Chump64 Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 The scary thing... (and this goes for Chump's comment too about being confused on my choices) is that I know that I have to do this NC thing and for me its complicated because I literally work with this person where contact is inevitable. I always tell my husband (who is very contrite, and seems to be willing to do just about anything to make this work for us) “I’m paying attention to the walk, not the talk.” In other words (cliché coming up), actions speak louder than words. If you valued your marriage as much as you imply that you do, you would do whatever it takes to go NC with this guy. I have a hunch that if you told your husband what was going on, and that you were quitting your job tomorrow in order to establish NC, he would be supportive of that decision. Work at a temp agency if you have to. Another cliché coming up: Where there’s a will there’s a way. But as I try to pull away in small ways I feel that depressing rut coming on. Of course. You will be depressed. You will mourn that relationship. A good counselor can help you with that. It sounds like things became intense very recently. The deeper you wade in, the harder this will be. So if you are at all serious about turning back, time is of the essence. This OM is very important person to me BECAUSE we had a solid foundation as friends for so long. Sorry, I call bullcrap on that. I don’t care how long he has been a friend or how close you are, he is a very real threat to your marriage. If you don’t value your marriage enough to protect it by losing this person as a friend, then you should give some serious thought to leaving your husband. If a friend is more important to you than your spouse, let your spouse go. My husband and his OW were friends for 15 years, lovers for 10 of those years. We were all friends (she and her husband, me and my husband) for 15 years. We went to their house, they came to ours, for graduations and birthday parties, meals were taken over when people were hospitalized or a parent died, she came here when my (now 4 YO) son was born. Those friendships are all dead and buried now. No more contact, ever. Sad? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely. Overall, I agree with BryanP’s observation: It really sounds like you are a cake-eater who professes wanting to end this with the OM but not really because he is such a good friend. I think you stand to end up being one of those people who didn't know what you had until you lost it through your disrespecting behavior. Some people just have to learn the hard way. It is your choice if you will pay the price down the line. Open your eyes today or your heart will be broken tomorrow
whichwayisup Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 just to clarify, I have never had sex with this person. We've only exchanged kisses. Even that is bad though. Neither one of us are going to take this across the BIG LINE. --- littleroom Sorry, but that is bulls***. If he made a move on you, you wouldn't say no. You say that now because that opportunity hasn't come up YET. Don't PUT yourself IN that situation where saying no will be difficult. YOU have enough courage to write here and confess your feelings. To take it a step further, if you really want it to end, confess to your husband. Tell him that a kiss has happened, you have some feelings that need to be gotten rid of, and you want you and your husband to go to marriage counselling. Can you DO that? Admit to your husband, these thoughts and feelings for another man? Because that will 100% stop you from acting upon those feelings...And more than likely having to deal with your husband and face whatever it is that is missing from your marriage, will help fix it all. One on one counselling would be good for you as well. It wasn't until just a few months ago that things began to flip to being deeper than they should be. And as soon as you felt something for him, the best outcome would have been for you to end the friendship and know that it wouldn't be healthy for you, your marriage and ofcourse, very unfair to your husband. Instead you CHOSE to pursue the feelings further, let a kiss happen, which has obviously made more feelings, both emotional and sexual, come out inside you. What if your husband felt this way about another woman? Just think of that while you're hanging out with your OM. Imagine what you would feel if you were to find out he was considering sleeping with another woman, a woman that he has developed feelings for already... If he confessed to you, would you forgive him? Or would you get a divorce...And remember, nothing has really happened yet ... They're "just" friends, and recently developed feelings, so it hasn't gone that far. How would you feel? Now apply what you're feeling into your husband and leave the OM alone. End it with him because you want to live up to your vows.
Chump64 Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I could be wrong, but I suspect it will be very hard for Littleroom to put herself in her husband’s shoes. I imagine that right now, she believes her husband will never know and “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” LR, I agree that you should go to him and tell him, but I’m almost positive that you won’t. And this is, most likely, because of poor communication in your marriage. (I speak from experience, sadly.) You make it sound like your marriage is near-perfect and that you adore your husband. I beg to differ, or you would be confessing to him and offering to get into marriage counseling ASAP. I can’t tell you how much my husband regrets that we could not communicate better, that he couldn’t come to me at that point and say, “Help me fix us.” I’m sure there are good things about your marriage and you may well be mostly satisfied in your marriage. But you can’t simply chalk this OM relationship off to the notion that a lot of happily married people develop feelings for others and that you are one of the unfortunate victims of such a circumstance. Affairs are almost always – at least to some degree – a byproduct of stresses within a marriage. And not always stresses caused by the betrayed partner. Often they are stresses caused by the wandering partner, but they are routinely blamed on the betrayed partner. These are usually things that no one sees until the relationship is in a pile of complete rubble and you are picking through the pieces, looking to see if anything is salvageable. I think there is a degree of truth to the idea that happily married people can develop feelings for others. The bigger truth is that you can choose the path of least destruction if you have the strength and courage. Let the OM go, or let your husband go. And yes, you are right – you crossed a big line when you two kissed. Unless you buck up and take control of the situation, it won’t be long before you are in bed with this OM. I feel like I am wasting time saying this because I'm not optimistic about your situation, but my husband says his affair was the biggest regret of his life -- the worst mistake he ever made. Don't go down that path. Sorry for the harsh tone. I really do wish you well.
grateful Posted June 12, 2006 Posted June 12, 2006 I feel like I am wasting time saying this because I'm not optimistic about your situation, but my husband says his affair was the biggest regret of his life -- the worst mistake he ever made. Don't go down that path. Chump, I just wanted to say that you are not wasting your time. Your posts have been invaluable to me as I imagine they are to the countless people who read but do not post on LS. Thanks for your perspective. You know I have a similar situation to Littleroom's, so your words keep my SO's thoughts and feelings squarely in the forefront of my mind and heart. I'm working really hard to be the SO that he deserves. Thanks again.
Chump64 Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 No need to thank me, Grateful. But that is very nice of you. I don't feel like I am wasting my time in general. I just felt like I was wasting my time with that one poster because I am not optimistic about her taking the best route.
sylviaguardian Posted June 13, 2006 Posted June 13, 2006 Littleroom Don't know if you are still reading but this caught my eye and I had to say something: See, what I think you don't understand because you are a BS is that I am trying to sort out why I have found myself so deeply connected with someone else other than my spouse when my marriage has been doing well. We are happy. And I am not trying to fullfill something that isn't there. My sex life with my spouse is good etc. This OM is just a different person than my spouse and I am realizing that that is why I was attracted to him. He is more of a brutally honest individual. So I don't really see it as trying to fill a void. --- littleroom My husband said all this too.And the stuff about 'you didn't know so it wasn't hurting you'. I am at a loss as to what to say... I have tried to explain to my husband that just because someone doesn't know, doesn't mean you are not hurting them. I really don't understand this. If I ever met someone I was attracted, the thought of my husband's hurt face when he found out would have been enough to stop me. I just don't understand this. I don't know if any of this will help you, but their affair started in exactly the same way. She helped him out at work, they were friends, he said that when you meet someone you get on really well with, it's hard to walk by. Well, I walked by plenty of 'soulmates' for him because I made a committment when I married him to do just that. They were 'friends' for over a year before it moved to kissing then it moved to physical. They then stopped the physical and moved to daily contact, coffees etc. When I started to find out, they kept contacting each other. It's all much of muchness to me. In total he lied to me every single day for three years. The bottom line for me is that I have struggled with various things in my life and thought I'd finally met my 'soulmate'. He broke my heart and almost my mind. I still love him somewhere but I know in my heart that I never meant the same to him as he did to me. Our marriage died. What we have now is OK and we are working on it but I will never feel the same way about him again. Think carefully about what you are doing. Everytime you meet this man you are hurting your husband. Does he deserve it? Please don't fool yourself into thinking that you won't get caught. Most people do. Even now your husband will be wondering and might be waking up with those empty panicky feelings. I am amazed when I come onto this site how little people think about the consequences of their actions. It took me around a year and a half to stop crying. I lost everything. My best friend, the person I could trust, my dreams for the future. That is the real cost. Sylvia
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