alphamale Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 It's cowardice. bull-oney KC... You don't have to tell them a thousand and one reasons why they're terrible to be with but you can tell them that it's not going to work out. Look KC....most women are 100 times more perceptive & intuitive than men are. They know what we are going to say and do before we even say or do them. Most women will not be surprised when a man just splits.
jerbear Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 So long story short... I have being seeing this guy for almost two months now. Last time I spoke with him was last Monday, he called me and we talked for like an hour or so, never mentioned anything like he was never going to call again or didn't want to talk to me anymore. So I told him I had a long work week and I had left a video from the movie store that doesn't charge late charges anymore, they just charge your credit card after a certain amount of time... anyway, he went from calling or texting me everyday for the last two months to nothing for now a week. I called and texted him on Thursday to see if he returned the movie, nothing, not even a "yes returned your movie, now bugger off" what in the hell? So guys can really just decide in a day or two to not only not talk to you but after being very nice, super respectful, and attentive and sweet, (my Grandmother is dying of cancer) telling me he will be there for me whatever I need, to nothing??? My feelings are so hurt. What makes them do this? When I was under 30, disappearing is what I would do. Just stop calling, stop visiting, pretty much unilateral NC. Lost interests as in the chase. I disappeared because it would not work out. I did not know how to communicate my feelings or lack of them. I do not want to hurt her feelings so the easiests way is to just disappear. I do not do that anymore, in fact I personally show up and give the bad news. Not by email, not by phone, but in person. It is like firing an employee. Maybe I matured or got stupid with age, at least I'm doing it my way to reduce drama and provides some closure for both of us.
kitten chick Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Most women will not be surprised when a man just splits. Suprised no, disgusted yes. It's cowardly.
Brweyes31 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I've pulled the old disappearing routine a number of times and I always had a good reason. I never did it just for fun. It was to spare the other person's feelings because they would not have liked my explanation. It's never to spare the other person's feelings - because it that were true, you wouldn't disappear without saying anything. It's because you don't want to deal with the responsibility of seeing the other person get upset of what you are telling them. It's a cowardly act. Jerbear - that's good that you now do the right thing - not for them - but for yourself. I do think sometimes guys need to mature and learn how to communicate and then they can face telling someone bad news. It's not easy to tell someone something they don't want to hear - and it's hard to hurt people - but you end up hurting them worse and compromise your own integrity by simply disappearing.
Cecelius Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 There's another thread on here about how a girl who was sleeping with two different men was absolved of moral issues with failing to disclose these matters to the men in question because they had no right to rely on or otherwise believe that they were exclusive with her. I'm not sure I see in this thread where it is established that this was an exclusive relationship, or even any kind of formal relationship (I'll read back up to see if I am wrong). So far as I can tell, there is an un-responded to set of calls/emails that was only 3 days old, and that this guy is trouble or a coward because he's not quite as attentive with the emails as he used to be... I'm not sure there was a relationship to break up from, and perhaps he still is in the relationship. I'm not sure where he owed her anything
Brweyes31 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I'm not sure where he owed her anything Personally, I think we you are engaged in dating/sleeping together - you have established some kind of relationship and you owe the person honesty. That's the most we can all ask for - and the hardest to get.
Pyro Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 It's never to spare the other person's feelings - because it that were true, you wouldn't disappear without saying anything. It's because you don't want to deal with the responsibility of seeing the other person get upset of what you are telling them. It's a cowardly act. I agree with this. A real man will take responsibilities for his actions.
SoleMate Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Be grateful for getting to know them, not bitter for not keeping them. This is GREAT advice! Change your perspective and everything feels different and probably better. Also...if you insist on people behaving the way you think they should, and get angry when they don't, you'll have lots of frustration and grief in your life. If you make a conscious decision to control only what is properly within your control, i.e. your own behavior and emotions, you will find life to be easier and more pleasurable. "But...he/she should NOT have acted in this way!!!!" Fine. Read The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, and you will learn that you do not need to let your emotions be whipped around by other people's behavior.
kitten chick Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 "But...he/she should NOT have acted in this way!!!!" Fine. Read The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, and you will learn that you do not need to let your emotions be whipped around by other people's behavior. I've read this book, nowhere in this book does it negate common courtesy and decency.
Cecelius Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 What the OP regards as common courtesy and decency he may not even understand where they are in this process. My best upside spin on this? He suddenly realizes that he's calling all the time, being very available and suddenly fears that he is going to drive her away with all this nice guy crap. He responds in terror to her statement about her having a busy week and decides he has to pull back from her for a while so that he can get his unbound love under control before she dumps him. It hasn't been that long since they talked, he initiated the last substantive conversation, the next thing he got was something about making sure her video got back on time -- he's quivering in the corner with fear that if he calls back too fast, she will know he is a chump... Then he gets irritated, out of proportion to the significance of the romance, that HE'S been doing all the calling and he thinks to himself "who is she to treat me like a puppy dog that she plays with for a while and then puts away, expecting me to run back everyday just to check in. Let her do some calling..." Then he gets some advice from his buddies, who wonder whether she just wasn't pleased with his skills, and when they hear that he's been burning the phone lines up getting in contact with her, they tell him to get his balls back and "Let her do some of the calling. She's busy this week? Busy with some other dude, I bet..." So he sets some arbitrary number of days before he'll call you back, partially so he sounds less like a desparate chump and partially so he can see if you really like him. Seriously though, if he's called you quite that often, historically, and your last couple of messages were more about the movie getting returned, maybe common courtesy and decency dictate that you should let it sit a couple of days and then reach out to him.
Author scared shy Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 I would love to call again, but let me say the text message I sent him before the phone call, was light and cherry, said I had a long week, hoped he had a great day, and nothing from that. So after no return from that I called and left a message asking to return the movie. I just want to make it clear that he wasn't the only one who would call, I called as well, he maybe made more contact but it wasn't like I sitting there waiting for him to always be the one calling. Once we had sex and I explained that it's a one at a time thing, that pretty much let's him know that I am only sleeping with him, and I expected the same. He agreed whole heartedly to this. That in my opinion is enough of a relationship to say something before you just walk away w/o anything. I do not want to seem like a stalker and a wacky chick, so how long before I call again, and when he doesn't pick up do I leave a message that says, "great to know ya, thanks for making me feel cheap and pretending to be a really nice guy."
jerbear Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Call him once but if he gives lip or wishy washy; I would suggest no action, be cold and unreceptive to him. Don't give him the blank threat of "cheap and used" If he calls, ignore him, tell him off. Just not worth your time and energy, best use it somewhere else. Why stoop to his level and waste your time on him?
DazedandConfused33 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Okay so I'm a little bummed because I thought I had already replied to this but for some reason my post is not showing up. Anyway, my original response went a little something like this... I know how you are feeling SS as I have recently shared a similar experience but I think the less personal you make it the easier it will be for you to move on. I know it stings and even burns but I would chalk it up to the two of you being on two different pages and that he saved you the time and trouble of finding out how he really is. I know that in my experience when I started to feel like he was pulling away my gut reaction was to reach out and grab on tight. The next thing I wanted to do was to confront him and demand an explanation. It has taken some significant self-control on my part to not call, or text, or try and visit him as much as I have wanted to. I had even asked the guy to be upfront with me as I would do the same for him. Alas, people unfortunately are people and expectations are different for themselves and others. I say keep your head up and consider it his loss. That is what I'm trying to do but lord do I know it is easier said than done.
Author scared shy Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 So the verdict is call or don't call. I appreciate everyone's help (except Guest who was a jerk) I don't want to be mean or cold, I just want to know what is up... guys generally are not that calculating when it comes to a girl calling them/ I always thought it was the girls that put the guys through tests, not the other way around.
DazedandConfused33 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I say don't call. You already extended him an olive branch, it is his turn to reach out.
jerbear Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 So the verdict is call or don't call. I appreciate everyone's help (except Guest who was a jerk) I don't want to be mean or cold, I just want to know what is up... guys generally are not that calculating when it comes to a girl calling them/ I always thought it was the girls that put the guys through tests, not the other way around. Both girls and guys put each other thru tests. I would say call since your busy week is done. Persoanally if a guy doesn't call back after you call him; take it as disinterest and move on.
Author scared shy Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 He did tell me when we first were talking that he played games to manipulate people and when I gave that look like OMG, you do what okay I am outta here, he quickly retracted and said if someone hurts him or pisses him off. I guess I should have NOT pissed him off, however I managed to do that. I will wait until the end of the week and try one more phone call, if he doesn't answer then I will chalk it up to a lesson learned and put it in my back pocket of getting burned... and try not to let it cloud my already cynical point of view.
Author scared shy Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Oh and on another note, I did give him ways out many o times, letting him know that I am going through a really rough time with personal family stuff, but he was always so nice and telling me he would be there, I guess that's what burns me the most... he should have taken my out instead of reassuring me and then ditching w/o a word. What would that be called, a wolf in sheeps clothing??
Lishy Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 Emmmmmmm I may get jumped on for saying this but why the hell r ya gonna call him? You havnt done anything wrong! Dont be his puppet grow a backbone and dont even consider calling him! What would it achieve? If he wants you he will call you, he has already admitted to playing games with people .... Dont be his pawn, be the girl he couldn't play!
Guitar Wizard Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 When a relationship is established there are many rules and complications that come with that. One of those, is when one of the people involved in the relationship wish to end it, they have an obligation to tell the other the reason why. Preferably the Truth, and not some half-baked lie. Playing someone over is cowardice. So is ditching without a single word or action. I don’t understand what went wrong really, other then the fact that he pulled the wool over your eyes and... yeah. I feel for you, I really do, but perhaps the best thing would be to move on. Why call if he’s a prick? Why accept his call if he hasn’t bothered to call you before now? He’s obviously putting you through a lot of inner-drama that is really affecting you a lot given your current situation with your family as well. So... let him go. "There are plenty of fish in the sea"... And, I’d just like to throw this out to Alphamale... KC is right, totally is a 100% case of not having any balls. I mean, seriously "Oh Im just gonna ditch because I can’t tell her why it’s not working out." Seriously? You don’t see a shred of cowardice in that? Really? I know sometimes it’s not easy to tell a girl it’s not working out, but sometimes "You gotta do what you gotta do." It’s called Being a Man.
Author scared shy Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 Thanks Guitar Wizard! Playing someone over is cowardice. I am not a bad person and I deserve a text message at the least. I don't want to be his pawn and I don't want to play games, but I do want to let him know it hurt my feelings, and maybe as he gets older he won't do that anymore taking the other persons feelings into consideration. Especially since this guy has been seriously messed over in his past relationships, I thought he was bigger than that. Give someone an inch and they take miles. Here I am always trying to fix the world. And get closure, and feel better about myself. I probably wouldn't be so upset but given the current miserable situation I am in, it cut like a knife. As everyone can tell, I am still the idiot debating over in my own brain if I am going to call him or not.
Lishy Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I reckon you should send him a text In that text say "Thanks for your support, lose my number and go find some other sucker to play your head f*** games with you are not welcome here" I hate game playing! And then when he tries to contact you .... IGNORE HIS ARSE! Hon even if you got back with him he has done damage! Do you want a guy who is this hot and cold for no reason?
Author scared shy Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 Lishy YOU ARE TOO AWESOME! I think I will send a text like that. I doubt he calls back, but I think it gets the point across. No I don't want someone that is so hot and cold, I just want so much to be the bigger person, but I want to also let him know I am onto his head games, cause that's all it seems to be. I thought I had found a diamond in the rough, and the suckiest is, he was cool to hang out with as a friend, but after I text what I do, I think he will be offended. Hopefully I will feel better. I will keep you posted as to what I say, and how I feel. Should I do it now, or wait a few more days? I sound like such a child. I love this site though, people who don't know you always give better advice than people who want to coddle you.
vi_pn_babe25 Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 You should change his name in your phone to "don't answer" so if by any chance he does call, you will be reminded to not answer the phone, and if you do answer, you will feel like an idiot. SO...instead make him feel like the idiot by not answering the phone lol.
Lishy Posted June 7, 2006 Posted June 7, 2006 When you send that text he will at first be angry .... he will think fk you! THEN he will think about what he has done and get aggitated that you have turned the game and YOU are in control! And I would be surprised, very surprised, if you did not get a call with some sob story or other - DONT TAKE THE CALL! I dont agree with game playing but he is playing you like a fiddle so turn it babe and dont even think about him after! Just remember that you have a family member very ill and he does not give a crap! WHy should you care about HIS feelings? I dont agree with posters who say that he does not owe you anything or that it is fine for him not to call and to wait longer that is BS you are having sex with the guy! He deserves to let you know what is happening, it is called RESPECT! and if you just let him get away with this and keep calling with nice little messages he will wipe his feet on you on the way out the door! Oh No! We dont let guys do this to us do we?
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