Hurting_4_Him Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Ok so I found out tonight that my husband has pretty much told everyone that I am a liar..That he wouldnt be in debt in anyway if it werent for me..I wont get off my lazy ass and get a job...I have been trying to get a job..but yes Im having problems cause its been a year and a half since I worked...He has told his friend that he wants a divorce...she has stated that she is not in love with him but they do have feelings for eachother and they have become extremely close...I have been told that he wants out and is wanting to get divorced...I just dont know what to do I want my husband back...I am in love with this man..but Im sure he no longer loves me...what do I do to change that?? We have had 7 years together I am just hoping that we can have 70 more but from the way it is sounding I have no choice but to give up that there is no way I can win him back at this point in time...it sounds like he is falling for this other woman..and I just dont know how to put a stop to it...they are making plans of being together and moving on without me in his life..this is just so devastating...PLEASE HELP tell me what I can or have to do to win him back if it isnt already too late...
Tony T Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Your marriage has major communications problems. Your husband is going around talking to everybody about his marriage...and you are coming here to talk to us (which is quite OK). However, if your marriage has any chance whatsoever of improving, the two of you have to talk about the issues and perhaps get the help of a counsellor. I don't know what city you live in but most in the United States have jobs open for those who want to work. It sounds like your making your own spending money would be a good step to keeping your marriage. Find our why your husband is telling people you are a liar. Either you have lied and you need to apologize or he is lying and he needs to apologize. We won't solve this puzzle here on these boards. You and your husband have to do some serious talking or your marriage will surely be over.
Author Hurting_4_Him Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 well there is a huge problem there..see I was an idiot and found a text message from his friend that said I love you so I ripped his shirt off of him and ended up scratching him...now I cant talk to him til the 27th of this month...also today..and I dont know why he put an order of protection against me until the 20th of this month which could last up to 2 years...
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I agree with Tony. You and your husband have to have a real heart to heart. It seems he is resenting you for not working. ALOT. And he is so wrong to be talking behind your back to friends, and most of the OW. He is being a real jerk and not living up to his marriage vows. For better and FOR WORSE. So you two are going through a rough patch. Big deal, all couples go through it at some point. He shouldn't be trying to bail on you. All I can tell you is, right now put yourself first. Work your tail off to find a job and if there are unlying reasons why you're not able to work, (health issues, depression or something) then get some help. Suggest marriage counselling and see if he'll go with you. Fight for your marriage, don't be passive and let some other woman come and take your man away from you. This man is your life, right? So do your best to work things out. Good luck and keep posting.
Trimmer Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 H4H - Do your best to get it together, and do it for both yourself and your daughter. If it comes to a custody struggle, you'd better believe that this scenario will be presented as a physical assault by you on him which necessitated a protection order. You don't want to make things any worse for you. How to win him back? It's not a contest, and he's not the prize. You won't be able to control him; trying to figure out how to do so will just make you crazy, and you certainly don't need that, so for now, let go of him, and get yourself stable and under control. What do you think of all the suggestions from your other thread about seeing a lawyer for advice, keeping a journal of his behavior (like sleeping in the same bed with the OW in the same room as your daughter...) Are you ready to start taking these steps to protect your interests? What is going on between you that is leading him to tell people you are lying? What is he saying about you specifically? Are there more important details to the dynamic between you in your marriage that you have not yet described to us?
Author Hurting_4_Him Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Trimmer... Yea I started keeping a Journal I wrote down everything that has happened for everyday in the last 2 weeks...also with the "altercation" We spoke to an attorney and he said no biggie EVERYONE has emotions and EVERYONE makes mistakes...it will not lose my child...that also came from the STATES ATTORNEY... Yeah like I said Ive made mistakes...ok like I have depression and anxiety...I havent worked in about a year and a half..but have looked every once in a while..when I do he says why??? your anxiety attacks will just come back...so i stop...my cousin sees this as him wanting to control me...if she doesnt have a job then she cant do much... He is also about to lose his house in forclosure...he says its because of my debt..what debt??? He hasnt paid my bills...the only bill in my name he paid was the cable bill and that was so he could get online and play socom or talk to his friend... I have been told that they are not in love but have feelings for one another and she is falling for him...I dont know if I should just give up..my mom has always said let go and if it comes back to you its yours..if it doesnt it was never yours to begin with...
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Have you seen a therapist about your anxiety and depression? Joined any anxiety/depression websites that specialize in forums with others who suffer the same thing as you? I ask this because I DO have an anxiety disorder, and I am seeing a therapist who specializes in CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) who helped me alot. All I can say is, my husband has been supportive, understanding (as much as he can), sympathic to how I am and been really patient. If your husband can't see that right now you're not yourself, and you're having problems - And can't be there for you - Then he's an idiot! A husband who bails on his wife because of anxiety/depression, or any other type of illness, is just wrong. I said it before I'll say it again, he's not living up to his marriage vows. I agree too, sadly you can't control what the OW feels or does - All you can do is try your best to get your husband home with you and work on the marriage. Your mom shouldn't be telling you NOT to fight for your marriage. That's not her place to tell you to give up and see what happens...He's YOUR HUSBAND! Fight hard and get him back if you want him. If not, you may lose him to another woman who will be 'waiting' in the wings for him.
Author Hurting_4_Him Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Which, Yes I actually just started counseling about a month ago...the first session I went by myself and talked about our problems..the second he went to with me and talked about our problems..the third I went by myself and talked about more of our problems...and I have to make one for this week but havent yet...my counsoler even said that he is a selfish man and very imature.. Another issue that really makes me mad is my house keeping..yes IT HORRID...but has never been brought up as an issue until the "OW" and the funny thing about it is I left on Tuesday May 23rd went to the house to see him on Monday May 29th...the house was in the same if not worse condition than I had left it..he hadnt done anything to clean it at all...so how is it an acutal issue then???? My mom and dad love me dont get me wrong..but they see my husband and a lot of others do also as an arrogant man...they say hes an a-hole...that I was happy go lucky with a wonderful personality before him...and that its because of him Im depressed...like they pointed out that he will purposely take the other side just to start arguments...I wasnt depressed until after the first affair...he gets mad cause in all honesty for a long time I have done nothing about it..but I had been on medicine and he has even stated it drugged me out..its like I was ALWAYS in my own lil world...to the point I would sit there almost drewling...my mom has even pointed out that since I moved out and away from him...my issues dont seem nearly as bad...yes I still have some..but am working on them...they point out how negative he is and how that rubbed off on me...like I said before my H I was the LIFE of the party..I wanted to be the center of attention...I would do just about ANYTHING to catch your eye and make you look my way...now Im quiet, shy and dont want to be noticed...I have no self esteem he blames that on my parents, I blame it on the affair.. I say I love him I say I want to be with him..but I can remember thinking laying in bed next to him...IS THIS LOVE?? Do I love him or am I just comfortable and scared to move on with my life..those are very hard questions to answer...if I didnt love him would the things he does hurt so much...If I truely loved him would I have walked out cause I didnt want to fight anymore and was tired of the "friendship" I can say that I do care for him and always will he is the father of my only child...but in all honesty I question myself and have for a while now...do you really love him...and at times I have told myself no and other times I have said yes...OH GOD will the CONFUSION ever go AWAY????
Love Hurts Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 If you don't WAKE UP and smell the coffee. You are going to loose alot more than your husband. The roller coaster nightmare has just begun and it is picking up momentum. Hold on to something .... it is downhill from here. Love is making you blind... foolish even. Get a movin cause he's is groovn. Yesterday is History. Tomorrow is a mystery. The present is a Gift. ... get it. Someone is telling you to prepare for a storm................... lock up the windows and bolt the doors. Get the cash out of the mattress and get a secret bank account. Get a lawyer. It's time to play a new game.
Author Hurting_4_Him Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 thanks love hurts well in all honesty I have been using a journal..writing down everything just started today but have back dated it for 2 weeks since I left...Im also going to go down and put an order of protection against him for our daughter...she doesnt need to be around him if he is going to sleep in the same bed with another woman infront of his daughter..I know they didnt do anything..but my daughter is only 6..its hard but if he wants to play hardball...Im up for it....
Trimmer Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 But remember - play hardball only to the degree necessary to protect your daughter. It will be excruciatingly hard, but don't play tit-for-tat and get into a "Battle of the Roses" here with your daughter watching from the sidelines. Hard, hard, hard, but keep being the mature adult here - again, do it for your daughter.
Author Hurting_4_Him Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Oh absolutely, like I said I know that my H loves his daughter dearly but at this point I just dont think he's making wise decisions...so best to keep her from that and the emotionally scarring he could be doing...thats like his "friend" pointed out that he loved on her all weekend and told her how much he loved her and how she was beautiful...but I swear she asked me why her daddy didnt like her and if he loved "OW" lil girl more...because he winked and smiled at "OW" lil girl all weekend...
Ladyjane14 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Oh absolutely, like I said I know that my H loves his daughter dearly but at this point I just dont think he's making wise decisions... Well, I'd definitely say that lolling around in bed with a trollop in front of your SIX YEAR OLD would qualify as 'not making wise decisions'. You ought to be absolutely indignant....maternally outraged. I'm not saying that you should act out emotionally about that.... but you can certainly harness that energy into well planned protection for your child. Take that energy and put it where it'll do the most good, right? You need to circle the wagons, hon. If your other post is accurate, this guy has been a 'man-whore' all along, and you're rending your heart in two over him? Why? Get a job. Get a lawyer. Enlist your family's help and support, and show this guy that he's NOT all that. He's like a BAD DOG. He's not going to respect you if he smells your fear. Here's a link to your other thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90217/ You might want to add Love Must Be Tough by Dobson to your booklist.
Author Hurting_4_Him Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 So this morning I thought about things alot and what all he has put me through in our marriage...I heard more crap and lies he is saying to the "OW" about me... So I called a lawyer...and I am going on Thursday to put an Order of Protection against him for me and our daughter...like I said HE isnt making wise decisions...and I REFUSE to let my daughter go through the mental strain he is putting her through...He has admitted to people that yes he is playing mind games with me to get our daughter...thats fine Im almost 30 years old I can go to counseling and bounce back from this a better and STRONGER woman...but I cant guarentee what he is putter our lil girl through that she would be able to do the same...He doesnt understand that our daughter doesnt understand...she doesnt understand why he is with "OW" and her daughter so much but is not making time for her and I...she actually asked her dad and "OW" this weekend if her and the "OW" daughter were step sisters...I asked who told her something like that she said no one mommy but daddy and "OW" and "OW" daughter are together so much I thought it made us step sisters....HOW SAD!!!!! "OW" accused me of putting something like this in my daughters head...I was OUTRAGED Im like HELLO I still want things to work out for me and my husband...so WHY would I say something like that??? Not only that but WHY as her mother would I confuse her further???? But of course they always need someone to blame what they are doing on....they need to realize IM the victim in this....NOT THEM...
zarathustra Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 So this morning I thought about things alot and what all he has put me through in our marriage...I heard more crap and lies he is saying to the "OW" about me... So I called a lawyer...and I am going on Thursday to put an Order of Protection against him for me and our daughter...like I said HE isnt making wise decisions...and I REFUSE to let my daughter go through the mental strain he is putting her through...He has admitted to people that yes he is playing mind games with me to get our daughter...thats fine Im almost 30 years old I can go to counseling and bounce back from this a better and STRONGER woman...but I cant guarentee what he is putter our lil girl through that she would be able to do the same...He doesnt understand that our daughter doesnt understand...she doesnt understand why he is with "OW" and her daughter so much but is not making time for her and I...she actually asked her dad and "OW" this weekend if her and the "OW" daughter were step sisters...I asked who told her something like that she said no one mommy but daddy and "OW" and "OW" daughter are together so much I thought it made us step sisters....HOW SAD!!!!! "OW" accused me of putting something like this in my daughters head...I was OUTRAGED Im like HELLO I still want things to work out for me and my husband...so WHY would I say something like that??? Not only that but WHY as her mother would I confuse her further???? But of course they always need someone to blame what they are doing on....they need to realize IM the victim in this....NOT THEM... the sooner you start living your life like he's not in it, the sooner he realize that he doesn't have control and power over you. Not only will that give you a renewed sense of self worth, but it will make him realize that you are not a door mat for him to walk all over and maybe he will appreciate the wonderful person you really are. Given what he's done to you, I want to commend your strength and determination to look past his lies, deception and infidelity. Remember, focus your attention on YOU. Not on how to get him back. You are worth so much more than how he's treated you and he needs to realize that HE is the one to WIN you back!!
Author Hurting_4_Him Posted June 9, 2006 Author Posted June 9, 2006 So my husband e-mailed my mom at work on Wed tellin her that he would like to get our daughter for the weekend and to pick her up at the same time he did last weekend....well my mom said no sorry we already have plans for this weekend that include sissy (thats what we call our daughter)...so she gets nothing back in response and we go on about our day... Between 7:30 and 8:00 p.m. I come inside to check our emails..Im always checking them...so I go to try and check moms and I cant get in...so I go and ask my mom if she changed her password...no she didnt...so I explain to her that I cant get in her email so Im gonna change the password on it...she says um ok...God bless my mom and dad but they arent real computer literate...so its hotmail email and I go to answer the secret question...but the only answer it could be doesnt work...so I go to ask mom what the answer to this perticular question is..she says THATS not my secret question...my secret question WAS what is the name of your favorite pet:bunny:.... know here is another funny thing about all this...on June 1 my cousin needed me to spend the night at her house cause she had someone coming over to install dish the next morning and so I stayed there...I tried to get on MY msn messenger..but I couldnt...so Im like oh heck with it Ill just use mom and dad...not thinking anything of it...so on June 2 I try to check my hotmail and cant..so I change the password on the account so I can get in...well....there was an email from June 1 that had already been looked at and it was an email requesting old yahoo id's of mine... We have notified some different people of what is going on...just to be on the safe side...but WHY would he do this??? I mean I've heard a million and one times divorce is nasty..but right now we arent even going through a divorce..no on has filed YET....I just don't get why he would get into my parents email..yes I understand that it could have been anyone doing it..but its funny that mine then my parents both were broken into within a week of eachother...dont ya all think??? Or are we just seeing it that way because of all the drama that is going on....
silktricks Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 Close both your hotmail account and your parents, and open new ones. Get a new IM account. Document when you did it, and have a witness. Have whatever PC's you use inspected for spyware - by someone who is REALLY qualified to do it. If it is your husband (or his girl friend) who have broken your accounts or your parents accounts, and IF they are trying to take your daughter away. They can send e-mail using your account(s) that can cause you a LOT of problems. Do it TODAY!!!!
Author Hurting_4_Him Posted June 9, 2006 Author Posted June 9, 2006 Ok can someone tell me how to do this...I was able to get back into my hotmail account but my parents have not been able to do so....We did call the cops and told them that someone broke into their email account...there at this point in time is nothing that they can do...but WE cant get in their account to close it...the secret question was also changed...so we have no way of getting in... Thanks, Hurting
silktricks Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 First open a new hotmail (or yahoo or whatever) account. Go to http://www.msn.com at the bottom of the screen right above the Microsoft logo is a "feedback" link. Click it. On the next page select "contact MSN support" From the list of standard services select MSN Hotmail describe the problem with the accounts and request that they be PERMANENTLY CLOSED. Use your newly created e-mail address as the "send response here" e-mail address. If you don't ask that those hijacked accounts be PERMANENTLY CLOSED, then anyone can re-open them by entering the old password. Good luck
Love Hurts Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 Baby I'm proud of you.... the life you could be saving is your own. You first.................. without you in sound mind and some sense of control...... your daughter is lost in the wind. Now you can take charge and move into the unknown packed and ready. Your daughter will be more secure ...the more prepared you are for a battle. You have it in you! Know there is a time for love and a time for war. You come equipped to handle both. It is the mere realization that it is war time................ to set you off in the right direction. You can and will win. Go for the gold...... It's all good.
Author Hurting_4_Him Posted June 9, 2006 Author Posted June 9, 2006 Thanks guys I cant even begin to express how much your support means to me!!! I will let you all know I am keeping a Journal daily and I am going to counseling by myself I have been for a bit now..but I also called my counseler today and made an appt for my daughter due to the questions she is asking about daddy and "OW" I think in all honesty that this is the best thing to due for 2 reasons...1. I will be able to get help in addressing her questions about daddy and "OW" 2. there WILL be documentation of how he is not making wise decisions when it comes to his daughter which will help me in the long run... Its hard at times cause I do still have feelings for him...BUT I will NEVER be able to trust this man again...I hear more and more lies he is telling to people about me on a daily basis...he's SO dumb!!! He talks about me up at where he works knowing that I too have family that works there..like it wont come back to me??? HELLO!!!!! So I feel it is best to pick up my shattered heart and mend it myself WITHOUT his help (ee thats something that I HAVE been seeing in the last 3 weeks THAT I DONT NEED THIS MAN I WAS WITH HIM CAUSE I WANTED HIM!!!!!) and thats exactly what I intend to do...My daughter is STILL and WILL ALWAYS be my first priority so I want to get her as much help as she can through this and after this...
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