seems relevant... my g/f and i broke up at uni about 6 months ago, we were living together, even after the break up, which was awkward to say the least. most of the time i was 'in control', acted like i didn't care, was genuinely happy sometimes, and she would come and talk to me and be friendly. however, the morning i left to come home for summer (wednesday 7th) i broke down in front of her, and said i loved her, which sort of damaged her perceptions of me, if you get what i mean. haven't spoken to her since, we're 200 miles apart, how do i get 'back on top' and look like i'm having fun like i was a couple of weeks ago? i'm still planning on NC at least until we go back to uni in september, but i'd like her perception of me to be a strong one, not a wussy one! how do i manage that? i regularly speak to her twin sister on myspace, hopefully my ex doesn't notice, because maybe it would feel like i'm still around. i don't want to cut contact with the sister, she's one of my best friends. any advice would be appreciated thanks You're lucky you are in contact with her sister. Most guys have no way to get their word to their ex especially when they are 200 miles away. So what you can do is tell her sister stuff like you are going out with a very cute girl, it is nothing serious yet, and you're not sure to pursue it or not because another girl is interested in you. Stuff like that to show that you have gotten over your ex and not sitting around crying over her, which was the last impression she has of you. Of course the sister will tell her and then you can chat with the sister less, telling her your time is now occupied with the new girl. This should get you 'back on top' for sure.
Fun2BMe Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 no she never said i dnt love you. In fact on our last meeting she said i love you. We takled on phone at the breakup, she cried. We talked about 1 1/2 weeks later she cried again. I dont think i know the real reasons. We...especially SHE talked of our future. We then had a month of issues,,,,dissagreements,.... and she went sour. Think she all of a sudden thought is this right. When it's a sudden change of heart, that is not a good sign. It could be she fell out of love. The other fact that she didn't provide you with reasons is another bad sign. If she cared enough for the relationship to want to fix it or for it to eventually work, she would have provided you with reasons so you could work on them. Instead, it looks like she just doesn't care anymore. She would prob have a complex about it coz her mum had an affair and left her dad and she dis owned her mum..... she has this thing that for marriage,.. things need to be a fairytale. I think it was lack of experience in relationships and her age. How could they be a fairytale if you run away when there is a problem instead of fixing it? Everyone has issues from childhood. You are providing excuses for her. Her inexperience and age coudl be it, but again you don't know. We'll meet again, its unavoidable, wld like to be LC frineds just so it wont be difficult. Hey maybe its not all over. Who knows. Maybe she'll want to work on things. I also know her friends made it very difficult for her. We lived in different towns at that stage. Her flatmates were extremely jealous and told her over and over that they thought i was possesive because I was always spending my time with her..... thing is, SHE CHOSE to spend all her time WITH ME too. I think they made it very difficult in the end, and she just got very down. Started arguing with her friends, and prob scared of losing them. She wont be around them anymore for good in a few months as she's moving back to my home town We'll see what happens. Maybe nothin or maybe not That could be a big problem. I've had friends pull me away from boyfriends. They start resenting him for taking up all my time and I finally start to listen to them about how bad and selfish he is for taking up all my time and they make me feel guilty for neglecting them. Looking back, I wish I had not listened to them at the time. She could be experiencing a similar thing that you guys can work on.
RealBroken Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 FUN2BME Firstly thanks for your advice, its great! Much appreciated. Thank you. She did give me some reasons. Big one was her friends, i think basically they dictated to herwhat they thought was wrong with me. She said i was possesive but when i look back i dont think i was at all! I just took her time from her friends. She said, she's never really been single and feels she has to plan her life. She wrote me an email and sent a few texts, saying for it to work she thinks that i would have had to move to her town where she is at uni til the end of the year, but thought that that was too much of an ask and she was worried what if i did that for her and it still didnt work out. She text saying, im just trting to find a way to make us work. Then bang, she dumped me. Her friends were def a problem as a female friend of mine asked her to coma nd talk with her...... when she did my friend said it was all about the friends and that they were the big problem. She was also worried about the fact that we had had "so many issues " in the seven months we were toggether. These issues were simply because if there was something i was uncomfortable with i would let ehr know and we'd talk about it. We never fought. The issues were so minor and not things to get upset about. I know she would have talked to her friends about them and that provided them with ammunition that i was not the one for her. Its so stupid, because when it was just ME AND HER, we had SO MUCh fun! We loved each other so dearly. We could go out to bars til 3am just the two of us, get really drunk together and have a great time. Her friends couldnt understand this and thought it was weird. See where the jealousy came in. I'm just scared she has been brain washed so much by them....... and now probably by herself to justify the breakup that our relationship appears s*** in her mind. On the phone i said i never regret being with you and amongst tears she agreed. I actually heard some whispers of another guy really liking her, he was going thru a breakup at the same time. Two weeks later I saw them together. I approached her and told her how disgusting i thought it was and shallow. I know this would have upset her. I cooled down, sent a card saying,...... hey ur decisions are yours, as long as your happy. i hate wats happened, but dont hate you. As a friend i'm always here for you and my door is always open. Her response was a text saying, dont contact me from now on. It broke me, as it so seemed against her personality, she's so lovely and caring. I dunno why she sent that. I thought my card was the proper and adult respecting thing to do. Its been 4 weeks since then, no contact. huh what do you make of it FUN2BME?
Fun2BMe Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 , sent a card saying,...... hey ur decisions are yours, as long as your happy. i hate wats happened, but dont hate you. As a friend i'm always here for you and my door is always open. You wrote her a recipe for disaster. Her response was a text saying, dont contact me from now on. It broke me, as it so seemed against her personality, she's so lovely and caring. I dunno why she sent that. I thought my card was the proper and adult respecting thing to do. I wish you could have not sent her that card. Its been 4 weeks since then, no contact. huh what do you make of it FUN2BME? First off, go back to the first post in this thread and read numbers 3 and 4. Did your words follow the advice, or were they exactly the OPPOSITE of what you should do when you get dumped? Your card says a number of wrong things and sends the wrong message. First, it tells her you are ok with being split. Are you really? No. You have to give her the impression that you are with your actions, not with your words. Second, it tells her you don't want to fight for her, again that you are ok with the decision as if you don't love her enough. Third, it makes you too available. She doesn't have to make an effort to have you, she thinks you are ok with the decision, not upset and she can go back to you any time she wants to. She may lose respect that you are taking it well how she is treating you. If she hears or sees you moving on, she will at least wonder if you would take her back and might realize she could lose you for good. By telling her that your door is always open for her, it makes you appear unappealing and she won't bother to have you back. She has to realize that your door won't always be open for her. After all, you have a life too that is not going to pause on hold waiting for her, which is the message she got. Anyways, you have already sent that pathetic message and four weeks later are wondering why you have not heard from her. I mean, do you expect a response saying 'wonderful, let's be friends.' No way. You have to plot a plan to undo the damage, to make her realize she is wrong to give into her friends opinions. That's where you have to fix the problem, not pretend that the friends are right by not bringing it up then offering your friendship. The reason why she left you is still there. She is influenced by her friends. She might have also thought you don't care enough for her to want to move where she is, so on top of it your casual acceptance of the break up by offering friendship only confirms that belief. I think in your situation you have a chance to win her back, but you have to act quick and not make such mistakes again.
RealBroken Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 How do I act quick when I cannot contact her? I know the card was wrong, the reason i sent it was because i said some stuff that would have upset her. I didnt want us to be enemies. Plus I had not read about what not to do. I told her i did want to move to her town, guess it was her fear of me making such big steps and what if it didnt work out. OK you say i have to act quick? What the hell can i do, ive bin thinkin for weeks ) : Also, i dunno if there could really be a chance with us as long as she's living in that town with those friends. End of the eyar she wont be around them anymore. I really dont think she was questioning my love, she KNOWS how much i loved her. I'm thinkin that she was feelin really bad, and for me to say its ok may have felt worse. I've also heard that saying "ok do what u want, be with someone else, its ok with me, can work in your favour coz they expect you to be really upset" What can i do, please help. She has a 21st birthday in 1 1/2 months, which I can ignore,.... would that get her thinkin, im not around for her? I dunno, is that too far away. I'm guessing she needs to hear im with someone else or something. Thing is, how the hell do i get her to hear that SOON. Its just that u said i have to act fast.... help!
RealBroken Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Whats really annoying is that i took the advice of my mother to send that card.... and the words of "my door is open as a friend" arrrgh! Was just to keep things positive between us, instead of partin on strong words. This sucks, how do i undo it, so that i'm in control.
RealBroken Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 maybe she could find out through her father who im friends with, that im with someone else or something. But she didnt want me to stay in contact with him either.
Fun2BMe Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 She has a 21st birthday in 1 1/2 months, which I can ignore,.... would that get her thinkin, im not around for her? I dunno, is that too far away. I'm guessing she needs to hear im with someone else or something. Thing is, how the hell do i get her to hear that SOON. Its just that u said i have to act fast.... help! Before we can decide what you should do, I don't think you should ignore her 21st birthday. I had a landmark birthday once and was in a fight with my then boyfriend. He ignored me on my birthday. When we patched things up, I never forgave him for that and eventually resented him and broke up with him. But before that 1 1/2 months you still have to do something now so she doesn't have 6 more weeks of getting over you. Once she falls out of love, it will be too late. At the time she broke up with you, I think she was still in love with you so you have a chance to do something before she really does fall out of love.
RealBroken Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 If i showed i was wanting to fight for her,...... its shows her i'm available. ?????? My last words to her were...... i have to go right now, i may hurt him really bad.... (he was coming back). And she knows, that that could have happened, if he'd gone in my face. Been a mixed martial artist for 13 years. Its not like im backin down to a bully, Confusing What can i do now? help
RealBroken Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Thats wat i'm scared of. Her resenting me for not acknoledging her 21st. However, she was the one that said dont contact me. I'm worried she'll think im tryin to still be available by contacting her. Using her brithday as an excuse. What can i do?!?! I have no plan, its hard
Fun2BMe Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 maybe she could find out through her father who im friends with, that im with someone else or something. But she didnt want me to stay in contact with him either. This is a good idea if you hae access to her father. Don't upset her by simply staying in contact with him. That will do more harm than good. Can you think of an excuse to contact him? Use that opportunity to casually bring up without giving it too much attention, that you are dating someone else but don't give the impression you are over or still into his daughter and don't give him the opportunity to ask too many questions, just to find that out and pass it along to her daughter. It will drive her nuts. She will want to find out more about it and if she has lost you and all that bit that you want to put you back in control.
RealBroken Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I obviously cant contact her, so what do i do? You really think once she'd over me, there can be no rekindling later?
RealBroken Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I have some things of hers, maybe i could drop them back to him. Cant do it for two weeks though, as he is in another town. any other ideas?
Fun2BMe Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I have some things of hers, maybe i could drop them back to him. Cant do it for two weeks though, as he is in another town. any other ideas? That would be a good one. Look like you are doing fine and that you are in a hurry to meet with your date. It will look like you are over her by dropping off her things plus you are moving on by meeting with your date. It will give some points back to you for the damage the card caused.
RealBroken Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Seriously,... not lookin at the "Rules" You think that card did ALOT of damage.??? I thought it was just a way of signing off on a positive note, a final goodbye, intead of leavin on an argument. I just feel that it would have done more damage if i had left on the whole "u seeing this guy is disgusting and shallow right now" text i sent her. I just wanna act right now. I dont wanna wait two weeks before i can see her dad.
Fun2BMe Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Seriously,... not lookin at the "Rules" You think that card did ALOT of damage.??? I thought it was just a way of signing off on a positive note, a final goodbye, intead of leavin on an argument. I just feel that it would have done more damage if i had left on the whole "u seeing this guy is disgusting and shallow right now" text i sent her. I just wanna act right now. I dont wanna wait two weeks before i can see her dad. I sure don't claim to have all the answers, as far as what you can do before the 2 weeks. Hopefully someone can jump in. But if you are questioning if the card in fact did damage - wasn't her response to the card texting you to not to contact her again? And she has backed it up by not contacting you once for what has been 4 weeks now. That says more than what my opinion of it is. Right now is when you DO have to look at the "rules." By not looking at them in the first place, you are in the situation you are in.
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