target-d Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I started to reply to the "Why does the wife stay with a cheater" thread, but then realized that I'd rather start a new one. Since there's been a huge amount of OW/W bickering on these board lately, this seemed an interesting topic to me. I've been an OW and a BS. I can honestly say that I personally had no negative feelings toward the wife, but I also didn't want the man as a H. Does that affect how the OW feels towards the wife? Do you think the bitterness some OW show toward the wives is because they want the man as a husband, but feel (or know) that he won't leave his wife for the OW?
Jessie61 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I started to reply to the "Why does the wife stay with a cheater" thread, but then realized that I'd rather start a new one. Since there's been a huge amount of OW/W bickering on these board lately, this seemed an interesting topic to me. I've been an OW and a BS. I can honestly say that I personally had no negative feelings toward the wife, but I also didn't want the man as a H. Does that affect how the OW feels towards the wife? Do you think the bitterness some OW show toward the wives is because they want the man as a husband, but feel (or know) that he won't leave his wife for the OW? I can only speak for myself, of course.... I am 110% serious about my MM. I want a future with him; I would not get involved with a MM "just to have fun". (FUN??? This roller coaster sure isn't fun!!!! ) If fun was all that I was interested in, then there would be loads of single guys who would surely "volonteer", right? So, I am with MM because I love him. Does that mean that I hate his W? Absolutely not! MM only speaks well of her and she actually is a nice person and a good mother. He just doesn't love her anymore and hasn't for years, and I think she has lost interest in him too. Perhaps they were never really suited, or if they were, they have drifted apart for the last 10 years to a point where I doubt that things could be fixed. Back to the Q. Do I hate her? No. I just think their situation is quite tragic. Will I hate her if he doesn't leave her as promised? No, of course not! I would in fact wish him all the best with his M, not that I think that it would do any good, but that is what I would do.
zarathustra Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I started to reply to the "Why does the wife stay with a cheater" thread, but then realized that I'd rather start a new one. Since there's been a huge amount of OW/W bickering on these board lately, this seemed an interesting topic to me. I've been an OW and a BS. I can honestly say that I personally had no negative feelings toward the wife, but I also didn't want the man as a H. Does that affect how the OW feels towards the wife? Do you think the bitterness some OW show toward the wives is because they want the man as a husband, but feel (or know) that he won't leave his wife for the OW? My xMM's wife said some inappropriate things to my xMM when we were living together. Stuff like how because I'm not a mother and don't have a desire to be one that I must not have a maternal instincts... I felt it was insinuating that I would cause their children harm and I wouldn't.
stillafool Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I started to reply to the "Why does the wife stay with a cheater" thread, but then realized that I'd rather start a new one. Since there's been a huge amount of OW/W bickering on these board lately, this seemed an interesting topic to me. I've been an OW and a BS. I can honestly say that I personally had no negative feelings toward the wife, but I also didn't want the man as a H. Does that affect how the OW feels towards the wife? Do you think the bitterness some OW show toward the wives is because they want the man as a husband, but feel (or know) that he won't leave his wife for the OW? You know I started that thread and noticed that it seemed to start a fight between BS and OW at one point. I thought the OW Forum was only for support from OW and the BS side was for support from BS's. Maybe they should be kept separate and BS's should stay over there and OW should stay over here. I swear I'm not trying to be mean by saying this but as an OW it's uncomfortable to write on the OW forum when you think a BS is going to jump down your throat and vice versa. Some questioned why I posted that question "Why Does the Wife Stay When the H Cheats?" on the OW forum instead of the BS or Infidelity forum. The reason is I wanted the OW's point of view. Am I wrong for that? I want to talk to people who are experiencing what I'm going through.
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 These types of topics discussions are very emotional for both OW and BS, and things can get taken the wrong way. Bottom line, respect eachother's opinions and remember what someone posts isn't (more than likely) meant to be a personal attack against the OW or BS - The words are someone's pain, someone else's situation about their experience. BS, OW, OM, or someone who isn't either is allowed to post in this section and in the infidelity section. It's an open forum, everybody has their own personal thoughts on things so it's unrealistic to think that "only" OW can post reply in this section and "only" BS's reply in the infidelity section.
CantCutitOff Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I personally have no hard feelings toward his wife. I think they both rushed into a marriage too young (teens). He's told me some pretty awful things about her - but I can understand some of her behaviors given his propensity for cheating. And I've met her & never had any reason to dislike her personally. I would imagine, target, that it's somewhat because of what you suggested -- I don't think it's an uncommon reaction to be jealous of someone who has something you want, and sometimes that jealousy turns into bitterness. I also think there are probably some OW who have been harassed by Ws, so that may cause some of the hard feelings to. But since I don't personally share that sentiment, I can't really offer much more than that.
Chump64 Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I personally had no negative feelings toward the wife, but I also didn't want the man as a H. Does that affect how the OW feels towards the wife? Very interesting. I wonder if there’ something TO that theory. I think this is probably true for my husband’s OW as well. She was actually a friend of mine, was in her own very long marriage, and didn’t want my husband for a spouse / had no interest in leaving her own marriage. My husband says that when he complained about me, she often defended me. As far as the bickering back and forth, I would love to see LS have a specific forum where both sides can post and share perspectives, but only if respect is maintained. In the past few days, a few OW have come over to the infidelity board and there have been some great and respectful discussions. I know I was mouthy toward OW when I first started posting at LS but I learned pretty quickly and apologized for the stupidity. I think the main problem is caused by trollish types and flamers who flit from board to board, because they get off on blasting posters and telling them how messed up they are.
eyeswideshut Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 No. I actually ENVY his wife. She is beautiful. She is a tango dancer, and she pursues her dreams. not like me, I'm addicted to LS. She works all day and then dances all night. She only sleeps 5 hours a night because she can't stop dancing. I wish I had that much determination in something. She has incredible girlfriends, and she is very close to her family. I have friends, but they're all sinners like me, either cheating on their SO's, sleeping around, homewreckers. (ok, don't want to make them sound too bad, but we're not all stepford wives, let's just say) My family travels a lot, we are close, but only see one another twice a year, and when they travel, we hardly keep contact. She is ultra feminine. (she has nails, nice feet, nice hands, girlie clothes) I'm Annie freakin Hall on the inside, and very very simple on the outside. (people say i resemble audrey hepburn, but I am not really feminine, I'm more of a musician type) She is really strong-willed. She actually slaps him around. I'm just a softie. I only see good in him. I wish I was her. Cause then I'd be married to him and have all the power.
silktricks Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 Some questioned why I posted that question "Why Does the Wife Stay When the H Cheats?" on the OW forum instead of the BS or Infidelity forum. The reason is I wanted the OW's point of view. Am I wrong for that? I want to talk to people who are experiencing what I'm going through. I was the person who asked why you posted the question on the OW forum, and I understand you wanting the OW's point of view. The reason I asked the question is because it seems (stress seems) that when asking a question about why wives (or even a single wife) does something, you'd probably get a more accurate response from wives then you would from other OW. Why OW think a wife stays is going to be slanted from the perspective of an OW. If that's what you are looking for (and I guess it was), then you really aren't getting the truth of why the wife stays, you are getting the OW's opinion of why the wife stays. That opinion may or may not have any basis in reality. I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings or say you shouldn't have asked it there, but I did question whether or not you really wanted to know why a wife chooses to stay. (as opposed to a rhetorical question).
stillhere Posted June 5, 2006 Posted June 5, 2006 I agree with EWS, i envy my MM's W. I wouldn't go as far as to say that she's beautiful or girlie, that's me!! But, she has what i want and she's an amazing person and a wonderful mother. I would never bad mouth her, and he doesn't either. They don't argue, ever. In fact, their first real argument was because of me!!! She didn't know that it was because of me, but he was upset, thinking i was going to start dating other people. Anyways, he was in a bad mood, and she asked if he was going to tell her what his problem was, and he said "you really want to know what my problem is? It's you!" But back to the question, no, i don't hate her, and i never will. Anything she would ever say to me would be justified, so even then i couldn't hate her.
scarletletter Posted June 6, 2006 Posted June 6, 2006 No, I don't hate the wife, why would I? She doesn't know about me and I really don't know her at all. I do know that she is a good mother, a good person to most people and a very bad wife. I know this from what other's tell me, not just from what mm tells me...I don't know that he would tell me the total truth. He tells me it is a partnership to raise their 2 sons and that's all. I'm sure she's a nice person but frankly, I don't want to find out. I envy the life that she takes for granted but I could never hate someone that I don't even know.
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