Why can't I stop?

[littleroom]

I feel like a complete loser... I truly do. I can't seem to stop contact with this other person in my life. First of all, it VERY difficult because I work with him. But the little chats, him being around my office... it's not going away. And as much as I say this and everyone is going to say, "you have to just get him out of your life." I can say it is not that easy. I wish it was... but it isn't.

 

I am also trying to come to terms with my feelings for him.

 

--- littleroom

[THX2000]

I feel like a complete loser... I truly do. I can't seem to stop contact with this other person in my life. First of all, it VERY difficult because I work with him. But the little chats, him being around my office... it's not going away. And as much as I say this and everyone is going to say, "you have to just get him out of your life." I can say it is not that easy. I wish it was... but it isn't.

 

I am also trying to come to terms with my feelings for him.

 

--- littleroom

 

Get a new job. Simple as that if that's what needs to happen to not be around him and you can't control your feelings. I really hope you can get through this - you seem really torn up by all that is going on. Keep your head up and stay strong.

[Pyro]

I feel like a complete loser... I truly do. I can't seem to stop contact with this other person in my life. First of all, it VERY difficult because I work with him. But the little chats, him being around my office... it's not going away. And as much as I say this and everyone is going to say, "you have to just get him out of your life." I can say it is not that easy. I wish it was... but it isn't.

 

I am also trying to come to terms with my feelings for him.

 

--- littleroom

 

Maybe you could ask for a transfer to another dept.?

[Chump64]

I am obviously greatly biased ( ) but I think you could stop, if you really wanted to. If you thought you'd get caught and dumped by your spouse, would you stop? I read somewhere that 80 percent of affairs are discovered by spouses.

 

Like someone else said, get a new job. That seems like a fairly obvious solution.

[zarathustra]

I feel like a complete loser... I truly do. I can't seem to stop contact with this other person in my life. First of all, it VERY difficult because I work with him. But the little chats, him being around my office... it's not going away. And as much as I say this and everyone is going to say, "you have to just get him out of your life." I can say it is not that easy. I wish it was... but it isn't.

 

I am also trying to come to terms with my feelings for him.

 

--- littleroom

What do you want out of your relationship with this person? If you had to choose between him and your SO, who will you choose to be with? Once you made your choice (I assume from following your thread, you would choose SO), then you need to let the OM know that he cannot chat with you anymore. Tell him that from now on, you will only see him for work purposes only and that he can do likewise. Yes, you can say it is not easy and I know that it isn't... I live it daily, but its can be done and has been done. I'm doing it right now.

 

Good luck.

[ShaeBaby]

I don't know how I got to this site, but something kept me reading and then I found you. I have been in the same type of situation as you have been for over 6 years. I met him at work over 6 years ago, we started out as friends. A guy like him I thought would never be interested in me, but the more we talked the more we flirted and then eventually we got physical. I can't seem to get him out of my head. I know there is no way he's ever going to leave his wife, he has too much invested in everything. He has two daughters and he said he would never do anything to hurt his girls. I don't want him to. He's a great father. He's a great man and I feel like even if he was single I wouldn't be good enough. He cares about me, but here's the deal Littleroom.... I deserve more, you deserve more. They are both getting what they want. They are getting their cake and eating it too. There are so many men out there that are treating us like crap and getting away with it, because we don't think we deserve better or we are "losers" or we just think they are all we can get. I moved over 1000 miles to get away from him in 2003, I still talk to him on the phone, still text him, still e mail him and one week ago,,,still had sex with him... Why does he have this hold on me,,, I keep asking myself that question. I am belittling myself everytime I have sex with him and to tell you the honest truth it pisses me off, because I hate not having control. When I got back home and could think straight, I sent him a e mail. I said... Look, I love you, but you will never love me...and how can I love you if you don't love me.... You are my friend and I hope you always will, but we aren't having sex anymore. If you can't deal with that, then I guess we can't be friends. We still talk, He still cares, listens to me vent.

 

The two suggestions that I have for you are...

1---- You are better than you believe yourself to be. You deserve to be number one. Don't let him treat you like you are number 2, cause that's what it looks like.

2---- Read, "He's just not that into you." It helped me, tremendously.

 

I do deserve to be treated like I'm number one, I don't deserve to be 2nd best. If he was that into me, he would leave his wife and make me his, but he hasn't and I'm done. I hope this helps, if not, I'm sorry I wasted your time.

 

 

Shae Baby

[whichwayisup]

Look at it like stopping a bad habit. Like smoking or eating alot of sugar. You just have to get yourself IN the right frame of mind and once you make that choice to STOP letting yourself feel anything for him, it will happen. Problem is, you're still enjoying how he makes you feel. So, stop thinking about him and stop letting your feelings grow for him.

 

I'm sure it won't be easy but if you really want it to end, just make yourself go into NC mode.

 

I agree, with Riddler. Either find another job if you can or ask for a transfer.

[littleroom]

The two suggestions that I have for you are...

1---- You are better than you believe yourself to be. You deserve to be number one. Don't let him treat you like you are number 2, cause that's what it looks like.

2---- Read, "He's just not that into you." It helped me, tremendously.

 

I do deserve to be treated like I'm number one, I don't deserve to be 2nd best. If he was that into me, he would leave his wife and make me his, but he hasn't and I'm done. I hope this helps, if not, I'm sorry I wasted your time.

 

Wow! Thank you for sharing your story with me. I love your suggestions. I do deserve to be better to myself. In my case ShaeBaby... I am the one who is married. I cannot believe I am acting this way.

 

Get a new job. Simple as that if that's what needs to happen to not be around him and you can't control your feelings. I really hope you can get through this - you seem really torn up by all that is going on. Keep your head up and stay strong.

 

I am actually waiting to hear back on a job. I WANT THE HELL OUT OF THIS and I truly feel like I cannot stop on my own. I don't feel I can without being physically removed from him.

 

--- littleroom

[ShaeBaby]

Well, Littleroom. I've been on the other side as well. I'm not proud of it. I was seperated when I started that affair, so yes, we were both married when we started it. I hope what I said helped a little. You aren't the only person in the world who has ever had an affair and unfortunately you won't be the last. Try you hardest everyday to not have anything to do with him. It's like someone suggested. Think of it as not drinking soda, smoking or drinking... If you mess up, you mess up and you just try harder. I haven't had sex with him for over 2 weeks, before that one year 2 months... It gets easier, but don't beat yourself up when you mess up. That only brings more negative thoughts to yourself. If you are thinking about seeing him, calling him,,, walk away, go to the mall, call an old friend, go to the craft store and take up candle making....LOL anything to keep away from him. Make up a list of the things you've always wanted to try. At least that's what my therapist told me when I really wanted to get away from this guy. You are in control, you have to be. Sorry about the babbling on. I've just been here, done that. Lots of luck. God Bless. Shae:cool:

[littleroom]

Well, Littleroom. I've been on the other side as well. I'm not proud of it. I was seperated when I started that affair, so yes, we were both married when we started it. I hope what I said helped a little. You aren't the only person in the world who has ever had an affair and unfortunately you won't be the last. Try you hardest everyday to not have anything to do with him. It's like someone suggested. Think of it as not drinking soda, smoking or drinking... If you mess up, you mess up and you just try harder. I haven't had sex with him for over 2 weeks, before that one year 2 months... It gets easier, but don't beat yourself up when you mess up. That only brings more negative thoughts to yourself. If you are thinking about seeing him, calling him,,, walk away, go to the mall, call an old friend, go to the craft store and take up candle making....LOL anything to keep away from him. Make up a list of the things you've always wanted to try. At least that's what my therapist told me when I really wanted to get away from this guy. You are in control, you have to be. Sorry about the babbling on. I've just been here, done that. Lots of luck. God Bless. Shae:cool:

 

Thank you Shae!

 

I've already messed up twice since originally writing this. I seem to just continue to mess up with this though.

 

Anyway... still trying...

 

--- littleroom

[Outcast]

and I truly feel like I cannot stop on my own.

 

That's not the case. But so long as you TELL yourself 'I can't', you won't. You must adopt the attitude that you can do ANYTHING. And then go about doing it. You absolutely can do it but you are allowing yourself to be weak and powerless - or at least you're telling yourself you are. So quit it. It's whiny and unappealing and you deserve better of life and of yourself. Be a person you can be proud of by putting an end to this whether or not he's still there.

[Guest]

is sex really that bad? and im not asking about sex with him but sex in general. we are sexual beings, we want to be held, we want to be taken to that place that only certain people have the ability to take us! damn it! we are humans! and we are who we are! we are not the other people, we are not their ideas, our own thoughs have to come over and we need to understand that our actiobns have reactions, but your desution will be the right one becasue is yours to be made! enough about feeling used, you have sex becasue you enjoyed it just as much, enough about being garbage, you get out of it what you out into it! life is a series of moments, must are very boring and uneventful, some are horrible, we wish we could forget them! but there are those, that if a genie will grant us a wish to be forever living at any time, we will choose those moments! like you making love to this guy. enjoy your life, regrets are for those who are afraid of making mistakes.

[littleroom]

is sex really that bad? and im not asking about sex with him but sex in general. we are sexual beings, we want to be held, we want to be taken to that place that only certain people have the ability to take us! damn it! we are humans! and we are who we are! we are not the other people, we are not their ideas, our own thoughs have to come over and we need to understand that our actiobns have reactions, but your desution will be the right one becasue is yours to be made! enough about feeling used, you have sex becasue you enjoyed it just as much, enough about being garbage, you get out of it what you out into it! life is a series of moments, must are very boring and uneventful, some are horrible, we wish we could forget them! but there are those, that if a genie will grant us a wish to be forever living at any time, we will choose those moments! like you making love to this guy. enjoy your life, regrets are for those who are afraid of making mistakes.

 

Not sure how to take your post... but just to clarify, I have never had sex with this person. We've only exchanged kisses. Even that is bad though. Neither one of us are going to take this across the BIG LINE.

 

--- littleroom

[Outcast]

life is a series of moments, must are very boring and uneventful, some are horrible, we wish we could forget them!

 

I'm sorry, but infidelity just because you're 'bored' doesn't cut it. If you're the sort of person that thinks life with someone is going to be horrible to the point that you 'need' an affair to entertain yourself, then never ever marry, ok.

[sylviaguardian]

Just to clarify Littleroom - I have really enjoyed your posts on LS. I think you are pretty brave to keep plugging on when most BS are foaming at the mouth and looking for blood! Keep posting - it's cool to hear from WS.

 

That said, the reason why you can't get this guy out of your head is most definitley because:

 

- you are underplaying to yourself the effect that it's going to have on your partner, OR

- you think you are never going to get caught.

 

Both are wrong, so think carefully with your eyes open. You sound like a nice person so wise up to what's going on

[Blind Illusion]

LittleRoom, I have also wondered how one just goes about shutting off feelings for someone. A therapist once suggested replacing or at least allowing other passions in my life. She didn't mean that in the romantic sense but just other things that I look forward to. This way, my whole essence isn't wrapped completely around these feelings.

 

It has worked a little, I guess. (((shrug)))

[littleroom]

Just to clarify Littleroom - I have really enjoyed your posts on LS. I think you are pretty brave to keep plugging on when most BS are foaming at the mouth and looking for blood! Keep posting - it's cool to hear from WS.

 

That said, the reason why you can't get this guy out of your head is most definitley because:

 

- you are underplaying to yourself the effect that it's going to have on your partner, OR

- you think you are never going to get caught.

 

Both are wrong, so think carefully with your eyes open. You sound like a nice person so wise up to what's going on

 

Thank you for that Sylvia. I guess I post on here because it has helped me refocus on what I need to do. I hope everyone understands that in no way did I really think things would get to this point. I never expected to have feelings for anyone else other than my spouse. It also has challenged the very things that I believe in. What I struggle with now is being completely staurated in feelings and emotions that I never thought I'd have to deal with in my life. I am not happy with a label like, "WS". It sucks! But I also know that I have to own up to what I have done and continue to do! Going "deep" with someone who is not my spouse is wrong. Pure and simple. The hardest part now is turning around and starting my trek up the huge mountain that I created. You cannot shut feelings off and I think some people here have sort of given me that type of advice but in not so many words. Close him out of my life... not a possibilty to do that over night. I tell myself everyday, "I'll be stronger tomorrow." And some days I land on my ass again. And some days I actually do good. Like I've been saying, "baby steps."

 

I am reading a book by Thomas Moore right now called, "Soul Mates" and it explores ones connection, love and relationship to others as well as things like places and time. It is VERY interesting how the soul works and how we struggle to find our true connection.

 

Again, thank you all for your kindness in hearing me out.

 

--- littleroom

[Chump64]

Littleroom, I think you are confused about what you really want. In my opinion, if you really wanted to save your marriage, you would be reading books like "Not Just Friends," vs. "Soul Mates." Do you believe this man is closer to being a soul mate vs. your husband? If so, why don't you entertain the thought of leaving your husband for this man?

 

It's not black and white. It's not easy to cut things off. It's probably not easy to hear rigid advice from the likes of me. Have you talked to a counselor about this? To me, you don't sound 100 percent certain that you want to work things out with your husband. You sound like you are 100 percent torn about what it is, exactly, that you want. Like someone else said on another thread (or maybe it was this one -- it's late) -- you don't want to be 70 YO and look back on things with regret. Neither do I, which is why I am fighting to save my tainted marriage. In some ways, we are in similar boats, trying to find the right path and taking the one we think makes sense. I just think you need some professional help to find your path. I think you would be wise to do that before you start having PA, a family, or before your affair partner moves on. Which he's gonna do, sooner or later.

 

The worst thing you can do is to string your spouse along. I know you aren't doing this intentionally. Neither was my husband. I just wish that I'd had some say in the matter. It is so incredibly violating and hurtful, from a BS point of view. You owe it to him to sort out what it is that you want, and then to let him know. That's black and white advice, yes, I know. But that's the least you can give to him, in this situation.

 

Don't be afraid to choose the afffair partner, if that's what you need to do. But please, don't mislead your spouse if it's not him that you want. That is just plain cruel.

 

As a BS, I can say that I would much rather be alone than to be with a man who deeply loves / pines for another woman. He claims that is not the case, but if I knew otherwise, I would be gone.

[littleroom]

Littleroom, I think you are confused about what you really want. In my opinion, if you really wanted to save your marriage, you would be reading books like "Not Just Friends," vs. "Soul Mates." Do you believe this man is closer to being a soul mate vs. your husband? If so, why don't you entertain the thought of leaving your husband for this man?

 

I don't want to sit here and explain this book, but I am not reading it to determine whether or not this man is my soul mate or my spouse is. In my head, I actually believe that it is possible to have multiple "soul mates" in your life. I have not entertained the idea of leaving my spouse for this man. See, what I think you don't understand because you are a BS is that I am trying to sort out why I have found myself so deeply connected with someone else other than my spouse when my marriage has been doing well. We are happy. And I am not trying to fullfill something that isn't there. My sex life with my spouse is good etc. This OM is just a different person than my spouse and I am realizing that that is why I was attracted to him. He is more of a brutally honest individual. So I don't really see it as trying to fill a void.

 

--- littleroom

[lovernotafighter]

littleroom

I can totally relate to what you are going through..but I didn't climb out fast enough..I think you are starting the good fight and it isn't easy.

but all I can tell you is you can't shut off your feelings over night this is true..but if you went the other way it gets worse..I'm living proof of that.

 

my situation started a while ago and I'm still asking myself the same questions you are right now,the thing which helped at all was going NC on MM and quit thinking of the why's and started proceeding forward with which direction I want to move in..the thinking was putting me in a deep depressing rut.

 

Chump - never judge a person by what they read..if you were to look at my library it would send most people screaming.

[Chump64]

Sorry, I didn’t mean to judge you based on the book alone.

 

All I’m saying is that I’m not getting the impression you really want to end the EA relationship. I’m getting the impression that you aren’t sure what you want.

 

I think my husband could probably relate to your confusion about being in a satisfying marriage yet connecting with someone else. He managed to compartmentalize and to pull off both, with some pretty good mastery and for a long time. (I obviously don't recommend that though. ) I think that could potentially happen to almost any married human being. That’s where the choice thing comes in. I don’t say that to be smug, honestly, though I know it sounds smug.

 

For what it’s worth, I don’t believe in the single soul mate theory at all.

[littleroom]

Sorry, I didn’t mean to judge you based on the book alone.

 

All I’m saying is that I’m not getting the impression you really want to end the EA relationship. I’m getting the impression that you aren’t sure what you want.

 

I think my husband could probably relate to your confusion about being in a satisfying marriage yet connecting with someone else. He managed to compartmentalize and to pull off both, with some pretty good mastery and for a long time. (I obviously don't recommend that though. ) I think that could potentially happen to almost any married human being. That’s where the choice thing comes in. I don’t say that to be smug, honestly, though I know it sounds smug.

 

For what it’s worth, I don’t believe in the single soul mate theory at all.

 

I appreciate that Chump. I didn't think you were judging me per se... I just wanted you to know that while I am going through this time in my life I am trying to sort through all the questions in my head. Hence the reason I picked up the book. There has to be some psychological reason why I bonded with this person.

 

This may sound awful, but the fact of the matter is that this OM has sincerely been a true friend for me for a very long time. He's been there for me AS A FRIEND and I have been there for him. It wasn't until just a few months ago that things began to flip to being deeper than they should be.

 

my situation started a while ago and I'm still asking myself the same questions you are right now,the thing which helped at all was going NC on MM and quit thinking of the why's and started proceeding forward with which direction I want to move in..the thinking was putting me in a deep depressing rut.

 

The scary thing... (and this goes for Chump's comment too about being confused on my choices) is that I know that I have to do this NC thing and for me its complicated because I literally work with this person where contact is inevitable. But as I try to pull away in small ways I feel that depressing rut coming on. This OM is very important person to me BECAUSE we had a solid foundation as friends for so long. We went on denying our feelings forever and then now they have sufaced and its been explosive ever since. Anyway, I am just giving that detail to shed a bit more light on my situation.

 

Thanks again for the support...

 

--- littleroom

[Bryanp]

I have a hunch if your husband found out all about this and said he is through sharing you with another man, you would do hula hoops trying to win him back and profess your undying love for him. Your husband sounds like a laid back guy who adores you and apparently sets no boundaries with you. Again if the roles were reversed, what would you be feeling and how would you be reacting?

 

I just want to say that I have known husbands like yours. They may not show all of their emotions and hurt but everyone has a breaking point. Look in the mirror and ask yourself are you willing to risk everything? Again how would you feel if your husband had an emotional soulmate with another woman. It really sounds like you are a cake-eater who professes wanting to end this with the OM but not really because he is such a good friend. I think you stand to end up being one of those people who didn't know what you had until you lost it through your disrespecting behavior. Some people just have to learn the hard way. It is your choice if you will pay the price down the line. Open your eyes today or your heart will be broken tomorrow.

[silktricks]

This may sound awful, but the fact of the matter is that this OM has sincerely been a true friend for me for a very long time. He's been there for me AS A FRIEND and I have been there for him. It wasn't until just a few months ago that things began to flip to being deeper than they should be.

 

I don't know how old you are, and therefore don't know what you consider to be a "very long time". But this is one of the reasons that it is often not safe for a marriage to have deep friendships with people of the opposite sex other than your spouse.

 

My H had what he thought was a "friendship" with a woman, too. What he didn't understand until much later was that it was never her intent to be just friends. Though it doesn't sound like your OM necessarily started your friendship with ulterior motives, friendship often escalates into other feelings.

[carolineislands]

Because you don't want to.