what happened to my self-control?

[brunopjones]

I haven't had less of a grasp on where my head or heart is since high school, so I'm this throwing my indiscretion out there for feedback or possible insight from/for others on one side of an affair or another. Maybe this helps me sort it out myself.

 

10 years married, 5 years preceeding that with my wife, long my best friend. 2 kids, 2 careers and a ton of stress just managing day to day life have taken a toll on our relationship. We generally get along, but have become more roomates and coworkers (as parents) than a couple. 2-3 months ago I crossed a line and made the decision that I was justified (to myself at least) in seeking sexual/emotional fulfillment elsewhere--sort of a "if she doen't want to have sex with me, why should she care if somebody else does?" attitude.

 

It didn't take long to put that new policy into practice and I hooked up on a business trip-- a one-nighter with a 22yo girl 2K miles away from home. Our last names, much less my marital status, never came up. Perfect scenario--clean, easy, everybody happy and moving on (22yos are more sexually liberal than 15 years ago it seems). I felt surprisingly little guilt--I really felt justified, for lack of a better word. I knew I might feel more guilty later, but I was completely unconcerned--the first alarming sign.

 

Back to the wife and we're getting along pretty well--we even had sex. Within a week, I've called the girl at her work, gotten her contact info. and set about scheduling another rendezvous on a subsequent biz trip a month later. I like my wife as a person for sure, but at this point I was feeling zero connection/attraction to her and am focused on my newfound indulgence. I was thinking this seemed somewhat sociopathic, but I didn't care.

 

That second meeting was, again, very sex-centric, but we had a fun 24 hours together and added a little intimacy to the mix. We were more compatible than I would have guessed. She still doesn't know I'm married--neither of our relationship status came up and I didn't volunteer anything. If I had to guess, I don't think it would be that big a deal to her--she seems to have a very active, party lifestyle and doesn't seem interested in much from me. I guess we're friends with benies or F-buddies in her world. None-the-less, I feel like I'm cheating on her also by not being up front about my marital status.

 

So, here I sit, 5 days after that second incident--no real guilt about what I've done to my wife (whom I still think is a great person) or possibly my kids, but yet feeling guilty for not coming clean to my OW, who likely couldn't care less. I am fighting an intense daily battle with myself to keep from contacting the girl and starting the process toward another meeting. I can't imagine I'll be successful for too much longer. Probably the only thing standing in the way is a commitment to myself not to get with the girl again w/o fessing up to being married. Like I said, I think I feel the worst about that.

 

I know this all sounds very weak (it does to me), but I feel really detached and out of control, powerless even--I usually have good self-control. A big part of me just doesn't seem to care anymore and that's not going to result in anything good for anybody. I'm hurridly trying to get into some therapy, but that has to happen through my wife/her insurance and I don't want to alarm her by pestering her too much to get me in. I am seriously considering a confession to the girlfriend in the half-hearted hope she'll pull the plug. Of course, that could also lead to more contact if she's cool with it.

 

This whole thing reeks a little bit of mid-life crisis too. I'm a young looking/acting 37y/o and am again enjoying the life I had at 22.

 

Does anybody have any advice to help me get through at least one more day without doing any more damage? I'm fast running out of stop-gap measures. I'm very worried about what I might do in a moment of weakness.

 

Thanks

[witabix]

Well sir, welcome to "bord de la vide".

 

I know this place well, I stood there some 15 years ago myself. I know the feeling well.

 

This is what I did, I had not at this point gone as far as you have, I became aware of the feelings you speak of first and did not act.

 

Instead I thought it over for a while, a few weeks/months. I came to the conclusion that the relationship we had was not what I wanted. We had fought and talked and discussed it all over the preceeding years. I could not get my wife to see things from my perspective, and perhaps I was unable to truly understand her side of it.

 

She was as unhappy and unfulfilled as I was, we were going through the motions. I decided to be the one to call an end to it.

 

I did this to her face, openly, with all questions answered and with no chance of rehashing old ground again. It hurt us both, greatly.

 

I could not envisage doing what you are already doing now. I could not do this to my children, or my wife. I did not hate her. I had too much respect for myself as well.

 

I ended it before the situation you describe could envelope us.

 

You are heading into a more painful and damaging firestorm than the one I went through after the seperation. I sat alone in the evenings after work and cried for six months. How, after twelve years of marriage could we both have got it so wrong? But we walked away from each other respectfully.

 

You must decide to what extent you want to punish your wife and children for the way you feel now.

 

You must decide how fulfilling this dalliance with another is in your life.

 

You must decide how much respect you show to yourself.

 

Believe when I tell you this is not the way. This is not the way. You have transgressed against your own standards I am sure.

 

If you do not want your wife to be your wife anymore you must be brave enough to tell her, and to tell her why, and to fully expalin yourself. Before you can do this you must be able to fully explain it to yourself.

 

Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you see someone you are happy with, honestly?

 

Look at your wife. Does she seem happy, contented, with her lot in life. Is there no possibility that she is thinking the same as you? Not acting on it out of a sense of loyalty?

 

Look at your children. Do they truly deserve the veil of pain you are drawing over their heads?

 

Think long and hard on this my friend. Your next course of action will decide the fate of three other lives.

 

It is in your hands. I hope that justice and fairplay will prevail here for you, your wife and your children.

 

Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

You've had terrific advice from Witibix. You'd be wise to take his words to heart.

 

I do want to add one suggestion, and that is.... have a VERY frank talk with your medical doctor. Believe me, s/he's heard it all before so you aren't going to be shocking anybody. You're a bit on the young side for MLC, but I that doesn't mean it's not what you're dealing with.

 

Personally, I think there's a correlation between physiology and psychology, particularly at this time in a man's life. It's entirely possible that medication could readjust your available serotonin levels and put the fire out on your 'search for dopamine'. I think there's probably a natural adjustment phase chemically at the midlife, and if it's affecting your decision-making process.... then you might need some help getting through it.

 

You need to get some STD screenings anyway. It sounds like the 22 year-old that you had sexual contact with might be a bit indiscriminate.

 

Give some consideration to telling your wife what has happened. It might end your marriage to do so.... but to be honest, she has an absolute right to make her own decisions. You're not being fair to her in that regard.

[Guest]

I can very much relate to the orginal poster. Somewhat similiar circumstances. Married relatively young, kids, wife and I both work. Got along but felt like roomates to a degree and felt like I have change over the years. I never really had chance to date since met wife in high school. Anyway.....about your age I started flirting more, etc.........some online, some at work. The result??? It has opened pandoras box for me. I am not content anymore. Part of me wants to leave marriage. Part of me feels guilty. Part of me is convinced I do not love my wife. Part of me thinks there is someone out there that is more of a match. You see........I felt warn down from the rat race of 3 kids, two working parents. The excitement of my brief affair, one real and one emotional one online for 6 months, gave me the idea that I could be happy, finding a closer match to my personality.

 

I did not feel much in the way of guilt either. I felt justified. But even with that all put aside, the stress from being confused has not been worth it. There are weeks I think to myself, how could I hurt kids and wife? Other times I think.....well, I really do not love wife that much. I should separate. And although I do not have contact with the woman from the brief affair, I love her personality and still have yearnings for her.

 

Soooo, my conclusion is..........it does not come free. Good luck.

[catgirl1927]

I think witabix is absolutely right. You may be unhappy in your marriage, but NOTHING justifies cheating. No matter how dull things are at home, she has done nothing to deserve such spiteful, hateful treatment. There is no reason to humiliate her over and over again.