Am I crazy? Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 i dated my ex for two years. she broke things off sayin' she loved me but wasn't in love with me. we've been broken up for about 9 months now. she's been dating a guy not long after we broke up and now he pretty much lives with her. he casually asked her to marry him and she said they've been thinking about it but she's still evaluating him. she ain't sure. i asked her to marry me about a year ago but i didn't have a ring. i just kind of casually asked her to marry me just like him. she said some time later that she didn't think i was serious bout marrying her coz I didn't have a ring. we hung out the other day and she said i have all the qualities in a guy she would want to marry. she says she loves me but her feelings aren't quite there yet. this is gonna sound crazy but i need some kinda closure. i was thinkin' bout buying her a ring and proposing to her. my thinkin is she didn't think i wuz serious before so the ring will show her i mean it. i still love her with all my heart and i want to marry her. i know wut you all are gunna say. im stupid, this is crazy and she won't say yes but how else can i prove i am serious? if she says no i can just take the ring back. i think its the only way i will be able to live without regret and have some closure. there's a 95% chance she will say no but i hafta take the chance. what do you think?
Spitkicker Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 if you truly believe you can handle the rejection, then do it.. But too be honest.. you doing this is going to lead to more heart ache and pain then anything else.
destination_unknown Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Go for it. If you are rejected it will hurt like the bejaysus but it will be a turning point for you. At least you will know. Then you can really begin to get on with your life without any regrets.
bendit Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 don't. instead ask her for coffee and tell her that she has 36 hours to decide if she wants to be with you or she is permanently OUT of the AM I CRAZY marriage sweepstakes. Don't buy her the ring. Resale value on a slightly used ring is awful. regards
GB111 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Don't you want to marry a woman who loves you as much as you love her? Sounds to me like even if she says "yes" she's going to have those second thoughts again at some point. Sounds like all the ingredients for an ugly divorce. If she wanted to marry you, believe me, you'd know. If she reluctantly (and it would be reluctantly) agreed to marry you now, she'd have second thoughts sooner or later. Move on. GB
jerbear Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I agree with Bendit on this one. At 95% it is really bad odds, it is not life or death here. I do have to say one thing. If you ask, get rejected, there is a possibility that she MAY contact you in the future for whatever, especially when a relationship does not work out for her. The love you but not in love with you is BS in my opinion. A used ring is worth less than half if you are lucky, even those $15k retail ones.
Guest Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 she loves me. i know she does. i know she is strugglin' with her feelings and she is confused. she knows that i am the ideal man for her but she feels like she may need more time to spread her wings a bit more. the guy she is with now she knows ain't good for her long term. whatever happens this ring will prove that i am serious as she's never had a man present her with a ring b4. yea i will prolly get rejected but at least i can sleep at night knowin i did all i could. i tried my best and failed. that is better 2 me than wonderin the rest of my life. i have a 30 day money back deal on the ring so if she says no i don't lose anything. the guys at the store say i am brave for doing this with no guarantee. my mom says go for it and get your peace of mind. she thinks i have a better than 50/50 chance. i dont know bout that but we will see.
jerbear Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I guess your decision has already been made. Buy the ring and use the 30 days, propose and see. Just make sure you have NO REGRETS. Does not hurt to try and yet if you do, you risk rejection. Life hurts but one has to take risks once in awhile. Let us know what happens and good luck!
Am I Crazy? Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 well i gave her the ring today. she said she would consider it. i feel better now about it than before that she is at least gunna consider it. before i though she might just flat out say no. she listened to my every word. i could tell she wuz crying when i left. my last words to her were when i breath my final breath i want to be holding your hand. wish me luck ya'll.
mr.gerbick Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I don't think that you need to prove you love her, SHE IS WITH ANOTHER GUY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, LIVING WITH HIM!!! She is contemplating marrying him!!!! She needs to prove that she loves you before you propose to her. Which consists of leaving that guy and showing that she wants a relationship with you....not just jump into marriage. It sounds like you are a competative person....this guy asked her to marry him, she is contemplating it and you have to show him out, basically. Just my opinion....
Guest Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 I don't think that you need to prove you love her, SHE IS WITH ANOTHER GUY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, LIVING WITH HIM!!! She is contemplating marrying him!!!! She needs to prove that she loves you before you propose to her. Which consists of leaving that guy and showing that she wants a relationship with you....not just jump into marriage. It sounds like you are a competative person....this guy asked her to marry him, she is contemplating it and you have to show him out, basically. Just my opinion.... she said he didnt ask her to marry him he just talks bout it. she didnt think i wuz serious when i asked the first time so at least now she knows i wasnt kidding. either way i feel ok. if she says no i did my best and can move on.
amaysngrace Posted June 10, 2006 Posted June 10, 2006 Just a word of advice...if you do buy her a ring, make sure you give it to her on 'just another day', not like her b-day or even Flag Day for that matter. This way if you have to go to court to get it back you will.
Am I crazy? Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 still no word from her ya'll. been 5 weeks. i guess im eating the cost of the ring. i know she will give it back if the answer is no. just wanna know why she hasn't said a word to me yet. i did say take as much time as you need i just didn't think she'd take this long. if tha answer is no why not tell me now?
jerbear Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 I know of one that lasted one year while she went out and decided. Those two are still married, retired, and had kids. Two of which are friends of mine. From my experience, sometimes up to 30 days but your mileage may vary. Life is a bunch of risks. Just don't do what some do like 3 months or 10% of net worth ideals. I wish you the best.
bendit Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 The woman you want to marry doesn't have the courtesy to answer you in five weeks! You haven't heard from the WOMAN YOU ASKED TO MARRY for five weeks? umm you only had a 30 day return policy on the ring. ouch. Man, you were advised by a lot of folks to give up on this one but you plowed ahead. If I were you I would really start looking at your thought processes that come up around this woman, the "one" and only woman for you. Why is it that you think of all the women on this earth, that she is the only one that can make you happy? Why the focus on the "one"? These are questions for YOU man. Forget about her. Why after all the negative signals you got, all the advice you got, did you pursue this woman and give her a ring, a woman who does not have the courtesy to contact you and at least tell you NO in five weeks? This is about you Am I Crazy? You really have to get in touch with your feelings now and figure out why you pursued this woman who was so very very unavailable and ambivelant to you. Marriage has to have almost PERFECT chemistry. Both parties must be 1000% sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, with each other. That's not an easy place to get to. She wasn't giving any signals that she was at the place. She was dating and moved in with another guy who already had asked her to marry. This woman is a confused woman who isn't strong enough to tell people NO. She can't be direct with either one of you. She needs to have Xs around to feel good and feel wanted and desired. She is wishy washy and you play right into her hands by being available on a "string". Please Please let this go, and go on an INTENSE quest to understand why you have invested so much time energy and money into a woman who is ambivalent and who is emotionally and physically unavailable to you. There are many many many healthy single women out there. Figure out why you are not out there trying to find one. regards
BrokenSpirit Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 Bendit I could have not said it better myself... You have great insight =)) AmICrazy why is your only validation coming from this 1 woman? And why are you waiting for 5 WEEKS to hear back from her? Arent you driving yourself crazy? For what? I believe in fighting for the one you love, but shes not giving you a signal that there is something there... I dont mean it harsh... But shes living with another man and wearing your engagement ring?! WOW! THATS F!up... Plain and simple... Love isnt always black and white but I think shes taking advantage of your feelings... You sound like a very sweet person, but you have to go on a quest like Bendit said... I am on that quest myself and its very very scary! But its worth the shot... For the amount of energy you are putting into gettin this woman back, try putting that energy into you and finding yourself... =))
Am I crazy? Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 hey ya'll i know what you are sayin. she ain't wearin the ring. i know she is really slow to make decisions and won't talk to other people bout her problems. she thinks to herself only. she ain't told her folks bout the ring coz i know her dad would have called me. all i wanna know is if the answer is no why wait? why not just tell me and get it over with? if the answe is maybe then why not just say she still thinkin? i know she loves me and shes confused on what to do. my friend says as long as i am away from her i cant screw up but her current guy can and she say just wait.
Devrapunzel Posted July 14, 2006 Posted July 14, 2006 my friend says as long as i am away from her i cant screw up but her current guy can and she say just wait. O.K. so your plan is to wait until the other guy screws up so that she will run back to you? If this is true, you are really selling yourself short here. So, let's say he does screw up and she runs to you. In essence, you are then "second choice", "backburner", "plan B", etc. Is that the kind of footing to start a marriage on? Think about it. Can you seriously be in a relationship comfortably (without insecurities) with that kind of start?
Am I crazy? Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 O.K. so your plan is to wait until the other guy screws up so that she will run back to you? If this is true, you are really selling yourself short here. So, let's say he does screw up and she runs to you. In essence, you are then "second choice", "backburner", "plan B", etc. Is that the kind of footing to start a marriage on? Think about it. Can you seriously be in a relationship comfortably (without insecurities) with that kind of start? naw im not waiting for him to screw up. she needs to figure out who is better. if it takes him screwin up for her to come to me that aint right. i think a few more weeks then im gonna ask her what the deal is. i dont want to be second fiddle.
Guest Posted July 15, 2006 Posted July 15, 2006 I hate to be harsh... But you already are... i accept that. can u tell me why she hasn't answered me yet? if she knows she don't wanna marry me then why not tell me? what she waiting for? if tha answer is no there aint no reason to wait.
LaraV Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 i accept that. can u tell me why she hasn't answered me yet? if she knows she don't wanna marry me then why not tell me? what she waiting for? if tha answer is no there aint no reason to wait. Because she's human. I believe people are not necessarily "bad" or "evil" or anything like that. We hurt others because we're human. Sometimes we hit the bar and sometimes the bar hits us. Does she care for you? Most likely, and that's probably why she can't straight tell you no - because she's afraid to hurt you - NOT because she loves you and knows that you're the one for her. IF that were the case, she would have said YES on the spot. And even assuming, for argument's sake, that she just doesn't know if she loves you or not, if she'd like to marry you or not, WHY would you want to be the object of somebody else's ambivalence? I realize that there is courage in not letting pride get in the way of opportunity - however small - I admire the courage it took you to make yourself so vulnerable. That is what loving is about. But it's been five weeks! Why, WHY would you want to be with someone who's not even sure if you're important to her or not? It's just not worth it. I know deep down you already know this. And I know that it's hard to really internalize it, but at least think about it. There's just no reason to hurt this much.
Am I crazy? Posted July 17, 2006 Posted July 17, 2006 Because she's human. I believe people are not necessarily "bad" or "evil" or anything like that. We hurt others because we're human. Sometimes we hit the bar and sometimes the bar hits us. Does she care for you? Most likely, and that's probably why she can't straight tell you no - because she's afraid to hurt you - NOT because she loves you and knows that you're the one for her. IF that were the case, she would have said YES on the spot. And even assuming, for argument's sake, that she just doesn't know if she loves you or not, if she'd like to marry you or not, WHY would you want to be the object of somebody else's ambivalence? I realize that there is courage in not letting pride get in the way of opportunity - however small - I admire the courage it took you to make yourself so vulnerable. That is what loving is about. But it's been five weeks! Why, WHY would you want to be with someone who's not even sure if you're important to her or not? It's just not worth it. I know deep down you already know this. And I know that it's hard to really internalize it, but at least think about it. There's just no reason to hurt this much. i figure i have nuthin to lose. i didn't propose the right way the first time. she said didn't think i was serious 'bout marryin her because i didnt propose with a ring. i thought about it and didn't want no regrets so i searched my feelings and figured since i still love her might as well do it the right way. i will be ok if she says no coz at least then i will know i did every thing i could. i dont know wut she is thinkin. she ain't sure the guy she is with is the right guy. that much i know. no, i dont want to be second best but to be honest i did drop a bomb on her. i am giving her time because my timing sucked. if she is really thinkin' 'bout it then im cool with waiting. if the answe is no then i just want to know so'z i can move on.
Guest Posted July 18, 2006 Posted July 18, 2006 should i email her and ask her if she's thinkin' bout it our should i just let it go and wait. i'm thinking if i ask it will come off as pressuring her ya'know? i pressured her too much in the past if it means anythin.
Rhythm28 Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Dude I've been in your position. I gave her ass 30 days to figure out what she wanted (me or him). She went back to him and ya know what? GOOD! Here's my point though, I could have bought her a ring, made promises, showed her a big house, etc., etc. and she still was gonna say "I don't know". My guess is she won't know until the day she dies. These broads are all the same. They're goofy in the head but that's not your problem. Right now you're also screwey in the head. You need your boys to rally around you, take you to the strip club or night club and get your ass laid. You didn't need a ring. What you needed to do was "man up" and say "I'm outta here." Not all pissy or whiny. All it cost me was a plane ticket to New York, rental car fees, a few drinks and dinners. You're finding out now just like I found out. When you gave her that ring you essentially told her, "I'll be right here waiting FOREVER." NO man, wrong.....I hate to sound harsh but I know you're much stronger than this. 5 weeks is an awful long time and I highly doubt she'll wake up someday and say, "OK I'm gonna marry plan B." Sorry. I'm living through it and I don't like seeing people make the same mistakes. Trust me, there's LOTS of other freaks n' hoez out there. You're gonna find out alot of women are just bad for you. There's good ones out there but have fun for now. Oh yeah, my ex's best friend "casually" mentioned to a buddy of mine that the ex is single and all alone in Florida. OK, good luck. I ain't gettin' on no plane to save her ass. I still care but I care about #1 right now. ME!
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