Brendahurt Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 After 12 years of living together and having two beautiful children my man decides to have an affair, I found out Easter sunday after I caught him on the phone with her. I found out so many things like the fact that this other woman is married with kids. It's now been almost two months of trying to move on, yes I forgave him and yes he promised it was over between them. But this weekend I found out he really loves her and he doesn't have enough love for me anymore to stop seeing her. I am so hurt and devastated. He's suppose to move out today and I will wait until I know he is gone because even knowing all that I know I bet you I will still try to stop him. I spoke with him today and in anger I told him I was going straight to the woman's husband to tell him all. I quess my question is " Should I tell this man everything I know, and ruin her life just like mine has been ruined?"
murasaki Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 My advice is to say nothing. Yes, it's the high road, and in general for your long-term well-being you want to stick to the high road, but more importantly you really don't know how this is going to play out. Throwing yourself into this mess more than you already are may have unpleasant results that you cannot anticipate. Believe me, I understand how you'd like to make this other woman hurt as much as you can (and it still wouldn't be enough). I won't tell you that your wish for revenge is misdirected (although you should consider that the person who has *really* betrayed you and hurt you is your soon-to-be-ex). But chances are that her husband is going to find out very soon (if he doesn't know already). You have no idea what he is like. You have no idea what he might do as a result of getting the news. You don't know that you would be breaking the news to him, or doing anything other than making yourself look vindictive. Not saying you don't have a right to feel vindictive, but you don't want to put yourself in a position where you could be blamed for something. When people are feeling guilty -- as your STBEx surely is -- they are only too happy to be able to deflect blame onto someone else. It's in your best interest to keep the blame squarely on his shoulders. Get him out of the house. Gather your friends and family around you. Prepare to be strategic in dealing with the practical matters of the split (custody, material possessions, etc.). Although your emotions right now are probably overwhelming, what will count for you six months from now (and yes, you'll get there somehow!) is how you handle the practical matters you're facing now. And carrying yourself with dignity. Your STBEx and his lover don't have dignity, and the high road isn't an option for them. Don't forfeit it for yourself just because you want to get even. I'm sorry for the pain you're in right now. It will pass, and sooner if you don't prolong the drama and confusion. Finally, really, is this woman worth any effort from you? Probably not.
brendahurt Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 You are right and I feel this way too, but I guess I needed re-assurance. I just want to see her cry and hurt like I am, and my STBex, i want him to suffer too. But I know he is in pain already. Because he did have a good thing with me and the kids and that woman will never be able to give him that. Thank you so much. How wonderful that a stranger miles away can make you feel like there is hope.
murasaki Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Hi Brenda, Glad I could help. No doubt it's an awful thing that has happened to you, and it'll take time to heal. I'm not always around the site but there are lots of helpful folks here, and I'm sure you can find lots of support here. Never doubt that you need it, and that you deserve it. One of the hardest things will be getting yourself emotionally stabilized. I've had some hard break-ups myself, some of them I didn't see coming. The thing that was hardest for me to come to terms with is that while the relationship was all about experiencing things together, and sharing feelings, etc., once a relationship ends it is explicitly *not* about mutual experience and sharing feelings. It's only natural to want your STBex to feel the same things that you're feeling -- natural because that's a instinctive response when *anyone* hurts us, and also because you're accustomed to experiencing things with this man. But as long as you seek to, or wait for, or hope that he will feel a particular thing (like loss or remorse), you will be making your own healing contingent upon what he says/does/feels. You've been burned by this guy and you need to take care of yourself and your children. He has shown that he can't be trusted and that he has other priorities. I know it's going to take you a long time to sort it all out for yourself, and to heal from his betrayal. I hope that you will. And I hope that you will be able to let go of thinking about what he's feeling, because I think that's one of the key things to getting over something like this. Good luck, Brenda. And know that people are here for you.
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