dontbfooled Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I think I am falling out-of-love with my MM... it's a combination of all the fights/jealousy that I have had to endure over the years and all of the posts I have read for the past few weeks on this forum... This stuff really does resonate in one's mind and it's really helped me to not really "like" im that much any more... (Background - A for ~4 years, in love, best friends, soulmates, blah blah) But I think I am really starting to wise-up. I never thought I would come to this point with him (since, like many of you, I was soooo in love and soooo happy with him) But, now it's starting to not look so good. It's starting to make me angry that I stayed 100% loyal and committed to a freaking married man for 4 years! What the HELL... After a certain point, you just get so disgusted with the way someone else treats you, that you can't seem to forget it anymore. I used to be good at forgiving and forgetting. Now I just can't seem to forget. And quite frankly, i don't want to forget. It's just not good enough anymore. Anyway, I think I am starting to fall out-of-love with him. Any of you feel the same way yet?
movinon05 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Oh yes, yes, yes!!! You come to a point where you wonder why you put up with all the stuff you put up with, when if you were married with that person and had to deal with that, you would not want to be married anymore. It doesn't necessarily change just because they would be with you!! As time goes by, you see that you are wasting your life away. Our time on this earth is precious. And the last thing you want to do is look back and say WTF was I thinking? What have I done? You realize you want to be happy. And when you start doing other things besides keeping yourself from the outside world, you start to enjoy yourself. And then you realize, that there really is a good possibility that you can get through this. And then sometimes you meet a guy, who treats you much better than your MM ever did because he is focused on you only. If you're out of it!! Stay out and keep on your path!! If you're not, take my word for it. It is worth it to move on and find happiness for yourself, no matter how hard it is! Remember that bad stuff. Make a list of the pros and cons. As I've said before, I had 5 pros and 31 cons. That should be enough to convince you there is no future with this MM who fills your mind with crap!
lizad Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I don't know if I am at that point........I am still a little bit in the anger stage.....but that keeps me on the path of NC. Of course, I know this is the best thing and do NOT want to continue the A any longer. I know 100% that I never wanted to leave my marriage for him and have known for a long time that I would never want him as my husband or for that matter so glad he is not the father to my children as he is is no good on either count. so what did I see in him you ask......lol who knows.......the attention, feeling good but for only short periods at a time b/c during the two year A.......there were so many more lows with him than highs but those highs were so damn good. I am now focusing all the good stuff on my husband who is the one that really deserves it........we did have our issues, married 20 years........but I now know that the grass is defint. not greener on the other side.........working through my issues with a therapist really has helped me see this and I guess unfort. sometimes we need to go through all that to finally see what is right in front of us......
Guest Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I'm there with you! I sent MM an email telling him not to contact me last week. He read part of it and then called me. I sent him another email and asked him to read the entire thing. He did and still called me. I asked him if he didn't get the message and he said he did, but he didn't want to disappear without hearing me say NC. I asked if he was doing fine without seeing me regularly. He returned to his home city the middle of April and we have seen each other once since then. He said he missed being able to see me, but he was doing what he had to do. I then said I guess you are fine and he said it didn't matter if he was or not. He was being evasive and I am tired of not hearing the truth, whatever it may be. I then said don't contact me again until you can figure out whether you need me in your life. MM said obviously I wouldn't keep calling you if I didn't need you. He also wanted to know why we couldn't just have conversations like we used to, without me always beating him up. I guess the point I am getting to is that I am tired of not having any of my needs met. He wants me to just be happy he calls, when he can. This relationship is no longer satisfying to me, especially since he is making absolutely no effort to see me. We ended the phone call with him saying he would miss me. I need encouragement to go and continue dating. I just started again recently and he is encouraging me to find someone and see him on the side. I don't want to be the OW anymore. I and everyone on here deserves so much more. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for opening my eyes to the truth or rather the lies of MM. It appears that all of the them, with a few exceptions, have the same stories and methods to keep us hanging on. I only hope I can remain strong and move on to the next phase of life, without MM. Thanks again!!!
movinon05 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Guest, are you dontbefooled, or someone else?? lol! What does this guy think you are, a whore? See someone else and see him on the side!!!!!!! WTF? That just proves that's all he's in it for!! Never mind that maybe you might want to have someone love you and only you! He's back in the dark ages, using women for one purpose and another to give him a family and take care of him!! What a prick!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember that when you start weakening!! Ugh!
Jessie61 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I think I am falling out-of-love with my MM... it's a combination of all the fights/jealousy that I have had to endure over the years and all of the posts I have read for the past few weeks on this forum... This stuff really does resonate in one's mind and it's really helped me to not really "like" im that much any more... (Background - A for ~4 years, in love, best friends, soulmates, blah blah) But I think I am really starting to wise-up. I never thought I would come to this point with him (since, like many of you, I was soooo in love and soooo happy with him) But, now it's starting to not look so good. It's starting to make me angry that I stayed 100% loyal and committed to a freaking married man for 4 years! What the HELL... After a certain point, you just get so disgusted with the way someone else treats you, that you can't seem to forget it anymore. I used to be good at forgiving and forgetting. Now I just can't seem to forget. And quite frankly, i don't want to forget. It's just not good enough anymore. Anyway, I think I am starting to fall out-of-love with him. Any of you feel the same way yet? Dontbfooled, There was a big discussion recently about "success stories" and if you don't mind me saying so, THIS is a huge success story! I am so glad for you that you have "seen the light"! Use this revelation to move away now! You are right, we DO put up with an awful lot of c**p because we're in love and he is so wonderful blah blah blah.... Like yourself I am an expert at the forgiving and forgetting but I am really coming to the end of my patience. I am not talking about fury or anger, just the realisation that if it doesn't happen this time, then it will never happen and that there is no point throwing more valuable time into it. I have always maintained that I deserve better than being the eternal OW... So, dontbfooled, concentrate on these feelings, don't listen to any distractions from MM (if any) and move on to better and greater things! Well done! :bunny:
Jessie61 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Guest, are you dontbefooled, or someone else?? lol! What does this guy think you are, a whore? See someone else and see him on the side!!!!!!! WTF? That just proves that's all he's in it for!! Never mind that maybe you might want to have someone love you and only you! He's back in the dark ages, using women for one purpose and another to give him a family and take care of him!! What a prick!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember that when you start weakening!! Ugh! Amen to that!
Author dontbfooled Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Nope, the "Guest" post was not me. But I am happy for her for moving on! I guess I just got fed up with all of his ridiculous jealousy and his accusations of infidelity (like he is one to talk!!!!) and all of his questions about who I was with, what did we do, etc. He doesn't even trust me when I go have drinks and dinner with a girl friend. He thinks we are out flirting, hooking up, God knows what else. It makes me sick that he is so insecure and insanely jealous -- it's VERY unattractive and it's making me fall out of love. I think one day, I will just feel kinda sorry for him. How sad. He is a good man (nimus the infidelity), and I do love him. But... (and I never thought I would) I think I'm just falling out of love and I think that is indirectly what I have been praying for to happen.
Jessie61 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 He is a good man (nimus the infidelity), and I do love him. But... (and I never thought I would) I think I'm just falling out of love and I think that is indirectly what I have been praying for to happen. Dontbefooled, I am so glad for the update.... Hang on to the thought that I have highlighted. Hang on to it for dear life and you will be fine....
movinon05 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Nope, the "Guest" post was not me. But I am happy for her for moving on! I guess I just got fed up with all of his ridiculous jealousy and his accusations of infidelity (like he is one to talk!!!!) and all of his questions about who I was with, what did we do, etc. He doesn't even trust me when I go have drinks and dinner with a girl friend. He thinks we are out flirting, hooking up, God knows what else. It makes me sick that he is so insecure and insanely jealous -- it's VERY unattractive and it's making me fall out of love. I think one day, I will just feel kinda sorry for him. How sad. He is a good man (nimus the infidelity), and I do love him. But... (and I never thought I would) I think I'm just falling out of love and I think that is indirectly what I have been praying for to happen. Oh, our MMs must be clones!! His jealousy was just as insane. Only he wouldn't even "let" me go out with girlfriends. He got soooooo mad and accused me of looking for someone else. And I "allowed" him to demand that of me and stayed home, wallowing in my misery. It gets me sick just to think of it. He wanted me to be available just "in case" he was able to get away! When I talked to him about the jealousy, he would tell me that he wouldn't be like that once we were married. He bought me a ring and insisted I wear it on my left ring finger to keep men away and to show others that I was taken. I was truly a kept woman. His jealousy and temper is one of the very big factors that helped me to start pulling away from him. I was not myself anymore and its not something I am used to. I enjoy talking to people and don't go fishing for other men when I'm out. I was totally committed to him. I don't think it would have changed much if we were married. We were out once and got into a discussion about college. When he found out that I had two boyfriends in college, he then became incensed that I "might" have slept with TWO men in college. He then started saying, "How many men have you slept with?" And went on from there in a tirade. I told him he was being absolutely ridiculous and left the bar. He chased me out of a bar screaming at me and we had a big fight in the parking lot. I left and he was chasing me in his car, but lost me. And kept calling me cell trying to get me to stop and meet so we could discuss this. He was absolutely insane!!! Dealing with jealousy like that is very confining, very stressful. You feel like you can't do anything right and you become afraid to talk to people. Jealousy is a poison, it is toxic. And it will continue to push him away from you.
Jessie61 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Oh, our MMs must be clones!! His jealousy was just as insane. Only he wouldn't even "let" me go out with girlfriends. He got soooooo mad and accused me of looking for someone else. And I "allowed" him to demand that of me and stayed home, wallowing in my misery. It gets me sick just to think of it. He wanted me to be available just "in case" he was able to get away! When I talked to him about the jealousy, he would tell me that he wouldn't be like that once we were married. He bought me a ring and insisted I wear it on my left ring finger to keep men away and to show others that I was taken. I was truly a kept woman. His jealousy and temper is one of the very big factors that helped me to start pulling away from him. I was not myself anymore and its not something I am used to. I enjoy talking to people and don't go fishing for other men when I'm out. I was totally committed to him. I don't think it would have changed much if we were married. We were out once and got into a discussion about college. When he found out that I had two boyfriends in college, he then became incensed that I "might" have slept with TWO men in college. He then started saying, "How many men have you slept with?" And went on from there in a tirade. I told him he was being absolutely ridiculous and left the bar. He chased me out of a bar screaming at me and we had a big fight in the parking lot. I left and he was chasing me in his car, but lost me. And kept calling me cell trying to get me to stop and meet so we could discuss this. He was absolutely insane!!! Dealing with jealousy like that is very confining, very stressful. You feel like you can't do anything right and you become afraid to talk to people. Jealousy is a poison, it is toxic. And it will continue to push him away from you. MO, Oh my God! This is awful!!!! But you are right. Jealousy is poison. My first boyfriend was probably a narcissist and definitively insanely jealous. I was not even allowed to talk to my male cousins!!! He really messed with my head for years afterwards! We are all better out of it than having to put up with that rubbish!
Walking away Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I, too, am falling out of love with my MM. For me, it was inevitable....without healthy nurturing and mutual goals, I lose my patience and drive to fight for a relationship. I never wanted someone who didn't want me as much as I wanted him. And, actions speak louder than words. Being with someone who is okay spending his life without me for the sake of whatever is just not good enough for me. His loss.
zarathustra Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I, too, am falling out of love with my MM. For me, it was inevitable....without healthy nurturing and mutual goals, I lose my patience and drive to fight for a relationship. I never wanted someone who didn't want me as much as I wanted him. And, actions speak louder than words. Being with someone who is okay spending his life without me for the sake of whatever is just not good enough for me. His loss. You are so right and WA, I have never heard better news than that you are falling out of love with your MM. I am falling out of love with mine too. I'm seeing how he picks on certain people in meetings and I can't look up to that. Its mean to humiliate people like that. I was talking to a new colleague and giggling away and when xMM asked the new people on our teams to introduce themselves, he wasn't particularly nice to the man I was speaking with. I don't like that at all. Wonder what he would do if he knew one of our male colleagues and I go to lunch every other week?
Walking away Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Thanks guys. I have this incredible gift of healing myself quickly. I think it is partly because of my self respect and indignity in regards to him wooing me into a relationship without telling me he was married...and being very honest that he wasn't leaving for years. Why seek me out then if that were true? Because he wanted me and he said he couldn't just let me walk out of his life once he met me. Well, that wasn't his call to make. I had a right to make an informed decision on dating a MM, and he took that choice away from me. That selfishness on his part goes a long way in healing me. I am just indignant when I think about it. Pride, dignity, self respect. These are the things that catapulted me into this space where I am comfortable without him. And that is a good space for me to be in.
Author dontbfooled Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Movin' on... I can totally relate to what you went through with the ridiculous and insane jealousy. I could write about 100 different times when it led to fighting, drama, you name it. One time we were in a bar and he suddenly turned to me and said "What, do you KNOW him or something?!?!" I said "What the hell? Who???" "The guy you keep looking at!!!!!!" Now, I swear to you, I was not even looking at ANYBODY, much less some guy who he finally pointed out who was sitting all the way across the bar. I had never even glanced my head that way once. From that point on, I just stared down at my drink or just at my MM. What a F-ing joke, and I put up with that this long!!!! Other times he would bring up ex-boyfriends from the past and ask if I was still talking to them. He would sometimes believe me when I'd say no and other times say that I was lying. I was not lying, I was telling the truth. He has gone throgh my cell phone, checking incoming and outgoing calls, AND text messages, ask who so-and-so was, etc. One time a collegue of mine sent me an innocent text message saying that our group at work was out at dinner and I should join them if I was not busy (since it was my boss, and other collegues in my group) He saw that an accused me of messing around and left me (at the bar/restaurant we were at) while I cried and called him 100 times to tell him to stop driving and where he went. I could go on forever!!!!! I too was not "allowed" to go out with friends... girls!!! If I did, he would not speak to me for a day or so afterwards as "punishment" I can only imagine... and when he did, he would make me tell him in detail EVERY detail of the 4 hour evening, where we went, what we ate, who we saw, etc. And between every sentence he'd ask, and so you didn't meet up with any guys? you didn't go to anyone's house? you never got in anyone's car?!?! On and on and on. And at the END of that interrogation, he would say "I think you're lying!!!!!" He is a pathalogical liar so he thinks everyone else lies to. He also does not trust anyone apparently.. who knows. My point is that he is SO jealous and SO insecure that is has become UNATTRACTIVE. A tiny bit of jealousy is GOOD in any relationship since it means they care... but this type of jealousy is annoying, frustrating, disgusting, and ENOUGH TO MAKE THE OTHER PERSON FALL OUT OF LOOOOOVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
movinon05 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Gee, I have to say yours is a tad worse than mine was!! Yikes! I saw exMM just now. For the first time in 1 1/2 years. He didn't see me. I didn't shake this time. I just kept driving. And tried to assess my feelings at seeing him after all this time. All I can say is my first feelings were nothing, then hurt, and now sad. And I'm trying to pull myself up out of the sadness. This is why I don't know how you girls do it. Seeing him as often as some of you do. This is why I know it is so important for me to move away, but I still have 4 more years. And the weird thing is I feel like this is an omen. The summer is coming. His kids will be gone. Well... at least I'm prepared this time.
zarathustra Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Gee, I have to say yours is a tad worse than mine was!! Yikes! I saw exMM just now. For the first time in 1 1/2 years. He didn't see me. I didn't shake this time. I just kept driving. And tried to assess my feelings at seeing him after all this time. All I can say is my first feelings were nothing, then hurt, and now sad. And I'm trying to pull myself up out of the sadness. This is why I don't know how you girls do it. Seeing him as often as some of you do. This is why I know it is so important for me to move away, but I still have 4 more years. And the weird thing is I feel like this is an omen. The summer is coming. His kids will be gone. Well... at least I'm prepared this time. See, for me, while its hard to see my xMM each day, i think that its not bad in some ways. In the beginning, its like picking at a scab and the wound doesn't heal, but now, as I heal, its almost like working so hard that you get callouses and the parts where you have them you don't feel as much sensation. I think if I bumped into him on the street after I'm done here, it won't be as bad. But I don't really know that... do I. Luckily for me, my xMM and I don't frequent the same neck of the woods, so to speak. He's a boonies kind a guy and I'm really cosmo. So I don't think we'll bump into each other. Besides, his W thinks that where I live is attrociously expensive (she ragged on xMM spending too much living in a less affluent neighbourhood with me) so they would never move close to where I live. MO, focus on the good things that are going on. Seeing your xMM is not an omen. Its a reminder for you to move on and live happily so that you have strength to tell him to f-off when he tries to pull his s*** again. Love ya!
movinon05 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 Well I know I will come around. I just wasn't expecting this. I would almost rather have a face to face with him should he decide to try again. The funny thing is, I was thinking about it this morning, and I thought, I will be soooooo angry with him should he try to come to me now when it is more convenient for him. That thought just makes me stronger and it would take nothing for me to tell him how selfish he has been, to think its okay to come back now. I don't know. I just keep trying to prepare myself for every scenario, only because of his recent gifts. Those completely threw me. But now I have that under my belt. It was all much easier not seeing him. And the only way I was able to heal faster was by not seeing him or his W or daughter. I will continue moving on. This won't stop me. Just a momentary lull. Thanks and Love you too.
Meaplus3 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 I think I am falling out-of-love with my MM... it's a combination of all the fights/jealousy that I have had to endure over the years and all of the posts I have read for the past few weeks on this forum... This stuff really does resonate in one's mind and it's really helped me to not really "like" im that much any more... (Background - A for ~4 years, in love, best friends, soulmates, blah blah) But I think I am really starting to wise-up. I never thought I would come to this point with him (since, like many of you, I was soooo in love and soooo happy with him) But, now it's starting to not look so good. It's starting to make me angry that I stayed 100% loyal and committed to a freaking married man for 4 years! What the HELL... After a certain point, you just get so disgusted with the way someone else treats you, that you can't seem to forget it anymore. I used to be good at forgiving and forgetting. Now I just can't seem to forget. And quite frankly, i don't want to forget. It's just not good enough anymore. Anyway, I think I am starting to fall out-of-love with him. Any of you feel the same way yet? My affair has just come to and end after knowing this MM for many year's and getting involved in a e/a and slight physical affair since Dec. I can relate to the feeling's of anger. An Affair does drain your mind. All the sneaking around to see each other, to email and talk, it can be so exhausting. I am very angry right now with the MM I have been invloved in. I can see just how easy it would be to fall out of love for him, and in my case I guess that would not be a bad thing since it look's like he does not feel the same way as I do. Another point of anger for me is the fact that I do feel very guilty about all of this. I get so mad at myself for allowing myself to feel this way when I am a MW with a husband who has always been completely honest with me, yet I have this secret hanging over our marriage. I am not ready to tell my husband yet, but think I should one day. Sorry to babble on here. I wish you all the best with your situation.
zarathustra Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 My affair has just come to and end after knowing this MM for many year's and getting involved in a e/a and slight physical affair since Dec. I can relate to the feeling's of anger. An Affair does drain your mind. All the sneaking around to see each other, to email and talk, it can be so exhausting. I am very angry right now with the MM I have been invloved in. I can see just how easy it would be to fall out of love for him, and in my case I guess that would not be a bad thing since it look's like he does not feel the same way as I do. Another point of anger for me is the fact that I do feel very guilty about all of this. I get so mad at myself for allowing myself to feel this way when I am a MW with a husband who has always been completely honest with me, yet I have this secret hanging over our marriage. I am not ready to tell my husband yet, but think I should one day. Sorry to babble on here. I wish you all the best with your situation. AP, I can hear your pain and understand how you feel. Hugs to you!!
movinon05 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 AP37, Aside from everything else, it doesn't seem wise to tell your H when MM lives right next door!!! Yikes! What a mess! You know someone will have to move then!! Do you all talk over the fence and such or socialize?
Jessie61 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Well I know I will come around. I just wasn't expecting this. I would almost rather have a face to face with him should he decide to try again. The funny thing is, I was thinking about it this morning, and I thought, I will be soooooo angry with him should he try to come to me now when it is more convenient for him. That thought just makes me stronger and it would take nothing for me to tell him how selfish he has been, to think its okay to come back now. I don't know. I just keep trying to prepare myself for every scenario, only because of his recent gifts. Those completely threw me. But now I have that under my belt. It was all much easier not seeing him. And the only way I was able to heal faster was by not seeing him or his W or daughter. I will continue moving on. This won't stop me. Just a momentary lull. Thanks and Love you too. MO, I missed everything again last night.... I REALLY have to move across "the pond" to be in the right freaking time zone... Anyway, my heart really goes out to you. It also pains me to see that you are still hurting (albeit less) after 18 months. It is one thing if you have a chance to prepare for that "freak encounter", but when it happens suddenly and unexpectedly... I remember being in town during one of the longer periods of NC about a year ago. Suddenly MM drove past. I could not see him clearly because of the rain on the car windows but I recognised the car and him. A second later he was gone. He never saw me. For a few moments I did not have the strength even to stand up. Had to sit down. Everything came back to overwhelm me... MO, I think you are doing really well. You have not gone to pieces of this. You are still strong and you are moving on. Allow yourself to feel sad etc, but remind yourself that it IS just a momentary lull, not a permanent state of affairs. I am actually quite proud of you!!!
movinon05 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 Thanks Jess, Yes, the pain is far far less. And not nearly as deep. It WAS a momentary lull. And everyday is a new feeling of how I will deal with him should the time come. It will all depend on what mood I happen to be in that day!! lol! I should have my list of cons on me at all times so I can just hand them over to him, let them speak for me, and then walk away!! So if/when June is up and you move back across the pond, will you be anywhere near New Jersey??
Jessie61 Posted June 8, 2006 Posted June 8, 2006 So if/when June is up and you move back across the pond, will you be anywhere near New Jersey?? New Jersey? Well it sounds far enough away from home? So I should be safe there??? YES, why not!!!! :bunny:
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