To NC or not to NC?

[Yoyito]

My gf of over 5 years broke up with me last week citing 'i dont feel the same and i want some time to focus on myself'. We've both been kind of in a rut in our lives but I've recently graduated with an AA and am ACTIVELY looking for a better job for a few weeks now. She's about to enter graduate school and is fed up with her job. We didn't have major fights or have any nasty jerry springer-like episodes but instead gave each other plenty of space and were always eager to help each other out. She still lives with her parents at the age of 27, while I share an apartment. As far as I knew, we adored each other until recently. I want her back.

 

Right after she dropped the bomb (on the phone no less) and after i kind of ribbed her for being unusually indifferent, we are no longer a couple. I didn't know about NC until I came across this site a couple days ago.

 

In a nutshell, I've learned that she contacted an ex boyfriend within the past month and she said she still has feelings for him but vehemently denies that that is the reason for the breakup and even denies up and down that she has any plans on becoming romantic with him. During the ugly first 2 days, I learned the guy's name, his cellphone number and his myspace account. I was very close to calling him to have a one on one with him and let him know to back off unless she has lied to me more than I even know, in which case he can have fun with a liar like that and enjoy HPV, but I didn't do it.

 

We hung out on Sunday and had a decent time window shopping and eating at a restaurant in NYC. We were very cordial with each other and did a little bit of deep talking. I gave her at least 2 crystal clear opportunities to give me the 'thats it' but she didn't. She instead said it's not over, but became rigid like a school girl when I went in for a peck on the lips when we said good bye. We have had brief convos on the phone and email on a daily basis. She even sends faxes of my resume for me if asked.

 

She has offered on some future date that she will come to 'pick up her stuff' and hinted that she still finds me hot. This is embarrassing to say but I learned early when we first started dating that I have gotten HPV and she then contracted it. All signs say I'm the one that got it...

 

Should I call her asking her to fax a couple resumes today? She always asks how I am doing as in how am I coping. She also sent me an email last night stating she sent a couple faxes and she hopes i get a call but I haven't replied yet.

 

Please, any advice would be appreciated!

[jerbear]

I would say no NC but LC, limited contact, and keep it civil and cordial. Keeping NC as a later option.

 

5 years is a long time plus you need her for a job? anyway, if she wants to work on herself, let her. work on yourself and get better. The LC is just to keep a line open while you transition yourself to NC. She may as well come back after finding herself. How much do you really love her/like her?

 

If keeping contact with her still hurts, then NC is the better way.

[Yoyito]

i love her dearly and i did sort of take her for granted and now that this happened i've realized i need to improve my situation and not be so lazy. i dont need her for a job, i don't have access to a fax machine to fax resumes, she has one and she offered to do fax resumes whenever i need to. just before the break up i was helping her with countless essays to get her accepted into graduate schools...

[jerbear]

Graduate school like undergraduate can change a person. In addition, it sucks up alot of time and energy.

 

I "lost" two relationships because of graduate school and now I do not know what to do with myself with all this time.

 

I would suggest, keeping LC and keeping lines open as a friend or whatever. Since she wants to work on herself, no point pushing but be near her and support her. Now the kicker is not be her surrogate BF. You have to work on yourself and not be lazy.

 

By keeping LC, she will see you not be so lazy while you see her better herself. Beyond that, you two will find out if this will last or you two go your seperate ways. Either drift apart or "irreconcilable differences"

[Yoyito]

Graduate school like undergraduate can change a person. In addition, it sucks up alot of time and energy.

 

I "lost" two relationships because of graduate school and now I do not know what to do with myself with all this time.

 

I would suggest, keeping LC and keeping lines open as a friend or whatever. Since she wants to work on herself, no point pushing but be near her and support her. Now the kicker is not be her surrogate BF. You have to work on yourself and not be lazy.

 

By keeping LC, she will see you not be so lazy while you see her better herself. Beyond that, you two will find out if this will last or you two go your seperate ways. Either drift apart or "irreconcilable differences"

 

thank you very much for hearing me out and for your advice. its graduate school as in to get her masters. the monster i have to deal with is when and how to keep LC. the ex boyfriend thing has me unnerved also so i dont want to act like a training wheel in case she falls with him or whoever it may be and as a matter of fact i wouldnt even be her friend if that were to happen. i'd be glad to be a friend with benefits seeing how we both have HPV and see where that goes. i just dont want to be taken as a fool and i dont want to lose her by acting too indifferent which may lead her to have a doomed relationship with her ex. basically, i know for a fact that NC would lead her to call me eventually, i just dont want it to be after she gets her heart broken or to test the waters after meeting some guy or something like that since she will be missing me.

[jerbear]

thank you very much for hearing me out and for your advice. its graduate school as in to get her masters. the monster i have to deal with is when and how to keep LC. the ex boyfriend thing has me unnerved also so i dont want to act like a training wheel in case she falls with him or whoever it may be and as a matter of fact i wouldnt even be her friend if that were to happen. i'd be glad to be a friend with benefits seeing how we both have HPV and see where that goes. i just dont want to be taken as a fool and i dont want to lose her by acting too indifferent which may lead her to have a doomed relationship with her ex. basically, i know for a fact that NC would lead her to call me eventually, i just dont want it to be after she gets her heart broken or to test the waters after meeting some guy or something like that since she will be missing me.

 

 

IMO, go LC then transition to NC. Work on yourself and basically use LC & NC to heal yourself and move on. NC should not be used solely to "get the girl back" otherwise you would be waiting for while excellent mates may pass you by. Keep in some contact but don't let others pass you by, never know.

[Yoyito]

great advice, jer. since the break up is still fresh (for me?), its still a struggle but i have every intention of doing what you said. matter of fact, we just had a really nice convo on the phone where i felt like i took a little more charge of the situation. we left off almost as if it were 'the good old times' by her initiation.

 

it may be NC time? i just hope i'm not getting played for an absolute fool and she is on the phone with the ex as we speak lol. my goal right now is to hang out with her again sort of how we hung out on sunday and then somehow bring up the question on what is the role of the ex if any and take it from there.

 

thanks again!

[Yoyito]

I did hang out with her 2 sundays ago and we were cordial with each other but not much else. I gave her crystal clear chances to tell me it's definitively 'over' and she did not. Instead she said its not, yet when I went to give her a peck on the lips to say goodbye she became ultra rigid like she was a little school girl.

 

I talked on the phone to her briefly the Wednesday following that Sunday and the second thing she said to me was "are you seeing somebody?" I replied with a chuckle and a "where'd that come from?!? I wish haha, but no." I then very business-like sounding asked her if there is anything I can do to make this situation better and she said "nothing right now". at which point i said cooly, "ok". the conversation went on for a little bit longer and that was it. We haven't spoken since.

 

DOES ANYONE KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD CONTACT HER, I NEED TO EITHER MOVE ON OR AT LEAST KNOW THAT I AM DOING WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING IN GIVING HER TIME. SHE STILL HAS HER STUFF HERE WHICH DOES NOT HELP AT ALL AND SHE HAS OFFERED TO COME GET IT...

 

I've been getting the jones to call her, but I dont know which way I would talk to her, serious, light, or pretending that everything is great, or to be brutally honest. So many unanswered questions and I'm starting to resent her for being a coward. Please help!

[rkman]

You can't teach people, people have to learn themselves. She will learn, hopefully not the hard way she will. Use the fact that you love her so much to allow her to learn, just as a parent would allow their kids to make their mistakes. Being there for her will only show her that she has security. She has clearly made the choice to do what she wants, it's time for you to step up and let her do that. It will hurt both of you severely, but it's an unfortunate part of life which has to happen.

[Yoyito]

You can't teach people, people have to learn themselves. She will learn, hopefully not the hard way she will. Use the fact that you love her so much to allow her to learn, just as a parent would allow their kids to make their mistakes. Being there for her will only show her that she has security. She has clearly made the choice to do what she wants, it's time for you to step up and let her do that. It will hurt both of you severely, but it's an unfortunate part of life which has to happen.

 

I hear ya. You are absolutely correct. It's just that scenarios keep popping in my head on what ifs...I could contact a mutual friend of ours to let him know pretty much exactly what you said to A) perhaps gather further insight on how much of this is a break vs a break up and B)to tell him in confidence citing that I am respecting her 'time to herself' but to somewhat subtly show that I do love her alot if/when he does tell her we talked. I know he wasn't thrilled with the break-up.

 

Bottomline, I need to know that I'm not getting played for a fool and if I am to leave her behind, I won't be getting a call from her in the future of how much she misses me or god knows what. That stuff unfortunately works on me, wish it worked on girls, but life is cruel that way I guess lol.

[rkman]

The what If's are out of your control. We were given the freedom of choice, but ironically, we'd prefer to know the outcome before making that choice, so that we wouldn't have to take responsiblity. What if you called? What if you didn't?

 

Ask yourself this; What if she called? What if she were selfless? What if she really cared?

 

She isn't asking herself any of these questions. All she is saying right now is "what about me?" Indirectly you can teach her that "what about me?" is not good enough for you. Would you rather depend on a person for the rest of your life who is selfish, or who is selfless? Think about it, that is exactly what you and your spouse will be doing; building a relationship of interdependence.

 

Getting played for a fool only affects your pride. In the end you will find out the hard truth. Take the risk, and let her go. Love is the ability to let go, true love will always come back. Personally, I see no dishonour in testing love that finally returns, for trust needs to be earned rather than simply given away.

[Yoyito]

The what If's are out of your control. We were given the freedom of choice, but ironically, we'd prefer to know the outcome before making that choice, so that we wouldn't have to take responsiblity. What if you called? What if you didn't?

 

Ask yourself this; What if she called? What if she were selfless? What if she really cared?

 

She isn't asking herself any of these questions. All she is saying right now is "what about me?" Indirectly you can teach her that "what about me?" is not good enough for you. Would you rather depend on a person for the rest of your life who is selfish, or who is selfless? Think about it, that is exactly what you and your spouse will be doing; building a relationship of interdependence.

 

Getting played for a fool only affects your pride. In the end you will find out the hard truth. Take the risk, and let her go. Love is the ability to let go, true love will always come back. Personally, I see no dishonour in testing love that finally returns, for trust needs to be earned rather than simply given away.

 

I hear you. What's so disorienting about this experience is that she was selfless, almost too selfless up until the breakup and what not but you are right.

 

The funny thing is that hanging on to NC the past couple of days have just fed my resentment and anger towards her. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. I don't like it, but maybe it's something I should be feeling?

[rkman]

Don't feel bad about that, it's all part of the healing process. You owe a person nothing who doesn't treat you fairly, having negative emotions towards her is healthy for the both of you.