wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I am looking for some feedback from others. My wife and I have been having some problems for a bit now. Mostly it involves our own personal shortcomings than anything. I understand the things that I have not done well and we have been working on it more lately. Now, for the longest time, she had secluded herself from doing a lot with others and that is changing for the good. Only thing is one of the people that she has gotten close to is a man who is going through a divorce. I want her to be able to have friends outside of our home, but this one is really bugging me. I know that there is nothing physical going on between them, but everyday they are talking, emailing, and my favorite - text messaging! I believe that they have ongoing discussions all day long at times. I feel kind of stupid, and feel like I am getting upset over nothing. Is there something wrong with this? We have talked and she does know this makes me uncomfortable at times. I want her to be able to help others and to feel needed in that way. She is spending more time with girlfriends too, which I am all in favor of. Am I being over jealous here? It sure seems like it! Just give me a little feedback so that I can continue to work on this in a positive way! Thanks!!!!
stacym75 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Well how long has this been going on?Is it all the time ,everyday?Then i would be a little worried.If i was doing that with someone for quite awhile i think i would be starting to have some type of feelings for them.Is this guy someone u both know or just her?Does the guy know she is married and maybe having a little trouble herself?Maybe she likes this attention from someone else.If it contiues then maybe u need to tell her that it really bothers you and its taking away from your marriage.Hope this helps a little.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 She's spending too much time with the one man - That isn't good for the marriage. Come right out and ask HER how she would feel if you had a woman friend whom you talked to by phone, did emails with and instant messaging with. I'm betting she would be so jealous and wonder wtf was going on between you two. This 'friendship' between them isn't good for your marriage. It's growing and so are feelings. Doesn't mean she's having sex with him, but the next step IS a physical affair. If you really want to know what they say to eachother, install a keylogger that will capture their conversations and emails...Be prepared for anything. How does she react when you come into the room if she's online with him? Does she hide the IM box from you? Is she nervous? You have to find out how serious their friendship is - And tell her to stop it.
Adora Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 If you two were having an awesome, perfect marriage, I would say it shouldn't be something to worry about. But you say that you two have ongoing problems as is, and are in the process of working them out. In my eyes, I would be a bit worried, as you are. I know in my past when I had problems with my SO, and started speaking with someone else, the things I was missing in my current relationship, I found with the new friend. I am not saying that this will happen with you and your wife, but I will say you have every right to be concerned. If she feels the need to stay friends with this person, see about perhaps letting you in on their conversations. You befriending him as well, don't have it so private. Other then that I don't really know what to say. Has her attitude towards you and your marriage changed at all since they have become 'close' friends? If you have actually noticed changes in her behavior towards you, then you have the right to ask her to step away from this friendship, as it is putting a damper on your marriage.
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 He is somebody that I work with and that she coached with so we both know him - the everyday thing has been going on for quite some time. I really do not know if she tells him all that much about herself, but I am trying not to be naive at the same time! She does delete all of her text messages and has not been online with him in a while. I know they talk almost everyday and she does share what he is talking about with his trouble, but it is the texting that bugs me. Especially if it is late at night - I hate knowing that he is the last one she talks to most nights!
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 in regards to our marriage overall, we hit a low point. She seems committed to working it out and has told me that a few times in the past weeks. My thing is if we are struggling, then how can she spend this much energy everyday helping somebody else - I know it makes her feel good about herself, but....I don't know
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Especially if it is late at night - I hate knowing that he is the last one she talks to most nights! Then tell her that has to stop. That is time away from you two, so late at night. Not fair to you at all. Can I ask? What if you told the guy to back off abit and that you're concerned he's talking to your wife too much. Sure, it's great he's getting support, but why only from her? Your wife? doesn't he have others he can talk to? Family? MALE friends? Why so much with your wife? I hope I'm not putting fears into your head, but I'm telling you, it's TOO much. She's too involved in his life, his problems and because of where he is emotionally, and her being female, loving to help and fix things - Can be a dangerous combination...Feelings can easily develope and lead into something else - Unexpectedily. So just keep your eyes open and be aware of the changes in her behaviour. Her energy is being spent in other places, when it should be fixing things with you. She is putting the OM first over you and the marriage, not a good thing.
stacym75 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 She probably feels needed by him so that is why it continues,but i don't see how that is good for your marriage.I mean what do they need to talk about so badly everyday that they didn't discuss the day before or the night before?The texting ,what are they texting about everynight.Its night like u have a whole lot to type on there .So i think maybe there might be a little more into it.Have u said anything to the OM?Maybe u need to.
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 I may have to talk with him a bit. I do know him and we do work together so that is an issue in all of this too. You are really putting it out there for me and I appreciate that - I do not want to sit awake at night wondering what tomorrow will bring. she has also gone to see him a few times alone - this is something I do not think I can allow anymore either
Art_Critic Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 She probably feels needed by him so that is why it continues, I agree.. she is also replacing the connection in your marriage with the connection to him.. you need to pull her aside and speak with her about it.. if it is a dealbreaker to her then you have your answer and her relationship to him means way too much.. otherwise she will cut back and really start the work on the marriage
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 Not to sound ignorant here, but what do you mean by a dealbreaker what am I asking?
Adora Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 she has also gone to see him a few times alone - this is something I do not think I can allow anymore either That doesn't seem right to me. She has no need to see him in person if all they are doing is talking about his problems. I would definitely have a man to man talk with this gent. and let him know that you are not comfortable with him taking your wife on as his one and only friend. He needs an outlet elsewhere, as your wife is already spoken for and should only be a shoulder to lean on for you, during your own problems.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I may have to talk with him a bit. I do know him and we do work together so that is an issue in all of this too. You are really putting it out there for me and I appreciate that - I do not want to sit awake at night wondering what tomorrow will bring. she has also gone to see him a few times alone - this is something I do not think I can allow anymore either I highlighted in bold your words. Her being a married woman (to you), she should NOT be going out spending alone time with him. And he knows this too. I'm sure that if it was HIS wife, talking to YOU, he'd have a problem with it (obviously if they were still together), so I think this is a case stop it all NOW before it gets more serious.
basscatcher Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 ..........Only thing is one of the people that she has gotten close to is a man who is going through a divorce............ this is a huge redflag for me because I can see from personal experience I want her to be able to have friends outside of our home, but this one is really bugging me. I know that there is nothing physical going on between them, but everyday they are talking, emailing, and my favorite - text messaging! I believe that they have ongoing discussions all day long at times. There's a thread here on Intuition... I have to say--pay attention to your intuition. My xh had a gut feeling about me and back then I played it off as this guy and I were just good friends. Actually, I began to have an emotional affair, which lead to more. I didn't want to have an affair--I lost control of myself because my marriage problems were so huge and overwhelming I wanted to run and disappear. So I disappeared into this other man who was also have major marital problems. We leaned on each other and used each other for comfort. She is spending more time with girlfriends too, which I am all in favor of. Am I being over jealous here? It sure seems like it! Just give me a little feedback so that I can continue to work on this in a positive way! Thanks!!!! In my opinion -- my gut, my instincts, my experience says your wife is headed down a bad road. I was innocent in the beginning with my support and friendship of my OM. I fell flat on my face when the going go so tough I wished I was dead. I also hung out with my gfs more during the time of my affiar. I was on the phone all the time. I started to have girls nights out with my friends--no husbands or bfs. (genuine girls outings, no men--it was my way of staying away from my husband. The excuse.) I hope I am wrong about your wife... I hope it is innocent for your and HER sake. If she crosses the line it will be just as, if not more, devastating to her for what she does or doesn't as it will/would be for you. Communication between you and her is critical right now. She is turning elsewhere. That is not a good thing.
Art_Critic Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Not to sound ignorant here, but what do you mean by a dealbreaker what am I asking? If she refuses to calm down the relationship.. See.. if she does refuse then she is chosing him over you and that is a dealbreaker
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 would any of this be different if all that she was communicating was open to me? I just battle in my head with this NOT allowing her to do something and at the same time feel that if I just sit here - something might happen.
Art_Critic Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Do a role reversal ... Would it be appropiate for you to be doing that with another woman ? Also would she think it was okay ?
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 Okay - I understand the dealbreaker part! that is a good point!
basscatcher Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I can't impress more--- When I was heading down the wrong road with my OM--before we started the physical affair--I seperated myself from my spoiuse anyway possible. I became more active outside of the home. I spent more time chatting with my friends and hanging out with them. I found ways to seperate myself from my spouse. Once I got into that mode I don't think there was anything that could have pulled me back. I had subconciously decieded to run away from my husband. I didn't see what I was dong then but I surely do know when I look back and remember what I was feeling and wanting. I wanted to run... My xh instincts were right on but I refused to believe him because I wasn't fully conciously aware of what I was doing. I was so emotionally caught up in what I was feeling I didn't see the big picture. I blindsided myself.. I lied to myself... I betrayed myself... I pray your wife isn't doing the same thing to herself.
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 Yes - she did share with me that she was looking for her 'girls' night out as a way to escape - and we have talked about that. so I appreciate that other insight as well - this is so important and she is so important to me!
stacym75 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 this is so important and she is so important to me! (quote) This is why u should step in and have a talk with the OM ,if you don't this will oviously lead to something u don't want.And her going to see him by herself is not a good idea at all.
basscatcher Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 This is why u should step in and have a talk with the OM ,if you don't this will oviously lead to something u don't want.And her going to see him by herself is not a good idea at all. This doesn't work. My OM and my H knew each other, eventually they had to work together side by side. Rumors started in the plant that there was something going on between my om and I and they plant manager who was also my OM and my former Supervisor moved OM to work with my H. (yeah, good plant gossip and politics...) OM lied to H. Befriended him even more. OM even came out for my bday party once and rubbed shoulders with our circle of friends. All the while checking me out my a$$ and legs when he thought no one was paying attention. OM found ways to hide our secret. Just as I did. Being that we worked in different departments I had to work overtime or H had to work overtime gave OM and I opportuinty to meet in the city park on the back gravel road before I had to get home... Where there's a will, there's a way.. Two brains work better then one when making secretive plans. Our affair went on for 5 months in which: he made the first move---I made the last move and ended it... We kept it a secret until 10 years later when we both finally went back to our Xs and admitted our past. For 10 yrs we kept the secret that destroyed all our attempts to find peace and happiness in our lives. The secret that broke both of us up inside... Just because jbartz confronts OM and befriends him doesn't mean it will railroad an affair. Whats the saying "Keeps your friends close; but your enemies closer" if jbartz gets to close he could be blinded more from the truth. He needs to get his wife and himself into counceling. Something is wrong in the communication and that is why she is straying their problems elsewhere and why she feels the need to help this OM. What she is doing for the OM is what she should and needs to be doing for her H. There is a breakdown in communication and trust for some reason. She doens't feel she can trust reaching out to help her H. She is reaching out to OM to listen her and understand her.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Yes - she did share with me that she was looking for her 'girls' night out as a way to escape - and we have talked about that. so I appreciate that other insight as well - this is so important and she is so important to me! Having a girls night out isn't a big deal. As a married couple, it's healthy to have those times away from your spouse - As long as it's for the right reasons. If she's doing that so she doesn't have to spend time with you, then that's not good - But if it's just because she wants to spend time with a girl friend, then that's not a big deal. Please talk to her about everything that you're feeling. And let the OM know he's spending too much time relying on your wife. And if he is that messed up, he should consider therapy or something.
Author wanttoknow Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 I do not think she has shared all that much with him about us - but that is a question that needs to be answered too, otherwise I do not get the daily communication thing still!If she says that she is committed to begin working on 'our' problems, then what kind of behavior should I be watching for there too? If the time spent communicating with the OM is reduced, then what? Should this be an all or nothing thing?
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Problem is, you really don't know that. If he is sharing alot, (and again, I don't mean to scare you...) but if you read some threads in the OW/OM section, you'll see that the MM(married man) tells his OW that his marriage is awful, when infact it isn't. He tells his OW how horrible his wife is, when again, infact, she isn't. It's just a way of opening that door more and more so the lines can be crossed again and again - Which leads to the actual affair. I"m not saying your wife is saying anything bad about you or the marriage, but don't think it's not possible. I still think you need to install a keylogger on her computer so you can track what they're talking about. Does she get nervous when you walk in the room if she's talking to him? Hide the little IM box?
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