EA; how to best manage

[joeyr812]

like many on here, my spouse is having an EA. I won't bore you w/ the details..it's mainly internet and phone. She thinks she's doing nothing wrong. I read "divorce busters" and believe its message, but could use some advice. In the past, I've tried to "fix" everything that was wrong. I know that I sound accusatory, and she feels backed into a corner. I think she loves the attention, and the perception of freedom. Like so many of you have said, I think she likes the idea of what she has more than the person she's sharing it with...she hardly knows him!

 

My question is....I know that confronting her won't help..just backs her into a corner ("I'm over-reacting or snooping"). And....it's not like our communication was wonderful prior, or it wouldn't have happened. But...I sincerely believe in marriage and want it to work, yet I want her to be happy. So...I try to give her space, stay alert but say nothing, and not act pathetic. So....any advice?

[jonesgirly]

Is she hiding this activity from you?

[Love Hurts]

Marriage.............. trust.............. you don't have that for her.

Nor does she trust herself.

Left to herself.......................... one day the body follows the mind.

One day she will travel to a place and act out with a body of flesh.

And either feel the guilt or enjoy and continue on.

 

Talk now or wait until she is flipped over a no where fling.

This is the begining of your end. You have a sneak peak at how it began.

 

You are lucky. Do you want your marriage?

If yes. Confront her and deal with the trash.

If not. Ignore it ..........she will go away.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, would your wife be as accepting having you flirting with another woman on the internet and flirting with her on the phone? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. By doing nothing this may lead to more intimacy with this OM and may also lead her later to doing this with other men. I think you are in denial. This is very disrespectful and damaging to your marriage. A married person does not have boyfriends on the side.

[target-d]

Have her read some of the postings on this forum by BS whose spouses were in EA's. Maybe she could then understand the pain you are experiencing. Some women unfortunately eem to think that men never feel anything, so try to show her some of the postings by men.

 

If you just let it go, eventually, she will.

[Chump64]

She needs a kick in the a$$.

 

Some people don't like ultimatums, but I'm that kind of gal. Tell her to cut the crap or get the hayell out. Tell her counseling is not an option. Don't back her into a corner, but tell her she has a choice to make - respect and nurture the marriage, or get out. You are leaving the door open for her to choose what's most important.

[joeyr812]

Thank you all for your input. She's been talking for a while about maybe wanting to seperate. My feeling is this.....it can't go on like this. If that means she won't change and we'll seperate, then I'm only concerned about my kids. She knows how I feel about this. She either feels like she's not doing anything wrong, or she knows she is and doesn't care. I feel like if I make an ultamatum, it will push her to be defensive and choose him. If that does happen, maybe it's best. Basically, I feel like she needs to hear this from someone, but she's not going to listen to me.

 

Does she hide it from me...yes. That's the part that makes it hard for me to "prove" that it's not just friends, without disclosing that I snoop. I've pretty much just got volumes of phone calls to go by.

 

Maybe I am in denial.

[cuckolded husband]

J812

 

Bust her now, You see I did the same thing, gave her some space, let her have some freedom trusted her completely after all they were "just friends,he is like my little brother" just talked on phone back then there was no internet you can't watch her all the time all it takes is a few minutes and the damage is done stop her now or ask her if she happy or you need to leave her or years down the road you'll find out that she has had a PA

[Owl]

Joey,

 

First off, go read my story. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

I've been almost exactly where you're at. I've managed to recover my marriage from pretty much exactly the same thing.

 

You want advice on what to do from here...here ya go.

 

First, get a keylogger installed on her computer so that you can track what she's saying to him. See if you can hack into her IM account and enabling logging...and then break back in later to retrieve/copy those logs. The more you know, the more you can fight it. Save copies of all of these logs someplace where she cannot get to them...like on a work computer or something.

 

Now...she insists that she's doing nothing wrong, right? Fine, then play by her rules. If she's doing nothing wrong, then you're sharing what's going on with friends and family won't upset her at all, right? This is called exposure. Expose her affair to any of your family/friends who might have the influence (and mindset) to help end the affair. Explain to them what's going on, what you know is happening (prove the emotional affair and demonstrate to them how this behavior is wrong and destroying your marriage), and ask them for their assistance in ending the affair and saving your marriage. Make it clear to them that you're NOT doing this to hurt her...that you're asking for their help in saving your marriage to the woman you love.

 

Do NOT tell your wife that you're going to do this...she'll contact them first and do 'damage control'...most likely try to make you look like a whacko or something. Now, she will be FURIOUS with over this...because it drags her horrible behavior out into the open for everyone to see. When she does get angry, simply tell her that you figured she wouldn't be upset since she was 'doing nothing wrong'. Tell her exactly why you did it...because you're asking for their help in getting her to end this damaging relationship and to help you save your marriage. (she won't agree to ANYTHING at first...it's going to take time for her to get over her anger over the whole thing). BTW...consider doing this exposure to anyone you know that knows OM as well...especially if HE is married.

 

Now, at the same time, you can totally throw her for a loop by taking time to work on YOU. Don't focus on her...focus on making a better YOU. This actually will make you more attractive to her...it reminds her of why she married you to begin with. Be as pleasant as you can with her...do things that show her why she loves you. But at the same time don't let her treat you like a doormat. And make it clear to her that you're ONLY goal is to fix your marriage, and that starts with her ending her relationship IN ANY WAY with OM.

 

This won't be a quick fix. Go over to marriagebuilders.com to read more on how this works. Keep posting, and keep on working through things.

[Chump64]

I disagree with getting other people involved. I still like the ultimatum route. If you expose her to other people and involve them unnecessarily, you may ruin her feelings toward you for good – and other peoples’ feelings toward / opinions about both of you. IMO, marital infidelity is not an “intervention” type situation, like drug or alcohol abuse. The fewer people you involve, the better. Getting a bunch of friends and relatives involved can be a hornet’s nest, in my opinion. If she won’t like being backed into a corner, she sure as heck won’t like having a torch-and-pitchfork carrying crowd back her into a corner.

 

If you gather evidence and present it to her with an ultimatum, and she chooses you, then you start working together. If she chooses the other person, then you are better off without her.

[silktricks]

But whichever way you choose to act, do act. Do not play the game her way, giving her the "space she needs". That way only proves to her that you don't love her, don't care enought, etc.

 

What she needs is to know that there are consequences for her actions.

 

And what's wrong with putting her on the defensive? Let her be. She's treating you like your feelings don't matter. You deserve better than that. And what does it matter if you snoop? You are defending your life. What makes snooping the ultimate sin?

 

Both Chump and OWL recommended getting evidence. I agree as well. Get a keylogger on your PC. That will catch everything she (or you) types, whether e-mail or IM.

 

And even if this "friendship" is "nothing wrong" in that they are not yet into a full EA, it is still wrong because it is hurting YOU. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your pain matters. If she leaves you because you take a stand that you matter, then really you are losing nothing.

[Chump64]

I'm going to cut and paste some 'investigative' advice I gave to someone else on another thread, in case it can help you. Also, be prepared for the fact that this may be more than an EA.

 

Here you go:

 

* Put a voice activated recorder in her car. You can't catch all her cell conversations, but you can at least catch her side / what SHE is saying. Hide it. Lemme know if you need hiding tips. Put a recorder in her office even, if you can. There are some that look like ballpoint pens. Lay one on her desk. That's how I got started with my own investigating.

 

* Check around for a cheap global positioning unit. Put it in her car. It can tell you where she went.

 

* Bug your home phone. Put a line tap on a little-used extension. Bug her office phone too, if you can swing it. I got into my husband's office by figuring out when he'd be in meetings, etc. (I can see his calendar that is set up on his email.) Then I'd have a gift or something in hand in case I ran into a coworker. "I'm leaving this gift here as a surprise for him, so please don't tell himI was here!" At one point, I delivered a framed picture as a surprise, while he was in a meeting. Well -- OOPS! -- the frame broke when I dropped it! (I had a stash of broken glass that I dumped on the floor.) Darn! Now the co-workers who were helping me deliver this surprise knew I had to come back with a new picture, and they conspired with me when I delivered the new item (so I could pick up the recorder I used to tap his phone line). I eventually wised up and realized I could get in the building at 7 am with no one around. Illegal? Yeah. Will she turn you in? Not likely, unless she wants the whole world to know she's cheating.

 

* Install a keylogger on your home computer. This is how I captured my husband's work email password. You can download free ones that are kind of clunky and inefficient, but they did the job for me.

 

A site I'm gonna pimp for you is http://www.spyville.com. They will send the items to your work address and will accept a check or money order (vs. a credit card).

[joeyr812]

I hear you all....I'm just not so sure about the spying. it seems a little drastic. I know....I have to know, but I think I have to ask her to tell me the truth and try to really press that point. I think I have enough circumstantial evidence to hopefully force that. I hope!!

[Chump64]

Oh I agree. Spying is a last resort, to be used when someone is arrogant enough to keep pulling out bald-faced lies. I hope you don't get to that point.

 

But if you don't mind me asking, what are you going to do, exactly?

[joeyr812]

Chump...that's a real good question. I think I'm going to spend the next 2 weeks watching, working on me, and sort of making myself unavailable. I think that if I can get the tension out of the air, it will make the talk easier when it occurs. I'm sort of going a day at a time at the moment, watching all I can for signs.

[SoleMate]

So....any advice?

Marriage Builders, Plan A. Hold off on exposure for now.

[joeyr812]

Hi Sole!! Thanks!! more details please!!!

[SoleMate]

Dr. Willard Harley explains it best. Try searching for "How to Survive Infidelity" on the info superhighway. Or just search LoveShack for "Plan A". Sorry, I cannot post a URL.

 

As I once posted: Your wife is engaged in an emotional affair. You already know the most important fact and one that should drive you to action: Your marriage is in crisis.

 

You can choose to:

 

1) Fight for your marriage

 

2) Stall for time while you think about things (max 3 months)

 

3) Plan to end your marriage

 

If you choose to fight (that doesn't mean be nasty, it means throw every ounce of your strength and courage into saving your r/s, just like you would fight off a grizzly bear who was lunging at your toddler), please check out the books of Dr. Willard Harley (Plan A, Plan B, Love Bank, Love Busters, His Needs, Her Needs). There is hope if you want to make the effort. Good luck.

[joeyr812]

Thanks!!! I found their website. mostly deals with PAs. When I question my wife, I get the "we're just friends". I ask about secrecy, and I hear, 'I do that because you over react". I'm not sure how to put a plan A into effect if I can't get her to admit.

[joeyr812]

Thanks. I think that you are suggesting the I confront her and request that she cut off all contact, but that I not expose the situation to family / friend/ call the other guy, etc. I'm still not sure how to get past the "we're just friends" portion. I guess I can show her some of the checklists, etc in the books / sites I've seen.

 

My wife is also going thru a mid life crisis. She wants to do her thing, when she wants, and doesn't want anyone telling her otherwise...especially me. In the past, I've been a chaser, so when we argue, she feels backed into a corner and she shuts down. I feel like i should be able to tell her...if you're just friends...show me your emails...you've got nothing to hide. but...I'm afraid her reaction will be to just give up, and tell me she wants out....not because of the EA, but because of me blowing it out of proportion. I know that someday, when the fantasy ends, she'll know the truth, but that's why I'm treading lightly. I may just be a moron....it's hard to tell really. Any and all advice is appreciated!

[Chump64]

I think you are being far too kind and patient, but I don't know all the nuances of your situation and the personalities involved, etc.

 

I busted my husband's balls and gave him ultimatums and frankly, I think that woke him up quite a bit. One of the things it made him do was to realize how much I loved him and how much of his life he was squandering away. He was actually relieved that someone took the bull by the horns and started to fix the effed up situation. Those are some of his problems though -- passiveness and conflict avoidance.

[joeyr812]

Hi Chump...thank you again for your advice. if you don't mind me asking, how similar was your situation? I agree w/ you 100% that she needs the kick in the ass. I just am so afraid she'll bite the leg that kicks her (I think that makes sense). And....whatever I do, I have to be a man for my kids, and treat her w/ total respect...makes me even more thoughtful in my planning

[Chump64]

I think mine is about the worst scenario you can envision. My husband had a 10 year EA / PA with a woman who (along with her husband) was a friend of ours. (We've been married 18 years.) She worked (still works) in his building, in a different department. I came across some suspicious emails on the home computer a year ago, quite by accident, was lied to, and then I started snooping. But at the time I confronted him with evidence, I didn't know too much, other than the fact that they were having an affair. I didn't know about the longevity. I think his stuff would have been on the yard, had I known about it. But looking back, maybe that was a good thing I didn't know it had been 10 years / wasn't able to react that way. Because then our kids would have had to know the whole story. Two of them are in the early teen years. This was a definite factor in how I decided to handle things. I wanted to bust his chops and see if we could work this out, but I also wanted to avoid making this a life-defining event for my kids.

 

We have been able to work on this while acting respectful toward each other and keeping our anger in check, at least around our kids. We have 3 kids, and they are oblivious. We do most of our work / talking / therapy during the day or late at night when everyone's in bed. I hope we can beat this.

 

In my case, I was about 90 percent sure that my husband would cut the crap immediately. And if he didn't, I had no qualms about booting him. I don't know what your situation is or how you think your wife might react. I am sure it's different for everyone. I just hope you will take care of yourself and stand up for yourself. Good luck.

[Guest]

chump....so sorry to hear about your situation. Best of luck to you, and hang in there. it sounds like you've got your head on straight. Odds are, one of us will be successful!

[joeyr812]

chump....so sorry to hear that, but it sounds like you've got your head on straight. best of luck to you, and thanks again