keepingittogether Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Hello everyone. I just found this forum today and read through a lot of posts. You all seem to be very nice supportive people. I have a problem that I would like to talk about, but one I'm way too embarassed to talk to my friends or my mom. I have recently installed a spyware on our computer to monitor my teenager. This has been beneficial. However, I never dreamed I would find out that my husband spends a huge amount of time looking at porn! Not only that, he is registered on a sex site (the kind that shows webcams) and is registered with MY name! He watches the webcams and makes comments, with my name! When he has chats with others (both men and women) he talks as if he is me. Things that are familiar about me. Then, to make matters worse, he tells outrageous sex stories. He travels and tells stories of his "exploits", as if he were me! He has another username for his name, too. As soon as I found all this, I knew it was cheating. I didn't have to read all the posts on here to know that, although I read them anyway. But I haven't said anything. He doesn't know I have the spyware, so I almost feel like it's ill-gotten information. But it's really hurting me and I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to approach the subject. We have been married for 10 years and we were both married before. I brought 3 children to the marriage. The youngest is now 16. Right now, counseling is not an option, as we live out of the U.S. We're moving back stateside in a couple of months. It has been on my mind to see a counselor a.s.a.p. But what about him? How to I start this conversation with him? A large part of me won't believe him if he tells me he'll quit. Another part of me is scared he'll say, too bad, it's not wrong. And then what? I honestly do not know what to do at this point. Thank you for letting me finally tell someone. I know it's not good to keep these feelings locked inside. But how does one sit over tea and tell your best friend that kind of thing? It's so embarrassing!!
SoleMate Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Wow, the use of the wife's name for online porn/sex is a new one even here at LS. I don't see any realistic alternatives other than letting him know you know, and telling him to stop. It is important enough that I might go to a lawyer (US-qualified) and get a formal letter written and sent to him. Reason: My paranoid side wonders if he might be building an "unfit mother" case against you at the same time he is getting his jollies. As far as promises, they are not worth the carbon dioxide that is exhaled with them, when someone has been up to this kind of gross deceit. I would put the burden on HIM to: * Agree to stop * Agree to erase everything that's out there * Admit in writing what he has done, and fully document it * Come up with a verifiable method (technology/behavioral/operational) for assuring you that he no longer has computer access to do this kind of thing * All passwords, usernames and sites to be revealed * All email accounts and email to be revealed Don't allow yourself to be put into the detective, judge, jury, and rehabilitative social worker on this one. He screwed and HE has to be the one doing the legwork to fix it. Otherwise, he will not have a wife and family any more.
lawrence angel Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I can see that this has become a huge shock to you. Have you explored your sex life with your husband, and is it good?? Do you openly talk about sex, or is it infrequent, lights out, get er done type of sex? All couples are different when it comes to sex, I know in the first 8 years of my marriage, I bought my husband toys and dirty magazines, and even on occasion took him to topless bars, it was a huge turn on for the both of us. Maybe your husband is seeking dirty sex with you, after all he is using your name. Maybe you should talk about your sex life with him, and ask him if he thinks it should be spiced up, work your way into ideas you "suddenly" come up with, such as porno, and if this would turn him on. What I am trying to say is try not to be too accusatory or direct when you bring this out or he will get defensive and close up. Try to be positive about this and see it as an experience you can both learn from. If you have a good relationship then try this approach when you have plenty of time to talk about it, if it does not work then maybe counseling is the answer. Remember men are sexual animals whether they talk about it or not, and they think about sex constanty, it is quite natural, but in a marriage you should be open about your desires and fantasies. Good luck.
JadeStar Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 IMO I think you should tell him of your findings. Unplug the computer put it up, and tell him you would like for you both to go to marriage counseling. Maybe a thrid party can help bring to the surface why he is doing this, and help you all deal with how to handle it as well. Jade
Author keepingittogether Posted June 10, 2006 Author Posted June 10, 2006 Thanks so much for the advice. All well taken, to be sure. He's out of town right now. I logged on that screen name, just to see what was going on. It logged me off as he logged on from his location. I quickly made a screen name for myself, as I was going to get chatting with him. I found I couldn't do it. I just couldn't be what I feel is "decietful", even to try to catch him. Like one member suggested, better to just confront him with what I know. Funny though, the screen name I made was isitcheating. He did ask me "is what cheating?" I replied with "I dunno, talking to people on the internet" He (acting as she) said he didn't think so and has actually quite enjoyed it. It was then that I just logged off. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't sit there and pretend to be someone I wasn't. Here is what I'm finding interesting about myself. I don't want a divorce. I don't want another failed marriage. We have worked hard for the last 10 years to acheive the things we have. However, I no longer feel the "lovey dovey" part of marriage. I don't feel to be all cuddly and kissy and the "oh, I love you......no, I love you more" stuff. Maybe counseling will help bring that back? For some reason, I just doubt it. But yet, I still like being his partner. With that said, is it feasible to confront him and say "I know you've been doing this for years (yes, people, I found out this has been going on for about 4 years!) I don't like it, it hurt me and I'm not sure you can fix it." and then say "I don't want a divorce, if you feel you need to continue this sort of behaviour, then don't expect the adoration and huggy kissy sweetness that you have enjoyed in the past. We would just be friends with benefits" ? In answer to another's question about our sex life, it has been fine. Yes, there have been some adventures like watching movies together, buying toys together, that sort of thing. We do talk about fantasies from time to time. I have felt that he's bummed we didn't do any of the more extreme fantasies (the ones involving other people), but I reminded him that once you do that, it's no longer a fanatsy. Isn't that what makes fanatsies exciting....just thinking about them? So that's where I'm at right now. I've known about this for a while, just didn't have anyone to talk to about it. Now that I am, I'm feeling more like I'm heading in a direction. Don't know which direction yet, but this is definitly giving me a chance to voice all that it going on in my head and my heart. The timing quite sucks, as I mentioned before, we're going into a major move with moving back to the states, buying a new house, putting the last boy into a new school, etc. There just never seems to be a good time to say "Hey, I know you've been cyber cheating on me!" Thanks again.
JadeStar Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I'm sorry this is happening. 4 years is right long time for this to be going on. Maybe its not sexual thing he feels he is lacking, maybe its more of any emotional thing or something, either way doesn't sound to good. I know people can have a great sex life and assume that if their spouse is cheating or thinking about it that it has to do with sex. Sometimes that is the case but sometimes it can go deeper than that as well. IMO, maybe you should either go back in the chat with your user anme and really see how far this coversation can go. Just to see what it is he may or may not do. It might give you some kind of indication what it is he is doing or will do. I know you don't want to and I'm sure its hard. Or if you don't want to do that, you could just point blank call him out on it. It would be pretty hard for him to deny since you have a keylogger and are saving these conversations etc. Bascially for 4 years now he has gotten away with this do to the fact you have not said anything to him. If you do call him out on it, just tell him you know and that you feel you all need to get into some marriage counseling ASAP to work this out if you all want to try to save the marriage. JMO. Jade
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I don't really have much advice but wanna say that this is a dirt-bag thing for him to do. I'm sorry you're going through this.
933KJL Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Tell him that you put spyware on to catch the kid and then say ..here look at this...what do you have to say? As for building a case for an unfit mother--very doubtful--they are kids of hers from a previous marraige.
tinktronik Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 My exH did the same thing .Tried to pick up girls and couples pretending to be me. I still don't know what the hell is wrong with him .
JackJack Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Tell him that you put spyware on to catch the kid and then say ..here look at this...what do you have to say? As for building a case for an unfit mother--very doubtful--they are kids of hers from a previous marraige. Thats a very good way to go about it as KJL said. Tell him you had the spyware on their for the kids (which is true) and this is what it found. Do you think he would be the type of person to put the blame off on your kids? Telling you it must have been something they were on?
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