wildanduntamed Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Ok, This is my situation... I am great friends with this guy, and we see each other every day. I am happily married and seek nothing outside my relationship with my husband, and this friend of mine had also remarked that he wants nothing from it either, we are simply close friends, nothing more. All of our other friends, and people who see us together assume that there is more to the story than we are telling, and nothing we do seems to budge them from their stance. We talk about everything with each other, and have been through quite a lot together over the years. Our relationship as friends is pretty solid, we have the scattered spat, lol, but hings afterward are usually clear. We always seem to come back around to being each other's sounding board, rock, and friend. The problem is that too many others have been saying there is something going on betwen us, and it is causing a little friction as of late. It is making it hard for his own personal life, and his social life with others, and they are talking about me as well. He has said on many an occasion that perhaps we should take time away from each other, or just go our seperate ways. We never follow through on this, but that is not to say it won't come to this. I am very grateful for his friendship, and would not turn my back on him simply because of what others believe or say. I made it a point this past weekend to say to him that we tend to take friends for granted, and that one day we'll do so, and wake up, and that person will be gone, so we should thank the stars for the days we have together. He kinda agreed, but still went back to the topic of D-DAy, when we will end it. How can I make him realize that the friendship is too precious to throw away. I am not saying that to hold onto him or anything, but to get the point of friends across to him. Back when we first met, there was a chance of getting together, but that was quickly laid to rest. Not by choice, but by circumstance, and we were fine with that. We both agree now that there is nothing there. He and my husband are like brothers, and for us to stop being friends, would hurt my husband as well. He is aware of the things being said, and he is ok with it, knowing full well that the rumours are false. Yet, this cannot change what they say. My friend's mother thinks that deep inside somewhere, one or both of us is harbouring feelings for the other person, even she does not believe that we are as cut and dried as we claim. Can anyone offer any advice to my situation here. I don't want to have to say good-bye to this friend. We have so much water under our bridge that our lives could never be the same without being friends with each other. If it makes any difference, I am in my mid 20s and he's in his mid 30s. Anything anyone has to say will be read and I will accept any or all coments, good or bad. Thanks all!
Outcast Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 You are too close to this 'friend'. It's out of that kind of closeness that love can grow. Read the Infidelity forums - there are countless posts there from people who started out as 'friends only' but when one's marriage hit some trouble, suddenly the friendship took a turn into something deeper. You've heard it often; love is a verb. Loving your husband means acting to protect that love - even from a friendship you care about. So that you may never jeopardize your relationship with your husband, you need to let your friend step away.
Mary3 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Ok, This is my situation... I am great friends with this guy, and we see each other every day. I am happily married and seek nothing outside my relationship with my husband, and this friend of mine had also remarked that he wants nothing from it either, we are simply close friends, nothing more. All of our other friends, and people who see us together assume that there is more to the story than we are telling, and nothing we do seems to budge them from their stance. We talk about everything with each other, and have been through quite a lot together over the years. Our relationship as friends is pretty solid, we have the scattered spat, lol, but hings afterward are usually clear. We always seem to come back around to being each other's sounding board, rock, and friend. The problem is that too many others have been saying there is something going on betwen us, and it is causing a little friction as of late. It is making it hard for his own personal life, and his social life with others, and they are talking about me as well. He has said on many an occasion that perhaps we should take time away from each other, or just go our seperate ways. We never follow through on this, but that is not to say it won't come to this. I am very grateful for his friendship, and would not turn my back on him simply because of what others believe or say. I made it a point this past weekend to say to him that we tend to take friends for granted, and that one day we'll do so, and wake up, and that person will be gone, so we should thank the stars for the days we have together. He kinda agreed, but still went back to the topic of D-DAy, when we will end it. How can I make him realize that the friendship is too precious to throw away. I am not saying that to hold onto him or anything, but to get the point of friends across to him. Back when we first met, there was a chance of getting together, but that was quickly laid to rest. Not by choice, but by circumstance, and we were fine with that. We both agree now that there is nothing there. He and my husband are like brothers, and for us to stop being friends, would hurt my husband as well. He is aware of the things being said, and he is ok with it, knowing full well that the rumours are false. Yet, this cannot change what they say. My friend's mother thinks that deep inside somewhere, one or both of us is harbouring feelings for the other person, even she does not believe that we are as cut and dried as we claim. Can anyone offer any advice to my situation here. I don't want to have to say good-bye to this friend. We have so much water under our bridge that our lives could never be the same without being friends with each other. If it makes any difference, I am in my mid 20s and he's in his mid 30s. Anything anyone has to say will be read and I will accept any or all coments, good or bad. Thanks all! Well I see your husband has accepted him 100%. I think that in rare cases this kind of friendship can occur where there are no romantic feelings but just platonic true friendship. If this situation does not affect your husband, your friend and his future girl and does not affect you to the point where you develop romantic feelings for this man , then this seems like its working pretty well.
witabix Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 It is perhapse unfortunate that even in this modern time the acceptance of cross gender platonic friendship is weak. I am of the opinion however that although it may be possible to have such a relationship, over an extended period of time, it is always fraught with danger. If two people are seen together a lot there will clearly be an assumption that 'something' is going on. You spoke of an earlier 'failed' chance of getting together. It failed due to circumstance, not choice, (your words). I would ask you to look into yourself and decide why you want/need this relationship. What can you do to change other peoples minds? Hang out with your husband and your friend, or as a foursome, see less of him, don't do 'date' things. But why would you want to change what they think? This brings me to the crux of the matter. It is not only the intrinsic qualities of a cross gender friendship that have to be borne in mind. It is also necessary to see it from the third party perspective. What does this look like to other people? You mention that this is giving him problems in his personal life. I will wager that these 'problems' are other peoples opinions. However perception is also reality. Is this the third party reality you want to be in? He may find a woman who will accept this close personal friendship for what he says it is, your husband is in on it, but and this is the big but, any new woman in his life is quite possibly going to be threatened by such a relationship. As inncoent as platonic as you three know it to be, it is almost impossible to convince a newcomer to the group to see it the same way. I know from my own personal level of security/insecurity that a single woman with such a close friendship would make me back off. I am one who would assume that something were going on. However I would not be making life difficult for anyone in this position, I have friends who make the same claim as you. Some of us accept it at face value and others whisper and chatter behind their backs. Surely in the end it is your own private business. It will get more dificult, when he starts seeing someone. You will have to watch your own reactions for a further clue to your true feelings for this man. My opinion is that truly platonic cross gender friendships are as rare as hens teeth. I am a confirmed cynic on this subject though.
Mary3 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 It is perhapse unfortunate that even in this modern time the acceptance of cross gender platonic friendship is weak. I am of the opinion however that although it may be possible to have such a relationship, over an extended period of time, it is always fraught with danger. If two people are seen together a lot there will clearly be an assumption that 'something' is going on. You spoke of an earlier 'failed' chance of getting together. It failed due to circumstance, not choice, (your words). I would ask you to look into yourself and decide why you want/need this relationship. What can you do to change other peoples minds? Hang out with your husband and your friend, or as a foursome, see less of him, don't do 'date' things. But why would you want to change what they think? This brings me to the crux of the matter. It is not only the intrinsic qualities of a cross gender friendship that have to be borne in mind. It is also necessary to see it from the third party perspective. What does this look like to other people? You mention that this is giving him problems in his personal life. I will wager that these 'problems' are other peoples opinions. However perception is also reality. Is this the third party reality you want to be in? He may find a woman who will accept this close personal friendship for what he says it is, your husband is in on it, but and this is the big but, any new woman in his life is quite possibly going to be threatened by such a relationship. As inncoent as platonic as you three know it to be, it is almost impossible to convince a newcomer to the group to see it the same way. I know from my own personal level of security/insecurity that a single woman with such a close friendship would make me back off. I am one who would assume that something were going on. However I would not be making life difficult for anyone in this position, I have friends who make the same claim as you. Some of us accept it at face value and others whisper and chatter behind their backs. Surely in the end it is your own private business. It will get more dificult, when he starts seeing someone. You will have to watch your own reactions for a further clue to your true feelings for this man. My opinion is that truly platonic cross gender friendships are as rare as hens teeth. I am a confirmed cynic on this subject though. Very powerful statement witabix I was once in this situation and I ended up * losing * because my boyfriend valued their friendship above all else. May I mention that they had previously became involved but quickly she realized he was not * the one * and broke up with him ? After that he claimed that she was a very wonderful magnificant friend and when I became upset , he decided she was more important. He spent time with her and I had to look the other way. I wanted to find out if I were being reasonable so I asked 4 friends what they thought and all said I had a right to be concerned. So there you go, an example of your s/o hanging on to an ex at any cost. The OP says the husband is okay with this. But what if circumstances change and they spend intimate moments ( intimate should not be confused with sexual closeness here in this example. ) But spending a great deal of time together with a guy with your husbands blessing can be a recipe for trouble later if he is clueless and never becomes aware that the friendship has taken a romantic turn....
Author wildanduntamed Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Wow, thanks to all for your insights/comments. While I fully understand how hard it cna be to believe that there is nothing going on, I am still troubled by my situation. We do not do "date things" along together, when he does come out, it's always with my husband and I. I understand where Outcast and Wheetabix are coming from, I've seen it before, but no, there is nothing I am hiding, there is nothing between us. You ask why do I need this friendship, and well, to be honest, we live in an area where everyone knows everyone, and friends our own age are hard to come by, as are relationshps with those brave enough to be real, and not a bunch of posers. As I've mentioned, there is much water under our bridge, we've seen each other through a lot in life. He's often said that there was a reason we met, and we've yet to put it to a science, but being together is obviously not one of them. I think differently than mosy girls he knows, and I offer advice to him from a logical (I hope) point of view, and since he's not the typical male in these parts, he can offer the same to me. Even if my husband were to tell me tomorrow that it's over, I would not be with this friend in a romantic relationship, I am too alike with him, we drive each other nuts, and yet we are too different from each other to get involved. I hang with a different crowd, and ma far from what could be considered his type I think. I don't really busy myself with thoughts of him in that setting anyway, as I am happy in my marriage, and have no reason to wonder. The circumstances surrounding us not getting together initally are what has made us friends anyway, and I am happy this way. With so few people in our lives who truly "get" either of us, I feel we have to stay friends, so that we at least have someone to talk to for advice. I talk to my husband about everything, and he is aware when thngs are being said. He tells me not to worry, so long as the three of us know the truth. While this is fine to say, I do not want to cause my friend not to have a partner in life, simply because any potential girl thinks there's more to it. HOwever, why should we throw away one of our best firendships for the sake of heresay? We are lucky enough to have that one in a million shot, we have the platonic. Must we crack at the people's will? And if we were to walk away, who is to say that the talk will even stop? Do we have to really throw it all away just to find out the hard way that it won't fix anything? I know I must be appearing selfish, but this is perhaps the most important relationship I have outside my marriage. This friend is one I consider to be a best friend, and the thoughts of not having him as a friend anymore, well... it scares me a little really. I know that seems weird, but it is true. I am scared to walk away, knowing how much we help each other. I am scared to turn my back like this, considering I am one that usually never gives a sh*t what other people think, but the reason I care so much this time is because it is not only myself i have to think about here, there is my husband and my best friend. Our best friend. Much is at stake by ending it, but I feel we'd all lose more by leaving than y staying. This is why I am asking for help from all you guys!
witabix Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 No you must not crack at peoples will. The angle I have on this is a perceptual angle. Bear in mind that all situations have three realities to them. One is your own personal reality. The second is how it is 'PERCEIVED' by others. The third is how it actually is. Its intinsic truth values when considered in a certain way. Both one and two are perceptual realities. The third is reality, one that may not be readily discernable to any one. You must decide how far apart the three viewpoints are in your situation. It is for you to decide how you live your life, and with whom you mix socially or otherwise. The difficulty comes when one of the three realities is grossly at odds with the others. It is your life.
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