overseas2004 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I think my posts were really really long and too much for you to answer But I really need some advice. So I am making it shorter. I was dating a guy. It was long distance and he got very serious about talking about marriage and children very early on. We had some problems from teh start. He was not good about calling alot. (Not to say that he didnt) But I definately called more. I also had to go see him more than he came to see me. I tried to broach these subjects with him but he really only would improve for a few weeks and then he would go back to his old ways. What made me stay? Well I am 38 and he was very definite about the fact that he wanted to get married and have children. On one of my visits to his house he asked me to go get an AIDS test and said he would do the same so that we could have unprotected sex. When I asked him what would happen if I got pregnant he said that this was not a problem, in fact he said it would be great. We are both 38 and have never been married and have discussed the fact that we would both like to have children before 40. We were not formally engaged but we decided that we were going to move in together in September. And he had said that he was certain we would marry soon after that. We talked about our wedding a few times where, how and stuff like that. He said "our being married and having children is a definite. This meant me quitting my job. I asked him if he wanted me to do that and he said yes. This was mostly because my job is stressful and I travel a lot. I have a very important job. It is not a little thing for me to quit it. I worked hard to get where I was. But I told him I was willing to do that so that we could be together. He seemed so happy. The same night that we agreed for me to move and quit my job we had unprotected sex for the first time. When he did not come inside me. I got upset and I questioned his sincerity. I told him that the reason I was angry was not so much that we had to make children that night but that it made me doubt his sincerity. I mentioned the fact that he doesnt call me as often as I am comfortable with and that I was visiting him more frequently. That night we made up. But the next time we parted he returned to his old not calling ways. I got upset and blew up. He broke up with me. Then I instituted a no contact rule. He wrote me an sms last friday (he was preparing to go on a sailing trip) asking me how I was feeling (I had been sick when we broke up). I did not respond to his sms Will he call again? I am going crazy. One of the things that is driving me insane is that I clearly dont have that much time to have children. I feel so betrayed. He promised so much and now I am at ground zero. I wake up at night crying and shaking and i cant stop thinking about all of it. What am I going to do. The thought of going to artificial insemination makes me insane. The thought of not having my own child and passing up on this beautiful experience makes me want to die. It seems all so complicated. And on top of all of it I really miss touching him and holding him. And I just feel I will never hear from him again.
Buttaflyy Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Overseas, I wish there was an easy answer for you but I think your question is not so much will you speak to him, but are you two really meant for each other. Sometimes it is hard to accept when the so called man of our dreams, our Prince; turns out to be a toad. It's hard not to think about all the time and dreams that you two shared. Impossible even, but if it's not right for you, you can't force the situation. Your title was pretty scary! But after reading I don't think that you've lost so much of yourself as to want to harm yourself. I hope not anyways. Please tell me it's not so! You sound like you'd be giving up way too much Actually, it seems that to be with him you'd be giving up more of yourself than you should. If you get a chance to talk with him you need a clearer understanding of his expectations. Maybe also, he should prove his sincerity in the plans you two discussed by marrying first. I've had plenty of unoffical "engagements" in my lifetime, yet I'm still single.
Outcast Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Fearing you won't have children is no reason to marry someone. We learn lessons in life and some of them are very hard. It's unfortunate that this guy turned out to be a dud but don't waste another minute of your life hoping he'll change into what you need. Realize that he's not good enough for you and set about finding someone else who is. You don't believe it now, but there's someone better out there and you need to find him so drop this dude and move on.
Author overseas2004 Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 To answer some of your questions. I did not want to marry him so I could have children. I wanted to marry him because I loved him and I thought he loved me. Children and the fact that he wanted to have them and told me so is what kept me in teh relationship because at some points I felt that he was giving less than I was. As for the feelings of suicide that does not come from teh break up or me losing myself so much in him as it does with the fact that I dont know what to do next. I want children so much. But I want to experience it with someone I love. I dont want to go to a sperm bank and I dont want to do it the otherway. Yet I have to say that if I didnt have children I was brought up to believe that life without family is no life. So I guess this is a tough dillema. And I am starting to realize that I feel way to much pressure. How am I to be in a relationship ( a healthy one) if I feel all this pressure to get married and have children. I probably scared this guy away. Although I do admit he was the one pushing the marriage issue. I never had to talk about it because he always did. I just got mad when he did not come inside me. That is only because at that point I felt like I was being strung along.
Just Visiting Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I am sorry to hear that this happened to you. Based on what you have posted, there is too much pressure placed to have children. Maybe it did scare him away. Lately, I have been seeing a lot of people in a rush to settle down and have children without taking the time to really get to know each other. I have made that mistake a couple of times and was burned by it. Now I know better. This man is not ready to go down that route. It's too bad he couldn't back up his words of marriage and children. But it doesn't mean the end of the road for you. Too much has been put into a relationship that wasn't equal. You were ready to give up alot for this man....learn from it. No woman should do that...no matter the age. *Hug* You will have your children....don't worry.
stillafool Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 First of all how long has it been since you broke up? I think it's awfully funny that he would get so angry about your being upset that he didn't call you more? That doesn't seem like a good enough reason to break up with someone. He definitely feels pressure about the baby thing. If you truly feel that life is nothing without a baby then it seems you shouldn't be opposed to sperm banks, adoption or whatever method to have one. It is always ideal to have a family with the man of your dreams but sadly that doesn't always happen. The way you are rushing it you won't have time to settle in and live together before the baby comes. I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. thank God you didn't quit your job. It sounds like you make enough money that if you did have a child on your own you could afford it. You said you were doing all or most of the calling before and now that you have went NC on him he still isn't calling you. What does that tell you?
destination_unknown Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 If your feeling suicidal you should see a councellor, it will help. I dont think you should consider any form of conception while you have any doubts about your own stability. A child will not make things better. Things will get much better with time, but try not to put pressure on yourself thinking about children and marriage right now. Take a break from that for a little while until you feel stronger and happier yourself.
Author overseas2004 Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 We broke up 3 weeks ago. But we did see each other a week and a half ago and talked about our fight. When we parted he kissed and hugged me but we did not actually make up. All we did was agree that he would call me when I returned to the U.S. Instead he contacted me earlier than I expected ... he sent me a text message less than a week ago which I did not answer. I decided that a text message asking me how I am is not enough. And so I instituted the no contact rule. And I havent answered his text message. Now I am back in the States. He told me that the reason we broke up had nothing to do with me wanting to have a baby. He said it was our argument that made him break. He said that he fought in his last relationship and that he was that our relationship was going the same way. But it is so unfair. We only had ONE fight. Granted it was about an ugly thing. But to go from talking about me quitting my job and getting married to breaking up? WTF????
Buttaflyy Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 We broke up 3 weeks ago. But we did see each other a week and a half ago and talked about our fight. When we parted he kissed and hugged me but we did not actually make up. All we did was agree that he would call me when I returned to the U.S. Instead he contacted me earlier than I expected ... he sent me a text message less than a week ago which I did not answer. I decided that a text message asking me how I am is not enough. And so I instituted the no contact rule. And I havent answered his text message. Now I am back in the States. He told me that the reason we broke up had nothing to do with me wanting to have a baby. He said it was our argument that made him break. He said that he fought in his last relationship and that he was that our relationship was going the same way. But it is so unfair. We only had ONE fight. Granted it was about an ugly thing. But to go from talking about me quitting my job and getting married to breaking up? WTF????[/quote] I think you are doing well with NC. Seems like he used the first excuse to break up. Can you imagine breaking up with someone you plan to marry over an argument?? Do you really think that he doesn't ever expect to argue in a relationship? Since this is not his first relationship, seems he'd know that sometimes arguments do occur. Maybe he has changed his mind about the plans you two made and didn't know how to tell you. Him not cumming in you seems to be proof that he doesn't want a baby. I think you should be grateful that you found out now instead of after you got pregnant. Now you can find someone who wants the same things as you. For all that you were willing to give up for this man, I can't see him walking away if he still wanted it. Why hasn't he proposed if he wanted to start a family? I think that the explosion over him not coming inside of you is probably what broke the camel's back, but you shouldn't punish yourself for it. You two talked about this previously and you felt decieved when he didn't come through. I think overall he must of had a change of heart about it all.
Author overseas2004 Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 Ok yes I agree with you. He either had a change of heart or was never serious about it to begin with. Or wasnt there yet or whatever. But how can a person go from telling you to quit your job and move in at 5 pm in the afternoon.... talking about the babies you are going to have .... to pulling out at 10 pm at night. Sorry I know I keep asking the same questions. It just doesnt compute.
Buttaflyy Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Ok yes I agree with you. He either had a change of heart or was never serious about it to begin with. Or wasnt there yet or whatever. But how can a person go from telling you to quit your job and move in at 5 pm in the afternoon.... talking about the babies you are going to have .... to pulling out at 10 pm at night. Sorry I know I keep asking the same questions. It just doesnt compute. It really doesn't compute. It could be a number of things. Have u asked him? Maybe you should. Would you be able to have a heart to heart with him? Even if it's to maybe give yourself some sort of closure. No matter what the reason. Even though you cant see it now, this could have been alot worst. He must be a real jerk to have you quit ur job and all and not give you any explanation for the breakup. Did he tell you that he's changed his mind about having kids or any of your plans? What was the reason for him breaking up with u in the first place?
Guest Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 If you're feeling suicidal, you must see a doctor. NOW! And do not take their drugs, ask for councelling!
Author overseas2004 Posted June 8, 2006 Author Posted June 8, 2006 The reason according to him was because we got into a fight. He said he was not afraid of committment but that he was afraid of the wrong committment. He said that the fact that I got angry because he was bad at calling and the other stuff were things that had bothered other girls that he dated and they fought. He said he was to try to find someone who could handle the way he was. This was what he said at the break up. When we did see each other face to face the following week which he asked to see me. He told me that he again was afraid of the wrong committment. He said that he had a relationship in the past which lasted 10 years. He said they fought so much that she tried to hit him once. And when he tried to block her she fell to the ground. He told me that he never wanted to have that kind of relationship again. Then he said that when we fought he had a flashback to that situation and that this killed his desire to be with me. I of course tried to explain that it was normal for couples to fight and I also reminded him that I had never fought with him before. For Christ's sake once when he didnt call me for a week, I was normal and sweet on teh phone. I chided him about it in a joke. He denied it was fear of having a baby and all that s***. But truly I believe the story I just related to you is a cop out. I was not trying to hit him and I only raised my voice marginally when we fought. He accused me of being impulsive. The only other clue I can give you is that I have a friend. And he used to date her sister. He did the same thing to her ALTHOUGH he did not ever mention marriage with her. He was bad at calling. He showed up at 2 am sometimes. She was in tears all the time. Obviously the ten year relationship that I mentioned earlier was no good either. I guess I am just more evidence of a problem that he must have. I guess. I just feel so dam_ dam_ bad because he laid it at my feet for me fighting. And even my reason cant beat that. I got mad at an intimate moment between us. That was bad.
Aloros Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Given the expectations you had, valid ones, you had a right to be upset. Don't beat yourself up over it. Maybe you overreacted a little, but that's no grounds for him to just end the relationship, especially if you were talking about quitting your job and getting married. A relationship should be made of stronger stuff than that. Hang in there. I'd say to keep the NC and just take care of yourself.
Love Hurts Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 You played with fire..................... you listened to the devil and he got you to quit your means of income............ to lay with him and have a child out of wedlock (security)......... anything he wanted you did. Feel foolish yet? Is sucker on your forehead? Be thankful you are not pregnant with the demon spon. Get back to work. Move on. God spared you a life of agrivation in that night of your bliss unfoolfilled. Have some standards............. if you have no morals or grounds of value. Have Some stop signs or.. you will open to and fall for anything. God gave you a brain........... don't be so desperate you are willing to cut your throat in life to get it. Start over smarter.
Buttaflyy Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 You played with fire..................... you listened to the devil and he got you to quit your means of income............ to lay with him and have a child out of wedlock (security)......... anything he wanted you did. Feel foolish yet? Is sucker on your forehead? Be thankful you are not pregnant with the demon spon. Get back to work. Move on. God spared you a life of agrivation in that night of your bliss unfoolfilled. Have some standards............. if you have no morals or grounds of value. Have Some stop signs or.. you will open to and fall for anything. God gave you a brain........... don't be so desperate you are willing to cut your throat in life to get it. Start over smarter. DAMN LH! The title mentions suicide and this is what you have to say??? Overseas, we've all been here a time or two (Probably even LH eh?? ). Just hang on there. It will get better. Anyone could see what ur frustrations were but I think it would really benefit you to stay away. This relationship is not a good one. Is this a man you would want to be married to? Really?
Author overseas2004 Posted June 12, 2006 Author Posted June 12, 2006 I honestly dont know what I want anymore. I miss him but I hate him. I cry all day and all night. My job is suffering. I have this habit of rubbing my eyebrow when I get upset. I have rubbed it so much that I wore a hole in it and I have smoked so many cigarettes that I just cant breath. The pain wont go away and its more intense than any of my other break ups. And I have had way too many.
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