j.carsey Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I'd welcome tips both from guys and girls. I've moved to a new place, have been lonely and am looking for a girlfriend (I'm in my 20s, in college). I don't have any trouble talking to women I find around campus, doing sports, even in the library. The problem is, I can't figure out how to get from point A (running into a stranger and having a quick casual chat) to point B (having an opportunity to talk longer in depth, perhaps over coffee or a meal). You can't just talk to a stranger about the weather and the next moment ask them to join you for lunch. Or can you?? What typically happens is I run into some total stranger who catches my attention, we chat a bit maybe 5 to 10 minutes and then we both have to get going on our ways. And that's the end of it, I generally never see them again. As a result I have met dozens of attractive girls who seem to enjoy talking to me casually, but very briefly with no follow up. Often I'll leave some contact information for myself. The problem is I never hear back from anyone! And if I email them, I send a message and never hear back. I don't like this and I'd rather have someone refuse me directly so I don't waste my time with girls who have zero interest. In the past few months I've emailed or left my contact info with maybe 10 girls. And there are zero replies, not even so much as a "get lost". So what am I doing wrong? Is there a better way to follow-up? Perhaps they don't understand that I am interested in them, because I act very casual. I have hesitated to ask for phone numbers because that seems desperate. Or should I ask for a phone number? I really have no fear of getting rejected but I don't want to scare away girls.
Sand&Water Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 You can't just talk to a stranger about the weather and the next moment ask them to join you for lunch. Or can you?? Why not? In my honest opinion, a girl wouldn't mind if a guy asked her out for lunch or to talk over coffee. It would be flattering, and it's not like you're crossing any major line. Most women, this includes me, would be impressed if you're able to apply your skills and spice up the conversation. Play around different topics, and see where it might lead. Often I'll leave some contact information for myself. The problem is I never hear back from anyone! And if I email them, I send a message and never hear back. I don't like this and I'd rather have someone refuse me directly so I don't waste my time with girls who have zero interest. In the past few months I've emailed or left my contact info with maybe 10 girls. And there are zero replies, not even so much as a "get lost". Have you ever thought, that maybe - just maybe - you're approaching the same 'type' of women. Try to walk up to a variety of girls, from different walks of life. Attraction is key, yes, but if you're only keen on a certain group of women you won't go far. You're the master in this game, not them. Usually girls that are flirty, very attractive, immature, and promiscuous are the ones that reject you/brush you off. They know, they can get better guys than you.
Author j.carsey Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Why not? In my honest opinion, a girl wouldn't mind if a guy asked her out for lunch or to talk over coffee. It would be flattering, and it's not like you're crossing any major line. Wow, that's kind of an eye opener for me. Somehow I thought it would be too weird or overenthusiastic to make an offer like this to someone who I have absolutely no history with (stranger). I'll give it a shot! Have you ever thought, that maybe - just maybe - you're approaching the same 'type' of women. Try to walk up to a variety of girls, from different walks of life. Attraction is key, yes, but if you're only keen on a certain group of women you won't go far. You're the master in this game, not them. Oh I am definitely not approaching flirty and promiscuous girls, not even girls who are dressed sexy. Besides, I know where they can be found and I do not want them I like girls/women who are a bit more mature, who take studies or work seriously. Certainly it's not the way they're dressed that draws attention. You would think I would have an easier time seeing some interest in these cases, which is why I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. One thing I forgot to mention is these girls I'm attracted to are mostly shy or have their heads in some other thoughts when I first approach them. That's why I'm looking for tips on how to get my foot in the door so to speak
Jools Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 How about, next time you're chatting to someone who you'd like to meet up with again, just say something like 'its been nice chatting with you, how about we hook up again sometime, maybe grab some lunch?' or if you've got something coming up that your going to, like a party or maybe going to the cinema with some friends why not invite her along? Like 'hey i'm off to xyz with a few mates next week, it should be fun, fancy coming along?' If it was me i would try and avoid inviting her to a one on one meeting like a lunch or something after just chatting for ten minutes but if you ask her along to something with other people then it will be less intimidating for her and wont seem like your desperate to get in her pants. Easy does it. And then if you really do hit it off then ask her if she fancies grabbing some lunch sometime? If she says she'd like to come then just say something like, 'i'm not sure the of exact details yet so how about i take your number and i'll call/txt u when i know?' Good luck.
Author j.carsey Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 That's great stuff Jools thanks. I like the sound of it and that's something I can do... cheers
Sand&Water Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I like girls/women who are a bit more mature, who take studies or work seriously. Certainly it's not the way they're dressed that draws attention. You would think I would have an easier time seeing some interest in these cases, which is why I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. One thing I forgot to mention is these girls I'm attracted to are mostly shy or have their heads in some other thoughts when I first approach them. That's why I'm looking for tips on how to get my foot in the door so to speak Those type of girls/women, you mention, are not the easiest bunch to strike up conversation. And I know. However, don't let looks deceive you. There are a few guys I've come across, who possessed greater amount of substance, than the I originally thought. The same applies to women. The thoughtful, intellectual types appreciate guys who display a variety of creative conversations, along with charm. Being polite, and gentleman-like goes a long way. Just a few pointers. Oh yeah, and be comfortable with yourself.
erockybalboa Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 The first piece of advice is to know exactly what you're looking for. When I ask people what kind of person they want, they tell me somebody who is attractive, makes a lot of money, and has similar hobbies or interests, but what they miss are the important compatibility criteria like how the person communicates, deals with anger, envisions intimacy, and how much closeness or space they need. I run into this problem so much that I actually created a class for that purpose. Physical attraction definitely comes into a relationship, but I think physical attraction should only be about 15% of it. Compatible qualities are questions I help people figure out so they can find who they are looking for. I don't mean to give up emotion, but it is nothing that we learn in school and nothing that our parents taught to us. We feel that if we meet someone and are attracted to them, they must be the right person. That's not necessarily true. You could be attracted to every sixth person that walks by, but it doesn't mean that you should be in a relationship with them.
scobro Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 The first piece of advice is to know exactly what you're looking for. When I ask people what kind of person they want, they tell me somebody who is attractive, makes a lot of money, and has similar hobbies or interests, but what they miss are the important compatibility criteria like how the person communicates, deals with anger, envisions intimacy, and how much closeness or space they need. I run into this problem so much that I actually created a class for that purpose. Physical attraction definitely comes into a relationship, but I think physical attraction should only be about 15% of it. Compatible qualities are questions I help people figure out so they can find who they are looking for. I don't mean to give up emotion, but it is nothing that we learn in school and nothing that our parents taught to us. We feel that if we meet someone and are attracted to them, they must be the right person. That's not necessarily true. You could be attracted to every sixth person that walks by, but it doesn't mean that you should be in a relationship with them. Oh wow what a brilliant answer.So true I was dating a girl who probably I was the most attracted to that I have ever been with any woman I have dated or married.The problem was she had so many "relationship issues" like she does her thing and I am second place....wrong for me.She also couldn't communicate about our relationship she said it made her feel uncomfortable and she has never been able to do it........wrong for me.She also had a problem with being someone's "girlfriend" she said it freaked her out.....wrong for me.She also said I was "sensitive" and she was not ....wrong for me.Finally she said she had no problem with being physical but emotionaly she felt uncomfortable in talking about us....wrong for me.The problem is I fell in love with this girl within three months then finally she said it was too much too soon for her and she ended it.I think I dodged a huge bullet but she was the hottest girl and the most sexually compatable woman I have ever been with plus she was 12 years younger than me:p Im 35 she was 23...what I would give for another night with her:love:
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