Guest Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 k, so i'm new to this site... i guess i just wanted some perspectives on LDR's and how to handle the insecurities that can come with them. I've been dating this guy for about 7 months now and things have been going extremely well. We were acquaintances back at university and then started talking about abt 7 months ago. He had feelings for me back then, and I sort of did too, so things between us escalated fast and we're in a committed relationship. from the beginning he used to always be the one to call and come visit me (we're 6 hours away) so he comes about every other weekend. In relationships i tend to have difficulty being the one to initiate contact until i'm very comfortable with them.. and i had completely gotten to that point by about a couple months ago, and things had been going pretty smoothly. my problem is that i used to think i was a pretty rational girl in relationships, however lately i'm feeling the real difficulties of the distance, and turning into one of the chicks that i couldn't relate to before! over-analyzing, and expecting way too much. Lately, i am completely sensitive to the different tones on the phone, or email. He is the type to really put in the effort for me, and really wants this to work... so i should be understandable when he has a bad day and isn't s talkative or when our conversations are as engaging. this obviously happens both ways, and he is so mature and understanding that obviously in a relationships things aren't always perfect. But i'm finding the regular relationship stuff WAY too hard b/c its LD. If his tone is different, i become so "off" in my tone as well and don't even know how to keep things somewhat normal, and then i start over-analyzing, and become completely sensitive, and then it frustrates me SO much that i can't just see him. I completely trust him, so i don't doubt him at all, it's just that i don't know how to deal with the lull's in the relationship, and not turn sensitive and over-analytical, i start to need more attention even though i think our contact is completely enough. Normally i'm not the type of person who needs my man to be in my face 24/7. this might sound like me ranting lol - but basically i was wondering how anyone else in an LDR finds the "lull's" or the different tones, i can't figure out how to explain it - but how do you deal with the regular relationship mini differences, and how do you keep things going steadily, without over-analyzing and being sensitive?!? any tips/advice? we are in contact for a bit while we are at work by text or email, and then speak almost every night on the phone - that's a lot isn't it?!
Outcast Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 You absolutely cannot allow fear to control you. If you two are in contact several times a day, what more could you possibly want? You have to use logic against yourself when you are tempted to freak out. If you have to, write a letter or make a poster to put on your wall with all the reasons you should trust him on it. REFUSE to allow fear to make a fool out of you.
luvvedupnyc Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 relax.... i now realise that i asked a LOT of my boyf.... now i tend to sit back.... and he knows where i am... i know its not the most ideal but with such a time difference... it seems to work... lucky i loose temper and he tells me to relax.... who knows how far it will go....
Guest Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 You absolutely cannot allow fear to control you. If you two are in contact several times a day, what more could you possibly want? You have to use logic against yourself when you are tempted to freak out. If you have to, write a letter or make a poster to put on your wall with all the reasons you should trust him on it. REFUSE to allow fear to make a fool out of you. thanks for the replies!.. the thing is... i can't seem to relax, and not let my mind go nutso and basically like you said, outcast, let the fear control me! it's the little things that in a normal relationship would not be a big deal, seem to frustrate me SO much in this relationship. i want him in my life so much, but every time we have a little phase where our tones seem off.. i think to myself "i can't do this.. it's too much, i need someone who is here" but at the same time, i really want to make this work. what makes it hard for me is that he's not a very emotional guy, which i guess lots of guys aren't, but i feel like when things are not so great with us, he can function equally well knowing it'll go back to normal.. but for me, i need him to be there more emotionally for me... more of the stupid "i miss you" attention, and without that, despite knowing he loves me, i start to think it's fading or i just start to think that i won't be able to handle the distance.
Outcast Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Nobody forces you to think 'I can't handle this'. You can just as easily think 'I can handle this'. So do it. If you have to, put sheets of paper up on the wall with 'I can handle anything' around the house. Practice positive self-talk. I promise you that as long as you tell yourself 'I can't' or 'It's impossible' you won't or it will be impossible. You can try the elastic band method someone else mentioned the other day. Every time you think something negative and start freaking out, snap yourself with the rubber band and make yourself think of positive things instead. You are giving your power away and portraying yourself to yourself as weak and helpless. You are not.
luvvedupnyc Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Woo.. see you guys are in my boat... (have a seat).... I panic and literally break down every few weeks.. as its JUST TOO HARD.... my friends think I am nuts but they dont realise its the not being with him that makes me sad... not him in general... It more the unknown.... if in your heart you trust him... then let it play out....
Guest Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Woo.. see you guys are in my boat... (have a seat).... I panic and literally break down every few weeks.. as its JUST TOO HARD.... my friends think I am nuts but they dont realise its the not being with him that makes me sad... not him in general... It more the unknown.... if in your heart you trust him... then let it play out.... LOL panic and break down every few weeks?!? that's the story of me and this relationship the last couple of months.. haha.. i did it tonight, even though, outcast, i tried the elastic band idea you suggested, which was great! but i still freaked out on him tonight.. it's so unfair, and i don't want to be that emotionally dependant chick.. but no matter how hard i try that unreasonable psycho chick just appears?! lol he is fine with less contact than i need, and i don't want to have to ask him for more, because i don't want it to feel un-natural. but i finally decided that i needed to talk to him about it, b/c to me i have feel like we've been distant for a little while now... but he says..to him, everything has seemed the same... which frustrates me even more. i dont know how to get what i need out of the relationship w/o trying to make him compromise himself...
ronnieromance Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Date guys closer to you. Internet dating sites like webdate are great for meeting people in your area. Or across the pond. -R-
Love Hurts Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Your Radar is suspicious and sending you a warning ... enough so to type it out ... yet alone ponder it daily. Listen to your gut................ something is not right. If it is not right at this time........... How would you like it if you dropped all of your goals in life to be a stay at home mom for him... Maid .... to him..... and sex toy while he does his thing? Ummm yummy is that what you were created for? Not..................... if he is not putting in his best for you now. Later is worse than the now. Move on while you have no strings attatched..as as some sanity left.
norajane Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 what makes it hard for me is that he's not a very emotional guy, which i guess lots of guys aren't, but i feel like when things are not so great with us, he can function equally well knowing it'll go back to normal.. but for me, i need him to be there more emotionally for me... more of the stupid "i miss you" attention, and without that, despite knowing he loves me, i start to think it's fading or i just start to think that i won't be able to handle the distance. Guys who seem unemotional actually do feel emotion...they just don't express them openly for others to see. That could be why you're not 'feeling the love' over the miles, but when you are phsyically together, you know how he feels by his behavior even if he doesn't say anything. His touches, holding hands, kissing, driving 6 hours every couple weeks to see you..all of that gives you the reassurance you aren't getting on the phone. It's your insecurities that are making you nuts. You know he loves you, so relax into that knowledge, let it settle in, believe it. Try to re-train your thoughts when you start thinking negatively, and focus on what you have...a guy who's paying a lot of attention to you - lots of poeple who live in the same town don't talk three times a day.
kbah Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 My best girl friend is in a very similar situation to yours. If you actually reread what your original post you may find yourself blaming some of your insecurities on the fact that the relationship is long distance. This is obvious to me in your comments about him "being there" when you feel your tones are off, etc. Although there is no doubt the dynamic of a relationship changes when it is long distance, insecurities still originate from within the person. While a long distance relationship does not offer as much physical security, the emotional security should still be there anyways. I would like to guess that even if the relationship was not long distance, you would probably find something else to feel insecure about even if your boyfriend was able to be with you every moment. There is nothing to feel ashamed about feeling insecure and nothing wrong with admitting an insecurity either. We are human and all can feel this way by nature. I suggest you look within yourself (not your boyfriend or the relationship) to FIND this security. Feeling secure with yourself and who you truly are can be the most fulfilling, secure and satisfying relationship you may ever find. If you cannot fulfill yourself, no person or relationship (no matter how ideal, secure, great, etc. it may seem) will ever truly satisfy you. Just my opinion and hope this helped!
luvvedupnyc Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 I am the same... I have just written a HUGE email explaining why he cant be silent when we are ldr... it will either end it or kick him back into action... I'm banking on the "its over" though.
luvvedupnyc Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 LOL panic and break down every few weeks?!? that's the story of me and this relationship the last couple of months.. haha.. i did it tonight, even though, outcast, i tried the elastic band idea you suggested, which was great! but i still freaked out on him tonight.. it's so unfair, and i don't want to be that emotionally dependant chick.. but no matter how hard i try that unreasonable psycho chick just appears?! lol he is fine with less contact than i need, and i don't want to have to ask him for more, because i don't want it to feel un-natural. but i finally decided that i needed to talk to him about it, b/c to me i have feel like we've been distant for a little while now... but he says..to him, everything has seemed the same... which frustrates me even more. i dont know how to get what i need out of the relationship w/o trying to make him compromise himself... Sorry I just saw this.... I KNOW EXACTLY.... I want his attention and due to time difference.. I'm going to bed when he hasnt even finished work.... its hard and he hasnt been online in almost a week cos he's "so busy" sooo... i've emailed him laying the law... i broke my heart writing it but I dont think I can sit here and wait for him to go ok now where were we when we last spoke! I love him but just cant live away from him I'm going to be back in ny next month and now if we end it and I have to meet him to get my things... i know i can guarantee... i will want him all over... its a viscous circle.
YellowLioness Posted June 9, 2006 Posted June 9, 2006 First off, I'd like to say that LDRs aren't for every one, though they do have their good and bad points. Bad points- it's hard to emote over IM or e-mail, or even over the phone. - It's easy to confused, or over analyze information received in these mediums - You don't get the physical contact inherent in a "normal" Relationship Good points- absence makes the heart grow fonder - you can pretty much do your own thing; no worries about freedom - you have more to talk about in a LDR The reason I posted this is because I don't think you're ready for an LDR. It seems for you, the negative points out weigh the good points. Certain personalites are not meant to handle the extreme stressors of an LDR. It doesn't make you a bad person; in fact, most people I know won't consider having an LDR. If I were you, I'd break this relationship off while you still have the possibility of friendship with your boyfriend. I have seen these end very badly for my friends (who acted just like you do). What it boils down to is knowing your own strengths and weaknesses, and being able to have the strength to end things, rather then pushing yourself to try to be something you're not. Regardless of whether you are afraid of being "One of those girls," is a mute point. The reality is that you are one of those girls. I am not judging, I myself had to come to the same conclusion I just wrote about in regards to long distance. I don't like who I become when I date someone who lives far away from me. It made me paranoid, b*tchy, and emotionally out of control. Plus, I felt very trapped. Hope this helps! Good luck!
Guest Posted June 11, 2006 Posted June 11, 2006 Oh my God, you sound just like me!!!! It makes me glad that I'm not the only one feeling this same way ... like overanalyzing everything, his tone of voice, why he said love you instead of I love you ... every little thing. We'll have a totally fine week, and then something little happens, and I totally wig out, not to him though. I have those moments where I think, "Oh my God, I can't do this! I can absolutely not feel this way for 10 more months. I sit there and cry and miss him, and worry that we're drifting apart, and we're not as close ... all that. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean. Then I'll call my mom or a friend and just vent, and they'll reassure me that I'm worrying for nothing. Its nice to know there are people out there that know how you feel, right? Well, the suggestions I can give you are from personal experience. The fact that you realize that you shouldn't be overanalyzing every little thing shows that you have the power to put it behind you. It's tough. This is something I am struggling with every day too. I know that I get worked up over everything. I will be the one to ruin the relationships. I am trying so hard to just relax and realize that I have a great boyfriend who loves me. and I just tell myself that. I started keeping a journal, writing down good things that happen, like if he says I love you first, or if he says something serious. It's good to look back on. I posted little reminder signs in my room. That helps me if I'm feeling insecure or if he sounded different on the phone. I wrote, "He has never let you down" on my dry erase board. I made a little sign saying, "not everytime he is in a bad mood, or unhappy or grumpy, is because of you." and it helps to have those little reminders in my room. So, if I feel upset, it reassures me. Just remember to take them down before he comes to visit! If you find yourself getting upset, change your self talk to something positive. It's harder said then done. but still try! I have two friends that did the distance thing for 14 months, and now live together, they have been great to talk to. and, especially with the distance, he wouldnt be with you if he didn't truly want to be with you. The distance thing is tough, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. No one would be themselves in that place unless they truly love their partner. So, tell yourself that. HE LOVES YOU! and just try to relax and think positively. I see my boyfriend about once a month. and you know what else I did that helps? I made chain links, like you make when you are a little kid, and counting down for christmas, and I take a link off everyday. when the chain is gone, I know I will see him. It helps, as a visual reminder that the next visit is getting closer. Hope this helps! Remember, distance is no obstacle to love.
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Wow. I just found this site and this thread and I feel like an alter ego of mine must have written it. I'm in a 6.5 year relationship, the last 3.5 of it LD. As time goes on, I truly feel like my ability to deal with the distance has evaporated. To make it worse, my boyfriend is a workaholic, so he just buries himself in assignment after assignment, completely ignoring opportunities for us to see each other. I feel like I do all the heavy lifting. Not seeing each other? Makes me crazy. I mean, I work, have friends and interests, but after weeks go by without seeing him I miss him and get lonely. The horrible thing is it doesn't seem to bother him at all. My gut says if the distance NEVER bothers him (which it doesn't ever seem to) there's a reason and maybe we should break up. I've had many talks w/him, I finally got through to him that I was ready to walk if I didn't see him more (we'd easily go a month/6 weeks w/out seeing each other and if we did, it would be short amounts of time). He's made a crazy strong effort for the last 3 weeks... now, as per our pattern, it seems to be returning to "normal." I think the above comments about insecurities coming from within and not being ruled by fear are right on the money - but at some point, I'm starting to wonder if the stresses of LDRs reveal insurmountable relationship specific problems...
infinitepwnz Posted August 26, 2006 Posted August 26, 2006 Well I can give a perspective from a guys point of view. I have felt every feeling that you have. I've been dating a girl that lives around 1000 miles away from me for well over a year. When we first started dating things were great, in fact, its only kind of seemed to go down hill within the last month or so. I feel as if its my own doing for sudden change in how our relationship is doing. We met as friends at first while playing some online video games. We started talking, took things really slow, and then we seemed to really hit it off. Eventually, it grew to a strong love. During the first few months of the relationship, we always talked, involved each other in nearly every activity you can imagine that you can do while online. My situation is a little bit different, because like I said we play online video games. Recently, she has went on two trips for about 2 weeks in total. I missed her immensely, and on her first trip I probably talked to her in about 5 txt msgs for 4 days. During her next trip, which was 2 weeks after this one, she went to a beach house with some of her friends for about 8 days. We talked a lot more via txt, IM, and maybe 1 conversation on the phone that lasted 5 mins. What I cant understand is, she says she misses me, and i'm more than sure she does. If I were on vacation, I would make sure I tried to call her at least once a day, because I would miss her and would want her to know that I do by calling. I just can't understand why she wouldn't want to talk. I know shes having tons of fun with her friends, but do I not deserve some kind of contact other than a few txt/im msgs? I just cannot understand how it doesn't effect her as much as it does me. Now shes back home and I just dont feel like i'm a priority in her life as much anymore. It seems as if her friends (online and in real life) are more important now. I have no problems at all with her spending time with her friends. I am most certainly not jealous of her being with her friends( most are guys btw), but it really just seems like if her friends what her to do something, its more important than if I WANTED to do something with her. I find myself feeling lonely, unappreciated, and the feeling of being left out. I tend to worry about these feelings entirely too much, to the fact that i'm always in a bad mood. This then effects our every day relationship. Often times, it effects my sleep as well. Its troubling to me to feel like this, simply because I dont really consider myself as an SUPER emotional guy. I consider myself what many people call a manly man. We have met and spent time together in person, probably about 5 weeks in the past year. These visits have always been great just as I would expect them to be. I feel like when we're together in person, thats the real me. I just don't really think I would have these problems if we were together in the same town. Like I said the past few weeks are turning me into a person that I do not like. I do plan to move out to where she lives in December to live with her. If anyone can give any insight or opinions on my situation, please do. I understand that my essay might be hard to follow, as I've kind of just rambled on to any thoughts that i've had in the past few minutes. Thanks
Guest Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 just an update... i got some great advice from this post - from all different perspectives, and i found it very helpful... in the end, i decided to tough it out, and try to make things work. He really is worth it, and i realized what i found with him was rare, and so i decided that i'd have to be stronger b/c i really wanted it to work... things were great, we were both very happy, there were the regular little fights/misunderstandings, and we definately struggled with the distance, but overall it was great and our relationship grew stronger... lately... i've been struggling again (of course) - i had a feeling i might relapse, but i didn't realize it would be this hard. he hasn't needed as much contact lately, and i've needed more. sometimes i feel like i'm missing out on all the little things - like sweet text messages, or 5 minute phone calls in the middle of the day just to say hi, or little compliments. there isn't much passion between us when we're apart, yet its so strong when we're together which makes it so complicated. i don't doubt his feelings for me AT ALL, he always talks about a future with me.. but i feel like he doesn't put in the extra effort for the little things which i think in a LD you kind of need more than a regular relationship. I know i can't expect it to be the same when we're apart, but since i can't get the physical contact from him, i almost wish we could we could somewhat compensate for that with just our words... lol, i guess i mean more mushy talk?.. our conversations tend to be debreifings about what happened in our days, plus a few extra stories, and then a good night. i guess i'm sorta just ranting here, and i'm not saying that its all up to him, i try to direct the converstation to what i need it to be, and i've talked to him about needing some of the "little things".. but he seems to think things in our relationship is perfect, and thinks i'm being completely unreasonable and demanding when i say that i think we need more.. (maybe i am???) so whenever i try to even bring up to him that i'm struggling, and that i want us to figure something out to help, he gets frustrated, and doesn't really want to deal with it. in response to you, infinitepwnz, i've had a similar experience with the vacation thing. i went away for a week, and went out of my way to call him (which costed SO much) or email him when i could.. and he recently just went away for a long weekend, and didn't so much even call me before he left, or call me when he got in after (just went straight to bed) which really confuses me, because when i really love someone i think of them so often, and want to hear their voice, and check in, and say hi, or let them know what i'm up to.. which is what i did when i was on vacation. i never felt obligated, i called b/c i wanted to hear him, so i don't understand why it wasn't mutual... i guess i can't really offer any advice, other than maybe you guys just handle that type of situation differently, which is how i justified it to myself... i don't think it necessarily means they care less... but maybe its just not as important to them?... anyway, i don't know what to do again, its just that i often feel we're not emotionally connected.. so i feel like that emotional passion isn't there between us.. some of the responses that i got before had to do with insecurities. I am a fairly secure person i thought... but maybe the fact that i need more of the "mushy" talk, and more of the "little things" means that i am a little insecure? i don't get it... i don't doubt his feelings... i just wish that it could feel more consistent throughout the distance as it does when we're together. i think i might be being too demanding, and i feel like i might be ruining an amazing relationship just because i'm not getting enough mush YellowLioness, you mentioned that i might not be built for an LDR, and i am worried that might actually be the case. i am just to afraid to lose something amazing, because i wasn't strong enough to deal with the downs that come with the ups... :S
spinningmywheels Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 hey - i'm the "Guest" who just found this forum/thread (my post a bit upthread). See, now, if my significant other was taking long vacations without me and not making an effort to communicate at least normally (if not more than normal) that would really bother me. It would make me feel forgotten. infinitepwnz, I can totally identify w/your feelings of being lonely, unappreciated and left out - I feel like that more and more about my b/f. He excludes me from parts of his life, including those that he lives online. He's not exactly young, but seems more interested in his myspace than, say, doing what he needs to do to get a house (which is his goal, not necessarily mine, and something he says he wants with me). And to my fellow "Guest" I can also greatly identify with feeling needy, needier than your sig other. It's very frustrating, it makes you wonder what's going on - well, it makes me wonder. I'm always left wondering why he chooses work first and if there's more going on. We had a classic situation this week - he said he'd come see me this weekend (I made the 2 hr drive to see him each week for nearly a month, including a weekend watching his dog for him while he went to a bachelor party) And I held out for him all week - only to have him tell me late late last night he was spending this weekend working. I told him it was common courtesy NOT to leave someone hanging til the last second when it comes to making plans - he got upset, but I didn't care b/c i'm at the point where my time is more valuable than the way he clearly regards it. He can't seem to understand that and that hurts. I'm getting to the point where even though I love him so, so much and want a life with him, I'm wondering if I wouldn't be better off ending things.
infinitepwnz Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 I've been reading the two posts after mine and I believe I have figured something out regarding our situations. I do not believe that our significant others miss us any less than we miss them when they're away or busy. The problem is, in my case, She is rarely not in contact with me when I'M away. We have been giving our significant other so much attention, that they dont know what its like to feel lonely. One example I have, last october I went on a fishing trip for 3 days in fla, my girlfriend was really down and bummed out. Of course, I called her to make her feel better, and to let her know that I missed her and that I loved her as well. When she was on vacation on the otherhand, I defintely did not get as much attention that I gave her when I was gone, which really confuses me. I know that when she was gone on her trip, she was busy with her friends. I asked her how she dealt with the whole "missing each other thing" when she was away. She said its not as hard when she was busy, but if she ever had any down-time it started to bother her. Back on to my theory, I gaurantee all of you, if we stopped giving as much attention for just once, they would notice it. I promise you they would not like it, and they would feel the exact same way we do. Whats confusing to myself is why our SO's cannot see that we need a little more attention. Why can't "they" put for just a small effort to say " i love you" or "i'm thinking about you". I dont know about the rest of you, but hearing that would be plenty and defintely make me feel better if they were away. As much as it hurts to feel lonely and left out, I'm going to stick our to my LDR . I truly love this woman and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm going to try and not let things bother me as much. Perhaps, even come up with some sort of positive thinking to outweigh the bad. I only have 5 months until I move, I think I can overcome this.
spinningmywheels Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 infinitepwnz, if you only have 5 months til the two of you can be together regularly (and she's as excited and eager for that to happen as you are) then I definitely think you should stick it out. And I agree with you on the giving too much attention: when I get busy it's much better; and he does notice. Last week I hung out twice after work with friends (see, I work at night, the problem is he never stops working). He definitely noticed. The problem, as you say, is that it doesn't seem to have an impact on his behavior. It may just be my b/f, but I've found ever time I've tried a "see how you like it" behavior, it still doesn't stick. Nothing seems to stick to make things better, that's the problem! And I'd try to move down there (where we started, I moved away for work) but it just doesn't seem like he's ever going to put me first - ever. So why should I take that risk?
Guest Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 We have been giving our significant other so much attention, that they dont know what its like to feel lonely. for me, i think thats exactly it... i don't give him a chance to really miss me b/c i'm always available. and everytime i try to talk to him about it he becomes defensive b/c he can't relate to feeling lonely in the same way. i don't want to play games persay.. but i guess i'm going to have to in a way -just to see how he reacts to not being my first priority. he does most of the travelling to see me, and i feel like he holds that over my head as to why he shouldn't need to do any of the little things.... infinitepwnz, 5 months, isn't so bad.. i'm glad to hear that you're going to stick with it i'm glad that their is an end in sight to the distance for you guys so soon... spinningmywheels, i would have been very frustrated with the last minute plans cancel when he was supposed to come see you... is that common behavior or a one off situation? i think sometimes they just start to get so used to you being there, that they start to take advantage... i know its hard, but maybe if you stayed busy for a while.. and really let him miss you to see how he reacts? i don't know if thats the best advice, but thats what i'm going to try... my guy loves me i know, and he does try... but sometimes i feel like he doesn't put in the extra effort for me, so i feel lonely... when i'm busy he feels it too, and like in your case, he only feels it for that time, it doesn't stick either.. but i want to try to consistantly be busy for a while and see if maybe he'll be able to relate to how i feel sometimes.... i guess we're all in somewhat similar situations!
infinitepwnz Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 for me, i think thats exactly it... i don't give him a chance to really miss me b/c i'm always available. and everytime i try to talk to him about it he becomes defensive b/c he can't relate to feeling lonely in the same way. i don't want to play games persay.. but i guess i'm going to have to in a way -just to see how he reacts to not being my first priority. I've tried to talk to her about it and she gets defensive about it as well. Its really hard for me to EVEN bring it up to her, because I mean i'm a guy and all . My problem is, I dont think I can really do it. I know how it feels, so I dont want to put her through it. So, I think I would have a really hard time trying to keep myself busy without showing her some type of attention, because i'd always be thinking of her. infinitepwnz, 5 months, isn't so bad.. i'm glad to hear that you're going to stick with it i'm glad that their is an end in sight to the distance for you guys so soon... Thank you very much, I truely cannot wait until I can be with her. It does seem like we are all in the same situation here
spinningmywheels Posted August 27, 2006 Posted August 27, 2006 infinitepwnz, you hit the nail on the head when it comes to not being able to consistently limit the attention one gives to one's sig other (in the case of seeing if they understand how it feels). For me, there's two pitfalls there - he doesn't seem to notice, or if he does it doesn't seem to result in any definitive behavior change. And 2, I find that I get absolutely miserable the longer I try to go without seeing him, ya know? Around the 4 week mark, I start to just be generally unhappy and a little lonely and depressed. Around the 6 wk mark I'm wondering if he truly cares about me and am picking fights with him and miserable (not to mention lonely in the bedroom, to put it delicately). He never seems to be bothered, in any way. If he acknowledges missing me, it always seems to be a surprise. I think he'd be content with the crap visits we have (I come down late after work, since I work at night. I'll get to him around 1 a.m., he'll still be working on his laptop, and then inevitably he's got to work the next day and it winds up being less than 12 hours that we see each other). And Guest, the canceling at the last minute (always when I've waited for days to hear final word from him, always when I finally ask just for the sake of knowing, and always as if he wasn't the one to bring it up in the first place) is CLASSIC behavior for my b/f. Lately I'm really struggling b/c I really believe his actions are screaming something very different from what he says. i.e., we're supposed to go away for a week - I'm paying off some debt, so he's putting it on his credit card and I'm paying him back for my share. First of all, it took weeks on end just to get him to commit to a date for the trip (and I have to submit time off from work fairly far in advance and he knows this) and now it's been 3 months - he still hasn't called for the reservation. To me, that means he doesn't really want to go - he claims that's not true (I've asked him directly). Yet, he still hasn't made the reservations and has given me no indication of what might be preventing him from doing so. The trip was supposed to be at the end of November. I'm thinking of making my own damn plans...
Guest Posted September 12, 2006 Posted September 12, 2006 I am so feeling you girl. I have always been the rational, level headed one in a relationship. Very 'ungirl' like. But I too am also feeling the wrath of the LDR. We too started off the same way where he moved fast to announce his feelings for me, showered me with love and attention and suddenly we too were in a committed realtionship within 1 month. Then things changed. Although we had quite a bit of contact (daily calls and texts), he wasn't showering me with the same love and attention as before. He says that we are now in the 'real life' part of our relationship. We are both busy people and I really don't want to spend every waking moment on the phone, but when his tone is off or he isn't telling me he loves me, i overreact and get very sensitive. Its soo frustrated because i know its happening, but i can't do anything to stop it. I have offically become 'that girl'. I've tried to ease off a bit and continue to support him and tell him I love him, but its real hard because he is so busy he doesn't respond as quickly or as affectionately as i want him to. BUt he is open and honest with me, always tries to make time for me. He's coming down in a couple of days and I can't wait to see him. but a part of me just feels deprived and i don't want to give in to him when its convenient for him. Am I just being silly?
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