SARose61 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I haven't been here in a while but I need to vent. Situation is this. Over 12 years ago I had an affair. I was in a horrible marriage and I got divorced. The affair was a postitive one and it helped be to understand I could not stay in an abusive marriage. The man I was involved with did not leave his wife (because of the children). I was not angry, continued to see him for about a year after my divorce and then I told him it was time for me to look for a more stable relationship. I dated others and remarried 4 years later. New Husband was great for about a year then slowly showed his true colors. (not abusive like 1st husband, but very much in his own little word, takes our marriage for granted very much) 2 years into my new marriage MM calls me and tells me he is now separated and going to be divorced. A little too late and my new marriage was rocky but not horrible. MM divorces and stays single for about 4 years, calls occasionally just to say hello. Early last summer he calls and tells me he's met someone and is thinking of marrying her. My marriage is now pretty dull and husband shows no interest in doing a thing to make things better (ie counseling). So is MM asking me "for permission" to remarry? I say do what you think in your heart is what you want. Well he marrys her in Aug, doesn't tell me, but I find out. I figure OK he will certainly now disappear. I wish him the best. No, he calls me even more about once a week. He always gets back to the same thing. If things had fallen into place for us, would you have married me. Well yes, at least I think so. Always reminiscing about the things we use to do and how much we were in sinc with one another. So basically is he telling me he only married her because he couldn't have me, but he wasn't willing to wait. I was honest with him, I told him that I did not see the problems in my marriage leading to divorce any time soon, that I was trying to convince my husband to work on these issues and had not had success. I have not met with MM, we only talk on the phone. He says he would like to see me, but puts no pressure on me to do so. It's a roller coaster ride of emotions for me when he calls, depending on whether it has been a good week or a bad week at home. You know wondering what might have been if things had honestly worked out between me and MM before I remarried. Why does it have to be so dang complicated. He told me that he and his new wife are in the process of buying a home, so it doesn't look like he's thinking of bailing out on her either. So why the endless walk down memory lane? If all he really wanted was to get physical, I think he would have given up a long time ago given that I have not shown any interest in meeting him. He was so great to me and my children during the end of my 1st marriage. I would have to write a book about all the things he did for me, how he basically gave me back my self esteem and the courage to leave a man who had hurt me for over 5 years. It is because of that, that I keep talking to him and find it hard to say maybe we just shouldn't even be talking. Dont know what to do or what to think? Rose
MarnieGirl Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 tell him that marriages aren't just playdates. it seems you both have seen marriage that way, and that's not how it's supposed to be. it doesn't seem healthy to just switch around relationships whenever there's a bad day.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Don't cheat on your husband, whatever you do. That's just not the right thing to do. As for your MM - Well, he's selfish and what he's doing to his new wife is really awful. I feel bad for her, she hasn't a clue what sort of man she's married to. You are his ego feed. Yeah, I'm sure he has feelings for you - and cares for you, so it's not malcious as it seems - But, why else would he still want to talk to you, ask you permission to marry someone else? EGO EGO and more EGO. He enjoys that you have feelings for him, that you listen to him. He's getting alot out of it...And that's not right or fair for his marriage and his new wife. It's time to move on, tell him that he has a wife and a new life with her and it would be best if he didn't call you anymore. And it's doing damage to you too, his mixed signals. If he truly loves you, then he'll respect your wishes by leaving you alone.
RealityCheck Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 tell him that marriages aren't just playdates. it seems you both have seen marriage that way, and that's not how it's supposed to be. it doesn't seem healthy to just switch around relationships whenever there's a bad day. Huh????? I don't believe the poster views marriage as a "playdate"!! Her first marriage was abusive, her second marriage lacks partnership! I don't see your response to the poster at all realistic or comforting, only judgemental!! Having been in an emotionally abusive marriage myself, I can speak first handed on how much damage can be done to the other on the receiving end and when there is someone to pick you up it truly is a blessing no matter what form it comes in! The poster wasn't asking for an opinion in her marriages!! WTF!!! Read this post again!!!
lovernotafighter Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 my opinion...stop him...tell him how you feel..obviously he is asking if he should get married or not...you both might do this till your in a nursing home if you don't do it now..at least tell him how you feel and let the chips fall where they may.
MarnieGirl Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Huh????? I don't believe the poster views marriage as a "playdate"!! Her first marriage was abusive, her second marriage lacks partnership! I don't see your response to the poster at all realistic or comforting, only judgemental!! Having been in an emotionally abusive marriage myself, I can speak first handed on how much damage can be done to the other on the receiving end and when there is someone to pick you up it truly is a blessing no matter what form it comes in! The poster wasn't asking for an opinion in her marriages!! WTF!!! Read this post again!!! hit a nerve? sorry. i still think it looks that way. maybe you should read it again. if you still disagree, that's just dandy. the difference is i won't freak out on you, because i understand different people see things differently from each other. and if you believe the op isn't looking for opinion, it doesn't seem to make much sense to offer up your own.
Love Hurts Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 I would keep him as a true friend............ Nothing more. Do not be the female that wrecks his marriage. If you two were meant to be .......................... back when you had a chance..................... you would have made it clear.......... you wanted to be with him. You did not. Keep the friendship.................. forget the potential for love. He may children on the way soon and life goes on. I have a great friend that wanted to marry me............ I married another. He and I are great friends today. Even now I am no longer with my husband.... my friend is there........... till death do we part friendship. One true friend is better than fine gold. Like you, he was emotionally supportive of me...... and I of him. I made mention of him in an earlier post.... he is blind........ now. He was in the begining stages of glaucomma when I met him. Believe it or not........... he has a girlfriend. He is an educated man, helper of the world, accomplishements to the hall of fame in Cannonsburg PA.............. great man. I am honored to know him, yet alone call him friend. You have a friend through hell and high water. That is it. Move on ...... take time out...... and One Day at a Time.
aktieb0cka Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 So basically is he telling me he only married her because he couldn't have me, but he wasn't willing to wait. What the hell is he doing? That is a terrible reason to get married. I hope he reconsiders that decision.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 Rose, To be honest with you, your MM doesn't sound like a keeper (husband material). He's about to get married and buy a house with her... yet he's bringing up the old times together with you??? Be clear with him about the boundaries of your 'friendship' because I think that's the best solution for both him and you. Big props to you for wanting to work on your marriage. My husband was not excited about going to MC with me and absolutely denied that there were any problems in our marriage (it was all in my head). Anyway, I finally put my foot down and told him in no uncertain terms that I was getting a divorce. He got it... and we are in MC now.
RealityCheck Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 my opinion...stop him...tell him how you feel..obviously he is asking if he should get married or not...you both might do this till your in a nursing home if you don't do it now..at least tell him how you feel and let the chips fall where they may. *laughing* Now this is worth responding too!!! LNF "nursing home" .....now that's funny!!
zarathustra Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 It's a roller coaster ride of emotions for me when he calls, depending on whether it has been a good week or a bad week at home. You know wondering what might have been if things had honestly worked out between me and MM before I remarried. Why does it have to be so dang complicated. He told me that he and his new wife are in the process of buying a home, so it doesn't look like he's thinking of bailing out on her either. So why the endless walk down memory lane? If all he really wanted was to get physical, I think he would have given up a long time ago given that I have not shown any interest in meeting him He was so great to me and my children during the end of my 1st marriage. I would have to write a book about all the things he did for me, how he basically gave me back my self esteem and the courage to leave a man who had hurt me for over 5 years. It is because of that, that I keep talking to him and find it hard to say maybe we just shouldn't even be talking. Dont know what to do or what to think? Rose Hi Rose, If its a roller coaster ride with you when he calls, then you really need to put a stop to it. I think that sometimes its hard for anyone to let go of good memories. Tracking down memory lane really doesn't do much but just keep you stuck in a moment in time. Maybe its time to really say goodbye to him and just stop talking to him. One thing is for certain, you are both unavailable to each other. You are both not going to make yourself available to each other in the foreseeable future. So why continue in this self destructive path? tell him that marriages aren't just playdates. it seems you both have seen marriage that way, and that's not how it's supposed to be. it doesn't seem healthy to just switch around relationships whenever there's a bad day. I agree with RealityCheck, Marnie... I think that you're the one that needs to re-read the OP's post. Neither the OP or her MM has switched around relationships when there was a bad day and you have done nothing on this thread in terms of support, which is something that Rose is asking for. Many of us are very protective of each other. So I hope you can be 'dandy' with that too.
Author SARose61 Posted June 9, 2006 Author Posted June 9, 2006 I have read each and every reply and thank you all for taking the time to read my post, and offer suggestions, opinions however varied they may be, each one is greatly appreciated! I thought long and hard about this last night. Came in to work this morning to a message waiting from MM to give him a call. I've decided to lay the cards on the table and truly ask him what is behind his calls. If we are to maintain our friendship (and that is really in my heart all that I would want and I am going to tell him that.) He needs to move on. Stop the reminiscing already. What might have been, just didn't happen. Rose
Guest Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 I have read each and every reply and thank you all for taking the time to read my post, and offer suggestions, opinions however varied they may be, each one is greatly appreciated! I thought long and hard about this last night. Came in to work this morning to a message waiting from MM to give him a call. I've decided to lay the cards on the table and truly ask him what is behind his calls. If we are to maintain our friendship (and that is really in my heart all that I would want and I am going to tell him that.) He needs to move on. Stop the reminiscing already. What might have been, just didn't happen. Rose Can I throw something out here? Maybe its fate? Ok, before you all scream NO, maybe it is? We cant control how we feel about someone. If he is contacting you, after all these years, he still feels something for you! What you decide, and how you feel, of course navigates the way the relationship goes. Sometimes we wonder, what if? And, if we truely feel this feeling for someone, we may live with regrets if we didnt at least try and express how we feel. If you dont feel that same way, yo HAVE to tell him! Just my 2 cents.
babydoll_mimi Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 I tend to agree w/ guest... maybe it's just my wishful thinking that I'm projecting onto your situation...but you never know. Follow your heart...if that's to just be his friend, stop talking to him, or maybe start something again. You never know...maybe you'll tell him, and remain his friend, and when the circumstances change, y'all could end up together. Maybe I don't know men very well, but I say if he's still trying after 12 yrs, it's something. If all he wanted was another affair, he could pick anyone. Just a thought...
MarnieGirl Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Many of us are very protective of each other. So I hope you can be 'dandy' with that too. it is really wonderful that you have such close kinship with your online pals. i don't. however, nothing i said was insulting, so relax. you may defend anyone all you want, but keep in mind this site wasn't built for cliques to talk to each other and to get pissed off at anyone who disagrees with a certain poster or their friends. so be dandy with that and we'll be dandy together.
MarnieGirl Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 I have read each and every reply and thank you all for taking the time to read my post, and offer suggestions, opinions however varied they may be, each one is greatly appreciated! you are welcome. and some of us definitely appreciate your maturity when it comes to varied opinions. i wish you luck.
Blind Illusion Posted June 14, 2006 Posted June 14, 2006 I don't know the answer, I really don't. What jumped out on me is the appreciation I had for your sentiment that the original affair with helped helped you in a positive way to realize certain things about myself and how a marriage partner should NOT be like. I can see that with me also.
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