Aloros Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 So my relationship with my boyfriend of 5.5 years is suspended. We're currently in friends-mode. We chat on the phone, sometimes have dinner together and/or watch movies/play video games. Physical touch is limited to friendly hugs and we no longer spend the night together. I feel a lot like everything that we can say to one another has been said. We've talked things to death. We love one another, but I don't think either of us really knows if this can work out. Our interests are vastly different, some of our values differ, he is not goal-oriented, which bothers me, and he thinks I'm insensitive. And there's the fact that he has 2.5 years more of undergraduate work at best. I graudated in 2004. On the other hand, he's the sweetest guy, we have a lot of fun together, and we have a fantastic physical relationship. At the same time, we're not broken up. Neither of us has dated anyone else. We've talked about going to couples counseling and are looking at therapists. Does this ever help? He's not really looking for someone to help us improve communication, etc. (we tend to communicate pretty well, we just don't necessarily understand one another, no matter how hard we try.) He wants to find someone who will tell us if we're making the right decision by breaking up, or if what we have is worth saving. Does this sound reasonable or feasible? This is my first relationship and his first serious relationship, which would probably help to explain the confusion. We've broken up once before and I was devastated, but this time I only feel a little sad. Mostly I feel ok. I've always been very busy, and I have more and closer friends this time around. I've started to plan a future without him, and it doesn't look as terrible as I thought it might. Still, I don't feel completely right moving on when we're still technically together. It's only been a week of this suspension, so maybe it's too soon to say one thing or the other.
akashalestat Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Yeah, way too soon to determine where relationship is going. But, where it goes is entirely up to the both of you. The fact that he wants to see a therapist to determine whether you two should continue is disturbing...that's not the way therapists work. they do not make the decisions, they allow issues to be brought out in the open, they are mediators, and yes, they can help. Although, they may reveal issues that are so large that cannot be resolved, but, at least, the couple discover this before they stay together and poison each other. First relationships are very special because they usually inhabit exclusivity moreso than seconds or thirds. Staying busy is important, keeep on doing your thing. Even take a break and not see or talk to each other for at least one week, that'll give both of you time to think how much you mean to each other. The grass is not always greener on the other side...
Author Aloros Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Thanks for your encouraging words akashalestat. Sometimes I think we're better off being friends, and other times I think I can't live without him. Although, I have to wonder how much of that is just the comfort of having him around. I work 8-5, so he was supposed to call the therapist yesterday and set up an appointment. Then he said he was busy researching how he should vote, and would be able to call the next day (today). Today he tells me he can't manage it and will call tomorrow. On the other hand he tells me this is the most important thing in his life right now?? I'm a little skeptical. I guess it just highlights one of my beefs with him: how unreliable he can be sometimes. I'm wondering if I should sneak away from work for a few minutes and call instead of waiting for him to do it, or just forget it. He means a lot to me, and I have been very patient. I'm just reaching the end of my rope in terms of frustration. Never expect a person to change too much, I guess.
akashalestat Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Yeah, I suggest this entirely. Therapy carries with it the stigma of there's something wrong with me or us that other people don't possess. Honey, way not true, as you can see from this site everyone has problems in relationships, 5.5 years is long time, and the fact that you two are both lovers and "still want to be friends is a total plus." It would be a major plus if he set up the therapy session, but remember the age old axiom, " females try to fix the male to their own perfection." Definitely, let him know that you are up for therapy and reassure him that the reason for the therapy is not to reveal that he is ffuup, but that you want your relationship to work out. This way, he'll maybe take up the reins. That being, the best case scenario is he does it 2 days, that said, if it doesn't happen take the ball in your court and set up an initial session yourself. Keep reminding him it is for the benefit of you two and that you do not blame him for the problems, that you want to move through some hurdles, every couple has hurdles, therapists are almost universally non-judgemental, and almost always leave the couple feeling better about themselves and individually. "Sneak off from work," no, it seems you wear the pants, set it up, this may help him achieve the maturity that you are hoping him to achieve. Be patience. Akashalestat
jerbear Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Take a look at the book: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay : A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum (Paperback - Jul 1, 1997) Might help, seems like you two are great friends and some relationships are friendships with love and sex.
SoleMate Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 I've started to plan a future without him, and it doesn't look as terrible as I thought it might. Therapy is fine, but I really have to urge you to lower your expectations as to getting an answer (like Yes or No). BeYour and your ex know yourselves and your r/s far better than a therapist ever would. You both know what you value in life, and what you want your futures to be. It is essential that you both own the decision as to who will be your life partner. I have actually asked therapists this question myself, and realized the pointlessness of it. Best case, you may get a few thoughts to throw in the hopper. I recommend that you read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley. It will help you see what your most important emotional needs are, and how well your bf meets them. The data points you DON'T have involve how well other men might meet them, and how long it would take you to find those men. Good luck!
Author Aloros Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 Thanks for the feedback. I'm personally not expecting the therapist to say yea or nay to our relationship; this is what my bf was looking for. He wants to know whether or not we are making the correct decision by breaking up. I'm kind of on the edge of giving up. I'm trying to remain positive so I can go into the counseling with an open mind. Our friends want us to stay together and work things out, my family thinks he's not good enough for me...I'm just confused. It's only been a week apart, and I'm starting to feel pretty good about being without him. We've had some great times together, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment over some of his deceptions and his empty promises. They were good-intentioned, but I'm still angry over them. Maybe I'll feel differently with more time. I'll take a look at Too Good to Leave, Too bad to Stay when I get back from work. I googled His Needs, Her Needs, and the list of needs seems a little inaccurate in our situation. For instance, I always expected to be the money maker in our relationship given our careers and ambitions, and he's the more sensitive, nurturing one. Still, I'm definitely not meeting his need to feel admired. I've tried, but he doesn't feel himself worthy of admiration (he's very insecure), so my attempts get shot down. I don't trust him completely given his past deception and the lies he has told to other people - people that he claims to love and care about. I've lost faith in him. We also don't have much to talk about anymore. When we go to dinner, it's just me chatting him up and trying to get him to talk to me. He's a good guy - I trust him not to cheat on me and he's always been there for his friends and for me. He treats me well and gives me plenty of affection. Am I being too picky? I'm just tired of waiting around for things to change when he says they will. Bleh. I need to sleep. Thanks again. You guys are the best.
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