I'm Tryin Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Hi all, I've been lurking here for a while now and have read alot of threads and I am amazed at how similar some stories are to mine. I am also amazed at all the support here. I think I could use some! I've been wanting to write my problem here, but doing that means I have to think about it more and it hurts to do that. I'm afraid this might be long... My husband had an email or emotional affair with a co-worker a few years ago. Basically they talked about their unhappy marriages and blah blah blah. She was a very needy unhappy person and my husband was there to listen and talk to. Somewhere along the line, he realized he was in an unhappy marriage too (??!!) Anyway, fast forward 5 years and they are both in different jobs. Our marriage went through a tough time after that, but we made it work. It actually was better. A few weeks ago, my husband left the house and he inadvertently left his work email open...given the history here, I was tempted. So, I snooped. What I found broke my heart. Email after email from yet another married (unhappily, that's another long story)co-worker. Some were flirtatious and I found that they actually went to her house for lunch some days. One email I saw that really crushed me was her telling him, "I know you enjoy our relationship here at work, so why not devote more time into the relationship you enjoy rather than going straight home to a place that stresses you out?" Also, "I want you to be happy in whatever way makes you happy and I know you are not happy" He answered this by saying that he was very close to a big decision but wanted to think of our kids; he felt lost and horrible inside and that I wasn't meeting his needs with intimacy and that I refused counseling. Basically, talking about all our marriage problems (that he didn't talk to me about). It crushed me. This email was from almost a year ago. He really needs to clean out his inbox. I couldn't bring myself to see what else was there. Of course, I confronted him about this and I demanded to know the whole truth. He says that they were/are friends and that is it. She was going through a hard time with her husband and he was there to listen. He felt we were going through tough times and she was there to listen. Nothing more than that. He didn't think I wanted to hear about our problems or that I would be in denial. I told him you could always give it a try, I might actually surprise you! It makes me so mad that he would share the most intimate details of our marriage to someone that is a stranger to me. I have thought about asking him to leave, I have thought about leaving, but after weeks of thinking about this, I want to save our marriage. He is begging me to help save us, he says he loves me more than anything, he misses me and the way we were (before we had kids). I don't understand this - what is with the unhappily married women with children? He really is someone that can talk and totally make you feel great inside. I'm sure that has something to do with it. But, I live with him and I know him best. He's not all peaches and cream! Anyway, I also contacted the current 'friend' at his work. I simply asked "How close are you to my husband?" She never answered. So, I emailed again the other day asking her why she didn't respond and why she was so concerned with my husband's happiness. She did respond this time and was very defensive and pretty rude. She said it was "simply a friend talking to a friend and I treat all my friends as friends, regardless of gender and if this offends you, then I am glad that we are not friends. I happen to be someone people can talk to. " I wrote back saying I saw it as a little more than a 'friend' to a 'friend' and that their friendship crossed the line that I am comfortable with and certainly she can understand that. And if she didn't, it is a wonderful thing we are not friends. As for my husband and I, we are taking it day by day and will be going to counseling. I have put down an ultimatum - you can't be friends with this person anymore or we will not work. He said he would do that in heartbeat with no regrets and is looking for another job. We'll see. If there's a next time, I'm out.
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 As long as you're prepared for the follow through if he doesn't stop. Problem is, nothing is sinking in his head - He hasn't a clue what the consquences of his actions are, and what he stands to lose. You can't control what the OW does, and sadly your husband too. All you can do is look out for yourself and your children. He's being a selfish person and until HE can sees that and wants to actually change his ways and make an effort for the marriage - This is how life will be.
travellingman Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 EAs are often symptoms of marriages that aren't fulfilling one of the partners, and sounds like you've got deeper problems here that won't go away when his OW does.
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