hotgurl Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 My friend has been seeing this guy for about a month. He came on really strong buying her painting lessons and giving her a tv and doing fix it stuff around the house. He just sent her this really flowery card and it says something liek your my angel I never knew what love was till I met you. I love you. They have only been dating maybe three or four week! and don't refer to themselves as BF & GF. I don't know it seems weird. and they have already slept together so that's not it. any idea. Guys would you do this?
Art_Critic Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 You already know the answer to this HotGurl.. Anyguy that starts buying s***... other than flowers or chocolates or dinners..has low self esteem and is trying to get her to like him for what he can do for her instead of who he is.. 2-3 weeks and he buys her a tv and painting lessons.. Not my style.. I want a woman to like me for who I am not what I can buy her..
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Maybe he is feeling alot of intense feelings for her, but what he has bought her is TOO much. He is trying to buy her love. And that's just not cool. Tell your friend to ask him to stop buying her stuff. They need to slow it down and ENJOY eachother's company. Get to know one another and have fun together. That's what the beginning part of relationships are all about, not buying expensive gifts so she'll 'HAVE' to love him back.
Author hotgurl Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 You already know the answer to this HotGurl.. Anyguy that starts buying s***... other than flowers or chocolates or dinners..has low self esteem and is trying to get her to like him for what he can do for her instead of who he is.. 2-3 weeks and he buys her a tv and painting lessons.. Not my style.. I want a woman to like me for who I am not what I can buy her.. The TV he "loaned" her but yeah this guy is nice enough when you meet him but it's obvious he tries too hard. I had them over for a bbq and he was so nervous which is underdstandable but he was constanly thanking me. Also he has said some stuff that has raised my BS flag. The thing is I can't say a damn thing because a mutal friend did not like this guy at all and went about it in the wrong way and much drama insued and the friendship ended.
Art_Critic Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 he tries too hard. that is the thing.. it really is just a diversion.. Until a guy like that learns that people like him for who he is he will always proceed in relationships with the buying stuff.. It is all about his self image..
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 What kind of stuff did he say? You can't post that and not give details! Spill it!
kitten chick Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Also he has said some stuff that has raised my BS flag. Moving this fast would raise my BS flag too. He sounds like a pumper and dumper.
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 He sounds like a pumper and dumper. .............
Author hotgurl Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Well he said he is in school to get his degree to teach marsal arts (which could be true) He is 5th degree blackbelt (which could be true) He got a full scolarship to BU but couldn't go because his mom was windowed and he had to take care of her and help with bills etc.. (still could be true esp in foriegn families but he is sooo white) He also lent his boss $17,000 because the boss gambeled away his daughter's college money (don't see how this could be true I guess) His is 26 lives with his mom and has no car, and works in a pizza place. the above is not that bad esp since it's a college town and he wants to go back to college but when you put it together with the stuff he has said..
Art_Critic Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 His is 26 lives with his mom and has no car, and works in a pizza place. Boy.. that speaks volumes.. He should've taken some of the 17k that he gave his boss and bought a car BS meter registers mega 10's.. this guy is full of s***
Art_Critic Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Maybe the TV was his Mom's too.. that is why he loaned it.. hahahaha
kitten chick Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Yeah something's off here. He got a free ride to school but didn't take it. Despite the fact that BU doesn't really give out much money, even if they did, top private universities don't give scholarships to people who aspire to be karate teachers. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that profession but that's not going to earn him a scholarship to a top insititution. And now he doesn't have a pot to piss in but he lent his boss $17k?!?!?! Something's up here.
freckles3131 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I dated a guy.....first 3 months....hearts and flowers, over the top, buying me things, the "too soon I love you", etc......after the 3 month mark, (when he felt he "had me where he wanted me") It started......slowly trying to lessen my time I spent with family and friends, trying to get me to spend ALL of my time with him, calling too much, wanting to know where I am at all times= trying to control me. I ended it. He became a stalker. I ended up getting a restraining order. Spoke to a counselor who informed me that potential abusers have this EXACT pattern.......and it always starts with the "hearts and flowers" stage.....it's "their" way of sucking you in....then....WATCH OUT!! I would recommend some reading on domestic violence.... Just a warning. I would be concerned with the potential for a controling possibly abusive situation. For one...ANY one who does the I love you at 3 wks. has some MAJOR issues, regardless of how this plays out...
kitten chick Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I dated a guy.....first 3 months....hearts and flowers, over the top, buying me things, the "too soon I love you", etc......after the 3 month mark, (when he felt he "had me where he wanted me") It started......slowly trying to lessen my time I spent with family and friends, trying to get me to spend ALL of my time with him, calling too much, wanting to know where I am at all times= trying to control me. I had the same thing. Being the naieve dolt that I was I thought I was being swept off my feet. After about 3 I was given ultimatums to choose between him and my friends. Then when I kept choosing him the emotional abuse started. I was an idiot but I learned my lesson. You're not alone freckles.
Art_Critic Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 He became a stalker. I ended up getting a restraining order. Spoke to a counselor who informed me that potential abusers have this EXACT pattern.......and it always starts with the "hearts and flowers" stage.....it's "their" way of sucking you in....then....WATCH OUT!! I would recommend some reading on domestic violence.... I would be careful about painting romance with the brush of stalking.. Most budding romances Flowers and love gifts are given.. It is the stuff like TV's and cars and over the top stuff in value that is wrong.. not the romantic stuff..
kitten chick Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I would be careful about painting romance with the brush of stalking.. Most budding romances Flowers and love gifts are given.. It is the stuff like TV's and cars and over the top stuff in value that is wrong.. not the romantic stuff.. Sorry, but they call it being swept off your feet for a reason. You're going to land on your ass. P.S. You proved my point when you said you send flowers just to keep getting your noodle wet
Author hotgurl Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 See I am worried about that. My friend does not have a BS meter and puts up with a lot of s*** and she has just gotten out of a 7 year relationship. This guys protrays himself to be everything her ex wasn't. If it was just flowers or a dinner out but the other stuff is over the top and she tells me he just got a painting comissioned for her! At the party he seemed nice and didn't metion anything but going to school to be a martial arts teacher which kinda made me wonder but people do do that. But then my friend calls and tells me all this other stuff. Isn't he sweet doesn't he care for his family. god she is so blind sometimes!
freckles3131 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I read it off a list of "signs you are dating a potential abuser/red flags" They list the "hearts and flowers" stage as one were they are OVER THE TOP with romance/gifts/attention/. Most woman who are self-aware and healthy will 'recognize" this a red flags..(i.e. the people reading this post...."red flags" "not good" etc... It's a "warning" to those that suffer from low self-esteem (as I once did) and might not SEE that it isn't about "Wow, I found a prince charming/I'm being swept off my feet etc..." It COULD BE about them "laying the foundation" and wooing you to "fall" for them....then, WHAM! Gotcha where I want you.... Just like kitten chick said and agreed to.....the being "Naive" esp. if your last relationship was sh#t....then along comes Prince Charming and goes OVER THE TOP...(not talking about typical/"normal" romantic stuff, but rather what the original post describes...the "red flag version" and where IGNORING those red flags could lead....
alphamale Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Guys would you do this? you already know my answer HOTGURL...
freckles3131 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 **Some of these don't show up till after the "hearts and flowers" stage...but...might be worth hanging onto in case she stays with him and it takes a turn for the worse... QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Did your partner "sweep you off your feet?" Did your partner proclaim his or her love for you before the two of you had spent enough time together to get to know each other? Did your partner pressure you to commit to the relationship before you felt ready to do so? Were you made to feel guilty by your partner if you wanted to slow down your involvement with him? Many abused people dated or knew their abusers for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. FAMILY HISTORY: Has your partner reported being physically or psychologically abused as a child? Was your partner's mother abused? A family history of abuse is a significant predictor for a person to become an abuser as an adult. JEALOUSY: Is your partner jealous when you spend time with friends and/or family? Does your partner constantly accuse you of flirting with others? Does he call you frequently during the day? An abuser will probably tell you that jealousy is a sign of love and concern. In fact, jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: Does your partner become angry when you don't listen to his advice? Is your partner angry when you are a little late coming home from an appointment or shopping? Does he control all the money? Do you have to ask permission to leave the house? Are you afraid when your partner becomes angry with you? At first, abusers will explain that controlling behavior is motivated by their concern for their partner's safety or the need to make good decisions. Rather than expressing concern for the partner, controlling behavior shows a deep lack of respect for the partner. It fulfills the need of the abuser to dominate, rather than fulfil the needs of the victim. ISOLATION: Is being with your family and friends "more trouble than it's worth" because of your partner's jealousy? Does he constantly criticize the people who support you or try to undermine your trust in them? Does he try to keep you from going to work or school? An abusive person will try to cut the victim off from all resources, especially friends and family. An abuser knows that the more contact a victim has with others, the more likely she is to defy the abuser or to leave. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: Does your partner blame you for his mistakes? Does your partner feel life is unfair and someone is out to get him? Does your partner find it difficult to take responsibility for his actions? Abusive people do not hold themselves accountable for the abuse they commit, and rarely take responsibility for their actions. After being blamed and criticized for everything she does, the victim will eventually internalize these false messages and begin to believe that she is responsible for ending the abuse that is committed against her. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Does your partner perceive slight setbacks as personal attacks? Is your partner easily insulted? Does your partner lose his temper frequently and more easily than seems normal? Abusers typically have low self-esteem. Their self-confidence may be so fragile that even constructive criticism is seen as a threat. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Does your partner seem insensitive to the pain and suffering of animals? Does he expect children to do things beyond their ability? Does he tease children until they cry? Insensitivity to children or animals is common in abusers because abusive people are generally not considerate of the feelings of others. 60% of men who beat the women they are with also beat their children. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: Does your partner like to throw you down and/or hold you down during sex? Does he want to act out fantasies during sex in which you are helpless? Does he ever try to manipulate you into having sex when you are not in the mood by using sulking or anger? Abusers enjoy having power over their partners, and sex is one way in which they can feel in control. Many abusers find the idea of rape exciting. Rape, like abuse, is about power over another person. VERBAL ABUSE: Does your partner say things that are cruel and hurtful? Does he degrade you or put you down? Does he tell you that you are stupid, lazy or clumsy? The abuser wants his partner to be dependent on him/her. He will try to undermine his partner's self-confidence by putting her down, making fun of her, demeaning her, embarrassing her in public, and/or calling her names. RIGID SEX ROLES: Does your partner expect you to serve him? Does he say that you must obey him in all things because you are a woman? Does he/she insist that you stay at home and discourage you from working? Abusers sometimes see women as inferior to men and unable to function as a whole person without a relationship. They accept this reasoning as an excuse to abuse and dominate their partners. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Are you confused by your abuser's "sudden" changes in mood? Is he extremely moody and prone to unexpected explosions of anger? Many women think that their abuser has some special mental problem because one minute he's nice, and the next he's exploding. Moodiness is typical of batterers, and it is related to other characteristics of abusers, such as hypersensitivity. PAST BATTERING: Has your abuser admitted to hitting women in the past? He may say that they "made him do it." Have you heard from relatives or an ex-spouse/girlfriend that your partner is abusive? Situational circumstances do not make a person an abuser. A batterer is likely to beat any woman he is with if the relationship lasts long enough for the violence to begin.
Author hotgurl Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 ferckles thank you for the list I will keep it in mind. They are moving way too fast. And they both had abuse in thier childhood. she has never dealt with it and is startign to now. But she needs a man in her life. I have never seen her without one. I just wanted another pov because I felt something was wrong.
freckles3131 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Your friend sounds like the perfect "potential victim". (having been abused in the past/needs a man in her life, sh#tty past relationships) Oh yes, **kitten will agree, I'm sure.....She SOOOO wants a prince charming to "save her" and I'm sure she is being swept off her feet and blind as a bat right now......as her friend....keep an eye out for other "red flags" with this guy.....**if you notice she is being isolated/less contact with you etc.....
Outcast Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Could be an abuser. Could be a con man. Could be a stalker. Could be seriously socially inept. Too much too soon is always a red flag.
RecordProducer Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I think it depends on how much he can afford. A rich guy may choose to buy a car for his new GF and it still may be lot less than what he can afford. Yes, you can develop feelings in one month. I was certain after 4 days that I was falling in love with my husband. One of the saddest moments in my life was when - after the first 8 days together - my husband left for the US and left me and the airport. I got into the bus and started crying like a baby. I wasn't sure I would ever see him again. If this guy has had bad experiences with love and now he found the woman of his life, he wants to show her how much he cares. Anyway, my husband knew me for only 8 days in person and he sent me $1,000 for my kids for Hanukkah presents, he flew back to Europe for me a few months later, and he called me on the phone almost every day. Spending too much money on a girl they care about is never too much and never a bad thing. It only shows how interested they are. Your friend is lucky. He might turn out bad, but not because of the money thing.
Author hotgurl Posted June 13, 2006 Author Posted June 13, 2006 My friend is moving to Jersey with this guy! Now I know she is from Jersey and misses her family but she didn't want to move back when she was breaking up with her bf in Sept now after being in the middle of a depression she is moving to Jersey with him! bad bad idea!
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