KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Hi! Recap of my life: I fell in love with my husband's bestfriend last November. We messed around a bit, but nothing else happened since. Anywya, it's been very hard for me to forget him. (That's why I'm always here! ) This is the problem: My husband told me that his bestfriend and his wife are getting a divorce.... I don't know what to think. I am really, really torn now. I have not talked to him since he left and I have refused to meet with him (ie. by taking a trip together with my husband and him.) So he's gotten the hint... and he hasn't come to visit us since he left. I am so torn. What am I going to do?? What am I supposed to feel? I feel so guilty about my fantasies with him now because... it is unfair to him. He deserves a woman who can give herself completely to him... and I can't do that - no matter what! I have too much baggage! I guess I was hoping that I wouldn't have to make the decision (between my H and him) this soon... or maybe I'm just being delusional again! Honestly, I was trying to work out my marriage and stay married for at least another 4 years or so. --> Ok, I deserve to be flamed for that!
scarletletter Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Husband's best friend? OUCH!! That really must be terribal. Do you think that he will try to get together with you now that he is getting divorced? If you are not ready to leave your marriage, I would be very careful since you seem to have come a long way since the NC. Good luck to you...temptation will surely be there...I guess this will be a test of how strong you are?
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Do you think that he will try to get together with you now that he is getting divorced? I don't know. I think he'd leave it up to ME. He is not an initiator. He's not the type who likes to make decisions either. If left to him, he'd just wallow back and forth. In fact, from what my husband told me, it was his wife's decision to get the divorce. This is nothing new.... What is NEW, is that he not going to fight that decision this time... or so he told my H. I just feel very guilty. I hope that he doesn't have any expectations for me because I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! Help?
Tim'sAngel Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Knowhow, if your not happy w/your marriage, then way stay in it and hurt you and your hubby? I really hate to see this. Does hubby even know your not happy? Is there a reason you cheated on him or did you just get caught up in the moment? It really isn't fair to your hubby that your fiddling around w/his best friend, of all people. But, if that is who you want to be with, then why keep hubby in the dark? My uncle cheated on my aunt with her best friend and it tore her to peices, and she is still w/him. I think they stayed together for the kids, and now that the kids are out on their own, i think they are staying together because of the money. Very sad. Why not just go your separate ways so that both of you can be happy?
Touche Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I don't know, KnowHow..This guy wouldn't have left his wife on his own. And not for you either. Sounds like he has no backbone. Would you really want to be with a guy like this? Your husband sounds like a man who REALLY loves you and is willing to work on it. I think you know the right answer here, don't you?
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Look, the guy is your husband's bestfriend. Are you really considering the possibility of starting life over again with someone else? Are you sure that it's just not a major crush and sexual attraction wrapped up into one? Have you thought about the long term portion IF you were to leave your husband for him? Their friendship would be over, your husband would be a mess. Throw in the guilt of it all...How would things be between you and his bestfriend? Could you see yourself married to this guy? Day in and day out? All the good, the bad and the ugly? That's the kicker. You two get the "good" stuff, not the daily grind of life to test the relationship. So, you need to really think long and hard if you want to give up your life as you know it now for another man. Honestly, I was trying to work out my marriage and stay married for at least another 4 years or so. Can I ask? Why 4 years? If you're unhappy now and want out, then don't wait another 4 years. I highly doubt too, that the MM will be waiting for you for 4 years... If you love your husband, continue working on the marriage and stay away from his bestfriend. No more intimacy between you and him. Remember what and who you have to lose if you get caught. Or come clean now and let your husband decide if he wants to still be married to you and work on fixing things.
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Knowhow' date=' if your not happy w/your marriage, then way stay in it and hurt you and your hubby?[/quote'] We've been married 10 years. After 3 kids, it's almost a way of life for us. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel that I have to stick with this marriage till the end... or at least until the kids are old enough to not need to associate with both of us together. Does hubby even know your not happy? We are going to MC now. But for the past 10 years, my H had no idea how miserable I was! He thought that everything was fine. He thought that I was being a 'woman'... you know the PMS, the moodiness, the depression, etc. Except that I don't have PMS and my emotion is generally pretty stable. Well, the last year, my emotional health took a nose dive and I became very depressed. Is there a reason you cheated on him or did you just get caught up in the moment? It really isn't fair to your hubby that your fiddling around w/his best friend, of all people. It was really crazy when it happened. I have been on my anti-depressants for a little over 2 months... and I actually felt better. But my H was still not treating me well (ie. putting me in the backburner) ... but his friend was. Long story short, I fell in love with him. But, if that is who you want to be with, then why keep hubby in the dark? My uncle cheated on my aunt with her best friend and it tore her to peices, and she is still w/him. I think they stayed together for the kids, and now that the kids are out on their own, i think they are staying together because of the money. TA, believe me. I want to do what is right, too! It is not so easy to take your heart back once you gave it away, figuratively speaking. And honestly, I have never felt this way for anyone but him. I feel that I know him inside-out. Most of the time, he doesn't need to say anything, because I know what he wants to say. He's told me that he's liked me long before I knew it. I have been attracted to him for quite a while, but I had not done anything about it either. So you can see taht we are both trying to do the right thing here. (Yeah, I know, that sounded really conceited. ) I know what I need to do. I just need to hear it from you guys. I posted and I am ready to take the whippin'. Very sad. Why not just go your separate ways so that both of you can be happy? Believe me, I'm no martyr. I know what fun is and I am generally quite unabashed about getting it! But... the marriage vows and the kids are very important to me. What if this is all part of a fantasy that will eventually fade? What if he will change after the initial courtship... like my H, who changed drastically after our marriage? What if my kids will not forgive me? :(
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 I don't know, KnowHow..This guy wouldn't have left his wife on his own. And not for you either. Sounds like he has no backbone. Would you really want to be with a guy like this? Your husband sounds like a man who REALLY loves you and is willing to work on it. I think you know the right answer here, don't you? Well, I didn't want him to leave his wife for me either! You see, if he did, I'd feel responsible for his hapiness thereafter. I knew that his wife would divorce him sooner or later... but I'd thought it would be a few more years. You see, his wife is extremely immature and selfish. She's an only child to a wealthy family. She will inherit all their money! And I am supposed to offer something better than this for him?? I was hoping that I'd have more time to think and decide before this event. I'm telling myself that they'd work through their problems and they will reconcile... like they have in the past. Touche, why don't you beat me some senses in me with your wooden spoon again? I really, really love this guy. He and I are like one. We even look like each other!
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 But for the past 10 years, my H had no idea how miserable I was! Why didn't you tell him 10 years ago when you were uhappy then?
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Look, the guy is your husband's bestfriend. Are you really considering the possibility of starting life over again with someone else? Are you sure that it's just not a major crush and sexual attraction wrapped up into one? Have you thought about the long term portion IF you were to leave your husband for him? Their friendship would be over, your husband would be a mess. Throw in the guilt of it all...How would things be between you and his bestfriend? Could you see yourself married to this guy? Day in and day out? All the good, the bad and the ugly? That's the kicker. You two get the "good" stuff, not the daily grind of life to test the relationship. So, you need to really think long and hard if you want to give up your life as you know it now for another man. Thank you, WWIU. This is just what I need to hear again and again! I don't know for sure how life with this guy will be like. I don't know if our passion will die within a year! That's why I'm choosing to stay in my marriage. Can I ask? Why 4 years? If you're unhappy now and want out, then don't wait another 4 years. I highly doubt too, that the MM will be waiting for you for 4 years... Actually, that's just a random number. I would like to have at least another 2 years to sit this through... to make sure that he is whom I really want. I don't want to rush this. My reason being, if it's true love, then it can wait... 2 years, 4 years, 10 years... right? I'm kinda romantic like that.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 We are going to MC now. But for the past 10 years, my H had no idea how miserable I was! He thought that everything was fine. He thought that I was being a 'woman'... you know the PMS, the moodiness, the depression, etc. Except that I don't have PMS and my emotion is generally pretty stable. Well, the last year, my emotional health took a nose dive and I became very depressed. That is something I have learned about men at a very young age. You HAVE to tell them what you are feeling. They are clueless if you don't. It was really crazy when it happened. I have been on my anti-depressants for a little over 2 months... and I actually felt better. But my H was still not treating me well (ie. putting me in the backburner) ... but his friend was. Long story short, I fell in love with him. I have my doubts about you being in love. It isn't my life I know, I'm just speaking from what I'm reading you write. It sounds to me like your hubby wasn't giving you all you needed and you found it somewhere else. Very typical women. Just like men get sex in other places when the wife isn't putting out. I wouldn't call that love, more of an emotional affair. I believe that if you two left your spouses and started dating, it would be wonderful at first, then you would see that this man has faults too and you would back at square one. TA, believe me. I want to do what is right, too! It is not so easy to take your heart back once you gave it away, figuratively speaking. And honestly, I have never felt this way for anyone but him. I feel that I know him inside-out. Most of the time, he doesn't need to say anything, because I know what he wants to say. He's told me that he's liked me long before I knew it. I have been attracted to him for quite a while, but I had not done anything about it either. So you can see taht we are both trying to do the right thing here. (Yeah, I know, that sounded really conceited. ) It sounds like you both are living in a fantasy. Something similar happend to me and a FWB I was with off and on for over a yr. Finally we admitted we had feelings for each other and we both had had them all along just too stubborn to admit it before. It felt wonderful!! LIke a dream come true. Long story short, it ended in a horrible hurtful arguement. I know what I need to do. I just need to hear it from you guys. I posted and I am ready to take the whippin'. HHmm... lemme find where I put my whip, I think it fell behind the bed last night You know exactly what you need to do KNowhow... you don't need us to tell you. It is wrong on so many different levels to have an affir w/your SO's best friend. You hubby is in for a world of hurt either way. Not saying he is innocent, he should be more aware and attentive to your needs, but that is in no way an excuse to find someone else to meet them. You are both adults not children. You should be capable of handling things in a mature way. You obviously have no communication or he would be susptecting something by now. Believe me, I'm no martyr. I know what fun is and I am generally quite unabashed about getting it! But... the marriage vows and the kids are very important to me. What if this is all part of a fantasy that will eventually fade? What if he will change after the initial courtship... like my H, who changed drastically after our marriage? What if my kids will not forgive me? :( Please please hear me on this as I know alot of what I'm talking about. I hate when people think they should stay in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship because of the children. I am a child of divorce. Yes it hurt. Yes it was painful to have to choose which parent to live with. But the truth is, I wish my parents wouldn't have waited so long to separate. It hurt me to watch them hurt each other. Don't be fooded, children, no matter what age, pick up on things very easily!! They know your not happy. By the two of you staying together even when things are not ok between you are teaching your kids that this is what a relationship should be like. You are showing them it is ok to not be happy together, that they should spend there lives w/a partner who does not meet there needs. SO in the long run, you are doing them more harm than good. The begining of the divorce will be very hard. They will cry and be hurt. but after awhile of the two of you assuring them you love them and will always be there for them and make sure that you and hubby keep up a good friendship and communicate often about the needs of the children, they will be fine. Just give that some thought.
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Why didn't you tell him 10 years ago when you were uhappy then? I did! I did! I did! {Screaming}: I did tell him! But he ignores me. He doesn't want to hear about my 'bad' days. One of the things that he likes to tell his friends is, "women, can't live with them, can't live without them". Let me give you an example: If I ask him (on the phone) to please come home early today because there's something that bothers me and I need to talk to him about it. He'd say, 'ok, I'll be home asap'. Then guess what? He'll purposely stay at a friend's place all evening and wouldn't be home until 11 or midnight (whereas he'd be home by 7 or 8 pm if I didn't have this need to talk to him.) So what does that tell you about this guy? I have resolved that my H is a narcissist and will die that way. I am not going to change that. We are working on putting more effort into listening to each other. That is coming around... slowly. Anyway. I have decided to stay married. I will not act hastily toward this guy, his best friend. I will stay on my plan no matter what.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Anyway. I have decided to stay married. I will not act hastily toward this guy, his best friend. I will stay on my plan no matter what. KNow how, you are missing the whole damn point. ok ready I'm gonna cyber scream it to ya... WHY ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOUR NOT HAPPY?? IT ISN'T ABOUT LEAVING YOUR HUSBAND FOR HIS BEST FRIEND, IT IS ABOUT BEING HAPPY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!!! whew... that gave me a cyber sore throat... cough cough
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 KNow how, you are missing the whole damn point. ok ready I'm gonna cyber scream it to ya... WHY ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOUR NOT HAPPY?? IT ISN'T ABOUT LEAVING YOUR HUSBAND FOR HIS BEST FRIEND, IT IS ABOUT BEING HAPPY BECAUSE YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!!! whew... that gave me a cyber sore throat... cough cough :lmao: OK, lady. I hear ya' now. Geez.. that made me laugh so hard, I forgot what I was going to say. Gimme a sec here. Ok, these reasons enough for ya? 1. I am still on anti-depressants, and I want to make sure that this is not some crazy effects of the drug. 2. He is providing for my kids and me reasonably well. He does the bills (which I hate doing). 3. His kids are happy to see him. 4. He is making an effort to change. I have to at least give him that chance! 5. We share many assets and properties, and it is not easy to divide fairly! 6. He wants another chance. 7. I feel I'm in part responsible for the way our marriage has become. I want to see if we can change the dynamics. I never really put my foot down in regards to how my H was treating me. It wasn't until.. I turned 33. I live the first 10 years as a 23 year old girl. Then I turned 33, and became a woman. There were no intermediate stages for me.
whichwayisup Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 OK, give your marriage your best efforts. Only thing is, NO MORE MM/HIS BESTFRIEND. No more confiding in him, flirting with him, having 'talks' with him, intimate moments, NOTHING. That part of whatever it is/was, is OVER. You have to make this committment to yourself and make yourself accountable for your own actions. If you f*** up - BE hard on yourself. Make your husband and fixing the marriage to make it better your #1 priority. Forget the other guy. If things don't workout between you and your husband, then atleast you can know you gave it your best - WITHOUT THE MM in the picture. If he is still a 'friend' of yours, you won't put all your energy into your husband.
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 No more confiding in him, flirting with him, having 'talks' with him, intimate moments, NOTHING. That part of whatever it is/was, is OVER. You have to make this committment to yourself and make yourself accountable for your own actions. If you f*** up - BE hard on yourself. Yup! I agree with you. I need to hear that once in a while... because you know, your mind can sneak in some dirty thoughts, the 'what if, and, or, but'. I have absolutely no contact with this guy whatsoever. None. I don't even want to vacation with him. We've not talked to each other for the past 6 months. That's why I'm bouncing off my thoughts here with you guys instead! Like Woggle, the guy who keeps bouncing off women-bashing posts... except that he gets a lot of replies! I'm sure that helped.. even though most of his posts were just hilarious.
Guest Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 funny how you said in an earlier post that his soon-to-be ex-wife was immature and selfish, yet you are debating whether or not to put 100% effort into fixing your marriage (with three kids) for a man that you have no idea what he is willing to do for your potential relationship - just a thought - even if you end up leaving your hubby, don't you think you should give it your all and wrap all of the bad stuff up before attempting to move on - trust me, as someone that has been the other woman, they NEVER leave for you, don't assume he is as his marriage has been a wreck for a long time, just someone stepped up and said enough - they end their marriages for themselves and then life changes dramatically for them - you can't say you would be with him, you have no idea if he would want to be with you, yet you are fantasizing about having to make a choice - think about your husband and kids - make every effort you can to fix that, if it fails, then move on and know you tried - if the other guy is still there, it was meant to be, if not, you did it the healthy way. just my two cents.
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 funny how you said in an earlier post that his soon-to-be ex-wife was immature and selfish, yet you are debating whether or not to put 100% effort into fixing your marriage. I never said that I was without faults of my own. Once in a while, my mind will succumb to weakness as well... I fantasize and I plan an alternative future. But I try not to act on these fantasies. And I don't tell my husband about these fantasies. It is hard to be in the 30's for a woman, I think. When I was in my 20's, I wanted to please... that was easy to do. Now that I'm in my 30's, I want to be my own person and stop time. Nobody told me that I'd go through this kind of transition. Never did I worry about getting 'old' before I hit 30. Now, there's such an urgency in me to get as much done as possible. It is somewhat hilarious... considering what I've already accomplished - which is alot! But the passion - the romance - that I never did.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Nobody told me that I'd go through this kind of transition. Never did I worry about getting 'old' before I hit 30. Now, there's such an urgency in me to get as much done as possible. It is somewhat hilarious... considering what I've already accomplished - which is alot! But the passion - the romance - that I never did. Aww Knowhow!! ::hugs:: You are still very young, and still have alot of life ahead of you. To be honest I feel like you have the wrong approach on life. YOu have 3 children, and sounds like you've accomplished alot of things you wanted to. The rest should be you enjoying what you have instead of pining away at what you don't. If your not happy with your marriage hunny, then do something about it, whether its counseling or divorce. Sounds like your trying the counseling, so if thats the route you are going then good for you. But if your just doing this because you think its mandatory for the kids or for you reputation, then you arn't truly happy. JMO
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Aww Knowhow!! ::hugs:: You are still very young' date=' and still have alot of life ahead of you.[/quote'] I'm 33. I thought that you are about the same age?? To be honest I feel like you have the wrong approach on life. YOu have 3 children' date=' and sounds like you've accomplished alot of things you wanted to. The rest should be you enjoying what you have instead of pining away at what you don't. If your not happy with your marriage hunny, then do something about it, whether its counseling or divorce. Sounds like your trying the counseling, so if thats the route you are going then good for you. But if your just doing this because you think its mandatory for the kids or for you reputation, then you arn't truly happy. JMO[/quote'] I agree with you completely. I have 3 beautiful children and I have a handful of things to do outside of the house as well. So yeah, I can keep myself quite busy. I'm getting MC because I truly want to change the dynamics in my family. It's not changing as fast I'd like, though. Thanks TA. You are funny and intelligent. A real brunette, indeed!
Tim'sAngel Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I'm 33. I thought that you are about the same age?? I agree with you completely. I have 3 beautiful children and I have a handful of things to do outside of the house as well. So yeah, I can keep myself quite busy. I'm getting MC because I truly want to change the dynamics in my family. It's not changing as fast I'd like, though. Thanks TA. You are funny and intelligent. A real brunette, indeed! I am actually nowhere near your age and actually, I'm not a true brunette
Recommended Posts