oannamarie Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 For those who have cheated, Was it a one time thing or do you have thoughts or have done it again to the same person or someone else? Do you believe that once a cheater always a cheater? Asking because my husband says once a cheater always a cheater. I havent cheated on him for about 6 years but he always calls me a cheater and a liar everytime we argue or something comes about with me that he doenst like.
JadeStar Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 For those who have cheated, Was it a one time thing or do you have thoughts or have done it again to the same person or someone else? Do you believe that once a cheater always a cheater? Asking because my husband says once a cheater always a cheater. I havent cheated on him for about 6 years but he always calls me a cheater and a liar everytime we argue or something comes about with me that he doenst like. I don't believe in the saying, "Once a cheater always a cheater" because I do think people can change but they have to want to. Your husband really needs to let this go. I'm sure it has been hard for him and a struggle to come to terms with what happened, but its been 6 years. I would imagine he can't get it out of his head. But there are times when things need to be laid to rest. Maybe he needs some more counseling or thearpy to help him or perhaps he is just being a plain jerk to you on the matter. Maybe you need to ask yourself if you all belong to gether after all. I'm sure he is hurt, but him hurting you by blaming you calling you a liar etc is no way to live. And it sure doesn't help the healing process I'm sure. Jade
Author oannamarie Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Thanks for the reply. Recently I have been thinking that if I tried harder to make him believe me it would help. I have been trying my hardest and yet he doenst seem satisfied. I have offered for us to go to more counseling but he doesnt feel the need. He says that he will never chage how he feels and doesnt know if he will ever trust me again. I am now starting to feel that I should move on. Why stay with someone who doesnt trust me. I know I made a mistake but I cant go back and change it. We were both realy young when it happend. I am 26 now.
JadeStar Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Thanks for the reply. Recently I have been thinking that if I tried harder to make him believe me it would help. I have been trying my hardest and yet he doenst seem satisfied. I have offered for us to go to more counseling but he doesnt feel the need. He says that he will never chage how he feels and doesnt know if he will ever trust me again. I am now starting to feel that I should move on. Why stay with someone who doesnt trust me. I know I made a mistake but I cant go back and change it. We were both realy young when it happend. I am 26 now. You shouldn't have to try harder to make him belive you. You stated yourself you have tried harder before. He even said he didn't know if he would ever be able to trust you again and he wasn't going to change how he feels. He also doesn't want to go back to counseling, that should speak volumes. I would think that part of the healing process would be that he would need to learn to deal with what happened better, but doesn't sound like he wants too. I agree you shouldn't have to live like that. Jade
catgirl1927 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 If he really thinks that, he shouldn't be with you any more. He has to either forgive and not bring it up any more, or end it. Holding it over your head forever is crappy.
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Did you two ever go to marriage counselling? Because him bringing it up and throwing it in your face - Means inside his heart/head he's not gotten over it. I do believe that people can change too, but they have to want to change and not ever put themselves IN a situation that could lead to cheating.
Author oannamarie Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 We went to counseling for a week. He stopped going because they we mostly blaming him because he was abusive and on drugs. He hasnt beat me in about two years and he quit doing drugs about three months ago. I thought he quit longer than that until recently when he was released from the doctor to go back to work. He took a drug test and didnt pass it. He agreed to have me give him random drug tests in order for me to stay with him
JadeStar Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 We went to counseling for a week. He stopped going because they we mostly blaming him because he was abusive and on drugs. He hasnt beat me in about two years and he quit doing drugs about three months ago. I thought he quit longer than that until recently when he was released from the doctor to go back to work. He took a drug test and didnt pass it. He agreed to have me give him random drug tests in order for me to stay with him Oh this doesn't sound good all the way around hun. I'm sorry this is happening. Sounds like its up to you to make the call on what you feel you need to do. Hang in there. Jade
prfrogkisser Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 We went to counseling for a week. He stopped going because they we mostly blaming him because he was abusive and on drugs. He hasnt beat me in about two years and he quit doing drugs about three months ago. I thought he quit longer than that until recently when he was released from the doctor to go back to work. He took a drug test and didnt pass it. He agreed to have me give him random drug tests in order for me to stay with him I think actions speak louder than words. You are still in an abusive relationship. Eventhough he cant get over the fact you cheated he has no right to keep bringing up the situation and make you feel bad about yourself.I understand you might love him but dont you deserve better? who is him to judge you? It seems that by making you feel bad he feels better about himself. When women cheat is because of something lacking in the relationship and its usually emotional.
AManWithTroubles Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I think you need to find a new counselor. No counselor should focus the blame on one person in the relationship. Sure, he may have been abusive, or using drugs, but that doesn't neccessarily force you into someone else's arms. I don't like to buy that a guy has to meet every single emotional need, or else the woman has the right to cheat, which is the way some of you make it out to be. You need to find a counselor that will assist you all in moving on and fixing things, not finding out who's to blame. We all play a little part in each other's actions, so just try to make it a more agreeable world for others. I have a book recommendation, which focuses on action oriented healing, instead of the blame game or naming the dysfunction game. Stop Blaming, Start Loving. Check it out, good book, with some great ideas in it. It's time to heal, not time to blame.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 We went to counseling for a week. He stopped going because they we mostly blaming him because he was abusive and on drugs. He hasnt beat me in about two years and he quit doing drugs about three months ago. I thought he quit longer than that until recently when he was released from the doctor to go back to work. He took a drug test and didnt pass it. He agreed to have me give him random drug tests in order for me to stay with him When you read your own words again.... can you honestly say that this guy is ALL you deserve? The fact that he hasn't "beat" you in two years now hardly qualifies him as some kind of hero. He told you that he quit doing drugs, but you have to do RANDOM DRUG TESTS to see if he's lying or not. And then on top of that...when you do the tests, turns out he IS lying. Then he wants to play the victim in all this because you cheated on him when you were 20 years old. Geez... that was six years ago and you weren't much more than a kid. {sigh}.... I don't get it. How big of a loser does a guy need to be before enough is enough?
AManWithTroubles Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Ok, ok. Everyone here has you ditching this guy already. Please, at least read my last post, and attempt to heal the marriage the correct way, if you care about him still. If not, then I suppose you should just hang it up. But if you have an ounce of belief in him and the two of you as a couple, attempt to fix it the proper way. If that doesn't work, then yes, move on. If you are still being abused, then move on. But some relationships can even bounce back from abuse and drug use.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 There have been numerous LS threads concerning this. Do a search.
Chump64 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 It sounds like he has switched from physical to verbal abuse. I know that I say awful things to my husband sometimes (he is the wayward spouse), but to repeatedly call someone a "cheater" and a "liar" when you are trying to work together to fix the situation -- that's just wrong. Especially after 6 years. is it possible that he's trying to force you to dump him?
Author oannamarie Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Its possible that he is trying to get me to leave him or find a reason to leave. I am not sure if you read my other post I made today about the fight he started last night over how loud my car was but it was a stupid reason to start a fight.
JackJack Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 It sounds like he has switched from physical to verbal abuse. I know that I say awful things to my husband sometimes (he is the wayward spouse), but to repeatedly call someone a "cheater" and a "liar" when you are trying to work together to fix the situation -- that's just wrong. Especially after 6 years. is it possible that he's trying to force you to dump him? This could be what it is. Sometimes people will purposly try to sabatoge a relationship if they want out becasue they know no other way to go about it. It would be easier for him to have you dump him, then it would take the guilt off his mind so much for dumping you. Just a thought.
yesmaybe Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 He needs individual counseling. He obviously has issues himself (he obviously has anger management issues, self-medicated himself via drugs) and nothing will improve until he makes peace with his demons.
silktricks Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 AMWT made some really good points about the "blame game". It's easy to just say everything is the other person's fault - BUT - it also sounds like this has been an abusive relationship for years, both physical and mental. If your husband won't go to counselling, then go by yourself - for yourself. You need to decide if you want to remain in this relationship if he won't go to counselling. As AManWithTroubles said, find a different counsellor. Everything that is wrong in a marriage is never just one person, and a good counsellor wouldn't say that it was. On another point. You are giving him random drug tests? And if I heard you right, you told him that was a requirement for you staying with him? I don't think this is going to work for you. No man is going to be able to deal with this long term. It will simply make him angry. As he has been abusive in the past, that implies poor anger control. Not a good combination.
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