leftinlincoln Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I've been with my boyfriend (my ex as of 3:00 a.m. this morning) for 11 months. I have experienced the highest highs and lowest lows in that time frame. We traveled to my hometown in March so that he could meet my family/friends. He showers me with gifts, money and basically made me totally dependent upon him. He spends at least 5 nights a week with me although we live 50 miles apart. Sounds great so far, but it actually is horrible. He is very controlling calling me numerous times a day to "check in" - I became like him throughout our time together and found myself calling him constantly as well. When we would fight he would call the cops on me and make false police reports saying that I tried to break into his place or other things I did not do (I believe another mechanism of control). We would always make up a few hours later as if nothing happened. About two months ago he began to receive phone calls from random women (sometimes in the middle of the night). He told me they were "just friends" and he would tell them that I was there in front of me. He called me last night around 6:00 p.m. as he usually does and told me he wouldn't be coming to see me and "don't call him, he'd call me." He did call at 3:00 a.m. to tell me he had slept with one of the woman who had recently called and acted like it was to get back at me for something. Then he hungup and did not talk to me again until this morning. This morning I called him hysterically crying and he acted like "whats your problem" . . . My question is I've made this man my life, I thought he loved me, and he just disposes of our relationship as if he is firing the cleaning lady. How can I get over this and stop feeling like there is something wrong with me.
mending_heart Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Life's rough like that. People can change instantly without explanation. The best way to start healing is stop blaming yourself and looking back at whatever you thought you did to cause this outcome. If there was anything wrong with the relationship to begin with, he should have been a man and spoke to you about his concerns. I guess he took the coward's way out, and instead of with dealing things sensibly like an adult, he chose to deliberately hurt you to end things more abruptly. I wouldnt try to dwell on seeking answers from him, its a lost cause if he wont tell you the reason why. Just move on knowing that you WILL find someone less controlling and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I know, its easier said than done to move on, buts its the only way you will overcome this.
Kengne Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Hi LIL, You should never again make someone your life. i know it hurts, but it doesn't mean he didn't love you. sometimes the ones whom love us the most, and vice versa... are the ones who hurt us the most, and vice versa. to move on from this... do not attempt to answer questions like 'how could he?' and 'why?'. he could cheat, and so he did. that's the way the cookie crumbled. this is NOT your fault, you are NOT a bad person. give yourself some time to deal with this hurt... away from him. do not call him all hysterical again as he will not be able to give you the sympathy or empathy you seek. post here, cry, vent - but do not contact him for now until you can be calm & rational. let him stew and think about how much he has hurt you. in the meantime, you will heal and rise above this. i know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will survive.. because no matter how bad today seems, tomorrow is ALWAYS better. good luck! k.
HeyYouGuys Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 I've been with my boyfriend (my ex as of 3:00 a.m. this morning) for 11 months. I have experienced the highest highs and lowest lows in that time frame. We traveled to my hometown in March so that he could meet my family/friends. He showers me with gifts, money and basically made me totally dependent upon him. He spends at least 5 nights a week with me although we live 50 miles apart. Sounds great so far, but it actually is horrible. He is very controlling calling me numerous times a day to "check in" - I became like him throughout our time together and found myself calling him constantly as well. When we would fight he would call the cops on me and make false police reports saying that I tried to break into his place or other things I did not do (I believe another mechanism of control). We would always make up a few hours later as if nothing happened. About two months ago he began to receive phone calls from random women (sometimes in the middle of the night). He told me they were "just friends" and he would tell them that I was there in front of me. He called me last night around 6:00 p.m. as he usually does and told me he wouldn't be coming to see me and "don't call him, he'd call me." He did call at 3:00 a.m. to tell me he had slept with one of the woman who had recently called and acted like it was to get back at me for something. Then he hungup and did not talk to me again until this morning. This morning I called him hysterically crying and he acted like "whats your problem" . . . My question is I've made this man my life, I thought he loved me, and he just disposes of our relationship as if he is firing the cleaning lady. How can I get over this and stop feeling like there is something wrong with me. This man sounds very controlling and manipulative. I bet the beginning of your relationship was all romance,right? Then things began to change. He started questioning every move you made, the friends you kept and the places you went? He is a classic abuser. They seduce you and then abuse you. I've been there, hon. There is nothing wrong with you except low self esteem. You need to learn how to love and appreciate yourself...ON YOUR OWN...before you can have a healthy relationship. I'd suggest short-term therapy to help you deal with these feelings that something it 'wrong' with you. There is probably nothing really wrong with you. Rather, you picked a man with severe problems and he took this out on you. People with low self esteem are often drawn to people with problems and then blame themselves for these people's moods and issues. It's not you, trust me.
RealBroken Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 There is nothing wrong with you darling. Sometimes we dont see the devil inside people for a while. its horrible i know. Most people meet one in their life. You deserve better. Your life will get better. You'll look back on this and wonder why you were ever even upset. I promise you that. Anyone is worth more than how he is treating you, and anyone deserves better. What goes around comes around eventually. He will either learn or lead a miserable life. Chin up girl. Thats all i can say. He doesn't sound good for anyone this lad. You have to make a stand for YOURSELF. Do it for you. Get out and find better. Its out there waiting for you rigt now. i know easier said than done. I've been there. Is heart breakin. I look back on that person now and laugh. They are not happy. They did very horrible things to me years ago. I'm better off by a long shot. i've just come out of a different relationship a month ago and i'm miserable..... but i still feel better off than the person who did horrid things to me those years ago and has now that has created their own misery. Everyone is worth more than what you've just written. Stand up, move on and forget and seek BETTER for YOU and YOU only. You'll be fine
Author leftinlincoln Posted June 9, 2006 Author Posted June 9, 2006 Thanks everyone . . . I know you are right I called a social service hotline last night and they want me to see a domestic violence counselor, so I think I'll start out there and get some therapy to try to understand how I could have let someone treat me this way . . . He called me last night numerous times, so I shut off my phone and when I woke up this morning I had 2 voice mails and 4 text messages which got progressively nastier . . . he said he is going to get a protection order against me in order to ruin my future legal career (I graduate from grad school next year) . . . Again another form of him controlling me b/c I am freaking out about it, but I guess I should just let him get it . . . I want to stay far away from him and that would ensure I have no other choice . . . LIL
overseas2004 Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 First of all. I am an attorney and I wanted to tell you that he cant hurt your legal career. So you dont need to worry about that. And when you go to the hearing if he files one against you. Take an attorney. As for what he has done. This is clearly not the man for you. Look at what he has done. How can you love a person like this? Just ask yourself about this over and over and over as the day goes on. How can you love him? Is he loveable? I know you are having a hard time and that is normal. I just lost my boyfriend. If you want to talk you can write me [email protected]. I am willing to listen.
Author leftinlincoln Posted June 12, 2006 Author Posted June 12, 2006 Well I'm an idiot . . . or at least that's what I keep saying to myself . . . The ex (as of last week) kept calling all weekend . . . I gave a friend my phone on Friday, but when she gave it back to me on Sunday I had 3 voice mails from him and many text messages . . . I finally answered the phone on Sunday to scream "what the hell do you want" . . . He again acted like nothing had happened (although he admits he was w/someone else over the weekend) . . . He called me this morning to wake me up for work as he has for the last 11 months . . . This man is making me crazy (he wants me, he doesn't, then he wants me again) . . . I'm going to have to change my phone number . . . I know he is a master of manipulation, but I never knew how good b/c he still talks me into wanting to see him . . . The only problem is that I have a live brain cell left and know he will repeat his past behavior . . . it's the Eienstein quote that insantiy is repeating behavior and expecting a different result that keeps coming to mind . . . I'm not going to lie though, it hurts and when he calls I want to answer . . . I hate him for that . . . he has new women so why can't he just leave me alone?
Returning Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 Hi leftinlincoln, This guy sounds like a text book Narcissistic Personality Disorder, do a web search for 'Sam Vaknin' and see what he has to say about NPDers. You have had a lucky escape and you need to go NC immediatly. This guy will play with you and use you as a source of Narcissistic supply. He is not a real person and could not have loved you. Get away and close the book, if you deliberate you will start to errode your own mental stability trying to fathom it out. He wont leave you alone, he will use you to feed his corrupt ego.
Author leftinlincoln Posted June 14, 2006 Author Posted June 14, 2006 My ex seems to meet the patterns of a narcissist . . . Specifically he keeps a bunch of women around (at his fingertips if you will) . . . But all of his friends say I am the only one he spends a great deal of time w/and is emotionally attached to . . . Well good for me . . . I'm looking for more in a relationship than being the top spot in someone's rotation . . . I saw the ex last night after he called me a billion times and he (1) washed/detailed my car (2) filled up the gas tank (3) took me out to a nice restaurant . . . He tells me he shows he cares by doing these things and that he is "taking care of me" so he doesn't understand why I have a problem . . . I know . . . I know I'm getting sucked back in . . . I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday afternoon (the soonest I can get in) . . . I pray to whoever is out there that I can convince myself to remain away from this man . . . The frustrating part for me and everyone I know (and who has to listen to the drama) is why don't I just stick to NC and leave . . . I know I need to, they know I need to . . . Has anyone every been in this situation w/a Jekyll/Hyde type and is there finally a way to get out or do I have to wait until a catastrophic event occurs before my heart catches up to my mind?
CONFUZED01 Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 i think i know how it feels to be with a jekkyl./ hyde type, I've been with one and these are the kind of people that suck you in with everything you got. When me and my ex broke up the first time, he cheated on me when we were not together and i found out, i told him about it and he will deny it till the day he dies. They love mind games, and they do it because they know they can. We eventually got back together a year ago, i should have made him suffer but i gave in so easy and took him back. My advice for you is to let him miss you, little things they want you more, and in the case of my ex who had many friends that were girls they like to seek attention from girls. who knows why? Be strong do not let him get the best of you, and most of all do not give in so easily as much as you want too
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