dorothys Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 How can I take back control? Here is my story. I am 35yrs old and soon to be divorced from my second husband. Our marriage was brief, and I consider myself lucky to be out of it. My STBX was controlling, and somewhere along the way I lost myself. I want to take back control of my life, but I don’t know how to start. We live only a few blocks from each other, and see each other almost every day. He and I share custody of our daughter. I agreed to this because I believe it is the best for our child. There in lies my problem. My STBX wants more than a friendship; he wants us to be best buddies. He has even suggested that we go out sometimes together as a couple. Did I mention he is the one that filed for divorce? I want to set boundaries and take back control of my life, without seeming angry or bitter. Has anybody been in this situation and can offer suggestions?
Gunny376 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Marriage ~ while being much more ~ is quin-essentially a contract between two people. As such, when said contract becomes null and void ~ each party becomes independent of the second part ~ and regains thier independent asserts ~ aka their lives. So,..............with that said you're just going to have to let the STBXH know that "over" means over. When a couple splits up ~ you hear people talking about "starting over" or "getting over my ex!" You know why they say that? Because its "over", "done" "finsished" end of the line. Dead upon arrival ~ only thing left is to get a mop, a bucket, and a preacher. (to clean up the the mess and say the last rites) So, unless you want a mess on your hands ~ I would keep the parenting structure in tack ~ keep your personal business to yourself ~ and tell your daughter that not only do you not want her telling her father about your personal business ~ you don't want to hear about his ~ period ~ end of conversation ~ have a nice day. Then set some bounderies ~ and if he's got a problem with that ~ that's what it is ~ his problem ~ and if he still has a problem with that ~ then give him another problem to worry about ~ the POLICE~! Same deal as when you were single ~ some guys just can't take no for an answer. Discipline must come from either within ~ (self discipline ) or from without (tha' police) ~ its his choice ~ ever how he wants to play the game. Persoinally, I would look at moving as soon as possible ~ just because I assume that you're still living in the maritial home. That being the case ~ it might be good for the psyche for you to stake out your own territory. Going out with him ~ for any reason other than to do with the daughter would be cruel ~ because you're giving him hope. Usually, its best to just make a clean break and a fresh start. You can't be but so nice to this guy ~ and anything more ~ he's going to run wild with it. And, to be honest with you ~ I'm not so sure ~ its not just more of his wanting to be ~ needing to be in control? I'd most definately would look at anything he says or does from that angel ~ because the best predictor of furture behavior is past behavior.
Love Hurts Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 For most of us.............. switching gears and emotions is not like flipping a light switch... We are more like a dimmer switch. It is a slow process. Realizing that is the first step in understanding where you are emotionally. You need time alone from your x.............. to rationallize where you were, where you are and where you want to be. Where you were is History.... that is the easiest realizational step... where you are is the problem state needing attention and direction ..... your future depends on the now... Goal setting now will direct your path ahead and into. Difficult to motivate oneself into acting upon goals set......... This comes into play if one is lethargic. Motivation to do anything can be a problem............ this too shall pass. It is part of a grieving phase or a time of reflection, rediscovering who you were before you had a ruler tell you how to and when to. Left alone with self is important........... the thought process is more free to self analyze. You need to feel functional, self is important. Once you realize you are a wonderful person and did amazing things before you were taken hostage by a control freak.......... You can regain a sense of strength as to who you are now free from the detention center you learned how to function in. Brain washing is a process, it takes control of you slowly. You usually do not notice it. Likewise, regaining the true you, is a slow process. Day by day, you will grow stronger, being more of you and less of your warden. The control freak even now wants to control you...... You can not get well................ or be more of who you are intended to be................. having him steer you. You must cut contact as much as possible..... allow yourself time to rediscover wonderful you. One day when all is well with you and your world. Only feeling strong in who you are...............You can then allow him to be your friend. Knowing you call the shots and put up the stops. You can not give him an inch............ he will take a mile and then some. Thus you will find yourself falling back into his world and under his spell. Setting boundaries,,,,Ok....... Move......... he decided it's best if you live near each other....... It is not so much for the child... It is so he can keep a rein and tabs on your life. It is what a control freak does. Control .....and you are not free from him..Big no no.. He should not be calling you every day........ You may see him every day due the fact you live so close .. walking past or drive by. At the moment that cannot be helped. You need to reconsider relocating................ space is your greatest key to success.............. This so difficult to get out of ... you may feel as though you are still married to him due to the closeness. Not much has changed........... You need great change to change. The great for you now is distance. Distance would bring you freedom......... relief......... you will look out the door and think......... ahh he is no where in sight. He is x number of miles away... I can take a walk and just know I will not bump into him. One of the most difficult relationships to recover from are those that have us bound by residential location or work to one another. So difficult, because we have no where to run. If you have the means............ moving is the most effective means of begining to heal from.... If not.......... this is a different.........situation.. You almost have to try the cacoon syndroom to heal. Which is lock yourself up inside .... walls all around........... Almost see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil. In this small world you must rediscover yourself. You can emerge from this state of being a beautiful strong female. Ready to take on bear..................... You are now a new creature................. you have shall I say it........ balls of steel.................. Now you tell him what is what................. he does not like toooo bad, get over it. Go out with your male freinds, have parties and entertain guests. Live like you could die tomorrow. He is no longer the main focus of your brain waves. You have taken back what is rightfully yours to begin with and you are living life to the fullest baby. No longer fool of. Choose life.... your own.
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