Why wont she support me?

[Guest]

Hello all I'm new here. Looks like a nice place to get some feed back. Here is a little background first.

 

I have been married to my wife now for almost 9 years, we have son a that is 5. We have a pretty decent relationship with the occassional disagreements like most couples do, here it the thing, I love to do art. Like drawings, paintings etc. I have been into art my whole life. My wife knew this when we dated and got married. I'm one to hold onto my dreams, and I'm not in denial no matter what my wife might say.

 

I'm not a famous artist, nor do I claim to be. I have had some of my work displayed before at local art galleries etc. Sure I would love to be famous for my art. The thing is, it might be in the cards for me and it might not, the bottom line is its my hobby and I enjoy it. My wife doesn't support me at all in my dreams of being an artis. She tells me over and over again, that if it were going to happen for me as far as going somewhere with my art it would have already happened. She tells me its a waste of my time. This coming from a woman who has no hobbys, unless you call sitting infront of the TV watching movies, shopping etc her hobbys.

 

There is this local guy that is a very good at art. He has been featured in many magazines and local galleries, plus some out of town etc. There was recently a big write up about him in our hometown. What pisses me off is, she makes over this guy and his art. She knows nothing of him other than what she has read the magazines and newspapers say about him. She thinks his work is wonderful. Yeah he is good, but what about my art? And the fact I'm trying? She supports some guy that she doesn't know, and has even said she was going to his opening at the local art gallery. She has been to maybe 2 of mine in the past few years, and even then I felt I had to beg her to go.

 

It just hurts not have support from my wife. I'm not saying I will be famous etc, I'm just looking for a few kind words and some support. Yeah it pisses me off when she makes over this other art guy but wont support me at all. I recently read in a art magazine that this guy was featured in, where they interviewed his wife, she totally supported him in all he did. She said she was behind him 100 percent. It makes me envy him becasue I would like for my wife to be like that.We have gotten into may heated discussions on the matter, and why she wont support me. Its always the same thing, "You're not going anywhere anyway." Just slap me and get it over with, please!! I don't feel real close to her right now, I'm mean she feels I'm a big nobody. I'm tired of fighting over it, I'm tired of the lack of support from her, and feeling like shes a damper on my dream. At least I have one I guess. Hows the best way to go about telling her Im sick of her attitude and why she wont support me?

[Touche]

Well, telling her you're sick of her attitude isn't the way. That will only make her defensive. You need to sit down with her and ask her if YOU are not giving her something she needs. Tell her that since you're not getting what you want from her emotionally that maybe she's not. Ask her what she lacks from you and then LISTEN.

 

After that, you can tell in a nice way, what you would need from her. Leave the accusations out of it. Just tell her what you need. Don't tell what she's not doing.

 

See what I mean? There's a right way and a wrong way to go about getting what you need. So do it the right way.

[Guest]

Well, telling her you're sick of her attitude isn't the way. That will only make her defensive. You need to sit down with her and ask her if YOU are not giving her something she needs. Tell her that since you're not getting what you want from her emotionally that maybe she's not. Ask her what she lacks from you and then LISTEN.

 

After that, you can tell in a nice way, what you would need from her. Leave the accusations out of it. Just tell her what you need. Don't tell what she's not doing.

 

See what I mean? There's a right way and a wrong way to go about getting what you need. So do it the right way.

 

 

Thanks for your reply. The thing is, I have tried to talk to her in a very nice way about how it makes me feel. I have tried being nice,even being firm in my words thinking maybe shes listening but not really hearing what I'm saying etc. I have even asked her if there was something I was doing or not doing, that has hurt her feelings or made her mad and thats why she inturn feels she doesn't want/need to support me. She tells me I am a good husband and provider, and that I'm a good father as well. She tells me there is nothing I have done or said that has made her feel the way she does. She just always says that she doesn't think I'll go anywhere with my art. Like I said, I might and I might not. The thing is I enjoy what it is I do. I don't really care if I do make it in the art industry really, I just would like to have the one I love and care for show some kind of interest in what I enjoy. I would do the same for her, if she had a hobby or an interest but she doesn't.

 

Just 2 days ago I was doing some drawings, she comes in and says, "Why are you wasting your time drawing? I don't get your hobby at all." She said this in a hateful manner, and storms out of the door. I don't get? I didn't do anything to her. I don't feel it was a waste of time. Hell I wasn't even drawing in hopes to display it or get an award for it, I was just drawing some scenes from a park we recently took out son too. I really think part of the problem is that she doesn't have a hobby of her own. I even suggested maybe she should take up some kind of hobby herself. She got very defensive and said to me, "What you trying to say? I don't do nothing?" WTF? Sheesh I made a simple suggestion and there was nothing wrong with the way I said it. I was very kind in my words. I didn't say she didn't do anything at all, I just thought maybe she would like a hobby. She totally took it wrong.

 

Our son is in kindergarten, and shes home all day. Yes she keeps a nice looking house, cleans, cooks, does the shopping etc. I thank her and show her my appreciation for the things she does do. There could be days she could do a hobby after she feels she has done whatever she needs to do. But she chooses not too. And thats her choice, I don't bash her for it, but yet I get bashed for my hobby?

[JackJack]

Maybe she is jealous of what you do? I think its good to have a hobby keeps the mind and body occuppied. Does sound like maybe she has to much time on her hands if thats all she wants to do is down you for what you do as far as your art. You said that she has always known you to enjoy or do your art even before you all were married, has there ever been a time she supported you in this? Did she recently just stop showing support? Or has she never liked what it is you do?

[Touche]

JackJack, good questions.

 

Sounds like you've done all you can do. So the only thing left is to control YOUR reaction to this. You can choose to not let it get to you and just continue to enjoy your hobby. That IS an option you know. In a perfect world, she'd be supportive but if everything else is alright then I'd let this one go. Just ignore it. We all have to pick our battles in a marriage. Sounds like you just need to make up your mind to ignore this.

 

My attitude would be like this: Sorry you don't support me in my hobby like any good wife would..that's your choice. I love it and I'm not going to stop so you need to deal with it on your own. Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to my painting.

 

That's what I would do. That would be my atttitude. Bet she stops being so non-supportive when she sees that it's not getting to you anymore. Try it and see.

[VegasFan]

 

I have been married to my wife now for almost 9 years, we have son a that is 5.

I was going to start a thread on this topic but you beat me to it.

Anyway, I'll give you my theory. I've been married to my wife about the same amount of time as you (8 years). I also have friends who have been married roughly the same amount of time, give or take a few years. My theory is that when you get to 7 to 10 years marriage there is some kind of resentment that develops, and women seem to lose respect for their husband's opinions and interests. I have seen it in my marriage and my friends' marriages. My wife demands time to herself so she can go off and play tennis twice a week; I support this by watching the kids while she's gone. In turn I ask for time to go practice martial arts 2 or 3 times a month, and she always gives me grief about it.

I was over at a good friend's house the other night and we were talking about music. In spite of the fact that we all listen to the same type of music, my buddy's wife was downright hostile to just about every opinion he stated. It was to the point where all of us could see that she was just being contrary and belligerent because we knew she didn't believe half the stuff she was saying. My other friend who was there is a single guy and didn't understand it, but I recognized it immediately because it's the same thing I go through in my marriage.

So in summary my theory is that when couples first start dating each cares intently what the other thinks and there is respect and admiration; but after seven to ten years of marriage it almost seems like women develop an anger and disrespect towards their husbands that culminates in them disrespecting (or not supporting) anything they believe.

 

Just my two cents.

[Love Hurts]

At least you can relieve some of your tension and stress through your art.

 

She is jealous... and she is rubbing it in. A spouse can and will get that way. Two choices when one has an ability to express his or herself through other avenues. The other lacking ability.

Actually it's a childish display of behavior.

 

Beyond that... question........... how much time has your art

stollen from her?

This could be the reason of all dismay.

She may feel that your art time spent away from her quality time with you

is a great problem .. the theif of her attention and time with you.

 

I have a feeling this is where it stems from.

You may want to take time out............. Stop the art for a short period of time.

Refocus on what you two shared before you began your art.

Love needs reaffirmation.

 

Too much time away.... hurts.

Go out show her you are there.

Rather than force her to support your time away from her.

It's like she has to shake hands with the theif that took her place

and go sit in the corner.

 

See it. Take time for your wife............. love and support her.

Encourage her once again. Having driven it home...

You can resume your art eventually and make a balance of time between it and her.

 

You may find your wife will become effortlessly supportive of you ... without forcing your art... as long as she knows she has not lost you to it.

 

Good luck

[Touche]

Sorry, Vegas but that's bull! I'm approaching our 11th anniversary soon. That's just garbage. That doesn't automatically happen. The respect then, wasn't always there in my opinion.

 

These women (your wife and OP's wife) are selfish and immature. And they probably were all along...you just chose to ignore the red flags that are usually there if you REALLY look for them.

 

But I just had to jump in and say that it's NOT a given that this hapens at the 7-10 year mark as you say or at ANY mark for that matter. It's a matter of choosing the right women here guys!

[VegasFan]

Sorry, Vegas but that's bull! I'm approaching our 11th anniversary soon. That's just garbage. That doesn't automatically happen. The respect then, wasn't always there in my opinion.

 

These women (your wife and OP's wife) are selfish and immature. And they probably were all along...you just chose to ignore the red flags that are usually there if you REALLY look for them.

 

But I just had to jump in and say that it's NOT a given that this hapens at the 7-10 year mark as you say or at ANY mark for that matter. It's a matter of choosing the right women here guys!

 

At first I thought that, but I've seen it too many times in too many other marriages.

[Touche]

At first I thought that, but I've seen it too many times in too many other marriages.

 

Well then they picked immature, selfish women too. I can't IMAGINE not being supportive of my husband's hobbies. He is of mine.

[Guest]

Thanks for all the replies. Well I used to think thats what it was. I thought maybe my art was taking away for our time together as a family etc, but I don't think thats the case. I don't even do my hobby that much, just in spare time. I have backed off my hobby before, I have tried spending more quailty time with her and our son. I'm not saying this to be rude, but she acts as if she wants me up her butt 24/7. I mean all the time. Once again I think it might be becasue she doesn't have an interest in anything herself.

 

Someone asked if she was like this when we were dating. Actaully she did support me some when we got together in the beginning and after we were married. No not 100 percent but way more than now. I don't throw up my hobby in her face by complining about things as far as not making it in the art industry ect, I sit quietly and draw in my spare time, no not all my spare time, but most of the time its me that has to initate anything as far as doing something together as a family. I have suggested her to get a hobby, and she gets very angry with me and blows up. I was merly suggested something becasue I thought maybe she would enjoy doing something. She takes everything I say to heart and the wrong way. I love her greatly, and I do feel this is a fixable situation, but It would just be nice to have some input or conversation sometimes around what it is I like to do from her. I know I would do the same for her. I have even tried to include in in my art work by asking her suggestions of things to paint draw etc. I have drawn her and our son, looks great, but she just doesn't have a real interest. Maybe some think this is just petty, but it is nice when your spouse cares or shows an interest in things you like sometimes.

[JackJack]

Well then they picked immature, selfish women too. I can't IMAGINE not being supportive of my husband's hobbies. He is of mine.

 

I agree in the fact I couldn't imagine my fiance not being supportive in something I liked to do as well. I am of her and she is of me. Maybe its like he said he feels it stems from the fact she doesn't have a hobby herself, so perhaps she doesn't know what it feels like to want someone to be supportive of something shes doing. Then again if their share a child, looks like she would know what being suppportive is by him helping her with their child, spending time together etc. Maybe she is just selfish. Just my 2 cents.

[Pink_Tulip]

Just a different opinion, but you said your wife is a stay at home mom? It can be very scary to depend on someone else for your finances. Maybe she is afraid if she supports you, you will quit your job to pursue art full time? If that is the case, I can understand why she'd completely blow off your hobby in an attempt to give it up. Maybe you can make sure she knows this will stay a hobby and you will not leave your job unless you sell a piece for a million bucks or something? Just a thought.

[Kenyth]

Since getting married and having kids, I've given up a lot of hobbies and passtimes I used to enjoy. My wife doesn't dislike me having hobbies, so much as ones that are time sinks and cause me to not do the other things she wants. A home means regular yard work, landscaping, improvements, painting, decorating, etc. I had to give up amateur radio completely. The prospect of antennas, the cost of the equipment, and the sheer amount of time needed for it was just too much to make it feasable. I kept occasional beer brewing, smoking a couple cigars a week, reading books, and some light PC gaming. I took up gardening again. I gave up computer building, weight lifting, and amateur radio. This means I keep the yard looking nice, I don't spend too much money, I spend adequate time with her and the baby, and everyone is relatively happy. I'll probably take up a reasonable weight training routine again in a few years. I might do radio again when I retire. What I'm saying is that you might think a few hours a day doing art is nothing, but she may see it differently. Especially if she wants you doing more home maintenance and improvement. Marriage is like that. If you entertain your son while doing the art, you may get less grief.

 

Here's a little test. If you want to see whether a hobby is taking up too much time in your life, do it during the hours you normally sleep. In other words, start it at bedtime and get up at your normal hour. If the hobby takes up enough time to make you tired from lacking adequate sleep, it's probably stressing your marriage by taking up too much time from your family.

[Trimmer]

You know, it sounds not so much that she is simply unsupportive (neutral), but in fact there seems to be significant hostility leaking out. I wonder, like Pink_Tulip, if there is something more complex going on. Hostility is often misdirected, not really coming from the source it seems, or directed to the place it is really targeted, and it can generate from fear or uncertainty, as much as unhappiness. Really step back and take a look at the big picture here, and do it from her point of view. Could there be some other source of irritation that is provoking this kind of emotion in her, and your interest in art is just a convenient, if confusing, place for her to vent it?

 

If there is, it will probably be hard for you to figure it out. That may well be one of the irritants: the fact that you aren't attuned to it, but that's why you need to look at your overall situation with a really open mind...

[jonesgirly]

I feel a lack of respect from your wife. And let me explain why.

 

I have never been interested in my husbands hobbies (and they are random - astronomy, science, movies, pretty much everything anyone could ever wanna know), but have always respected his sense of "seperateness" that made him unique from me.

 

I would always brag to others of his 'knowledge' on subjects, and others soon began asking me to "ask him about" whatever (mostly science stuff).

 

None of his information interested me, but it interested him, and that was always good enough. I respected him as a person, whatever his particular 'quirk' was, and actually enjoyed that others could have that same respect for him. Whether or not he was right, or knew the answer to a particular question didn't matter. He knew that 'I knew' he was interested in and/or knowledgable about something. Same thing with your 'hobby'.

 

Part of what made me respect this aspect of 'him' was that he wasn't going to compromise with anyone on it, and continued his 'hobbies' with the usual interest. It didn't matter to him that "I" wasn't interested, it was something HE did for himself. And I truly believe that having your "own" interests is a very good thing. Enjoy your hobby! Enjoy your art! Enjoy your talent and zest for doing it.

 

I would expect that your wife would be bragging about your talents, and maybe even showing her friends your work, if you allowed that.

 

Really, its all about respect.

[Guest]

Just a different opinion, but you said your wife is a stay at home mom? It can be very scary to depend on someone else for your finances. Maybe she is afraid if she supports you, you will quit your job to pursue art full time? If that is the case, I can understand why she'd completely blow off your hobby in an attempt to give it up. Maybe you can make sure she knows this will stay a hobby and you will not leave your job unless you sell a piece for a million bucks or something? Just a thought.

 

 

Thanks for your reply and I understand what you're saying. However, I have asked her before if she feels that I will up and leave her if my art took off and got me some reconition etc. She tells me no. She might be truthful she might not be. I have made it clear to her, that if that were to happen I don't plan on going anywhere at all. She either believes it or she doesn't. Maybe that happens to some people where they become famous or their hobby takes them to a higher level of pay etc, but most ppl wouldn't bail on their family if that happened. I'm not even looking to be famous or anything. I have a simple hobby that doesn't require alot of my time. Once again she doesn't have a hobby herself so maybe as someone else said, she doesn't know what it feels like.

 

As another said, maybe shes wanting me to do more around the house. She has made me a "honey do" list before. I do everything on that list and then some. She keeps a nice house and takes great care of our son. We do spend quailty time together. I'm not sure what it is she wants from me. I have talked with her till I'm blue in the face. I love her greatly, and want things to work. She has never point blank asked me to give up my hobby. Personally I don't think people who are married or in a relationship should give up something they enjoy doing such as a hobby just becasue the other person doesn't like it. I'm not going to loose myself as a person/individual becasue she doesn't care for my hobby. If the shoe were on the other foot, she wouldn't give up a hobby for me. If I never spent time with her and our son, or never did things around the house, I could see her point. However my hobby doesn't even take prioty over my family or chores etc. I mainly do the art work after, chores have been done, and we have spent time together etc. I might work on my art maybe 3 times a week out of 7 days. Thats nothing compared to what others do or spend time on their hobbys. I have one main one, I know some people who have 3-4 hobbys, and it takes up right much of their time. Seems there should be some kind of middle ground, but for some reason it doesn't work out that way. I'm getting to the point where I don't even want to work on my art as much becasue she makes me feel s***ty about it when I do. Thats not right in my eyes.

[JackJack]

This is what I get from what you're saying. You DO help your wife with things that need to be done. You DO spend time with her and your son. You DO want things to work etc, and all you're asking for is her to support you in one little hobby you have. I think shes being rather selfish and disrepectful really. Do you know how many women would love for their husbands to spend time with the family, help out, take up time with them etc, she should feel lucky you are a man that does that. All I see her bitching about is this hobby of yours which says to me, she has to much time on her hands. She may stay at home and do things around the house and take care of your son who you said is in kindergarten which is great, but she should have at least a little free time to do something. If you have made suggestions to her about her getting her own hobby, and she wont then theres not much you can do. If she wants to moan and whine about it chances are she has to much idle time. If you were a man that never did anything with her or helped her, never took up time with her, as you said, then I could see where your hobby is a problem for her. However, that doesn't seem to be the case. If she wants to waste her time or life moaning about this,let her. I would do as someone else suggested and say to her, the fact you acknowledge how she feels on the matter, but maybe you need to point blank ask her WHY she feels your hobby is a problem she if she can give you an answer. Perosnally I don't really see it as one, I think shes just making it one. JMO.

[Pink_Tulip]

This just doesn't add up for me. I am assuming everything between you two has been good before this. People just don't all of a sudden become selfish and unsupportive. I think to assume that is to take the easy way out and not deal with the issue.

 

Women are very complicated sometimes, overly so actually. I really think something about this is bothering her. And I don't believe it is the mere fact that you have a hobby. Most happily married people simply aren't that shallow. And again, to just accept that she is being a selfish, nasty wife over this is really doing a disservice to your marriage. Not to let her off the hook, she has an obligation to talk to you about what is bothering her, rather than act the way she has been. What she is doing is not right at all.

 

For whatever reason, she hasn't been able to talk honestly with you. If you really have tried to sit her down, not had an attitude, been open to criticism, etc, and she still won't open up, I'd suggest marriage counseling. You two need to deal with it. It is very obviously eating you up and created resentment for you, and it looks like it is doing the same for her. And speaking from experience, resentment in a marriage is a very bad thing. Good luck.

[Guest]

Just had a long conversation with her on the matter. She has finally told me the deal. She admits she is jealous becasue she doesn't have a hobby of her own. Back before we ever had our son, she worked. She had a job as a secretary at a law firm. She enjoyed what she did and was there for quite a few years. She got pregant and was very very sick with our son. I told her if she didn't want to work she didn't have to but left that up to her. About 3 months into the pregancy she left her job to stay at home, becasue she wasn't in the best health at the time. Other medical problems going on at the time.

 

Even though she did what I think was the best for our child and her health at the time, she decided after our son was born to remain at home with him. She mentioned going back to work or getting another job before but never did so. I have always stood by her in whatever she wanted to do, be it stay home or go back to work. She has said she feels like that since she didn't go back to work that she felt she lost part of herself as a person. She saw her self as only a mother, even though I never saw her that way. She did say she felt she was suffereing from some depression as well. She has agreed to get some help as far as this depression thing and is looking into at least getting some type of hobby to keep herself busy. Now that our son is in kindergarten she even mentioned maybe going back to work at least part time. I think its great if its what she wants to do and I'll be here for her no matter what she decides. Thanks to all that replied.

[Trimmer]

I really think something about this is bothering her. And I don't believe it is the mere fact that you have a hobby.

 

I agree, and will go further and reiterate that it may not even be the hobby itself. There may be some other unrelated resentment that is building up, and the "hobby" issue is just the lightning rod where the hostility is coming out.

 

I agree with people that the surface symptoms just don't seem to make sense. Unfortunately, the possibility of some other resentment building up somewhere else and coming out in this unrelated way makes more sense.

 

Big picture. Ask yourself, what if it's not really about the hobby, what else could it be about?

[PandorasBox]

I hope you get to the bottom of whats going on. It might go deeper like others have said. Then again it might just be from the fact she doesn't have a hobby or interest of her own. I remember a few years back when I was married, I loved to do scrapbooking, my husband at the time, worked all the time and he didn't have time for a "hobby" but whenever I did my hobby which was rare, he got pissed off, of course in my case he got pissed of at anything. It bascially boiled down to the fact he didn't have one of his own. It was just a matter of finding something he liked doing and doing it.

[Trimmer]

Sorry, there - my last post crossed yours, and I hadn't read about you having the conversation with her... This would seem to be a very good thing - not even so much that the problem is instantly solved, but that she's talking about it and admitting that there is something going on. You are past your first obstacle, and hopefully others will seem smaller by comparison... Good luck.

[Guest]

Just had a long conversation with her on the matter......

 

Amazing what some communication can do. Good luck to you and your wife in working this all out. Keep talking!

[Pink_Tulip]

I am so glad to hear you are working this out. And I can see where she is coming from too. It can be very isolating being a stay at home mom. Isolation leads to lonliness, lonliness leads to depression. And then the one person she depends on for all her adult time is happily working on a hobby. I think her getting a part time job, or volunteering somewhere, or taking a few classes of interest would be great for you both.

 

Good job to you for pushing the issue and helping her get it out and deal with it, rather than just blowing her off as selfish and walking away!