cuckolded husband Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 What do women Mean? Wife sayes It was never anything about the sex! just the freindship.(but happen five times or more ) Just all she'll admit to. He was and is just a close friend. ? Gets very mad when told not to talk to OM. "You can't pick my friends".. ? Then tells me that she Loves me more than I love her. ? And she don't know why she did it. ? That they were young, Him 20, she 26 ??? She never enjoyed it becaused it only last for 3 sec. but he really has a big one..? It happen so long ago I can't remeber all the facts, but can remeber the littlest thing I did when we were dating ???
BUTAFLY Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 was this something that happened long ago and being addressed now?
JadeStar Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 "They were young, him 20 her 26" "It happened so long ago, I can't remember all the facts." Just trying to understand, is this something that happened along time ago? Something that happened before you all met? If so why is it being brought up now? Jade
Chump64 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 The woman is downplaying the sexual part of the affair to soothe your feelings. (Cheating men do the same thing only they downplay the emotional stuff.) Yes, you can pick her friends if she is befriending men who are a threat to your marriage. She lost a lot of privileges when she crosssed the line. The "why" thing takes a while to sort out.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Is this something that happened while you were married?? How long have you been married?? Do you have kids?? Give us some more information so we can help you.
cuckoled husband Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 You see my wife and I have been married 25 years. Around the fifth year of our marriage she cheated on me. You see she has been very hard on me about looking a other women for the hole time. Nothing at all would ask questions that were a no win no win either way. She started a new job back then and got close with a co-worked but he was younger I asked her about him several times she said that they were friends nothing else but I always had doubts and would question her from time to time. Always the same answer Just friends like my little brother I don't think of him sexuly. She has remand friends for 20 years talked to him at least 2 times a week or more. So the last five years we've started going to Church living right for God and I asked her again about him and she tells me the truth well part of the truth and that some of the questions are there are more but all I have now.
Author cuckolded husband Posted June 5, 2006 Author Posted June 5, 2006 was this something that happened long ago and being addressed now? Yes 20 years ago that was just found out about 8 months ago.
Author cuckolded husband Posted June 5, 2006 Author Posted June 5, 2006 "They were young, him 20 her 26" "It happened so long ago, I can't remember all the facts." Just trying to understand, is this something that happened along time ago? Something that happened before you all met? If so why is it being brought up now? Jade She lied to me for 20 years before coming clean. And then not telling me everything. This has been going on for 8 months we have two grown kids one of could be the OM wife says not but ???
zarathustra Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Gets very mad when told not to talk to OM. "You can't pick my friends".. ? CH, are they still friends? I was an OW and I can only speak for myself. I have used that line with my H - right when we were attempting to get back together. I think subconsciously I had hope that my xMM would come back into my life in some shape or form. Today, if my H were to say this to me, I would tell him that he is no friend of mine. He's my colleague and that I have told him many times that he can only talk to me about work related issues. More than that, I have no interest. I have given up hope of anything with my xMM. That's just me as to why. I cannot speak for anyone else. I think as the injured party in this situation, I don't think that your request is unreasonable even though to her it may be. Good luck!
LittleMiss Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 wow, that's a really tough thing to be going through right now. Both of you need to really talk to each other and you have the right to know everything especially if you might not be the father of one of your children. That's serious stuff and if anything maybe the both of your could try marriage counseling. Good luck!
Author cuckolded husband Posted June 5, 2006 Author Posted June 5, 2006 What hurts is the fact that she said that they were just friends. that they had sex once then went awhile then in a two years had sex 4 or more times she thinks, she don't think that it was more than that.??? I asked if it lasted a long time she said no. I said that it had to last more than 3 sec. and she said "whats it matter" I don't know but just want all the cards on the table. I talked to the other man and told him no contact and he agreed and was truely sorry what a crock. Wonder if he has told his wife? They were not married at the time but they have talked with each other while he has been married. I love my wife but I keep reliving the past all the time. My wife tells me that I can't live in the past but all the photo's of back in the time of all of this brings me back, or things she says and does don't help, do you ever get over it??? My youngest child just finished school should I leave her??????
Mz. Pixie Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I can understand you being upset. 20 years is a long time to be living a lie. Perhaps she was afraid to tell you- however- because you might leave her- and the kids were small etc. What prompted her confession?? I can only speak for myself- I still have limited contact with the OM that was in my life a couple of years ago. We have to stay in contact because of a reason I can't talk about here. I have zip zero nada interest in him in that way anymore. There would be NO way I'd ever go down that road again. I'm not married to the guy I was married to when I had the affair. You can drive yourself crazy with what ifs- however, you're the only one who can say whether or not this is something you can forgive. IMO, it would be better if this had been a ONS where there was no more contact. You guys need some marriage counseling. If she won't go- you need to go alone. You don't have the right to pick her friends, but she is the one who stepped over the friends line with this guy. That moves him from friend to someone she slept with while married to you- which is no friend. The fact that she won't cut off contact with him even though you're hurt says alot about the state of your relationship.
BUTAFLY Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Wife sayes It was never anything about the sex! just the freindship I think this could mean that the man wasn't someone she picked up off the street, but someone she valued and bonded with. Oppose to men... they can met an attractive women and would want to bone her. That could have been the point she was trying to make. Quote: "You can't pick my friends".. ? In this case I think it resonabe for you to request she distance herself from him. Albeit its been 20yrs and im sure your w and he have moved on and its old news to them , but this is new to you and you need time to work this through in you own head. As your partner she should respect that. Quote: Then tells me that she Loves me more than I love her. ? And she don't know why she did it. ? That they were young, Him 20, she 26 ??? I am speculating here but it sounds like when they were younger their feelings of friendship love way got misconstrued for romantic feelings, they explored (the 5x's) these feeling and probably realized in that short amount of time there are no romantic feelings. she also could of realized her love for you was much stronger than she origninally thought and ended their short trist. It seems she never wanted to hurt you and it was meaningless at the time to her and not worth bringing up in her eyes. If she has not showed signs of infidelity since then I think your in good shape with your marriage. good luck and ask her to be patient with you as you do what you need to work this out.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Gets very mad when told not to talk to OM. "You can't pick my friends".. ? A couple of suggested responses to this bulls***: "You're right, I can't pick your friends. But I can pick mine. Do you want to continue to be one of them?" "I'm not stopping you from seeing him. I'm giving you full power to choose: you get to have him in your life, or me. Not both. You have twenty-four hours to decide."
Sup Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 What hurts is the fact that she said that they were just friends. that they had sex once then went awhile then in a two years had sex 4 or more times she thinks, she don't think that it was more than that.??? I asked if it lasted a long time she said no. I said that it had to last more than 3 sec. and she said "whats it matter" I don't know but just want all the cards on the table. I talked to the other man and told him no contact and he agreed and was truely sorry what a crock. Wonder if he has told his wife? They were not married at the time but they have talked with each other while he has been married. I love my wife but I keep reliving the past all the time. My wife tells me that I can't live in the past but all the photo's of back in the time of all of this brings me back, or things she says and does don't help, do you ever get over it??? My youngest child just finished school should I leave her?????? I would. 20 YEARS of LIES?! Oh, get a DNA test on both your children.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 "Twenty years of lies".... is pretty bad, that's true. But on the flipside, if she's been faithful for all the time since her affair, that's twenty years of fidelity after the fact. Time served, as it were. Yeah, she did a bad thing. But if she's been a good wife in all the time since.... what else could she have done? It's not like she can change the past. I'm of an age with this woman, in my mid-forties. In hindsight, I don't have a whole lot left in common with the woman I was in my mid-twenties. If I 'walk a mile', I think I'd want some credit for "time served". There's a possibility that she's only going to be willing to do so-much time in the doghouse before she becomes resentful. In deference to your discomfort though.... she REALLY needs to stop talking to him. Once the line is crossed, the 'friendship' is forfeit.
Mz. Pixie Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 "I'm not stopping you from seeing him. I'm giving you full power to choose: you get to have him in your life, or me. Not both. You have twenty-four hours to decide." LOVE THIS!!!
Author cuckolded husband Posted June 6, 2006 Author Posted June 6, 2006 LOVE THIS!!! I love that also wish I could have thought of it sooner. I would like to thank everyone for your help, this is so hard I'm feeling better just to vent. I do love her but don't trust her at all, even when she has gave me no other reason to not trust her in the past few months, but she has said that she wishes that she hadn't told me because everything was going great we were so happy. The best in are 25 years. I wish she had told me back then.
sylviaguardian Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 CH, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I had to re-arrange my memories around 3 years of lying so I can imagine what it feels like to re-write a 20-year history. First of all, take a deep breath..There is no need to make any decisions or rush into anything yet. Keep reading, keep posting. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like your wife is really remorseful. There seems to be a high level of defensiveness and until you get to the bottom of things, you shouldn't be making any decisions. Here's what I think about what she said: ife sayes It was never anything about the sex! just the freindship.(but happen five times or more ) Just all she'll admit to. Men who get caught usually say it was all about sex, women usually say it was all about love/friendship. I think they say whatever sounds most palatable to their partner's ear. I think in this case, a 'secret friendship' that goes on for 20 years is something very serious (on your wife's part, anyway). All cheaters lie about how many times they did it. I would guess that she is downplaying things, knowing that you will never find out for sure. All cheaters also claim 'not to remember'. He was and is just a close friend. ? Well she had sex with him, so he plainly wasn't just a friend. What he is now is debatable, but one thing for sure is that you should not feel guilty about saying she can't see him. To keep on seeing him shows a blatant disregard for your feelings. Don't say "You can't see him", say "You keep on seeing him and leave the marriage or you choose to stay in the marriage and stop seeing him" It's a simple choice. Then tells me that she Loves me more than I love her. ? It is common for cheaters to try to offload the blame onto the partner. She is trying to justify what she did. Ask her for specific examples that back this up. And she don't know why she did it. ? Well, a lot of the time this is true. It can take a WS a long time to work out why they did it and in your wife's case, she has spent most of her life doing it so it really has been a three-legged marriage. That they were young, Him 20, she 26 ??? This is not an excuse. It might have been an excuse for a one-night stand but she slept with him and now 20 years later she is continuing to see him. That's not lack of maturity, it's lack of respect and consideration for the feelings of others. She never enjoyed it becaused it only last for 3 sec. but he really has a big one..? Well, I heard affairs are a lot of phone calls and some fast bad sex so maybe that is true. As for saying he has a 'big one' maybe that is her attempt at being honest???? It happen so long ago I can't remeber all the facts, but can remeber the littlest thing I did when we were dating ??? Unfortunately this is so common. Cheaters usually need some hard evidence to be held in front of their faces for them to be able to 'remember'. In your case, hard evidence might be difficult to get (if it's in the past) but not impossible. Assume it is ongoing and check everything. I wouldn't even advise marriage-counselling at the moment as she is still in denial and still hiding stuff. I don't think she realises what's at stake yet. I would consider telling the OM's wife. That would be a way to get information and also stop them being together. Failing that I would probably bug her phone and find out exactly what they are saying about it. Sorry that you are going through this. It's a long slog. Sylvia
BUTAFLY Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 I love that also wish I could have thought of it sooner. I would like to thank everyone for your help, this is so hard I'm feeling better just to vent. I do love her but don't trust her at all, even when she has gave me no other reason to not trust her in the past few months, but she has said that she wishes that she hadn't told me because everything was going great we were so happy. The best in are 25 years. I wish she had told me back then. Your wife loves you and tried to be honest by telling you the truth so you could continue to have a good marriage for another 25+ yrs. I believe she opened up to you because she is confident enough in your marriage, your trust and love for her that the two of you could talk about it and work it out rationally. I don't think she thought you would take it has hard as your are. Not to say your reaction in not called for. You are certainly entitled to your feelings and she certainly needs to respect them. But theres nothing I could find in your posts that makes her out to be a bad peson. I believe that you can tell what type of character a person is by the history they created. what I mean is you can tell what a peson will do tommorw by what they did yesterday. Your wife has created a happy home for you and your children. You have a good, open and loving marriage(or else she wouldn't have told you). thats the histroy she created with you. I don't see any reason it would be different tomorrow especially now the cards are on the table.
Author cuckolded husband Posted June 7, 2006 Author Posted June 7, 2006 CH, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I had to re-arrange my memories around 3 years of lying so I can imagine what it feels like to re-write a 20-year history. First of all, take a deep breath..There is no need to make any decisions or rush into anything yet. Keep reading, keep posting. From what you've said, it doesn't sound like your wife is really remorseful. There seems to be a high level of defensiveness and until you get to the bottom of things, you shouldn't be making any decisions. Here's what I think about what she said: Unfortunately this is so common. Cheaters usually need some hard evidence to be held in front of their faces for them to be able to 'remember'. In your case, hard evidence might be difficult to get (if it's in the past) but not impossible. Assume it is ongoing and check everything. I wouldn't even advise marriage-counselling at the moment as she is still in denial and still hiding stuff. I don't think she realises what's at stake yet. I would consider telling the OM's wife. That would be a way to get information and also stop them being together. Failing that I would probably bug her phone and find out exactly what they are saying about it. Sorry that you are going through this. It's a long slog. Sylvia They are not seeing each other at all they live 500 miles apart the olny time they see each other was when we were on vacation and they were never alone together they just talked on the phone but when he called her face would lite up like a beacon I just thought that they were good friends and they were but NC now.
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