I've put us on NC indefinitely... :(

[AriaIncognito]

Since some of you have been following my threads regarding the guy I've been seeing that kept being "conflicted" and whatnot...

 

I've imposed NC. I had to. I keep getting hurt because one minute, he's awesomely happy with me, and the next, he's off on his own somewhere and saying that he's feeling confused (because he's jewish and I"m not, amongst other things). He needs time alone to see what I mean to him, if anything. I'm forcing that, because I can no longer sit here and let myself feel like I'm being used. If he wants to be with me, well the break will certainly show him that, and if he doesn't want to be with me, well then I guess it's best that I start my healing/grieving process now, rather than a year from now where it will hurt even more.

 

I've been really sad all day, but what can I do. I feel like I have to do this, in order to prove to him that I'm serious about him. I want to put the effort into us, but not if he doesn't. That's not fair to me.

 

I hope you'll all be here to listen when I come bawling. I'm sure it'll be more than I'd like....

 

Thanks to all for being here so far.

 

Jennifer

[allina]

I'm in a similar situation. I was with someone I cared a ton about. Things were great, then this weekend we break up. I'm trying to be strong and not call/im and do the whole "I miss you!" thing that I know will make me feel foolish. Take care *hugs*

[AriaIncognito]

Our similar situation sucks. (try saying that 3 times fast.) He's online right now. I really want to contact him but I know I have to stick to my guns and be strong and give him space to potentially figure things out for himself. It's not like i KNOW we would work for forever, I just want the shot at trying.

 

Sigh. Relationships are hard.

 

I feel blue, and lonely.

 

Jennifer

[brightskies]

I've imposed NC. I had to. I keep getting hurt because one minute, he's awesomely happy with me, and the next, he's off on his own somewhere and saying that he's feeling confused (because he's jewish and I"m not, amongst other things). He needs time alone to see what I mean to him, if anything.

 

I'm forcing that, because I can no longer sit here and let myself feel like I'm being used. If he wants to be with me, well the break will certainly show him that, and if he doesn't want to be with me, well then I guess it's best that I start my healing/grieving process now, rather than a year from now where it will hurt even more.

 

Your man may genuinely care for you, but based on what you've written thus far, it sounds like his upbringing and adherence to tradition might trump his feelings for you. I'm glad to read that you're taking the situation in hand instead of letting him run roughshod over you.

 

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong. If you feel the urge to make contact, just vent here.

[AriaIncognito]

I do believe that he does care about me. He's too good with me to not care. I am sure the upbringing could very well trump any feelings, and well, that makes me very sad. However, I guess it's better to know now than have him tell me a long time from now when I've fallen even deeper.

 

Do i hold the romantic notion that he'll be "lost without me" and come running back, of course. Unfortunately, I do. I wish I didn't, but right now, i'm clinging to that little bit of hope I have that he will see what he has in me, and give it the chance it deserves.

 

Sigh. It's hard. It's hard to walk away from someone you care about. Always. I just wish i understood why it seems easy for people to not give relationships a chance, when it's so hard to walk away.

 

Jennifer

[eyeswideshut]

oh aria...

my guy is Jewish too!

But it's not his faith that trumps us it's his marriage!

I feel for you.

Have you done the NC yet?

You've told him and all?

I'm about to do mine, and I'll be here too, venting like crazy.

So we can vent off each other...stay strong grrl.

[AriaIncognito]

Yup, I started our NC a few hours ago. He's been online, but I've been restraining myself. I've gotta do this for myself. I deserve someone who will love me as much as I'll love them. I deserve to be in a relationship where I'm not worried about how they will be acting today vs yesterday. I hope that he uses this time wisely, and really hope that we have a happily ever after, but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I am doomed to 18 cats...

 

Jennifer

[AriaIncognito]

Being at work during NC proves difficult. I'm so used to him emailing me back and forth about his day and whatnot. Sadness. I'm trying to stay upbeat, but it's hard. I hate to think I still have a small hope he'll come to the conclusion that he wants a life with me, but I guess I can't discount what the heart wants, regardless.

 

Just felt like venting. Thanks for listening. Almost made the 24 hour mark of no contact. Maybe I'll throw myself a party for making it a day LOL

 

Jennifer

[destination_unknown]

Your doing the right thing.

 

Maybe if you hide his online status from yourself and remove his usernames it will help ya stay strong.

 

Just come on here if ya feel like contact.

 

NC is the best thing you can do in your situation, because you shouldnt let yourself be strung along by somebody who wont commit.

 

You can do it ! Give yourself a little treat for every day you dont break NC

[noclobber]

ahhh... I know your story very well Jen!

 

gosh talk about religion separating people... especially in a country like America!

 

as you know very well, the girl that i liked didn't want anything serious with me 'cos she is Jewish and I am not..

 

i really think you are doing the right thing. if i know better i guess your situation has been in the grey area for quite a long time now. its time that you got your answers in black and white. and doing NC at this point is the right thing to do.

 

i hope you stay strong!

 

PS: how exactly did you initiate NC? did you send an email? what did you write? if you don't mind can you plz share it with me? (you can also PM me).

[jerbear]

Ariawoman,

 

Sing an aria, those songs are always the best in my book.

 

I would suggest focusing on doing things you always wanted to do but never did. Focus on a goal.

 

You can do it!

 

I'm entering the 3rd month of NC and all I got was an empty VM the day before my bday, two months age. I graduated with an MS last month and now looking for a new job.

 

I told her that I gave up and she knows where to find me, went NC after that.

 

Just have to be strong and delete VM's that came from him. Get caller ID so you don't inadvertently pick up. Let certain calls goto VM, delete emails that come from him. Don't read it, don't double click on it, just delete it or put the email address(es) spam filter.

[allina]

Aria, thank you so much for today/tonight. I would have totally caved had it not been for your company. I'm wishing you the best.

[AriaIncognito]

Aria, thank you so much for today/tonight. I would have totally caved had it not been for your company. I'm wishing you the best.

 

Anytime babe :-) It goes both ways here. Lord knows I wanted to cave a million times in each minutes hehe. NC is hard. I really am enjoying reading these books I took out of the library though. I can't believe how much the one book is describing exactly what he's doing right now with his confusion...

 

For those interested or whatever, the book is Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray. I swear to you, reading chapter 4 is like they took my man, and wrote about exactly him. It's almost scary. At least I can sort of understand where he's at now, whereas before I found it to be totally abnormal. The book almost opened my eyes to the fact that people have different reactions to potentially wanting to go exclusive...some welcome it with open arms, and some think about it until the cows come home because they want to be absolutely sure their mind/heart is in the right place.

 

Interesting reading, honestly.

 

Off to start day 2 of no contact...well technically 2.5 ;-)

 

Jennifer

[Brweyes31]

hello. I think we should form a NC support group! I have found such comfort in reading posts with people going through similar situations. I have had NC with someone that I knew for 2 years, FWB for 6 months, then the past 6 months really close friends without benefits. He was someone I talked to every day and for hours at a time, saw him 2 or 3 times per week. 6 weeks ago - I told him I wanted more. He never said yes, never said no. He gave me attitude in a email exchange and I haven't talked to him since. It's been very difficult - but I'm trying to let go and move on. I wish I could say it's getting easier - but I don't know. I really miss him. It's getting easier because I can now eat and sleep normally - but there's a missing part of me that would love to talk to him again. It's even more of a challenge because he lives right by me and we know all the same people. But - I think time is on my side.

I can relate to you Ariawoman because he went back and forth about wanting something and there's always been an issue because we are different races. It was never an issue with me - but for him it was.

I have been reading a lot too -and it's been helpful.

 

Hang in there NC people.

[AriaIncognito]

Man, it's hitting me hard today. Only day 2 of NC and I'm feeling like garbage. I want so badly for him to call me, to tell me he's been foolish, that he wants to be with me. I want so badly to just be next to him. I want, so badly, to just be. I hate that i get this way over someone. I hate that I feel like I have no control over my own happiness right now, that i"ve let someone else become so important to me, that I find little else to concentrate on. I HATE that.

 

Please help.

 

I keep being sent reminders from the universe, that's not helping either. A certain song keeps coming on the radio (though it kinda fell outta play a month or so ago, all of a sudden, it's on more again?) and then today someone pointed out to me that a certain number was following me around here at work. (we have numbers assigned to things we write up, and the number 24 kept being in my list. this guy asked me if i reserved all the 24s). I got to thinking about it and i realized what significance 24 has. It's his house number.

 

Why am I being reminded by the universe of his existence if I need to get over him, is what i want to know.

 

Jennifer

[Brweyes31]

Hi Jennifer.

 

Just a little post of confidence - that you can get through this and it will get easier. Even though it's painful....it will feel better if you stick with NC and he comes to you.

 

He's got some issues to work out - and until the time comes - just keep busy and remind yourself that you're doing what is best for you, even though it hurts like hell.

[AriaIncognito]

Thanks Brweyes...I just can't help but think I'm foolish to think there's a shot in the future. I guess anything is possible, but I just feel dumb. I've been dating since i was like 14....when will it work out....that's what I wanna know (and I'm sure all of us here want to know lol)

 

Thanks for the support I appreciate it.

 

Jennifer

[AriaIncognito]

Day 3. Still hanging in. Still wanna contact him though lol. I'm going out to a dating event today, at least trying to be social and meet people and not sit around, waiting for him to get back to me on whether or not he wants me. I'd love to tell him I was going out today to look for his replacement, but of course, I wont.

 

Sigh. Doesn't make him any easier though. I'd be with him in a heartbeat.

 

Jennifer

[Brweyes31]

Hello. I can empathize so much with you and your situation and it sucks. Thanks for the recommendation on the Mars and Venus dating book - it is very good. I recently read In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant and it's very good. I find comfort in reading and lingering on these boards.

 

It's been almost exactly 6 weeks since NC with my "friend" and it does get easier. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think of him but I find myself thinking more about what I want out of life.

 

That's good that you are going out - it's important to keep busy. I know with myself, it was difficult to go out on dates for the past month or so because I found myself comparing whoever I was out with to him and it left me feeling more empty. I now spend time with girlfriends or reading and find it much more enjoyable.

 

Keep us posted and feel proud about yourself for getting to day 3!

[AriaIncognito]

Well today is day 4. It sucks. I want him to contact me so badly. I keep having weird dreams with him in them. Some happy, some really sad. I want to tell him how much i miss him and how much i care. I hate how pathetic I feel for wanting him in my life. I hate that I was out all day yesterday and while I had a good time, my thoughts would sometimes drift to him and wishing he were there. I hate that the end of relationships (and technically, this one hasn't even officially ended) does this to me. I wish that I could somehow just not want to find a partner, and just learn to be happy with knowing i'd be alone for the rest of my days. Now, I realize that is defeatist, but right now, of course, I feel defeated. I know in my brain that i won't always feel this way. I know it will get better. I just, I don't know, I just wish there was a way to know when and where you'd meet your mr right, instead of your mr right now.

 

Here's hoping i last through day 4 without contacting. I barely made it through day 3....

 

Have a good day all.

 

Jennifer

[AriaIncognito]

Day 5 of NC. Here’s how I’m currently feeling.

 

I’m feeling like someone has run over my cat. I feel hollow inside. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like this won’t pass. I feel like now my head and my heart are going in two different directions. I want him to get back to me with the fact that he’s missing me and wanting a relationship with me, in my heart, but my head is starting to say a few things. One thing it’s saying is, if he does come back, will you trust his feelings for you or will you be afraid of the other shoe dropping? Another thing it’s saying is, if he really did want to be with you, wouldn’t he have decided by now (yeah I know it’s only been 5 days – but those 5 days to me, feel like a year)? I just feel so many things right now. I feel disappointed. I feel hurt. I feel let down. I feel incredibly alone. I feel hopeless. I feel like I’ve found quite a few decent men, and well, they for whatever reason always leave, so eventually I’ll run out of luck and not find any more. I miss him. I want to contact him more than anything I can express. I dream of him on an almost daily basis (meaning sleep wise), that is, when I actually am allowed to sleep (my brain doesn’t like the idea of sleep at times it would rather obsess over all the things bothering me). I want an answer. I need to move on, whether it be with or without him. Most would say to just treat this as him being gone already, but my heart isn’t ready for that. I’ve fallen for this guy. I didn’t want to, I tried not to, didn’t plan on it. And I hate it.

[Sapiens]

Day 5 of NC. Here’s how I’m currently feeling.

 

I’m feeling like someone has run over my cat. I feel hollow inside. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like this won’t pass. I feel like now my head and my heart are going in two different directions. I want him to get back to me with the fact that he’s missing me and wanting a relationship with me, in my heart, but my head is starting to say a few things. One thing it’s saying is, if he does come back, will you trust his feelings for you or will you be afraid of the other shoe dropping? Another thing it’s saying is, if he really did want to be with you, wouldn’t he have decided by now (yeah I know it’s only been 5 days – but those 5 days to me, feel like a year)? I just feel so many things right now. I feel disappointed. I feel hurt. I feel let down. I feel incredibly alone. I feel hopeless. I feel like I’ve found quite a few decent men, and well, they for whatever reason always leave, so eventually I’ll run out of luck and not find any more. I miss him. I want to contact him more than anything I can express. I dream of him on an almost daily basis (meaning sleep wise), that is, when I actually am allowed to sleep (my brain doesn’t like the idea of sleep at times it would rather obsess over all the things bothering me). I want an answer. I need to move on, whether it be with or without him. Most would say to just treat this as him being gone already, but my heart isn’t ready for that. I’ve fallen for this guy. I didn’t want to, I tried not to, didn’t plan on it. And I hate it.

 

LOL, are you for real?

 

Dude, get a grip, no wonder you lost many men. If you keep like this I am truly afraid for the guy that ties the knot with you. Eww..

 

-Sapiens

[AriaIncognito]

LOL, are you for real?

 

Dude, get a grip, no wonder you lost many men. If you keep like this I am truly afraid for the guy that ties the knot with you. Eww..

 

-Sapiens

 

Yeah, it's no wonder i've "lost so many men". It's a shame, that I keep allowing myself to fall in love. Really a shame. Just because I feel sorrow right now, doesn't mean a comment like that is warranted. And for the record, my last two break ups were initiated by me, including this one, so I wouldnt' exactly say I lost them. I made the decision to give myself someone better. That does not, however, necessarily make it any easier to deal with, at the time.

 

You can gladly stop commenting to my threads, if you have nothing constructive to add.

[Sapiens]

And for the record, my last two break ups were initiated by me, including this one, so I wouldnt' exactly say I lost them. I made the decision to give myself someone better. That does not, however, necessarily make it any easier to deal with, at the time.

 

Why don't you make yourself better instead... Yeah, give myself someone better.

 

 

You can gladly stop commenting to my threads, if you have nothing constructive to add.

 

Constructive doesn't necessarily means you get to hear what you want to hear.

 

-Sapiens

[AriaIncognito]

Why don't you make yourself better instead... Yeah, give myself someone better.

 

 

 

Constructive doesn't necessarily means you get to hear what you want to hear.

 

-Sapiens

 

I'm not for or against "hearing what I want to hear". However, a little more tact could be had, if you need to basically bash someone for how they FEEL.

 

You can't invalidate how someone else feels. That's not how feelings work. We feel what we feel, not what others tell us we should feel, or in the time others think we should feel it. So, but you telling me to "get a grip and no wonder I 'lost' so many men", well, I feel that's certainly not constructive.