bevybaby Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 ...I think I have the closure I need. Ya see, he was never verbally honest with me so I kept a false hope. Well, he's finally said the words I apparently needed to hear because I am obviously to THICK to get it the first 100 times he's hurt me. He finally said, "I'm not into you the way I used to be or the way you want me to be." Can you imagine hearing that? I cried to him over the phone, made a fool of myself, etc...And on top of it he says we should just be friends! Now I need to get over this blatant rejection. And on top of everything else I'm a 32 year old MW whose H is a self-centered, passively-cruel, but financially successful creep. I stayed with him out of habit, kids, stability, right thing to do, blah, blah, blah. And at this point in my life (with an 8 & 2 year old) I'm not ready...plain & simple...I'm not ready. So I live in a shell of a marriage that has somehow lasted 10 years and six years before that. So as you can see, I have a history of bad habits!!!! The kicker is he thinks everything is fine. I try and tell him things need to change but he looks at me like I just spoke in foreign tongues. I dont think it's worth working on....isnt that awful to say???? Would I even say that if I hadnt received the attention of someone else? I also found out that the H has joined myspace.com and has a profile of "single" and has been receiving questionable images of women from his brother of all people. With the OM, I've never had rejection like this. I've never hurt and ached like this...what is this?????? How do I get out from this? How do I move on....it's going to take more than seeing the words "No Contact." That's easy, he doesnt contact me and I know if I try he'll just ignore the call or e-mail. It's the daily grind and even though I keep busy he's always in my thoughts. I know I need counseling but on the surface everyone thinks I'm fine and I would have to admit there is a problem. I am really in a pickle! HELP!
zarathustra Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 ...I think I have the closure I need. Ya see, he was never verbally honest with me so I kept a false hope. Well, he's finally said the words I apparently needed to hear because I am obviously to THICK to get it the first 100 times he's hurt me. He finally said, "I'm not into you the way I used to be or the way you want me to be." Can you imagine hearing that? I cried to him over the phone, made a fool of myself, etc...And on top of it he says we should just be friends! Now I need to get over this blatant rejection. And on top of everything else I'm a 32 year old MW whose H is a self-centered, passively-cruel, but financially successful creep. I stayed with him out of habit, kids, stability, right thing to do, blah, blah, blah. And at this point in my life (with an 8 & 2 year old) I'm not ready...plain & simple...I'm not ready. So I live in a shell of a marriage that has somehow lasted 10 years and six years before that. So as you can see, I have a history of bad habits!!!! The kicker is he thinks everything is fine. I try and tell him things need to change but he looks at me like I just spoke in foreign tongues. I dont think it's worth working on....isnt that awful to say???? Would I even say that if I hadnt received the attention of someone else? I also found out that the H has joined myspace.com and has a profile of "single" and has been receiving questionable images of women from his brother of all people. With the OM, I've never had rejection like this. I've never hurt and ached like this...what is this?????? How do I get out from this? How do I move on....it's going to take more than seeing the words "No Contact." That's easy, he doesnt contact me and I know if I try he'll just ignore the call or e-mail. It's the daily grind and even though I keep busy he's always in my thoughts. I know I need counseling but on the surface everyone thinks I'm fine and I would have to admit there is a problem. I am really in a pickle! HELP! Bevy, I'm sure your MM and mine compare notes on what to say. Mine said the same thing about a month after we split up. That he wasn't into me like he used to because he has so much ties/baggage (i.e. his old life at home). Just recently (5 months later) he tells me how he loved me and that he always will for the rest of his life. WFT!! How's a girl going to get closure! Anyway, I've decided to see him for what he is... a big manipulative jerk who deep down want to keep me on a thread. I don't know why, but that's what he's doing. I don't initiate things with him, he does that with me and I have asked him not to go down that path and don't talk to me and yet he repeatedly disrespects my wishes. Just this morning he IMs me and asks my opinion about a new work colleague. Its not really my job to assess people for him so how is that work related?!??!! Just sent him a short opinion and closed the window. I gather I'll just have to turn that feature off, but then there's office email. Bevy, don't worry about xMM and no contact going on. Eventually the pain will subside and you'll grow from this. With regards to home, heal from one relationship first before trying to heal from another. Take this time to reflect on what you want out of life. What you want for your children and the role model you want to be to them. Focus on whether your M will be a benefit to them or a detriment. Growing up in a toxic home environment will just yield toxic individuals. Good luck.
Jessie61 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I've decided to see him for what he is... a big manipulative jerk who deep down want to keep me on a thread. I don't know why, but that's what he's doing. I don't initiate things with him, he does that with me and I have asked him not to go down that path and don't talk to me and yet he repeatedly disrespects my wishes. Just this morning he IMs me and asks my opinion about a new work colleague. Its not really my job to assess people for him so how is that work related?!??!! Just sent him a short opinion and closed the window. I gather I'll just have to turn that feature off, but then there's office email. Bevy, don't worry about xMM and no contact going on. Eventually the pain will subside and you'll grow from this. With regards to home, heal from one relationship first before trying to heal from another. Take this time to reflect on what you want out of life. What you want for your children and the role model you want to be to them. Focus on whether your M will be a benefit to them or a detriment. Growing up in a toxic home environment will just yield toxic individuals. Good luck. Oh dear, Zara, I am so sorry that he just won't leave you alone... My heart really goes out to you! Yes, you are right. It is manipulative and how are you supposed to get closure and heal with him picking at the scab all the time???? Bevy, I think Zara is right. Forget about these men in your life. Concentrate on you and what you want. You have to look after yourself. Then you can make whatever decisions you have to make for you and your children.
Author bevybaby Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Bevy, I'm sure your MM and mine compare notes on what to say. Mine said the same thing about a month after we split up. That he wasn't into me like he used to because he has so much ties/baggage (i.e. his old life at home). Just recently (5 months later) he tells me how he loved me and that he always will for the rest of his life. WFT!! How's a girl going to get closure! Anyway, I've decided to see him for what he is... a big manipulative jerk who deep down want to keep me on a thread. I don't know why, but that's what he's doing. I don't initiate things with him, he does that with me and I have asked him not to go down that path and don't talk to me and yet he repeatedly disrespects my wishes. Just this morning he IMs me and asks my opinion about a new work colleague. Its not really my job to assess people for him so how is that work related?!??!! Just sent him a short opinion and closed the window. I gather I'll just have to turn that feature off, but then there's office email. Bevy, don't worry about xMM and no contact going on. Eventually the pain will subside and you'll grow from this. With regards to home, heal from one relationship first before trying to heal from another. Take this time to reflect on what you want out of life. What you want for your children and the role model you want to be to them. Focus on whether your M will be a benefit to them or a detriment. Growing up in a toxic home environment will just yield toxic individuals. Good luck. Hi, Zara, Thank you for your kind words. I truly expected to be beat up for being such a wuss and failing on the NC especially when I knew in my heart of hearts he no longer wanted the relationship with me. I feel sick! But I keep telling myself "this too shall pass." (Not helping right now!!!) But your words have taken the edge off and I HAVE to believe it'll get better and that I can get passed it. I KNOW I'm stronger than this. I KNOW I have it in me and I KNOW am a mature, responsible adult. I just wish my head would get the memo down to my heart. Hugs to you!
Author bevybaby Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Bevy, I think Zara is right. Forget about these men in your life. Concentrate on you and what you want. You have to look after yourself. Then you can make whatever decisions you have to make for you and your children. You're right...you're both right...I just feel so trapped right now...like if I move in any one directions I'm going to get zapped, stung, tortured, whatever.
Jessie61 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 You're right...you're both right...I just feel so trapped right now...like if I move in any one directions I'm going to get zapped, stung, tortured, whatever. No, you are not trapped. Yes, you might FEEL trapped, but you are not going to get zapped, stung, tortured or whatever else once you start doing whatever you have decided to do! OK?
movinon05 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Just this morning he IMs me and asks my opinion about a new work colleague. Its not really my job to assess people for him so how is that work related?!??!! Just sent him a short opinion and closed the window. I gather I'll just have to turn that feature off, but then there's office email. You should have told him it is not your job to assess people. Period. Throw it back in his face, Zara!
zarathustra Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I feel sick! But I keep telling myself "this too shall pass." (Not helping right now!!!) I know! Doesn't it just suck that it doesn't help by telling yourself this on the days you feel the worst? But you know what? You need to feel badly in order to feel better. You will have a better day... maybe its tomorrow or maybe after a long hard week of reflection, but you will feel better. I know that no matter how hard I try to redirect my focus on my bad days, it doesn't help. I just need the time to wallow in self pity and mope around. Its better than to keep all these feelings pent up! But your words have taken the edge off and I HAVE to believe it'll get better and that I can get passed it. I KNOW I'm stronger than this. I KNOW I have it in me and I KNOW am a mature, responsible adult. I just wish my head would get the memo down to my heart. Hugs to you! Hugs to you too. You deserve much much better than what the men in your life is dealing to you. You probably feel trapped you feel like whatever you do, you cannot afford to make a wrong turn. I've felt that way in my marriage too and maybe the steps I took were too extreme. I should have gone to my folks' place for a few days or go bunk at my friend's house for a few days and then decided where I should go in my relationships. It really took my leaving for my H to realize that he's really failed and disappointed me. Then he was really serious about being a good H to me. Take this time and not worry about what your H is doing, but what you need in order to be in a relationship that makes you happy. Once you identify that, then let him know what it is you need. If he has the ability to deliver but no desire, then you know what you need to do for yourself and for your kids. Many many hugs to you.
zarathustra Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 You should have told him it is not your job to assess people. Period. Throw it back in his face, Zara! I know, I know... I just don't want to start the morning off badly. I'm actually feeling much better today. I don't make eye contact with him and he was picking on my friend at a meeting today and I'm actually quite pissed that he has it in him to do that.
Author bevybaby Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Thank you Zara. I'm so grateful to have found someone in a similar spot. It must've been hell what you went through. And judging from your earlier post I assume you work with the jerk. I have that as an advantage I guess. I dont work with him necessarily. He's done work for me and vice versa. We both have our own businesses. So, ultimately he will be outta sight outta mind. Based on my convo with the xMM he's letting me go with no problem. And that is making it a little easier to move on..baby steps...but I'm moving. As far as the H, I've always made the excuse for him (when he's offended other people for his aloofness or rudeness) "He is who he is...I cant fix him, that was his mom's job." All along, I was in a complacent state with my H. Then the xMM comes along and gives me a glimpse of what it could be like with someone who has a spirit, a passion, interests other than his career. But I ignored the fact that he was unavailable anyway. My own fault I guess. Thanks again and hugs to you! Today I feel like garbage.
zarathustra Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Thank you Zara. I'm so grateful to have found someone in a similar spot. It must've been hell what you went through. And judging from your earlier post I assume you work with the jerk. I have that as an advantage I guess. I dont work with him necessarily. He's done work for me and vice versa. We both have our own businesses. So, ultimately he will be outta sight outta mind. Based on my convo with the xMM he's letting me go with no problem. And that is making it a little easier to move on..baby steps...but I'm moving. As far as the H, I've always made the excuse for him (when he's offended other people for his aloofness or rudeness) "He is who he is...I cant fix him, that was his mom's job." All along, I was in a complacent state with my H. Then the xMM comes along and gives me a glimpse of what it could be like with someone who has a spirit, a passion, interests other than his career. But I ignored the fact that he was unavailable anyway. My own fault I guess. Thanks again and hugs to you! Today I feel like garbage. You may feel like garbage, but you aren't garbage... remember that! The fact that he was unavailable and was with you without making himself available first should show you the kind of man he is. My H and I were both complacent. He's very soft spoken and doesn't defend me when he should. I brushed it off and then I met my xMM and he's so outspoken and told me he would do what it takes to be with me. He left his wife and kids so we could be together even when I asked him to give me up and stay home. Yeah, he was physically available for a while but in his heart, he never was emotionally available to me as he held on to his old life. Anyone can physically be there for you, but where was he when I cried myself to sleep when he realized that he missed his kids and shouldn't have left? Didn't take that hurt and pain into consideration when he left that someone will be broken hearted. Yeah, my xMM and I work together. I'm actually one of his subordinates. Each day he's in the office, he walks by my desk. He knows that I can see him even when I don't make eye contact with him. He has called me in the past to tell me that he is genuine and that he wants to be nice to me. Last week it was "I'll always love you". Anything just to have you hang on that little bit. Yours say now that he's over you, but just wait 10 or 12 days. He may not tell you that he loves you or miss you, but he'll just find some way to do something that will remind you that he's there... like "Hi, I'm still alive! Look at me! Gimme attention". I didn't respond to his emails at all. he sends me stuff to do and I do it without acknowledging that I will do it. Not necessary. So what does he do, he goes and picks on my friend in our meetings together. I guess he's waiting for me to speak up and say he's not being nice. I'm not falling for it. If she's pissed, she can go and bitch to someone who will listen. He knows that I'll jump to my friends' defense so he's probably floored right now that he's not heard from me. Since he did what he did, he's walked by my desk twice. Some xMMs are just like children. If they cannot get positive attention, they'll try for negative. He knows I'm serious about NC. Nope, he's outta my life for good! That's it... I've had it!
Author bevybaby Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Hey, Zara, Got an e-mail this AM from the exMM with the niceties so I wont hate him. He tells me he loved every minute with me and hopes I was happy too. Then goes on to say he still wants me sexually (in so many words). Could it get anymore basic than that? Clearly, to him, I was no more than a friend with benefits...that has helped me tremendously...NO TEARS today...now I'm pissed! I just keep reading it over and over again. And I'm like WTF....are you that much of an jackass? What the hell happened to me that I fell for this? Even though I broke NC I'm GLAD I did!!! I needed the clarity...I was still holding on to the fantasy. Hope you are ALL doing OK today!!!! I'm feeling groovy today and I wanted to share with you all. I was even thinking of posting his e-mail so you all can read it and see if it sounds familiar!!!!! Hugs to ALL of the Outstanding Warriors out there! (Cheesy I know)
zarathustra Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Hey, Zara, Got an e-mail this AM from the exMM with the niceties so I wont hate him. He tells me he loved every minute with me and hopes I was happy too. Then goes on to say he still wants me sexually (in so many words). Could it get anymore basic than that? Clearly, to him, I was no more than a friend with benefits...that has helped me tremendously...NO TEARS today...now I'm pissed! I just keep reading it over and over again. And I'm like WTF....are you that much of an jackass? What the hell happened to me that I fell for this? Even though I broke NC I'm GLAD I did!!! I needed the clarity...I was still holding on to the fantasy. Hope you are ALL doing OK today!!!! I'm feeling groovy today and I wanted to share with you all. I was even thinking of posting his e-mail so you all can read it and see if it sounds familiar!!!!! Hugs to ALL of the Outstanding Warriors out there! (Cheesy I know) Bevy!! Isn't it crazy how these MM have this constant need for approval and seem to fear being the bad guy and being hated? Isn't it amazing that they can remember the times the had with us fondly even when their actions hurt the ones that they claim to love most in their lives? Its kinda sick. If my xMM really loved me, he would leave me alone especially when it hurts him. If he cherished me and my friendship, then he would have really looked at what he was doing to me and his family. If he really loved me, he wouldn't want me to settle for the crumbs he had to offer and expect me to devour it like its the best gourmet meal. We all deserve more than sloppy seconds! Good riddance, Bevy! Thanks for being around. You remind me how despicable my xMM has been to me and I needed that reminder.
Jessie61 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Got an e-mail this AM from the exMM with the niceties so I wont hate him. He tells me he loved every minute with me and hopes I was happy too. Then goes on to say he still wants me sexually (in so many words). Could it get anymore basic than that? Clearly, to him, I was no more than a friend with benefits...that has helped me tremendously...NO TEARS today...now I'm pissed! I just keep reading it over and over again. And I'm like WTF....are you that much of an jackass? What the hell happened to me that I fell for this? Bevy, What a dreadful mail, but at the same time it was probably "the best" mail you could ever have got?? If I got one of those mails ALL feeelings I ever had for the person would die instantly! Anyway, he's a complete ass. You deserve better than him. Never forget that! Just thank your lucky star that you're out of it, eh??? :bunny:
Author bevybaby Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 You got it Jessie! He's made it VERY clear where I fit in his life...I understand now that it was a relationship for like 5 minutes then it turned into this fling for him, but I never got the memo. I still kept thinking (with help from him, ya know, the crumbs that you catch) that we were still "in it" as he would say. I tell ya, Saturday, I was still thinking he was a good guy and that this was just unfortunate timing for us, but now it's painfully obvious it was one-sided for a longtime. Double OUCH...lost the MM whom I cared deeply for AND come to realize he was never in it at the same level. My fault though, not like the red flags didnt go up...just chose to ignore 'cause the attention from him was better than nothing. Pathetic...I know...but I have to keep it real! Thanks for your thoughts on the matter! I really appreciate it.
Jessie61 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 You got it Jessie! He's made it VERY clear where I fit in his life...I understand now that it was a relationship for like 5 minutes then it turned into this fling for him, but I never got the memo. I still kept thinking (with help from him, ya know, the crumbs that you catch) that we were still "in it" as he would say. I tell ya, Saturday, I was still thinking he was a good guy and that this was just unfortunate timing for us, but now it's painfully obvious it was one-sided for a longtime. Double OUCH...lost the MM whom I cared deeply for AND come to realize he was never in it at the same level. My fault though, not like the red flags didnt go up...just chose to ignore 'cause the attention from him was better than nothing. Pathetic...I know...but I have to keep it real! Thanks for your thoughts on the matter! I really appreciate it. I am so glad that you can see all of this... However, make sure that you do remind yourself of all of this now and again. There may be times when you ask yourself "How could I fall for this bull****??" and you might kick yourself (I know that I have done in the past! OUCH!!!). Just don't!!!! It is not pathetic. It happens. OK? You have seen the light and you can now move on to great things in the future. THAT'S what you should concentrate on!!!
Author bevybaby Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 I'm keeping my eye on the prize..a healthy, happy, normal life...void of any drama. (Yeah right...) I'm just in the muck right now so I am very hard on myself. I am naturally hard, but these last few days I KNOW I've done a number on myself...I know 'cause I dont want to eat, cant sleep, afraid to talk to my friends or family 'cause they'll know I'm sad. I am trying to pull myself up hard & fast with the new realization that I have let a complete jackass effect me like this. Logically I know that. It's the rejection and the shame that creeps in and shoots that reality to hell! You and Zara and so many others are really helping me. Just knowing someone else shares this mess is a help. It's not easy to grieve and keep it a secret. So this is a great thing! And I can't wait to put this all behind me, move on and be someone else's strength!!! That's my goal! Smooch and a hug for my girls!
zarathustra Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I'm keeping my eye on the prize..a healthy, happy, normal life...void of any drama. (Yeah right...) I'm just in the muck right now so I am very hard on myself. I am naturally hard, but these last few days I KNOW I've done a number on myself...I know 'cause I dont want to eat, cant sleep, afraid to talk to my friends or family 'cause they'll know I'm sad. I am trying to pull myself up hard & fast with the new realization that I have let a complete jackass effect me like this. Logically I know that. It's the rejection and the shame that creeps in and shoots that reality to hell! You and Zara and so many others are really helping me. Just knowing someone else shares this mess is a help. It's not easy to grieve and keep it a secret. So this is a great thing! And I can't wait to put this all behind me, move on and be someone else's strength!!! That's my goal! Smooch and a hug for my girls! Muaaah! smooches and hugs right back at you! Yeah, the rejection hurts, but don't feel ashamed as a lot of MMs pulled a real fast one on us. I've really given my MM the cold shoulder and I can only pray that he stays far far away from me. He walked by my desk 3 times and peeked in each time. I just don't pay attention to him and I think he gets it. He knows I'm not falling into any traps and he knows I'm really f*cking serious about NC. Each time he comes by, I feel think less of him as I think that he is trying to get under my skin and break me. I think I finally see what he is doing. I don't appreciate it one bit. Its nice to find that there are those who really understand what we are going through. I'm glad to be able to be there for you Bevy. Thanks for being there for me too. The only thing I wish is that none of us had to endure the pain inflicted on us. It was really not necessary for us to have to have gone down this path of pain.
Author bevybaby Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Hey sweetie! You are so strong! Good for you! He just keeps begging for your attention. I think mine has enough on his plate right now, I won't be needing to ignore him. He's already moved on...'cept when he's horny...then I'll probably pop into his brain. Great! Did you ever consider finding another job? So you won't have to deal with that anymore.
Author bevybaby Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Oh, God!!! He's calling my phone right now!!! I'm ignoring!!!! I'm ignoring...you know that hot feeling you get on your neck when your in trouble...I just had that sensation...I ignored!!!! Yeah...now all I have to do is not call back...Wish me luck!!!!
zarathustra Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Hey sweetie! You are so strong! Good for you! He just keeps begging for your attention. I think mine has enough on his plate right now, I won't be needing to ignore him. He's already moved on...'cept when he's horny...then I'll probably pop into his brain. Great! Did you ever consider finding another job? So you won't have to deal with that anymore. I have a contractual obligation to stay. He's a complete jerk, he didn't want to let me go when before my contract was up so I signed for a long extention to my contract before we split up. Now I'm stuck here. Oh, God!!! He's calling my phone right now!!! I'm ignoring!!!! I'm ignoring...you know that hot feeling you get on your neck when your in trouble...I just had that sensation...I ignored!!!! Yeah...now all I have to do is not call back...Wish me luck!!!! You don't need luck as you already see him for what he is. Don't let him play his game on you. Just ignore or block his number. You are not a booty call! You are a precious, wonderful and intelligent human being deserving the best that a man can offer you. Remember that. Much love!
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